the out-of-place nigerian

ig: okaytoke

I lost a friend. Cut her off and everyone associated because we don’t see eye to eye when it comes to certain principles I hold to be top priority like self-respect, honesty, and perseverance. However it’s so hard to let go of the good memories we shared and the bond. I’ll always be a loyal person that’s in my heart without any thought… but I refuse to be taken advantage of over the countless times I chose to be loyal despite her wrongdoings. I can’t be made out to look foolish,for anyone.

If I don't say anything that doesn't mean that I don't care it just means that I silently oppose,can't relate, or I don't have anything nice to say. I don't know why people ask for my opinion if they KNOW well before asking the type of outspoken person I am. There is a limit to my honesty; I won't say anything if I think it's going to offend because then that would be considered rude or even careless...seems like I can't win lol. In the same respect you should withhold your judgement of dismissing me as a person who does not care. I just have more respect for people who tell the truth based on plain site and evidence, not feelings or intuition. I don't always have to speak on situations, don't pressure me into it.

I keep replaying a series of events of when I should have been 100% myself regardless of the consequence of hurting someone else’s feelings. I don’t know what hurts more being hurt or hurting myself by silencing my own voice. At this point in my life I continuously have doubts in someone’s true intentions yet I play along giving people the benefit of the doubt only to be proven right in the end. The people who I have considered to be close have taken on new faces. Perhaps it’s just the process of growing up. No one told me exactly how lonely growing up feels. It seems that Im only deemed useful to someone during a specific season in their life, then as the sun rises I’m apart of the shadows. It’s hard not to be upset with myself for allowing myself to become background noise when I always saw myself as the bass. Once I notice that discrepancy it catalyzes insecurities,dishonesty, and paranoia that causes other relationships to come into questioning. Can I really trust them, are they worth looking a fool for, am I being taken advantage of? Eventually those questions accumulate itself creating a barrier that encases my sense of freedom while blocking any pathway for recovery;creating a familiar safe place for self-pity. Better to be alone than surround by people who I’m not sure of, I always tell myself. Blocking myself from the opportunity to create new bonds because of uncut ties. But anyways, atleast I know that this is the process of growing up

Personally, I don’t feel like blaming your behavior on your of drinking,smoking,etc. You took the time to make the choice to drink, to feed into the hype. So no, I can’t accept that excuse. As much as I party, I can’t say that I would take any of those moments back because of ‘risky behavior’. I think that young people are so bent to do ‘grown folk’ things,yet when it comes down to the outcome they want to point fingers at everyone or everything other than themselves. When you do 'grown folk’ things you have to also know that there’s a level of responsibility to your own actions. This is why I can’t relate to having dumb,sloppy drunk friends who rather say “OMG I was so drunk last night ” just to tell of series of stories to their other dumb friends for laughs just to make them feel like it wasn't a big deal..then afterwards they wanna play the victim. Instead of being introspective, and realizing they made a set of mistakes that they'll never doing that again.I think that's key to actually growing up,even the smallest details matter because if you don't correct your behavior initially you'll continue to do such a thing that will eventually create a bigger thing. I can’t stand when someone play the victim just so they won’t be painted in a negative image.If you did something wrong, you did something wrong period point blank. Fuck how you feel, if you felt like you didn’t do anything wrong…if your actions were wrong,you are wrong,period. & If you do something wrong saying sorry isn’t enough you must change your actions. Actions will always speak louder than words. You can’t control what people do to you, but you can control how you react and handle situations. Grow the fuck up.

ig : toke.jpg