💌

niyaya mo kong maglakad kahit gabing-gabi na, at kahit kunyari ay hindi ko napansin ang pagtaas ng tono mo para pilitin ako, ang hindi mo alam ay hindi mo kailangang umimik para ako'y mapa-oo.

kung para sayo, alam mo nang andyan ako.

sa totoo lang, hindi ko na maalala kung ilang oras ang nawala sa imbita mo na 'to. hatinggabi ba nang makalabas tayo? pa-umaga na ba noong bumalik? pagpasensyahan mo sana ang utak kong makakalimutin sa ibang bagay na hindi tungkol sa'yo.

tanungin mo ako kung anong naaalala ko, at dalawa lamang ang nasa listahan ko.

ikaw

isa pang senyales para matandaan ko na ako'y sayo sa simula hanggang dulo.

pero hindi ako nagpapakitang-tao dahil alam ko na may isa pang numero na nakatago. hayaan mo sana akong maging makasarili sa pagkakataon na ito, pero ang katotohanan niyan ay isang pilit mo lang sa akin at malalaman mo na—

3. ang naaalala ko lagi sa tuwing magkasama tayo ay kung gaano kalaki ang pasasalamat ko na ako ang pinagpala na makita ka nang ganito.

ganito, at ang ibig sabihin ko ay: ang mahinahon mong pagtapak sa daan para hindi makagising ng ibang tao. ang pagkinang ng mata mo habang tinitignan ang langit at bituin na, kung ako ang tatanungin, walang-wala sa iyo. ang bawat lukso’t lundag mo na may kasamang tawa dahil “ang lamig sa labas, no?,” at “salamat, dahil sinamahan mo ‘ko.”

pero tuyo ang dila ko sa tuwing sa akin napupuwing ang tingin mo, at nahihirapan akong mabuhay nang hindi bawat segundo ay pinangangalandakan ko sa lahat ang laman ng diwang ritmo ay ang palayaw na ginawa ko para sa iyo.

pinagkakatiwalaan mo sa akin ang iyong pagkatao, at sa bilyon-bilyon na pwedeng nararapat para dito, ang mga kamay ko pa ang napili mo para tanggapin ito nang buong-buo.

yayain mo ako ng yayain, saan man tayo abutin. taasan mo ang boses mo, pababain para asarin ako. hindi ako magsasawa na kilalanin ka mula ulo hanggang paa, dahil ang mapalapit sa iyo ay mapalapit sa isang buhay na pinamumunuan ng puso.

but then a two-letter verb becomes three and if is means alive, then was means a life.

language is strange because is it normal, that the heaviness of loss is expected to be condensed into a single verb? the tense slips and changes but all i can think about is standing in a morgue. all i can think about is the sound of a zipper, the six seconds that comes after, quick, quicker than it should have been, quick in a way that seems unfair because how is it that i know someone my whole life yet still feel lacking for time?

Nanay, i will miss you, not because you’re gone, but because you were hard not to miss even while you were still here. and i love you, of course, but that’s a given, for as long as i’ve been alive, though it doesn’t hurt to say it anyway.

so maybe grief is a conjunction, a was that’ll never return to form, but there’s some comfort in knowing that losing the present means earning the past, too. it isn’t about tenses, not exactly, more about how love can be fractured into the before-after, more about being split implies the existence of a whole, and thus being gone doesn’t necessitate the love disappearing as much as it is simply cleaved into two.

because yes. you can try to build your walls, hard and solid. i will still climb if i have to. you can try to sharpen your edges, gritty and unflinching. i will still touch the blade. press the point to my heart. it was only ever yours to do with, anyway.

let me cut my hands on rock. let me spill my blood on pavement. the worst is worth it if it leads me to you.

he is a heart wired for proximity and a mouth wired for her name. it tasted freedom not as freedom but as a distance he couldn’t take.

i will do: take your hand into mine.

i will say: get used to it. not the deserving, but the feeling. a feeling that is not even the start but simply a prologue for a future you are yet to live.