thirty odd foot of quotes

Wil is explaining Rugby League to Dave.

Wil: All I would say is when it comes to the Canterbury Bulldogs, don’t go on an end-of-season trip with them.

Dave: Oh, no, I like taking it in the bum against my will. What’s wrong with that? Is that what you’re talking about.

Wil: [cracking up] You have nailed that. Without knowing anything about that football team, you have totally fucking nailed—

Dave: I watched five minutes of them playing and I’m like, “They rape people.”

Wil: Okay, so there’s three types— well, four times of football. There’s the world game of football that Australia and America call soccer and the rest of the world call football. There is rugby, which is what Rugby Union is.

Dave: And that’s the one that I watched.

Wil: No, you watched Rugby League.

Dave: I watched Rugby League. Okay. So, what’s the difference between Rugby League and Rugby Union?

Charlie: No one knows. It’s a mystery.

Wil: I know! I know what it is. Ah, people who played Rugby Union went to university, and—

Dave: And I watched Rugby League?

Wil: Yeah.

Dave thought he was watching Wil’s West Coast Bulldogs playing AFL football, when he was actually watching the Canterbury Bulldogs playing NRL rugby.

Dave: But it’s fucking rugby! What do you mean “our sport”? That was your sport. Your sport is—

Charlie: No, no, no, it’s not our indigenous sport.

Greg: I like Wil’s team, David Jones, and then it turns out it’s a department store. Still… I fucking loved it. I was up there in pyjamas. Shit was awesome. GO PYJAMAS!

Wil: You know what, there is no other store like David Jones. Uh, except if you go to Myer, which is exactly the same and next door.

Wil: So, yesterday Dave messaged me, which was very nice. He’s like, “I’m watching your Bulldogs play in the football.”

Dave: Fucking looooved it. Loved your Bulldogs. My god, the guy with the red hair who got head taped up? Loved that guy. He was bleeding and they had to take him out, and he’s like, “I’M NOT FUCKING BLEEDING.” And they were like, “…no, you’re bleeding. You can’t argue your way out of this and you have to be taken care of.”

Wil: And you supported them, right? Cos—

Dave: Yeah I did, cos I was like, “This is Wil’s team, I’m gonna back them,” and then they lost and I was like, “Well, this is horse shit.” And I texted you and I was like, “Your fucking team got fucked by the refs!” Cos they did.

Wil: But that wasn’t the right sport.

Dave: BUT I LOVED IT.

Dave: I usually hate my material. I do it and I go, “You fucking piece of shit.” I do.

Greg: And I get it. I get it. I mean, I back him up on that. I say, “Yeah, Dave, your instincts about your material are exactly right. He’ll say, “I hate my material,” and I’m like, “Yeah, which stuff? Cos let’s go over it.” [to Dave] I don’t feel that way at all; you know that. You know that I adore you.

Dave: Is— is it Greg?

Greg: What’s that?

Dave: It’s Greg, right?

Greg: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know you, we did some podcasts together. We did, uh— we were both on, uh—

Dave: When was that?

Greg: We were both on, uh, Comedy Bang-Bang together.

Dave: Oh, that’s right. I did, uh, captain squeaky man.

Charlie: Can I ask, how many of you were at the original Superpod in 2012? [loud cheers] Why the fuck are you back? Did you not learn anything the first time?

Dave wanders off stage for a while at some point, before returning to his seat. Then--

Dave: [to an older audience member] Wait… who are you?

Wil: She’s a fan from the future.

Dave: She came to my show last night and sat in the front row. It was tremendous. She stood up in the middle and she said, “This is bullshit!” and she left.

Wil: Is that really true?

Dave: No, she, she—

Deeksy: [appearing from backstage] I saw Hot Head and I thought it was fabulous!

[everyone cracks up]

Charlie: That was John Deeks speaking.

Greg: Yeah, I had a really bad tummy ache the other night and then I went to the hospital and the guy’s like, “It could be gas…” and then when I woke up, “…or can-sah!” And, uh— which is better to hear in Australia. That actually sounded more like Rhys Darby, so maybe he was a Kiwi. But yeah, it’s better to hear it— so anyway, I got something in my stomach that needs to be removed but they were like, “So, how would you like some morphine?” And I said, “Well, how much?” They said, “How much would you like?” And, uh, I said, “Well, I can’t take it with me,” so they said, “Well, how about some oxycontin?” so… how are you? Because I…

Wil: This is an interesting thing. Greg, are you allowed to tell people that you’re on drugs?

Greg: Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, there’s my hospital wrist band, so fucking all bets are off.

Dave: I stabbed him.

Greg: It finally happened.

Dave: I finally fucking did it.

Greg: It finally happened!

Dave: Oh my god, just shut up.

Charlie: John, it would be remiss of us not to use your wonderful vocal talents to do one thing for us; could you just do us a little favour? I’ve just got something here that I’d like you to read. Could you…?

Deeksy: “TOFOP Live, 2015…”

Charlie: [offstage] Don’t read that part!

Deeksy: Oh, sorry. “Seriously, in memoriam tone”. Okay. [haunting, dramatic music begins to play] “‘My candle burns at both ends; it will not not last the night; but, ah, my friends, and oh, my foes— it gives a lovely light.’ 

These words were first written by Edna St. Vincent Millay in 1920, but they were never more truthful, more vital or more bittersweet than on April the 5th, 2012. For on that fateful night, the world changed forever. United first by laughter, then by unimaginable tragedy; like the wax wings of Icarus, four men dared to reach for the heavens only for it to all fall apart. And in the smoking ruins of what was left, only one question remained: Where were you the night Superpod died? 

Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into years. The world moved on. Superpod became little more than a legend, a fairy tale to frighten young children before they died— er, went to bed! But some fairy tales come true.

Charlie appeared with Aggro during the Good Friday Appeal telethon.

Wil: Can I tell you about my favourite joke last night you tried to do that didn’t work? It wasn’t your fault, by the way—

Charlie: Are you saying—? Go on.

Wil: Completely not your fault! You did, like, a funny thing, but Aggro stepped on your bit.

Charlie: Because I couldn’t hear him because he’s a puppet!

Wil: No, no, it was his fault, mate! It was your fucking time and Aggro just fucking came in over the top and fucked it up. … So, Virginia Gay was also on the panel. And Virginia Gay, you decided that Aggro and Virginia Gay might be a couple…

Charlie: Because they were doing this whole thing, all couple-y and flirty and stuff.

Wil: So you thought…

Charlie: I had a light bulb.

Wil: Charlie’s like, “Oh, fuck—“

Charlie: “Green light for a joke!” …

Wil: So Charlie’s decided he will go with what Virginia and Aggro’s celebrity name will be. But at that time, Aggro does a joke and you can’t quite hear Charlie cos the camera’s not on him. So you just hear him in the background— I believe what he was trying to say was “Vaggro”, right?

Charlie: Yes. Which I thought was pretty funny.

Wil: That was not what it sounded like. It sounded like Aggro’s just there and Charlie’s just like, “FAGGRO!”

Charlie: Actually, John, there was something, if you could do it for me. So for those of you who don’t know, John Deeks is actually the voice of JB Hi-Fi. What’s your tagline?

Deeksy: [announcer voice] JB, you’ve done it again!

Wil: I would like to say that my Wiluminati DVD is available at JB Hi-Fi.

Deeksy: [announcer voice] You’re available at JB Hi-Fi; get that TOFOB— TOFOP? [Charlie and Wil crack up] At JB Hi-Fi now, only $9.99!

Charlie: Can you do a favour for me— if, at any stage tonight, I say something that you really like and really think is funny, can you say, “CC, you’ve done it again?”

Deeksy: [announcer voice] CC, you’ve done it again!

Charlie: Can we get that confirmed? Has someone got Wikipedia? This is what normally happens in our show, we just have to look things up.

Wil: People are like, “I can’t look up Wikipedia; I’m recording the show cos you fuckers won’t!” Fuck you, I brought my own Zoom so there’s a spare one that I just have here. I’m like, “Well, if the other one fucks up, I’ve got this.”

Charlie: How many Zooms have we got recording it this time?

Wil: Oh, fucking heaps, mate. And ASIO’s listening in; they signed that bill through. As long as we say “terrorism, terrorism, jihad”. Actually, John Deeks, can you say “terrorism, jihad…”?

Deeksy: [cheerful announcer voice] Terrorism jihad!!

Wil: [loses his shit; starts throwing chairs]

Charlie: Oh my god! I feel compelled to do an act of terror when you say it!

Deeksy: What does [TOFOP] stand for?

Wil: Well, originally it standed for… Standed for. [laughing]

Charlie: It standed for alcoholism.

Charlie: Is this what you’d call a TOFOB Fact? I think I just said TOFOB. [to Deeksy] I’m getting your disease!

Deeksy: …what is it?

Charlie: TOFOP!

Deeksy: TOFOP, ohh!

Charlie: Do you know what it stands for?

Deeksy: Um… Ah, Kate was telling me, my sister-in-law… Twenty Odd Foot of…

Charlie: I don’t know if you guys know, Aggro’s a puppet.

Wil: Hey, spoilers! Oh, and Jesus isn’t real, happy Easter!

Charlie: And that’s after you did a podcast with my mother; my god, I can’t believe you said that.

Wil: What?

Charlie: Catholic! My mother! She listens to this!

Charlie appeared alongside Aggro during the Good Friday Appeal telethon.

Wil: How was Aggro to work with? Cos I thought Aggro was trying to bust out some edgy gear.