willing and able (part 2) part 1
is rekindling an old flame worth it? | 5.5k words | masterlink
pairing: bad & dangerous!michael jackson x singer!reader
info: brief arguing, reader lying to protect feelings, minimal swearing, it has a happy ending i promise, gets real sappy towards the end
you weren't sure how many minutes had gone by while you stared at the text on your phone. the cursor blinked at you impatiently. despite the number of days you'd spent envisioning what you'd say to michael the next time you saw him, delivering verbal payback for the turmoil he'd caused you, there were no words to share.
though your mind felt empty, your heart was racing. the feeling of your heart about to beat right through your skin rooted you to the floor of your dressing room. the sounds of the final skit echoed down the hallway and through your doors, though the soundproofing in the walls muffled most of the noise. you knew you needed the distraction, but the only sound that reached your ears was the repetitive thump-thump of your heart. it felt like your eyes were transfixed on glowing screen, unable to be deterred.
that was until the door to the dressing room was opened with a jostle. the rattling of the doorknob against the wooden door frame pulled you out of the mental spiral. your head whipped around, startled by sudden noise.
"the outro's next, are you ready to-" your hair and makeup artist, ana, said as she entered the room. her sentence stopped short as her eyes landed on yours. "why do you look like you've just seen a ghost?" her eyes scanned your face in rapid motion.
your response was hesitant. for a moment you thought you might be able to lie and pretend nothing had happened. but on the other hand, ana had known you for years and could read you like a book. even if you lied to her, she'd know.
you inhaled sharply to muster the courage to tell her what happened. "michael texted me after willing and able." a wave of heartbreak, hope, fear and relief washed over you. saying it made it real.
"holy shit. the audacity of that man," ana rolled her eyes and rushed over to you, taking you into her arms and squeezing you tightly.
tears pricked your eyes at the embrace. you melted into her, resting your chin on her shoulder. the tightness and emotion of the hug brought you back to the night you ended things with michael. after yet another huge fight, you packed your things and left without a place in mind. unsurprisingly, you found yourself at ana's front door. like the true and pure soul she was, she took you in and held on tight while your tears soaked her shirt. she was the first person you told about michael's presence in your life and the first person you saw after the breakup. she really had seen it all.
it did break her heart to see that you were back on the emotional rollercoaster with that man again. she wanted the world for you, and at the very least, emotional stability.
ana tapped your back softly. "i'm so sorry, y/n. i wish your first snl appearance would create a happier memory for you."
you shrugged. oh right, the show. you sniffled and pulled away. "isn't that what you came in here for? something about the outro?"
ana's eyes widened. "yes! let's get you fixed up again."
the familiar feeling of her hands in your hair, the brush on your face, it calmed your mind enough to stop the spiral and come back to the moment. you lost track of time in the peace and quiet.
before you knew it, the brushes were set down, ana assessed her work and said, "you're all set, beautiful. let's get your ass out there and close this show."
"and we're live in 5... 4... 3..." the director mouthed the last two numbers from behind the camera. the lighting of the "on air" sign followed suit.
at the back of the stage, the live band provided a jazzy and melodic backing track to the host's outro speech.
"that's our show tonight, folks! thank you for joining us, thanks to lorne for having me, thanks to y/n y/l/n," he wrapped his toned bicep around your shoulder, squeezing you into his chest. a giggle escaped you. the action caught you by surprise and knocked you off balance. to catch yourself, your hand latched onto his chest. the host started again, "this has been a night to remember! you guys have been awesome. thank you, thank you!"
his free hand pressed against his lips as be blew a kiss to the camera. at that cue, the band picked up again, their jovial melodies blending with the audiences cheers. it was such a surreal feeling. that was the moment that made everything sink in. you just performed at snl and it had been a staggering success.
you no longer had to fake the smile on your face. the pride and accomplishment were real.
the actor, his arm still slung around you, dropped his head towards your ear. his voice was low, but due to the proximity of his lips to your ears, he was just audible enough. "your performance was incredible, by the way. the emotion was so raw and made the whole thing so real."
"thank you," your eyebrows scrunched together as you thanked him genuinely.
"we'd love to have you at the after party. it's gonna be great." as he spoke, his free hand snaked around your shoulder, gripping and almost massaging the gentle curve of your upper arm.
"i was getting kind of tired," you laughed awkwardly. "but i'll think about it."
he pulled away, looking down at you with a satisfied grin. after you returned the expression, he removed himself from around you and went to congratulate the rest of the cast. you did the same.
once the set had wrapped, the crew begun packing up equipment, running around with cables, remotes, and switches. their eagerness to get out of the studio was palpable. meanwhile, the cast was engrossed in an intense conversation about their favourite skits, breaks, and most importantly, the after party.
thankfully, you were able to sneak off to your dressing room without anyone noticing. as you entered the room, you noticed ana hunched over her supplies bag, putting the last few brushes and bottles away.
"are you gonna go out with everyone?" she asked.
"probably not," you yawned. "it sounds fun and all... i just want to go home."
"well, i think that actor would love to do some partying and drinking with you." ana looked up at you with suggestive eyes.
"oh you saw that, did you?" you winced, thinking about who else might've seen what ana saw.
"girl, how could i miss that? that man was ALL over you!"
"nah, he's the last thing on my mind." you swatted a hand as if the suggestion of his interest was the most ridiculous thing in the world.
ana's smile fell from her face. she realized what you were implying. with a saddened yet understanding expression, she stood and grabbed your tan trench coat, holding it up to help you put it on.
the room was silent as you fastened its buttons and wrapped the belt around your waist.
the overstuffed suitcase rolled loudly as ana approached the door frame. she paused. "you gonna call him?"
"just... protect yourself, honey."
she smiled once more and left the room to you. as you turned to look for your phone, your gaze caught on yourself through the vanity mirror. after a steadying breath, you picked up your phone and pressed on michael's contact.
the call rang twice before a familiar voice answered.
"hi, michael." you had to put forward a concerted effort to keep your voice steady.
"mmhm." the tension was palpable even through the phone. subconsciously, you began to crack your knuckles. it felt like you suddenly forgot how to have a conversation. you had no idea what to say.
the moment of silence dragged on unbearably. michael wished you could see how he was wincing and mentally kicking himself for being so shy and unsure with someone he once knew so well.
"you were great up there tonight."
"thanks. that's nice of you to say. i was nervous as hell." your quiet laugh eased the tension that resided in your chest.
"well, it was your first time on snl. seems perfectly fair to me to be nervous."
part of you was shocked that he remembered such an insignificantly small detail like that. but then again, that was one of the things about michael that everyone loved. if he cared about you in any capacity, he would make an effort to remember everything he could about your life. it was his favourite and most subtle tactic to avoid talking about himself.
"yeah, i guess you're right."
"not that you had any reason to be nervous, you've always been a spectacular performer. i just mean since it was televised and people online are already talking about it," he rambled on.
"michael, why did you text me?" you got straight to the point.
he stayed silent for a moment, deciding which path to take with his answer. "i know the past is the past, but i choose to believe that some things are worth revisiting."
now it was your turn to stay quiet.
"i wanna see you." the speed of his words came like a spray of gunfire. you smiled to yourself as you imagined michael pressing his fingers to his lips as often he'd do after blurting something with such rapidity.
"well, i'm not flying out to la right now, that's ridiculous," you scoffed.
"good thing i'm not asking you to."
you stayed silent, encouraging him to say more, which he did.
"just take the back door when you leave the building. crowds don't typically like waiting for the stars in dark back alleys."
you interpreted michael's words to imply his caring of your safety. so, you responded with, "i'll be safe. you know you don't have to worry about me. i can handle myself-"
he cut you off. "just humour me."
with a sigh, you said, "fine."
michael's response was some kind of satisfied exhale out of his nose.
"did you wanna keep talking, or..." your sentence trailed off, noticing the higher frequency of dead air.
you opened your mouth to reply with some kind of witty retort, but just as you began to speak you noticed the call had gone dead. that idiot just hung up on you. with an exasperated sigh, you slung your purse over your shoulder and made your way towards the studio's exit.
the hallways were just as quiet as the elevator you rode alone in. it seemed the bulk of the cast had already made their way to the bar of the evening.
the quiet felt really nice. maybe it was your racing mind that had finally stopped to allow you a chance to breathe, and maybe that stop was a result of talking to michael. either way, it was the best you felt all evening. in fact, the quiet allowed you a moment to contemplate the eerie riddles michael spoke in.
ding. the elevator doors opened, showing you out to the front doors that separated you from the screaming crowds and blinding camera flashes. thankfully, the windows were tinted enough that they wouldn't see you, but you were able to see the chaos currently experienced by some of the cast.
you contemplated braving the crowds, but decided against it as michael's words echoed through your mind. the back doors grew larger with every step you took down the dimly lit hallway.
the cold metal of the doorhandle against your palm send a shiver up your arm. the brisk evening air of new york city hit your face refreshingly.
before you was a black, four-door sedan. a heavier-set man leaned against the frame of the car. one hand tucked into the front pocket of his pants, the other was draped over the open back seat door. despite his eyes being hidden from the bucket hat he wore, you knew immediately it was bill.
as your shoes clicked across the cement, bill's eyes found yours. he looked different than you remembered. not worse, just... more aged. he greeted you with the same warm smile you remembered from all those years ago.
oh, that's what he meant. the sight of bill and his car instantly cleared up your confusion around michael's words over the phone.
"hey, kiddo." bill used the same nickname for you that he had all those years ago. the nickname warmed your heart.
"hi, bill!" your smile only grew as you embraced the older man. "how have you been?"
"oh y'know. still driving around this joker," his thumb jabbed towards the open car door. "can't complain. how's the celebrity life treatin' ya?"
"can't complain." you threw the phrase back at him.
your eyes roamed around, but were intrigued by the repeated motion of something bouncing. lights and shadows danced around something coming from the inside of the car.
through the darkness, it took you a second to realize it was michael's leg bouncing anxiously. seemed he still hadn't grown out of that habit.
"i'll let you chat with him. best not keep him waiting." he winked playfully and waited for you to slip into the back seat before closing the door.
as your eyes got accustomed to the darkness surrounding you, you noticed michael staring at you with wide eyes.
"h-hey," he mustered with a shaky breath. michael hadn't realized how nervous he'd be seeing you. especially when he saw how well time had treated you. in his eyes, you were somehow able to grow in beauty each passing day.
"hi." everything came rushing back to you. the love, the passion, the joy, the light, but also the pain, darkness, and exhaustion.
bill's door slammed shut and the car began to roll down the quiet new york streets.
"i was thinking maybe we could go for a walk through central park?" you recognized his anxiety physically manifesting as he rubbed the back of his neck.
you giggled at the suggestion. the sound of your laughter put an ease to his nervousness. his body hadn't forgotten the power your presence had over him.
"michael, it's well after midnight."
"i know! that's why i'm asking! it'll be quiet and peaceful. it'll be like we have the whole park to ourselves."
you nodded, supposing he made a good point after all.
"i'm really happy to see you, y/n." his voice was barely above a whisper. the gaze in his eyes made you inhale sharply.
despite not wanting to give into your heart's desires, you found yourself agreeing with him. "i'm happy to see you too."
michael didn't say anything. he just looked at you with his signature soft smile painted across his face. in his eyes, you saw the same man you'd once fallen in love with. though now, he had a hardened exterior, built by years of harsh media criticism and perfectionism.
soon enough, the car rolled to a stop, bill having parked the car on the side of the road beside the park. like the true gentleman he was, michael ran around to the other side of the car to open your door. he offered a hand out to you, which you took to help you out of the sedan.
as promised, the park was quiet. though you knew it was well into the night, there was a certain serenity to having all of central park to yourselves.
you sneaked a glance at michael and noticed the calmness that eminated from him. there was no sign of him being on edge, constantly looking over his shoulder for paparazzi. he just stood up straight, walking with his hands tucked into the pocket of his pants. it made you happy to see him in such a rare state.
the street lamps poured warm yellow light, pooling into circular shapes onto the path beneath your feet. in what was a finally non-awkward silence, the two of you continued from lamplight to lamplight at a leisurely pace.
"i listened to dangerous. it's a fantastic album," you said honestly.
michael's head whipped to look at you. "you really think so?"
"yeah," you laughed. "i've never heard anything like it before. the production... vocals... you really outdid yourself, michael."
through the strands of dark curls that curtained his eyes, you could still see the way his eyes lit up with hope at the sound of your words. michael would never tell you, but your opinion on his work meant the world to him. of course he always wanted to feel proud of his work, but the next person he wanted to impress was you. even after the breakup, when he'd begun working on the album, he would find himself in the recording booth wondering what you'd think about these songs. so it only made logical sense that after all this time he was still monumentally gratified to hear your praise on the album.
"good." he nodded with a tight lipped smile. "that's good. i'm glad you enjoyed it."
the conversation continued, it was light and friendly. with every word spoken you felt more and more at peace. your anxiousness had dissolved, leaving behind a familiar feeling you remembered being present when you and michael had good times. it was this swirling dread and on-edge feeling that something was bound to go wrong. that he'd snap at any moment. that the next fight was imminent.
you had to convince yourself it was a baseless hunch. after all, maybe the years of distance prompted him to change.
ana's words echoed through your mind. protect yourself. you weren't sure what method to take or how you could subtly protect your heart from someone who once knew it so well. you just knew that you had to.
"so..." he started. "tell me how your first snl appearance was."
a joyous smile reappeared on your face. your answer poured out like a waterfall over a dam. you gushed about the experience. how exciting it was, how real it was. michael smiled down at you as you just continued talking. he just loved hearing you talk and especially about the things you were passionate about.
"and the host... that actor." michael tried to make his voice sound curious and not accusatory. "he seemed quite comfortable with you."
unsure of what to say, you opted for silence. it encouraged michael to say more.
"i'm just saying i'm happy you have someone you can be like that with."
"be like what?" you asked.
"vulnerable, comfortable..." he shrugged. "happy." michael couldn't even look into your eyes as the last words barely came off his lips.
in that moment, you decided this was your wall. leaning into his assumption, you said, "yeah, he's a good guy."
"how, uh... how long have you known him?" it was hard for michael to hide the disappointment and heartbreak he felt. his pace began to slow as you approached a black metal bench. following his gesture towards it, you sat down on the bench and allowed the cold metal slats to cool your skin.
"not long," you shook your head. "it's pretty new."
after your answer michael broke eye contact with you and stared off into the greenery in front of him. he just nodded slowly a couple of times to prove he heard you.
you joined him, watching the slight breeze rustle the leaves of the bushes that lined the walking path. it was so late that not even animals were running between the trees. it was such a unique experience to witness a part of new york be so isolated from the city's normal hustle and bustle. you could understand exactly why michael had loved this time of day so much.
enough silence had passed for you to gain sufficient confidence to speak up. "y'know, michael, if closure was all you were looking for you could've just kept me on the phone. you didn't need to walk me through central park at..." you paused to look at the time on your phone. your eyes widened as you looked at the glowing numbers on the screen. "well after two in the morning!"
"yeah, i know. i just really needed to see your beautiful face again." he flashed his signature audacious smile. the one that always made you feel a little weak in the knees.
you scoffed and pretended to ignore the butterflies that swarmed your stomach.
his eyes never left yours. he meant both his words and the underlying meaning you picked up on, and he needed you to understand that.
a sigh preceded your next words, realizing this was the start of the real and deep conversation you had been tiptoeing around. "what are you doing?"
"what i should've done a long time ago," he whispered unblinkingly.
"i couldn't live with myself if i didn't at least try to fix the hurt i've caused."
"yeah, i think i owe you the same."
michael started first. "i really hate how things went for us. i hated how much we fought." you nodded in agreeance. "i was just under so much stress and pressure. not that that's any excuse. i just handled it all wrong. and i'm sorry for that. for exposing you to all that. you deserve love and stability. not being in a constant state of unease where you never know how the next conversation is gonna end." your gaze dropped to your lap. that struck a nerve. "i really am sorry, y/n."
"it's all partially on me too. i knew you were struggling and i wasn't there for you. i was supposed to be your support and instead i got mad that you weren't around and took it out on you." to cool the heat that was building in your palms from the intensity of the conversation, you planted your hands against the cool metal bench. "i don't know why we refused to give each other what we needed. it was cruel. so i'm sorry for that. i know how hard things were for you back then and i wish i could go back to tell myself to stop being so stupid and just be there for you."
michael placed his hand atop yours, wrapping his fingers under your palm. the sudden contact made your gaze redirect back up to him. his brows were furrowed, the emotion was readable in bolded font on his face.
he squeezed your hand tightly. silently, you returned the gesture. michael blew a puff of air from his nose, his eyes shiny with tears. from your lap, your phone lit up and buzzed from a notification. as if a trigger to come back to reality, michael's grip on your hand loosened and his face went blank.
you looked at him apologetically and withdrew your hand from his. the adrenaline driving you through the night seemingly finally ran out. the weight of your exhaustion hit you like a truck. a yawn crept up on you and you stretched your back and neck as you exhaled.
michael smiled kindly, remembering you didn't operate on the near-nocturnal schedule he did. "i know it's getting real late. if you want," he held out his hands defensively. "you can come crash at my hotel. i'm only staying a few blocks away. it's just closer than your apartment is all."
you hesitated, unsure if it was a good idea despite how much you wanted to. but before you could decide, michael had started again. "ah, maybe it's a bad idea. i'm sure your boyfriend," the term felt like spikes on his tongue, "wouldn't appreciate me inviting you over to my place, huh?"
"r-right." you suddenly remembered the wall you'd put up. the jig was up. you had to be honest with him. and with the more time that passed, the thought of sharing a bed with him sounded more and more appealing. "well, actually i don't think he'd really mind."
michael sat up straight, confused by your words. "wouldn't he? doesn't he know about us?"
"it's just that him and i aren't really... together."
"what do you mean? you're not dating him?"
you toyed with your hair, deeply uncomfortable having been caught in the lie. "no, i'm not dating him. we're hardly even friends."
"then why would you make me think you were?" michael's eyes showed his hurt. your heart ached knowing you'd just inflicted the same pain in him as you did all those years ago.
"i don't know! i didn't mean for it to get this far."
"y/n, i came here to tell you that i've worked on myself and i've changed enough to think we can have a second try. but now you're pulling the same games. now i'm not so sure we're ready. that you're ready."
and now your heart really hurt. "please, michael, it's not like that," you begged.
he stood up, shaking his head with disappointment. "what is it then?"
"i am ready. i'm willing. i told you as much on international television!" your hand gestured towards the general direction of studio 8h. "i just couldn't handle being hurt again. i fell in love with you once before and i just didn't want to fell that same pain. i was just protecting myself."
michael searched your eyes. he saw the truth in your words. of course he could understand why you'd want to protect yourself. he just never imagined that you'd have to protect yourself from him.
"i guess that's only fair after everything we've been through." he scratched his eyebrow before dropping both hands to rest on his hips.
"i don't know why i did that, it was stupid." you were still sat on the bench, but leaned forwards toward him.
"can i tell you something?"
you sent him an encouraging nod.
he inhaled sharply to steady himself. "i never stopped loving you. even though i haven't heard from you in years. it's actually because we've been apart that i realized how important to me you were. it felt like as my branches kept growing, you were my roots."
"michael..." your heart melted.
"so..." his eyes quickly scanned the scenery behind you before landing back on you. "what i'm asking you is do you think you could fall in love with me again?"
your mouth scrunched to hide the unbearably large grin that tempted your lips. with a swift motion, you stood from the bench, approached him, and wrapped your hand in his. "let's take this one day at a time, ok?"
with a closed lipped smile, he stared down at you. after planting a quick kiss on your forehead, he said, "yeah, we can do that."
hand in hand, the two of you walked back the direction you came giddy as ever. suddenly, your smile became a permanent feature on your face, unwipeable by any force. if you listened closely enough, you could hear the faint giddy giggles of michael's that harmonized with the breeze ruffling the leaves. despite your tiredness, you just didn't want this night to end.
as the two of you approached bill's sedan, you saw the warm light coming from the roof of the car, shining down on the open book that rested in bill's lap. like a sixth sense, bill's door popped open and he stood to wave at you as the distance between you and the car closed.
"looks like things went well," bill said with a satisfying tone.
michael looked down at your hands that were still intertwined. a smile curled on his face as he said, "yeah."
then, bill turned his head to you, tilting his chin and raising his eyebrows as if prompting your turn to speak.
"we're giving it another try," you nodded.
bill, finally happy, came to the other side of the car to open the door for you and michael to slide into the back seat. as he did, you heard him whisper under his breath, "about damn time."
michael looked at you with a smirk, knowing you'd caught that line too.
with a new wave of peace settling over you, you finally felt comfortable enough to let your eyes flutter shut. comforted by the smooth rumbling of the car's rubber rolling over the cement, it was difficult to not slip into the sleep that pulled gently at your mind.
soon enough, you were brought back to consciousness by the soft feeling of michael's fingers grazing up and down the back of your hand. you inhaled deeply before your eyes cracked open. there was a soft muffled mumbling from the other side of the car doors.
as your eyes adjusted to the bright light of the hotel's valet awning, you blinked a few times and noticed bill talking with a group of five or six younger women. the group all had their phones out, flashes on, attempting to sneak a peak into the car's tinted windows where you and michael were sat.
"we made it to the hotel. you ready to come up?" michael asked with a calm voice, staring at you with puppy eyes.
"what's bill saying to them?" your eyes didn't break from the girls. you felt uneasy to say the least.
"nah, don't worry about them. he's just getting them to let us in without a fuss."
it's not that you distrusted bill, you just couldn't be sure about the girls who looked determined as all hell to see michael.
"should we get it over with?"
"if you're ready. i'll try to cover you as much as i can."
the door popped open and the girls started damn near buzzing at their proximity to the king of pop. their phones were held high, covering their eyes while tiptoeing to try to get a view of you two. bill stood before them with open arms, corralling them back at a comfortable distance. michael stood between you and the girls with one hand on your lower back, his other sheltering yours and his face silumtaneously. he'd found a way to widen his frame and curl his shoulders in towards you to hide even more of you.
a few steps later, you entered the hotel's lobby and hid behind a tall pillar. one of the hotel staff came towards you, greeting you and offering to take your jacket. you kindly denied, just wanting to get into bed as quickly as possible.
your eyebrows furrowed as you peaked around the pillar having noticed that michael didn't follow you into the lobby. once you'd made it in without notice, michael went back out to quickly pose for a few pictures with the girls to quell their desperation.
after one last flash, he walked back to you and placed his hand on your back once more. you appreciated his perception of your tiredness and how he guided you back to his hotel room right by your side.
bill waited until the door to michael's room closed before entering his own room right next door. you might as well have salivated when your gaze fell upon the plush king-sized mattress, dressed with crisp white bedsheets.
"there's extra shirts in my bag. you can take one if you want," he suggested while sliding his hands into the collar of your trench coat and removing it from your shoulders.
michael had gone to the bathroom. you took the privacy to quickly change. the speed at which you kicked off your shoes, and ditched your day clothes for one of michael's blank t-shirts was record breaking. michael came out shortly after, now dressed in his pajamas.
"if you wanna..." michael started, his hand rubbing his nose awkwardly. "put a pillow in the middle-"
you didn't even look at him as you crawled under the covers then said, "stop being all gentlemanly and get in here and cuddle me already."
that was all michael needed to hear to get in beside you and wrap his body around you the same way he'd done a million times before. you were hardly conscious, your body moving subconsciously to move your back towards his chest, intertwining your legs with his.
his strong hand curled over your waist, resting comfortably against your stomach. your hand found his with ease before sliding your fingers over the back of his hand and between his fingers.
"thanks for being willing to give this another try." he whispered against your shoulder.
your answer wasn't verbal. you just lifted your conjoined hands to your lips, kissed his palm, and returned your hands to their resting position.
a smile formed on your face again as you drifted into slumber. the pain, suffering, growth, and maturity had all been worth it to be where you loved; right beside michael.
