Toltien39's Blog

I have decided, i have the software, i enjoy the processs so i am going to start making my gaming videos again.. thats all i wanted to say today...

The Monster in the morning!  Hey Guys I'm back and I know it has been quite a while but with everything going on in life, well you understand how it is!  So this month has been a major downer, in the past 2 weeks my two best friends at my job both found out their mom's have cancer, and I also learned that my older brother is going to be going to prison(most likely)  

I wanna take this time to explain that I am trying to help my friends through this tough time, if you have read my past posts you will know that I lost my mom to Breast cancer when i was a junior in high school.  So i know just how hard what they are going through is, and i know all i can do is be here to help pick them back up when they get overwhelmed.  

The news about my brother.. well unfortunately i am not as surprised as i would have liked to be, my entire life he has been in and out of trouble with the law, i just wish that he would have learned from his past mistakes by now.  

Last on the list, Im going to be working with my brother on his Minecraft server.  It's a public server but i am going to be joining the crew as the Quest developer/Writer.  So i plan on introducing my stories into the minecraft game, with bosses, epic loot, and great storyline!

Info for the minecraft server is available just send me a message. 

So im about to turn 22, on the 22nd as it were.  This last year me and my bro have been living alone at our families house trying to fix it up for selling.  Well that seems to be a dead end and we havent gotten very far but thats the least of my worries, money tends to be low and bills are stacking up thx for taxes coming in..

So i had this girl i have been talking to for over a year.  The way we talked made me think she liked me, and i felt the same.  We talked all the time of me making a trip to go meet her.  I recently ordered a passport so we could make that happen.

I invited her to my clan in runescape, and told my 'friend' who was a high rank that i had a thing for her and liked her.  Its been 2 weeks and they are dating.  I feel so hurt, humiliated, betrayed, and all of those things.

I just want it all to end, i am thinking of suicide, but i know that it's not worth it, i just dont want to feel like this anymore.  Whenever i feel good about myself or life something happens that makes me feel like the most useless lump of crap in the world.

So now begins the new age, the age of 2014, The first day i looked outside and the ground was slowly turning white, as i tried to think through the haze of the booze i had consumed the night before i wondered what it was, and why it was there.  The meaning of it and what it was a sign of....

Now that i'm sober i wonder what the hell i was thinking and now it dawns on me, i was drunk.  My inhibitions were gone, my hopes and dreams were in reach nothing could hurt me, well maybe slipping and falling in the snow would have hurt but luckily it didnt happen!

My resolution this year?  Well it IS to stop smoking, but lets get real for a second, everyone fails that resolution so im not going to make it my 'resolution' but a goal to smoke less and switch to nicotine patches and ecigs.  I figure thats a worthwhile attempt.

Another old friend that recently came back into my life is Guitar hero!!  I used to shred on expert and drink and still pass it.  But alas now hard is actually hard for me but i am practicing and hoping to get back to the badassery level i was at.

So people share your resolutions with me and lets see if we can make at least a few of us succeed in our goals :) 

What are they?

To me they are sometimes awesome seeing people that are no longer here,getting amazing advice, going places that arent real or possible when awake.  On the flipside they are also horrible, so horrible in fact that my nightmares tend to be prefferable since those at least wake me up. 

There are many types of dreams and a few of them are these.  Meeting someone in person, dreams about people you know but would never expect to happen in person and dreams where things you find morally wrong are happrning and you are 'pulling the strings' even though it is out of your control.

I dont dream often but those i do have sometimes make me want to never wake up and to just live in them until i die.  But to me dreams are usually horrible they tease your conciense[spelt wrong i know] with things you no longer go for as you lost the drive and motivation for them.  Or a life where you are happy with a partner you do not even recognize with a job you have only ever had in your imagination.