. . .

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m so selfish. I miss you a lot, and every time my phone vibrates, my heart gets filled with hope and then it breaks because for a split second I think that it’s your message but then I realize that it couldn’t be. I turned off the notifications for the app because I’m a coward. I usually only think about you when I feel lonely. I mean I’m seriously so selfish that I started this letter by talking about my own damn self. I think that’s why I got so attached to you in the first place, because I was so bored and isolated and there you were, this great person who offered support. That’s a horrible horrible reason for the terrible deed I committed. In fact, I think the only reason I’m even writing this right now is because of my feelings right now. Please know that you’re honestly one of the kindest and most warm hearted people in the world. I tried to end things with you quite often but I always chickened out because I didn’t want to sever my ties with you. Remember that tumblr post about “How do I end a relationship?” I was talking about you. I’ve always known that this had to end sometime and I would occasionally try to end things when I felt ready but when I did, you were always there with something that stopped me. Remember Valentines Day? You mad about me not responding to you that night and then you asked me if I took the whole relationship seriously? To be honest, I’m not too sure right now. I just know that I didn’t want to lose you because you were such a bright part of my bleak life. I didn’t want to lose you, like a ship not wanting to lose guidance and hope from the one and only lighthouse in the cold and desolate ocean, you’re my lighthouse and I’m the titanic. Without you, I just.. feel like death (which I deserve). God, that sounded so lame but it’s how I feel. You were always so happy and optimistic (I have no right to say this but I hope you still are happy and optimistic) and I really needed that. You saved my life a lot of times without knowing. I think you might’ve been a saint in your past life. You offered me a lot of comfort with your kind words and I was such a bitch that I accepted it even though I knew that I was doing a horrible thing to you. I tried making myself feel better by saying, “Hey, at least you made him promise that he’d end things with you if he ever found someone he liked” but we both know that’s a fucking farce, it didn’t make what I did any better. I owe you an explanation for why I did what I did and here it is: I was and still kind of am a fucking mess. I’m listening to Lost Stars right now as I write this. The same song I was listening to a long time ago when I was writing a goodbye for you. I guess this is my goodbye soundtrack. You don’t care about that though, I just happen to only care about myself so I’m sorry if I come off as selfish. It’s what I am. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. My sadness and regret over what I’ve done is endless. If I could, I would kill myself from over a year ago. That bitch was crazy. That bitch is crazy. You were such an important part of my life for almost two years and you continue to be a big part of my life. It feels like just last week I began ruining your life also known as me messaging you first. It hasn’t even been a week since you found out and I stopped contact with you but it feels like a month. Every day is torture, you’re the first thought in my mind when I wake up. Once my eyes open, I immediately think “I wish Bobby’s call had woken me up instead of this stupid alarm clock.” That’s incredibly selfish of me to think though. You wasted all that time on me when you could’ve been doing something better like getting some rest. It’s 2am and I’m definitely going to regret sending you this when I wake up but whatever. You deserve closure and an explanation. You deserve a lot more, like my death probably. Don’t worry though, my health is working on that as I speak. I wrote too much, at least now you (hopefully) know that you’re important right? I sincerely hope you’ve been living well and will continue living well in the future. I’m going to send this before I black out and/or change my mind. Good night, good afternoon, good morning, goodbye. I am so sorry. Goodbye, Bobby. I have to go, this is probably the last message you’ll get from me, I know you’re probably glad. Take care of yourself. Always know that I care about you so much. My heart physically hurts sometimes whenever I think of you which is pretty often.

P.S- The things I never got to tell you:

- I love your brown eyes - I love your kind face - I love your personality - I love your positive attitude - I love your kindness - I love your warmth - I love everything about you - I’ll always remember you - It took me 2 hours to write this and 1 hour to gather the courage to send this - I don’t know what love is but I think I got close to it with you, even if it was completely delusional and psychotic of me to have done what I did