kai

Upon kissing him, your body naturally leaned towards his touch. The softness of his lips washed away all the wounds in your heart. The feel of his hand around your waist, and his breath against your lips was enough to rekindle hope into your soul. You almost reached after his warmth as he pulled away from you. 

There was warmth on your cheeks from how the love inside your heart overflowed to your head, reaching the soft flesh of your face. Yet, not even a split second was spared from his wandering eyes, searching for the woman who truly owns your most treasured inside his chest—his heart. 

A lady in a white dress stood out from the crowd and his eyes sought hers. You watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed, gazing at her with soft, starry eyes. You can’t relate to her at all—you’re just a queen who has everything yet nothing in the palm of her hands.

He looked at her as if even the kiss he gave you was dedicated to her and her whole being. He looked at her as if he would jump out of this altar, slide the ring off his ring finger, and throw it at your face if she as much as motioned with her slender fingers to come to him. He looked at her as if he would trade everything he had now for another day with her, whereas he couldn’t even bear a minute of skin contact with you.

“I now declare you husband and wife.”

The beautiful declaration was muffled but it was enough for you to hear them. The crowds cheered and whistled for the newly wedded couple, you took his hand in yours, ignoring how limp and cold it felt. He didn’t even make an effort to squeeze it back but your heart surely felt its crushing force. 

You smiled your way out of the cathedral, ignoring the pair of eyes that burned holes in your figure. If they could be bullets, you’d be riddled with it by now, ignoring the way your husband had never once smiled at you ever since the ceremony started even and even as you looked up at him now. 

You’ve been unwanted before. This isn’t the first time. You hushed your weeping, bleeding heart as you stepped into the carriage. Flower petals were all over you and you giggled lightly as you brushed them off your clothes and head before placing your hand on his thigh, almost begging for affection.

“You’re my husband.” You cooed at him, leaning on his shoulders and rubbing your cheek gently on him. If he wanted soft, you would become the softest. You sighed at the silence that enveloped the two of you. The air inside was cold despite the closed windows. Your hand was gently yet firmly brushed away from his leg. “This is all for duty, your Majesty.” He sounded hoarse, face dull and eyes empty.

“You are now our Kingdom’s Prince.” You didn’t even recognize your own voice as you tried to cheer him up, reaching up a shaky hand to touch his face and turn his gaze to you. The hardest thing to do was pretend to be brave when everything was tearing you apart. There was sadness in his eyes. There was anger. 

Perhaps this is grief. He’s mourning for his lost love. The love that you killed. That you burned.

“You are my Prince.” The sigh in your words made you sound gentler but nothing could ever top Aika; his only love. “You should’ve chosen someone else.” He spoke monotonously at your face, sending the smile on your lips crumbling down. Then, there was your futile attempt to pull yourself together. 

“There’s no better match for the position.” Your love for him was not the sole basis for your reason to agree on choosing him. He’s smart and strong. He has a heart for the country. Everything that a Prince can have is in him. But another crucial thing for marrying is…

“And I love you.” You’ve never felt so vulnerable in front of him before until those words escaped your lips. It was a product of the overwhelming, overstimulating wedding ceremony and the fact that you are now officially reigning alongside your first love. 

But the look of pity in his eyes when he heard you say those words was the worst.

“Don’t blame me if it doesn’t work.” He whispered, pulling his hand away and moving to the farther corner of the carriage the moment you sped past the long line of cheering people. It was all for show to him. But not for you.

If you stay long enough with something, you will learn to love it. Even pain. That’s what you always told yourself.

“What wouldn’t work if you get to do anything you want?” The rasp in your voice is a warning: the tears are about to fall. You’ve been tough for years, you can’t let yourself fall now that you have everything you could ever want.

Do you really have everything you want now?

“Very well, then. I would like to visit the Princess of the Southern district every other night.” He straightened up ignoring the way your hand almost reached up to clutch your chest. The silence was long and your gaze was starting to irritate him. If it wasn’t for his promise to the former King, he would’ve already jumped out of this carriage, threw away his ring, and swept the Princess off her feet.

It doesn’t matter if they don’t have everything. Hell, it doesn’t even matter if they don’t have anything. He will sell his soul to escape this life he’s about to face.

“You don’t want the people to think—” You began, regaining your composure as you tried to sit closer to him. He used to tell you that your hands were warm. “That’s why I said ‘night.’” He spat the obvious; the obvious that you tried so hard to ignore. The hole in your heart started to get bigger as the realization hit you.

He cares about the feelings of everyone in that Kindom, but he doesn’t give two shits if it will kill you. He’d pretend, he’d hide his true feelings for their sake. But he’ll openly declare his undying love for another woman on your face. 

“Queen Y/N, I am not asking for permission.” He clarified and you can’t say ‘no.’ Despite your difference in power, you just don’t have it in you to stop him. What if he leaves when he feels restricted? How will you make him love you then? Your brows furrowed at how crazy you sounded. You’re not supposed to be like this. 

“So, that's your condition?” You straightened up, putting your hands on your lap. This is starting to feel like a meeting, a deal between two people who only want to use each other and you hate that. “Don’t put it that way. You know I’m doing this for your father.” He fixed his collar, jaw tightening as if he deeply regretted ever agreeing to it. He probably does.

“Let’s just say it would ensure balance in our relationship. Since you went and did what you wanted, at least let me be with who I want. Even just for a quarter of my life.” He gritted the last sentence, sending ripples to your vulnerable heart. You nodded, blinking away the wetness in your eyes. 

The castle has never looked so far before. And you had never felt so unloved before.

—------------------------------------------------------

Two Months Ago

“Commander Suguru.”

'You can’t be fucking serious.' That’s what he said in his mind as he kept his head bowed, right hand atop his left chest as he knelt along with the most respected warriors of the country. He did not dare look up. He can't find it in himself.

“My father and I have a lot of respect for you. As a protector of our kingdom, I look up to you and admire your skills as a leader and heart for the citizens.” You began and he remained in his position, hearing your heels tap lightly against the marble floor as you walked down the steps from your throne.

“Everyone, you may go for now.” With a series of sharp salutes, the soldiers filed out of the grand hall, leaving Suguru alone with the Queen. Suguru’s fingers grew cold by the minute. What are you even planning to do? He can't get married to someone else. 

Not when his heart is already set on pursuing Princess Aika. 

You let a few moments pass before speaking again. “I want you to marry me.” Straight to the point. You felt the tension when you first declared that he was chosen. “Please, stand up, Suguru. It’s just us now.” Suguru doesn’t know if he should hate that you could be so casual with each other now despite your statuses. 

Did you mistake his kindness for something else? 

“Look, my father’s dying. I have to find a Prince. You know the rules of this—” You breathed out, desperate and shaking after catching a glimpse of his eyes. His brows bumped together and his lips sealed shut. You can tell that he doesn’t want to do it. It almost felt like a barbed wire crawled up and around your neck, tightening with each passing second.

In your kingdom, if a woman is to ascend to the throne then, she must ensure a Prince by her side. Otherwise, she will not be allowed to reign and the next in line will take over. You used to think it was a dumb requirement. It was almost as if the crown was belittling what a woman could do on her own. It’s been a rule for thousands of years that no one dared to challenge.

“It doesn’t have to be me, Y/N.” He stood up, finally meeting your eyes. He licked his lips, shaking his head as he paced around. It made you nervous, scared even. “But this country needs someone who—” You proceeded to explain only to be cut off again. You can tell he’s trying to contain his reaction.

“Then, you have a lot of options, my Queen. It doesn’t have to be me.” He reiterated the last part with more force, staring deep into you. Before you could even stop yourself from asking the question you feared the most at the moment, it already slipped out of your mouth.

“Why?” There was no answer and it felt like the sound of his breathing just set a timer for the ticking bomb inside you. All your life has been filled with whys. When deciding on this thing, you didn’t think you’d have one of those again. You didn’t expect Suguru would be the cause of it too.

Because there’s only been a certainty with him. No wondering, no doubts. Just him.

“Why, Suguru? My father and I talked about this and I-I…” You stammered, walking closer to him, agitated by your thoughts and the slowly rising disappointment in your heart. Out of all people… “Why not you? Are you married? Do you not wish to marry? Do you not wish for a better life? Or are you—” The questions were asked slowly and Suguru hated that for a second he almost saw your mother’s condescending gaze in your eyes.

The one to whom all people bow—the one who doesn't wait for an answer.

“Because I’m in love with someone else, Y/N! Am I supposed to throw that away?” He exploded, he sighed exasperatedly, taking a step away from you. “If you want to marry someone… if you want someone to take the role of the Prince, it won’t be me.” You knew it. That damn trip to the southern district changed something in him.

“Who? Where are they from? Is it a commoner?” You displayed a straight face, void of emotions as your heart started to hurt. There was a pounding in your head, and the barbed wire around your neck finally drew blood. It is killing you. 

“Do you have to know?” He looked at you with extreme disbelief in his eyes. You always respected his privacy even if you could easily coax things out of him with just your words. Just how low will you go for this throne? The throne you claimed to be not so interested in. The throne that raised you and broke you at the same time. 

“I am your Queen and I demand an answer.” You hate to be like this but you’re starting to feel numb. Your hopes were high, and so the fall is harder, harsher to your already brittle bones; brittle from the cold, brittle from the beating, brittle from the pain you have felt up to this moment. 

You watch him shake his head, eyes wide with surprise. You’ve never used your power against him, no matter how much the situation demands. He has always been a friend to you, never a pawn. But right now he feels nothing more than a commoner who has no choice but to kiss the ground you walk on.

“It’s Princess Aika of the South.” Your childhood friend. Your cousin. Indeed, she’s easy on the eyes. Easy on the heart too because she’s kind. She’s one, if not the most-liked ladies of the Kingdom. Not even you—a former princess who hails from the Central, the highest—can beat her at that. 

You nodded, murmuring an ‘I see,’ which he probably didn’t even hear. You bit your lip turning your back at him, as you tried to fight back the tears. So, that’s why he’s been going there more than his duty demands. That’s why he sometimes leaves your training to the other knights.

“So, she’s the urgent duty you sometimes use as an excuse during our training sessions?” It was a couple of months back, you didn’t even notice. It’s been almost a year since the trip to the Southern District, when had they start to meet each other in secret? Do the other knights know? Why didn’t he tell you when you thought you had a close relationship with him?

“No. I would never lie about my job, your Majesty. It was true that they required help with the South because of their declining economy.” His voice was clear, and honesty was thick but you’re not satisfied. 

“Why does it have to be you?” He swallowed thickly, catching on to the statement, a clear mockery of his earlier question to you. “They need a skilled—” He began but was quickly stopped when you let out a snicker, letting your hands fall to your sides as you turned around to face him, eyes cold and dead.

“Then, you have a lot of options, Commander.” He has never seen you in this light before and it was true that the royal blood shines naturally when it comes to certain situations. At that moment, it felt as if you were slowly rising above him, intimidating him with your towering wits and power. He can’t even see the little girl he played with during the coronation day many years ago.

“Y/N, you know they need the most suitable for the—” He tried to make the argument lighter than where it was going but to no avail as you once again interrupted him. “If you could make that statement, then you should understand where I’m coming from.” He was sure that he saw a tear escape your eye as you turned around again.

“Tell your Princess that I, the Queen, would like to convene a meeting with her tomorrow morning.” You stated, running a hand over your gown, almost hearing his breath hitch at the command. “You are to participate, Commander.” The statement was absolute and no matter how much he told himself not to fear your decisions, he still felt worried for Aika.

You won’t hurt your own cousin, right? You’re not like that. He knows you. 

“U-understood.” With that, you left without even looking at him. Each step that you take away from the man is a stomp to your heart. You wanted to turn around and beg him but that’s not what you’re allowed to do. To be a Queen is to be tough even in this heartwrenching situation. No matter how much you want to crumble for him.

This may be karma for seeing the fact that you need a Prince to officially reign as an opportunity to get the man that you want to marry.

You don’t know what you will say but there’s just one thing certain in your mind: your marriage with Suguru will proceed. 

—--------------------------------------------------------

“Good morning, Your Highness.” The Princess of the Southern District bowed before you with the man of your dreams beside her. Even supporting her as she sat down. He has an unreadable expression on his face, eyes asking for some sort of mercy albeit not knowing what is to come. 

He’s more worried for her than for himself. How absurdly romantic.

You had a chat with one of your head maids the night before. “Do not forget the power that you hold, my Queen. Even the highest of her district shall bow to you. Do not fret.” Taking a deep breath, you maintained your facade as you smiled at her. She looked so sweet and demure in her baby pink long dress. Definitely a match for your strong knight. 

A flower and a blade, sitting together. What a sight.

It took everything in you not to scoff when she turned her head to look at him, smiling slightly. She’s always been the subject of comparison to you—how more feminine she is than you, more delicate, more ideal as a woman. It irritated you before but never enough to hate her. Even now when she’s the apple of your man’s eye, you still cannot hate her.

What the people do not know is you’re just as delicate as her—her as silk and you as a bomb.

“How long have you been together?” You started, leaning back on your chair, watching them exchange looks. “Not really ‘together’, yet. I’m still trying to prove myself to her, your Majesty.” Your eyes narrowed for a split second before looking down. You hate to think that you’re being a villain here. 

“What do you say about marriage, Princess Aika?” Suguru’s eyes were on you, guarding your every emotion, every word that would escape your lips. “What we have now, my Queen, is only but a budding relationship. We still have so much to know about each other.” She laughed awkwardly, looking at him to see his reaction but his eyes remained on you.

“I see. That’s right. Marriage shouldn’t be rushed. Unless there’s a good reason for it, don’t you think?” You took a sip of your tea, nodding as you continued, “Is there ever a good reason for it?” You tried to joke, only to earn another awkward laugh. After a little more chat, you figured this wouldn’t be as shocking to this Princess anymore. At least, it was not surprising enough to make her pass out.

“I’m gonna have to marry your suitor, Aika.” You addressed her by her first name, eyes softening as you watched Suguru stiffen in his seat. “Pardon?” The girl was on the edge of her seat, quite literally, as her gaze jumped between you and Suguru. “I’m sure you’re aware of the ways of the Crown.” You looked down, feeling like you were killing two hearts at once. It’s the last thing you want to do but…

“Do not fret." The maid’s voice echoed in your head. Suguru’s loving gaze flashed inside your mind and once again, you’re determined. “Him? Cousin…we have a lot of capable men—” She started, but Suguru cut her off. “It’s not official, we still have to talk it through.” His eyes were on you, clearly pissed, caught off guard at how quickly you switched the subject.

“But the Crown is absolute once its decision has been made.” Her eyes watered, scooting closer to him as she desperately grabbed his hand, before breaking down to sob on his shoulders. You’re starting to hate yourself as time passes. How he shushed her made you want to run to the balcony and throw yourself off it. Maybe that would be better.

“He’s my father’s candidate.” You added, hearing her cries get louder. He looked at you with disgust—for the first time in your years with him—you know that he started to hate you at that moment. It almost made you want to take your words back but to do so would be to win nothing. This one decision can give all that you have worked and suffered for. 

“If that was the decision, then so be it.” After several moments of watching the love of your life desperately wipe the tears of another woman, she finally spoke. Eyes filled with defeat and hate at the same time. You don’t know if there’s a worse combination. “My Queen, I beg you to understand that my decision to give him up does not diminish my feelings for him in any way. I am simply leading all that could be involved to a better path.” Her words were daggers and you could sense their threat.

‘This doesn’t kill our love. I simply want him and my family safe.’ It goes without saying that anyone who goes against the Crown will be punished accordingly. Not even the current head could change and erase the wishes of a dying ruler. Especially not one with enough support to back it with.

Everyone knows that the best option is Suguru. Even if you call every citizen of the land now and ask them one by one, they know that he is the best candidate. Born and raised in the castle, trained by the nobles and the most skilled knights, one could say that the only missing thing from him is the blue blood of the royals. There is no other person.

The next thing you know, the Princess is already bowing to you and on her way out with Suguru following like a lost puppy behind her, leaving you with your thoughts, the pressure chewing you alive and the guilt of having power. You felt like you couldn’t proceed with any of it anymore. How long do you have to force yourself into this man when he’s already planted himself in someone else’s heart? Now, you have to claw at it just to get to him and hold him to you. 

That alone is embarrassing and you just know that the younger you wouldn’t want to be this person. “At least, make it all worth it. After all the sacrifices we’ve made for you. At least, do something right.” Your late mother’s harsh words dug a pool of tears in your eyes. When have you turned into this monster? When did you turn into someone like her?

The ghost of shackles wrapped around your ankles was cold as you tried to calculate your debt. ‘I have no right to refuse. This is what I was made alive for.’ Your head started to spin as you stood up, watching as Suguru turned to look at you with furrowed brows, “I will deal with my life if I have to.” He spoke to the Princess before allowing her guards to take her with them, knowing he was not supposed to be seen with her by the public. Not after he has been declared as a candidate—no, a chosen one for your marriage.

He can’t get her exiled without a plan for them. He loves her too much.

“I’ll be meeting her tonight. And no, I’m not asking for permission, Y/N.” You remained unmoving, eyeing him as he tried to stare you down. If he’s being honest, the look in your eyes almost made him consider taking you to the people of the outskirts. Maybe your mother did something that turned you like this. 

“You told me you would want to change the rules of this kingdom. But now you’re just another dog of the Crown.” He spat at you, blinking as he let the words sink in. You swallowed the insults, seeing the portrait of the Kingdom’s flag behind him. “And so is your woman for simply agreeing. Stop acting like a damn jughead, Suguru. You know why it’s not easy.” He shook his head, stepping away.

That night, you just know that they met. Probably making love somewhere in the South, bathing in each other's love while you’re here ostracizing yourself for being selfish, replaying his words and the way he glared at you before stepping out of the room you once happily chased each other in. 

If you let him know and if you let him go, you wondered if he’d make love to you too for the first and last time. 

—-------------------------------------

“Prepare my horse,” he commanded, wiping his mouth with a napkin as he stood to get himself ready. His eyes never met hers. Not even a week into your marriage and he’s already doing this to you. “I haven’t finished my food yet.” Your voice quivered as you dropped your utensils. “And what of it? Do you plan on coming with me?” Revolting. He dare mock you in front of the maids? You chose to hold your head high, swallowing the pain away.

“Maybe I will. So, she knows that I know and I am here.” You stood up, brushing your dress with your hands. He snickered, shaking his head before turning to look at you. The maids, sensing the tension, started to clear the room by busying themselves. “She was there first.” Another thorn to your dying heart.

“Y/N, we both know what this is for. Everyone in this castle knows what this is for. What’s the point of pretending to be in love when the public’s not around to see?” He has a point. But this is not how you want your first marriage to be. You didn’t even get a chance win before karma bared its fangs at you and took a bite.

“So, we pretend forever? Is that what you’re implying? And when heirs and heiresses are brought up, then what?” You made sure each of your words were loud and clear, trying to knock some sense into his head. The situation was cruel but how could he just let you endure it alone when he promised to be with you and crown?

“You out of all people should know that an heir to the crown doesn’t have to come from the Consort.” He fixed his gloves, stepping away and leaving you with no words in your mouth. He was right. Your mother was the Queen Consort, and you were not even hers. Yet, here you are, reigning with a man who wants you to bear an heir from a different man. The Princess of the Southern District must’ve saved the world in her past life to be this lucky.

And you? You brought this upon yourself when you forced your heart on a man who already shares his with someone else. Truly a tragic queen.

There was no honeymoon for the two of you. ‘Honeymoons are for lovers,’ He says as he tries to ice the forming bruise on the skin of his neck. It was 4 am and here you are, begging for a lovers’ month or even week with him, in hopes of taking him away from the Princess. And of course, to try and win his heart.

“The people will be suspicious.” You whispered as you sat on the chair in the corner of his room, watching the sky turn dark grey. “I am a soldier. They will understand that I cannot help myself to stay away from duties. Former or not.” You wondered if these were the excuses he rehearsed when they spent their nights together ever since you declared your marriage to him. 

“I am tired, Y/N. You can stay but I cannot talk with you.” You fight the urge to ask him if you could sleep with him. Since the wedding day, you have not once slept beside him. And he never once even bothered visiting your chambers to check on you. But just like a woman in love… you stayed. 

And just when you thought he was asleep, you walked to the bed and watched him sleep. Your face reflected the exhaustion but your eyes spilled love. And it’s all for him. You leaned forward, bracing yourself with your hand, to give him a kiss when he spoke.

“If you’re going to kiss me, do not kiss my lips. Anywhere but my lips.” He kept his eyes closed and his features relaxed. ‘You kissed me at our wedding.’ You wanted to say, and as if reading your mind and hearing your thoughts, he added, “The wedding was a show. And actors act, Y/N.” With that, he turned to his side away from you to shut you out. 

Biting your quivering lips, you straightened up and let your hand reach for the harsh coldness of his doorknob. Watching your soft shadow cast by the candlelight as you walked out of his room, you asked yourself:

 Just how loveless can a loveless marriage be?

NEXT

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You turned the doorknob, opening it gently, but that was soon broken by Suguru’s harsh hand. Pushing at the door before slamming it in his guard's face as he glowered at you with all the hatred in his heart. It was only about a few hours ago that he was staring at you with dark, desiring eyes, filled with want and need. It was only about a few hours ago, that his hands, his lips, and mouth, were gently caressing your body.

He left here when you can see a quarter of the sun from the horizon. Now, it’s gone. Now, it’s totally gone. Nothing but darkness walks the ground of the kingdom and creeps up the walls. Now, it’s totally gone, and the Suguru that you saw a few hours ago has nothing but darkness in his eyes.

All the love and affection that you’ve been craving all these months of being his wife was totally, painfully gone.

The dried tears in your eyes and on your cheek felt like it was stretching your skin, wanting to tear it off. You looked up at him, waiting for him to explain what made him barge in the way he did, and why he was looking at you the way he is doing right now, but nothing came. He just stood there, breathing hard and his jaw tightly clenched. You can almost feel the friction in your own teeth as he scowled at you.

“H-how is Princess Aika? How come you're back too early—” Your words were abruptly cut off by his gritted voice, strained and heavy with exhaustion from the long journey. “You really ought to know.” He snapped, bitterness prominent in his voice as he took a step closer to you. Naturally, you stepped back with your brows furrowed. Your throat felt dry, and his words got your thoughts into a braided twist.

“What do you mean? I heard she collapsed, so I—” Once again, he interrupted your words, making you flinch—not by the sharpness of his voice but the harshness of his words. “Has your disciple not told you yet?” He smirked mockingly at you, undoing the first two buttons of his shirt as if desperately needing to cool down before he said something harsh that could put you and him in an irreversible place. But it wasn’t of help at all as he continuously spilled his heart and mind, his rage and frustrations from all the troubles that you put him and his lover through.

If you’re coming for Aika’s heart, then it’s only fair that he comes for yours.

“Did you think killing her off would open up a space for you in my heart?” Your chest felt heavy with each word that came out of his mouth. Suddenly, thoughts of the things that could’ve happened to the Princess, your cousin, were thrown out of the window. Questions of why’s and how’s you’re being blamed slowly made their way out of your head, and now all you could think about was how futile all your tries to get his love were.

“Y/N, even if I lost everything dear to my heart, none of those spaces will ever suit you.” Your hand was frozen, shaking, and numb from the coldness of his words. You’re pretty sure it would’ve reached up to rub your chest to attempt to soothe the searing pain flowing in your every vein. “Get that through the stones of your crown and your thick skull.” He hissed through his tightly clenched teeth, pointing a finger at your forehead.

You stood there, unmoving, letting your mind and heart absorb his words. They were knives, cutting you all over your body. They were daggers, piercing through your heart and twisting themselves to your very body to incapacitate you. You thought being left hanging was already painful. You didn’t think you’d end up hurting more when he came back, openly spitting out his resentment towards you. Further proving that whatever happened earlier was only as shallow as the flesh. 

The wind blew on the curtains through your open window, caressing your back and dancing on your hair as you stared up at him with tear-filled eyes. You didn’t blink, you don’t want to let them fall. Because you know that the moment you feel their warm wetness on your cheek, the ice from his disdain will melt, and you’ll end up feeling more of his less. You looked down, watching as the droplets fell on the dark carpet underneath your bare feet and his shoe. 

“I have no idea what you are talking about, Suguru.” Your voice was a broken whisper, turning around and finally letting your hand reach for the falling tears. “I am unaware of the accusations you are throwing at me.” You’re starting to break as you walked towards your vanity, grabbing a hairbrush and avoiding his glare at you through the mirror. “Whatever happened to Princess Aika is not one of my deeds. I simply wanted to know if my cousin was fine—” You were halted when Suguru clicked his tongue, closing his eyes in annoyance.

“Tell your dog to lift the curse, or I shall find her.” He held his head high, looking you down. His Adam’s apple bobbed up ad down as he swallowed. His eyes were stern, much like his words, as if he was so sure it was you who commanded the evil act. Opening your mouth, you turned to him, but before you could even speak, he already beat you to it.

“Nobody would hate Aika more than you. Nobody would hate the woman their husband love, more than a desperate wife.” Your lips quivered, tears continuously brimming your eyes as you watched him look away from you, turning his back to stare at his shadow on the wall. “Nobody knows about Aika and me as much as you do, much less where we meet.” Your eyes softened as his voice did, coming to a realization at how cruelly he was talking to you. “Who else would…who else would…” He panted, licking his lips as he closed his eyes to calm himself.

“It’s not me…” You croaked, feeling defeated, not really expecting your husband to believe it. If he’s this disoriented, then it must be worse than what you’re thinking. Swallowing the broken shards of your heart, you asked, “Could she be…expecting?” Suguru paused before shaking his head, sure that that wasn’t the case. “An enchanter was with her, a doctor was with her. Aika is not with a child.” He turned to you again, composed this time as he took in your form.

You were trying so hard not to cry, to break down and tell him you didn’t know a thing about what’s going on, but you’re too afraid to meet his gaze. You lost all strength when he left, his accusations squeezed you dry, and now you just want to lock yourself up in this room and cry til your tears turn to blood, probably ending you for good. Apart from saying that you cursed his beloved, everything he said was close to the truth. It only made sense that you’ll be his first suspect if something happens to Aika.

“I shouldn’t have accused you like that but…” He breathed, sitting on the edge of the bed. The image of how he sits now was much different than how he was positioned earlier; greatly contrasting, if anything. “The enchanter said it was done on your account. And I was scared. Aika isn’t well. She’s far from well and we…we’re being forced to separate.” You stood there, perplexed, as you tried to think of any enchantresses you might know, but there are none. 

“Be honest with me. I’ll figure something out to make this work out for all of us but don’t do this to Aika. She did nothing but love.” He almost sounded like he was begging, yet you can’t help but feel sour for his last sentence. She did nothing but love, your hand reached for your collar bones as you locked eyes with him. You did nothing but love too, but what did you get? 

“It’s not me, Suguru. I have no idea about whom it could be, but it is not me.” You sat back down on the ribboned vanity stool, feeling your knees starting to give out. You watched him sigh, face contorted with a worry you’ve never seen before, and you wondered if he’d get like this too if you were in Aika’s place. His hand ran a hand through his hair, grunting as he stood up before halting his steps to turn to you. 

“I’m trying to trust you, Y/N. Please, do not stoop so low.” With that, he exited your room, once again leaving you stripped. 

This time, not of your clothes, but your dignity, your honor, and peace of mind. He stripped you of your right to love him on your own with no consequences.

—--------------------------------------------

“The pages will continue their training, I’ll be stepping in for the officials who are leaving. They’ll try to get back as soon as possible, but I assure you, my Queen, the Kingdom will continue to be safe even in their absence.” Kento assured as the gears get loaded into the carriage. Suguru made a decision to perform a search in the farther end of the woods, an unexplored area, to look for the enchantress. They have no clear leads, but the enchanter said that the culprit is not far outside the Kingdom’s safe grounds. 

Suguru stepped in front of him, locking eyes with you as he picked up something behind you. “It’s only for two weeks.” He rasped, watching Kento hung his head low, stepping back in respect. He should be the one assuring you. But the connection between the two of you only deteriorated ever since the night he confronted you. He apologized, but he’s aware that those words aren’t easy to erase, especially for someone with your wits. 

You know that he somewhat carry a hint of honesty with what he said. You’ve been absent to some court meetings, and they were days when your heart was too heavy to carry. This situation carries such an uncertainty to it that makes you scared of the future. Maybe this is where this circus show will end. Maybe after they fix this, Suguru will leave the Kingdom for good, and elope with Aika somewhere outside your territory where no one will quickly recognize them. Maybe you’ll be stepping down, left alone, like how you were when you were younger. 

Maybe this is where you’ll have to give everything up just so you could give back everything you took away from them.

You weren’t even made aware of the plan until today, as per Suguru’s request. If you denied him, it would only come out as a confirmation for his suspicions, and that’s the last thing you want. You weren’t given a choice but to agree just to prove your innocence to your husband. Some men aren’t aware of the whole purpose of the expedition. Just that they’re supposed to let the Prince interrogate each enchanter and enchantresses they come across.

Suguru looked up from the yard to the small window at the back of your room. As a childhood friend, he hated that he has to accuse you of something like this. But it was like he was left with no choice. You already did something as cruel as forcing a marriage with him, taking him away from Aika despite knowing of their relationship. He couldn’t bring himself to excuse and exempt you of speculations and doubts. 

Setting his mind on Aika’s cure, he pushed his thoughts of you aside. Once he finds the culprit for her pain, he promised himself that he won’t let his emotions get ahead of him and instead go immediately for what he can do to heal her. There’s nothing more important than seeing his Princess alive and smiling again. Suguru’s ready to sacrifice anything, even anyone, if it is required for Aika’s life.

After a week of journey, a letter was sent to them through the Central Palace’s skilled courier. This letter was probably sent a few days ago and only reached them now due to how deep they got into this uncharted territory. As much as he wants to hear from the Southern Palace about the Princess, his mind won’t let him think peaceful thoughts. It scares him that when something comes from them, it’ll only be bad news.

Opening the letter, he spotted that it was from Kento. He assumed that it was about the knights and the pages’ progress or needs, but that was not the case. Suguru found himself frowning, brows knitted together, as he read how the man wrote about you and your state. He almost called a knight to pen him a letter about what your ladies-in-waiting are so busy about that a Grand Officer is looking after you.

“She caught a fever two days ago, Sir. I suppose from worrying too much. About the troop and the people of the Kingdom.” He mouthed quietly, allowing the overthinking to settle on the top of his head. He blinked away the thoughts of another man looking after you. He pulled at the collar of his clothes.

It wasn’t jealousy. He has no time to be jealous right now in the middle of all that is going on inside his head. He simply thinks that it won’t be such a pleasant sight that a Queen is allowing a man other than her husband to take care of her.

Grabbing a piece of paper, he pulled a pen from his chest pocket. “Where are her ladies-in-waiting?” was the first thing he wrote without second thoughts, “She doesn’t like the taste of water when she’s sick. Tell them to make sure she gets enough.” He added, “Grand Officer Nanami, I appreciate your concern towards my wife, but I need you to focus on the pages. With the new schedule, I want you to ensure that they’re still getting quality education and training.”

Proceeding to write the letter, Suguru tried not to make it so much about you and how he felt like Nanami was overstepping his boundaries. He doesn’t want to be so selfish, leaving his wife to save his lover and not expecting her to look for comfort from someone else. He isn’t stupid, and he won’t be surprised if that’s how you feel. But he knows you too much, and he’s just afraid that in times when your relationship is this brittle, you’ll be swayed by the temporary solace and end up ruining your reputation.

That night, he wondered why you got so sick. He felt bad thinking about how the strain from overthinking was making you weak. On the other hand, he can’t help but feel suspicious that of all times, you choose to be sick right now that he’s on a search mission. It might sound cruel, but not even you can make him abandon this mission to save Aika. 

The second week was intense. Wild animals have started appearing in the woods, and it’s getting more dangerous for Suguru’s men. He’s just grateful that these men trained under him so, Suguru’s very confident with their skills. Today marks the 11th day of their expedition, and he can never be prouder about the fact that his troop remained complete and all intact. Their resources as well-managed, too, so no serious problems are arising.

Earlier this morning, a knight informed him that a house has been discovered deeper into the woods. It was really remote, almost close to the borders, but Suguru didn’t think twice before deciding that the location of the house is where they’re headed. This arduous journey might just come to an end after this and conclude Aika’s misery in the best way possible. 

“Remain on guard at all times. This place is extremely unknown to all of us as it is very far from our lands.” Suguru started, turning to his mean as they stood several meters away from the small bungalow. “Stay where you’ve been assigned and remain vigilant.” An Official stepped forward, turning to the men as he let the Prince speak.

“I will be accompanying the Prince. Pay close attention to anything strange, may it be noise or smell.” With that, they went on to knock on the door of the bungalow. Suguru clenched his jaw and balled his fist, saying prayers inside his head as he hoped that this will be their last stop before heading back to the Kingdom. The two of them looked at each other as no one answered the door despite the slow footsteps inside that has stopped a couple of seconds ago.

Another knock gave them nothing. Nobody answered or even moved inside. As if their first knock sent whoever’s inside scuffling and hiding, and now they won’t open the door for the two knights. The Prince was getting impatient, breathing loudly as he tapped his feet on the cold hard ground, covered with leaves. Just as Suguru was about to step forward to knock, the door handle turned. A short woman with strands of white hair looked up at them as she creaked the door ajar.

“I cannot let you in. I’m sick.” The old lady coughed, turning away, but Suguru was observant enough to catch how she glanced at them sharply even as she does so. “You don’t have to entertain us at all. Just answer our questions.” He swallowed his frustration, not having it in him to shout at a poor, old woman’s face, even when she’s obviously rejecting them right away.

“Don’t you recognize the Prince?” His companion spoke, sighing. “I’ll be getting straight to the point because we’ve spent long enough time in the middle of this forest.* Suguru raised his hand a bit to stop the knight from scaring the poor woman further. Having been in service for several years, Suguru knows that he also noticed the woman’s odd behavior toward their appearance. 

"Are you the enchantress who placed a curse on Princess Aika of the Southern District?” The Prince knows that it was pointless asking her, because based on her reactions, she seems like she wanted to shut the door on their faces. "No. Please, leave. I need to rest.” As expected, she attempted to close the door, but the knight’s foot was quick to stop. “This is not our Kingdom’s territory so if someone else came to get you, we won’t be able to give you justice.” He spoke, and it was partly true. Aika’s father also sent a small troop to cover some areas that they can’t and make the search faster.

“We’re not the only ones searching for the enchantress. But I can assure you that we only seek answers and do not intend to harm anybody.” Suguru was determined. He doesn’t know where else they would head to or how else to navigate the area if this is still not what they are looking for. He also has a feeling that they’re running out of time. That’s the last thing he wants to happen.

With his words, the old woman held the door open wider, stepping aside to invite them in. Suguru and his companion shared a look, nodding once before entering the small house. The ceiling was low, but it was surprisingly bright despite being a house owned by someone who practices dark magic. The sat on chairs that creak and look like they’d fall apart if a bit more weight was placed on them. There were books on the shelf that were obviously not opened for a long time, in contrast to the blooming and colorful flowers near the window. It was an odd place, and not what they expected for an enchantress.

“Sir, I have to tell you this first before anything else.” She began and Suguru immediately tensed up, eyes going wide as he turned to the woman "It’s true that I did it for the Queen. But a-a woman was involved. She’s the one who told me of the affair. But I cannot tell you who it was.” She fidgeted, swallowing as she looked between Suguru and his companion. Suguru was too shocked to respond quickly, but the other knight was very observant, “There’s no way, you’ll just give out that information, but I assume you’re saying this to save yourself from the blame.” He gave her an accusatory gaze, only to be met with a shake of her head.

“No, Sir. It’s because it was a part of our deal. It can only be known if she herself admits it, but other than that, it won’t come out of my mouth. This is a woman of power. And I am not the only one who can place sceleris in the world.” Her eyes were looking straight at theirs, they were almost completely convinced, but they know not to trust too much. The knight and Suguru once again exchanged looks, letting the enchantress continue. “But I can tell you how to cure the Princess of the South.” 

That. More than anything was what Suguru needed to know. 

“Tell me, and we’ll leave you alone.” He commanded right away, standing up and standing close to the enchantress, making her breath hitch as she stepped back, afraid. “Tell me.” He repeated, ready to fall on his knees and offer all that he can just to get the answers out of the old woman’s trembling lips. The silence felt so long, and the air he was breathing felt hot and thick in his nose. The moment he hears what Aika needs, they’re bolting out of this shadowed place. 

“There’s this stone that she needs to come in contact with. Just a touch would be sufficient to restore her health.” The enchanter, albeit shaking, took a basin with water, allowing the light to illuminate it and reflect the orange gem she was mentioning. There was a curious look on Suguru’s face, mixed with eagerness and worry. He can’t help but feel like it was too easy to be true. “If you’re fooling us, I won’t hesitate to come and chase after you. Even to the ends of the Earth.” He threatened, eyes looking away from the image for a bit to sent daggers to the old woman, a serious threat.

She simply shook her head and breathed onto the water. Suguru’s companion was behind them, standing guard, just in case this old lady pulls a trick on them. “The only reason I’m giving you answers this easily was because none of them will come from me. They all depend on the people involved, and I’m afraid that they’ll be the real challenge to you, Your Royal Highness.” She addressed, eyes filled with an odd combination of worry, remorse, and fear.

“Just tell me how and where to get it.” The Prince’s teeth were clenched so hard that they start to hurt. His jaw felt like jelly with their friction vibration on them each time they grate against one another. “I don’t care how difficult, how hard. Just tell me.” He whispered, feeling the exhaustion of the past several days slowly catching up to him. 

“There are only two people who own the Amber. As it was a part of a pact that happened long ago.” She started, struggling to sit up straight and wrap herself in her shabby coat that probably can’t even keep her warm enough. It has tons of patches, and loose threads that could probably tear the whole thing down with a single pull.

“The King of the tribe on the other end of the map.” Suguru gulped, feeling his companion's distress radiate on him. The place was not close. He probably won’t be able to save Aika even if he began his journey now. Other than that, they have no connections to that land, no more. They used to be allies, but after certain events and changes, they fell out, and that pact was considered null now. There’s no way they’d have access to their stone. 

“Who holds the other one?” The Prince’s throat felt like sand paper, stinging as he spoke each word. The old woman looked him straight in the eyes, frowning slightly as she breathed deeply, making Suguru’s heartbeat race. He felt like it was something worse than the former. “The Queen has the other one.” Fuck. Suguru spoke in his mind, more out of relief than worry. 

“Queen Y/N?” Suguru asked, refusing to succumb to his assumptions. The enchantress nodded, making him feel a little easy about it all. If it was with you, then it shouldn’t be so hard to acquire it. After all, you also wish for Aika to be better. The only thing to be worried about here was the fact that your judgment could be clouded with your desire for him and the inevitable animosity you might feel towards Aika which explains the look on the enchantress’ face before she revealed you.

Not giving Suguru the stone can get Aika out of your way. This is something Suguru hates to think you’d do, but when it dawns on him that you proceeded with your wedding to Suguru despite knowing his status with Aika put enormous doubts in his mind. If it gets to that point where you’d let your cousin die just to have Suguru all to yourself, then he doesn’t know what he’d do anymore. He’ll probably lose his mind, begging you to save Aika.

Panicking, Suguru couldn’t bring himself to ask another question. “Inform everyone we’re leaving.” He turned, heading for the door as he dragged his cape with him, and rushing out the door. He’ll get that stone, he’ll convince you to let him have that stone. He affirmed himself as he watched his knights scramble to their horses as the official announces their plan. Within a few minutes, all of them were heading back to the palace.

—---------------------------------------------

“Did he not write a letter after the one you mentioned?” You asked Nanami as he sat in front of you, setting down his cup. You looked to the horizon, hoping to see their silhouette on the setting sun. It’s been two weeks since they left, and no letters were received by the palace after the one he sent back ten days ago. You were worried about him and everyone. You also sent Aika some fresh fruits and a letter, hoping for her speedy recovery, and were just glad to receive a short one back. You can’t blame them for giving you a cold treatment. You can’t blame them for suspecting you. But for you, it was just enough that right now, Suguru listened to you. 

That’s all you ever need, after all; for him to listen to you.

 “I think they are very busy with the search. It was an uncharted area. Even for a courier, it might be hard to track, and I believe Prince Suguru considered that.” He comforted you, seeing the glow of the sun shine down on your face. Nanami knows that this whole thing was killing you too. What with watching your husband leave and search for the cure of his lover, and leaving you waiting for two weeks. 

“The maids said you’ve developed an unhealthy sleeping habit, Your Majesty, forgive me if this is a bit too much for a knight, but I worry about you, the whole kingdom will worry about you too if they know.” He sighed, taking in the dark circles under your eyes and how your face is starting to look slim from poor diet. “I doubt the Prince would be happy if he found out too, we all know he cares for you more than he lets you know.” You looked down, shaking your head. 

“It doesn’t matter, Aika’s having it worse. She doesn’t deserve it.” Your voice sounded raspy, cracking at the end. Nanami can’t understand why Prince Suguru finds it hard to fall for you when you are like this; golden inside and out. He looked away, blocking the inappropriate thoughts. He should not be questioning your relationship with the Prince. He’s not on your level and aside from that, he wasn’t chosen to marry someone when he’s already courting someone else. He is in no place to judge Suguru.

“I know they’ll solve it when they come back. The Prince has never taken on a task and failed.” You nodded, pursing your lips as you looked at the empty space on the wooden coffee table. This is a gift you got from Aika’s parents for your wedding. Intricately carved with small images of two lovers waltzing. You wondered if they had Aika and Suguru in mind when deciding its designs. It made you sick, looking away and back to the horizon,

“Nanami,” You breathed out, tensing in your seat as you braced yourself with your chair's armrests. Nanami followed your gaze, eyes widening as he saw the figures of men in horses, rushing to the palace gates. “They’re back.” With that, you sprung out of your seat, holding the skirt of your dress. “Be careful, Your Majesty.” Nanami tried his best to support you, but you were running downstairs, more worried than excited for your Prince's return. 

After all, there was nothing to be excited about. It's not like he was returning for you. 

“Are the gates opened?” You asked the maids as you passed by them in the halls, breathing hard as if you were chasing someone. And maybe you are. Maybe you're too scared that this man isn't even with this troop. Maybe you're scared that this man didn’t even come straight home to you. Maybe you’re scared that if you’re too slow, you won’t even catch him before he disappears again. 

“Suguru!” You shouted, leaning by the window as relief took over your features when you catch him in his horse, having just entered the palace premises. Quite the contrast with his grim expression, as he looked up at you, getting down from his horse. It wasn’t anger or hate like you expected, but it was definitely something far from the longing that your eyes were screaming to him as you ran to hug his figure.

His arms reached up to the small of your back, turning away his head to signal his men to rest and unpack. “You’re back. How have you been? The maids have a meal prepared, let’s go inside.” Nanami stood by the arch of the back door of the palace, meeting Suguru’s gaze as he ran a hand through your hair. Bowing, he saluted the Commander before turning to leave and check on the other knights.

“I need to talk to you about something, Y/N.” His voice sounded hoarse, like he hasn’t spoken for hours. And maybe he didn’t from how fast his heart was beating you can tell it was days of travel. He got slimmer, his eyes look dull; duller than before. “Just rest for a bit first, look at you. It can wait, I’m always just here.” You checked him, turning his face to the side as your hands caressed his shoulders.

“No, it can’t. Aika’s life won’t wait.” Your hands fell to your sides as tears continuously fell from your eyes. Earlier, they were tears of joy, worry, and care. Now, they’re just tears of a heart slowly breaking more and more as you realize that he really isn’t here for you. “I need the Amber, Y/N.” He continued, shutting his eyes close as he tried to steady himself. He cannot let the fatigue get to him yet.

“What Amber?” Your voice was soft, but there was roughness too. “You know what I’m talking about.” He held your hands, kissing them, but it didn’t help at all. It didn’t sooth you, it didn’t stop  your heart from gushing blood. You shook your head, taking a small step back, but he only took one after you, “Please, just this time. Just let me save her. I’ll… I’ll do as you wish. Even an heir, Y/N. If you want me to stop meeting her every other night, I will. Just…” Y/N was too smart to know that half of what he was saying can easily be thrown away if he wanted, but that’s not why she was shaking her head.

“No, I can’t.” Closing her eyes as she turned away, she felt him hug her from behind, pleading with his whole heart, his whole being, more than he did when she decided their marriage. It was an arrow to her already dying soul. She doesn’t know how much more she can take. “Suguru, you don’t understand.” She took his arms off around her, walking away despite his desperation but was quickly halted by his next words.

“Why? You know, the enchantress said it was someone of power who did this to Aika. A woman of power, Y/N.” His voiced cracked, finally getting to his last resort. He hates to say this, but what else can he do or say to make you hear him out? Your back was facing him as your surroundings started to blur, listening to everything he says even as they tear you to shreds, freezing you on your spot.

“This is your chance to prove that it wasn’t you.”

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