To let the world be.

It's been a long while since I last posted. Honestly, I don't have anyone anymore to talk about life stuff so here I am..the place where I'd talk about life back in the day.

Today was rather unexpected. I was bored and decided to look up a friend that I haven't heard from since April 2023. I've messaged her several times since and received no response. Anyway, I googled her name and her name appeared under someone's obituary. It appears her grandma passed away earlier last month and in the "predeceased" section..was her name. Honestly, I didn't know what that really meant so I googled it. I'm so used to seeing "survived by" but never really seen predeceased in obituaries. And well...it was quite shocking.

I initially met my friend back on an anonymous chat app over a decade ago. We were both lonely souls so we'd enjoy each other's company. We'd talk about life and how shitty relationships are. We both understood each other's struggles. Family, work, life, relationships, etc. From what I understand, her father was sick and she was mostly estranged from her family. She'd tell me she's shitty at relationships and only does ons pretty much. I remember she joked about her body count being higher than her age. Honestly, that didn't really matter to me because she was a kind gentle soul. Despite that, we were there for each other to always lend an ear.

Eventually as time went on, we started to send playful messages then eventually it became more intimate. I guess in a way, it became like a ldr but open? Idk. But regardless, we enjoyed our time together. When she was sad after having a drunken night with some random guy, we joked about her silly decisions. She was often lighthearted about it all. When I was sad, she'd joke about how she'd be there for me despite being thousands of miles away.

At one point, she disappeared for close to a year. She said she found someone worthwhile but once that didn't work, she messaged me again. We continue our talks, confining into one another.

Then one day in late 2022, she told me she had a brain tumor. She didn't tell me the specifics of it but said it was treatable. She said she had to quit her job because she'd have random seizures. Then in April 2023, she sent one last pic saying, "I have to look decent 🤷"

Honestly, I was sure what she meant so I messaged her and nothing....i think she read my messages just once but no reply. I figured maybe she actually found someone worthwhile and decided that she can't talk anymore. At least I hoped, optimistically. Months went by then years. I'd Google her name from time to time and nothing showed up. So I thought maybe things were okay since no obituaries to be found.

When I found out today, I dug a little deeper and public records said she passed away in 5/2023... about a month after our last conversation. Only today I found out. No obituaries online or anything just a name listed as deceased.

I hope she was able to find peace and love among her family and friends. I want to thank you for always being there for me and showing me kindness and helping me gain confidence over the years. She'd always tell me I was a great guy. I told her I'd visit her island one day. She said she'd show me around. Until we meet again.

RIP C.L.

Love always,

I haven’t made an update in many years. I always used this as an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. It’s just nice to vent too sometimes but I feel like I need to get stuff off my chest. I used to be a regular here but things changed some time in 2017. 

I met a girl in 2017. She was different and I ended up loving her. Initially it started off as how all things start..as friends. I didn’t want to be just friends because I knew that she was someone special. We got to know each other on a dating app and coincidentally we went to the same rave. We agreed to meet. I couldn’t find her out of a crowd of like maybe a thousand if not more people. But she found me. The moment I saw her I knew she was special. Out of all those people there, two total strangers, she ended up finding me. It still blows my mind to this day. 

As time went on, she didn’t want to be in a relationship because we live on different islands and she had her own plans. But we grew closer and eventually our relationship flourished. She supported me and I supported her. It was pretty much an ideal relationship. We hardly fought and we always were partners in crime. We experienced so many things together, so many memories. 

As time went on, she wanted more. I was afraid to give more. She began to resent me. I tried to fix things but in the end, it was too late. I have my flaws and I’ve been trying to fix them over the years. I fixed several of them but the biggest one of all, I couldn’t fix, which is commitment. I regret not moving out from home and into a place with her. She wanted to find a place together but in my mind, I felt she’d want to move back home to be with her parents eventually. I put a wall up and tried to downplay moving in together. I made excuses and she knew I did. But the thought of her moving back home made me sad. I told her that her parents shouldn’t need to move here and they should enjoy living where they’re at right now. 

The only option was for me to move with her. How can I drop everything here? Leave my job, my family? I really didn’t know how to face that. It’s like one of those movies where 2 people in love diverge on two separate paths. I didn’t want her to leave the path but I realize there’s nothing I can do. I just need to accept it. 

My grandpa passed away in 2018. I was in Chicago on a trip with her. She comforted me. At least I was able to hear my grandpa’s voice one last time on the phone. I miss my grandpa so very much. We tried so hard to keep him at home but we couldn’t. At least I know he didn’t pass away alone and enjoyed his life to the very end. Making jokes with the nurses. It’s just like him. Happy go lucky. 

I got laid off right before that December before covid hit. It was actually a job that I enjoyed. Most things were ideal. Then bam, laid off. Never thought I’d be laid off. Ended up on unemployment. At my other job, my hour got cut due to covid. My other job, the contractor lost its contract. Effectively, I got laid off again. 

A few family members passed away too within the past few years. I’m sad because I was too afraid to go to the funerals. I didn’t want the rest of my family to get sick either. So a majority of us didn’t go. Is that selfish?

Then this past February. My dog, Toby, was at the point where he was unconsolable. He had severe doggie dementia and would have a huge burst of energy. Barking all day and night. He wasn’t able to walk around anymore. It was so hard to take care of him. He was affecting my whole family. We had the hardest choice of putting him down. He didn’t have a quality of life anymore. I was so heartbroken. He would’ve been 18 years old this past May. My best pal. Gone. He’s not here to comfort me anymore. To help me get through the tough times like before. I never thought it would be that day where we’d have to put him down. 

3 months later, we broke up. We agreed to stay friends and hang out. But it seems as time goes on, we drift farther apart. I can tell that she likely doesn’t care about me or think about me as much anymore. She probably moved on. I’m the opposite. I’m having a hard time letting go and move on. I’m actually crying writing this. Who would’ve thought I’d be crying over a girl. I’m so fucken weak. 

My friends. They’re gone too. We all went our separate paths. covid really fucked it up. I think if covid didn’t happen, I’d still be close to my friends. But alas, I reached out and it feels as though I am the least on their minds. It is so sad. 

Life is rough. But I think part of it all is learning about loss. Loss of relationships. Loss of family. Loss of friends. Loss of jobs.