Ciao Bella

I am averaging at about 4/5 hours sleep each night for the past month, baring in mind I have a very healthy bedtime routine. I’ve been prescribed a v low dose sleeping pills for a week for the first time in my life, I tried it last night but it made 0 difference 😭

I got the spaced out head and wobbly legs (not the good kind from sex)

and I am really missing social interaction from going to the office :( if you asked me this time last year - I’d be like no way why tf would I wanna go into the office, but now I’m a year into my new job and go in 3 days a week and I really enjoy it

so I am currently in bed sipping on a honey & lemon. I bought tickets for a Halloween night out earlier this week for Saturday and I am doing everything to make sure I will be ok for then

kinda counting on tonight’s extra hour of sleep

BUT

my cousin had a baby and they are doing this big Hindu religious ceremony at midday tomoz & there will be about 80 of us joining lol and I have a feeling I am going to be hanginggggg out my ass

up until she gave birth we would still speak every day (we are now 30) and I would ring her on my drive to work whilst she was getting ready for work & we would know every single tiny detail of each others lives

since giving birth, this has all stopped. which I expected because she’s a mumma!!!! life has completely changed for her & her priorities have shifted & I would never expect things to be the same as they were. absolutely not. all I’m saying is that I just miss my best friend. I’ve still seen her a handful of times when she has gone to see her parents (she has now moved to Wimbledon so is v far from me) . I also know we are going to fall into a brand new pattern which i am looking forward to, I don’t want us to be the same I always want to move forward into new phases of our lives

I just miss the girl, I miss calling her about small things bothering me and venting, having someone so close to me and knowing me better than myself

she wants 3 to 4 kids still so I know this is going to be life now & will get more challenging the more kids she has lol

just feel sad every now and then cos 18 years of my life with her have now moved onto another phase, one that I can’t fully relate to, I currently don’t see myself having a kid which has been a HUGE discovery for myself, maybe I’ll adopt at some point, but we are living 2 v different lives now and I know a lot my friends will have kids in the near future and it will take a lot of adjusting to

So many things have happened !!!!!

- I turned 30???!!! I hired out a part of a pub that is a 2 min walk down the road from us (£30 an hour ?!) had my own bar, my mates brother did a dnb dj set for me, all my close friends came, some travelled and I hadn’t seen in ages it meant so much to me, my mum surprised me with a cake and it was just everything I wanted

- the allotment was poppin offfff this year, we grew so many potatoes, cucumbers, peppers, chillies, tomatoes, garlic, spring onions. like i could not believe it & I genuinely felt like this year I really got to get to know the other allotment people, who were so lovely and would share their veg with us & was such a lovely community. since moving into our lovely flat 5 years ago, this year was the first year where I really felt part of the community. the pub down the road from us reopened since lockdown when we moved in too & it has made soooo much difference to our lives

- I made Kieran a sweet ‘cake’ for his birthday because he doesn’t like cake. like guys I hot glue gunned a shit tonne of chewits to make the letter K (a lot harder than I anticipated & I don’t know why I did this hungover lollll) and I filled the insides with loads of haribo & skittles

- I’ve started going on lil hikes with my big sis. this guy I work with goes on solo hikes all the time and has amazing routes he’s discovered which he has passed onto me. but this one particular route you had to follow the map he printed with a compas, which I had never done before & I have 0 sense of direction and really rely on google maps so this was a HUGE achievement for me!!! I got to spend time with my sister and discover amazing countryside and rivers near where I live (like literally 30 min drive away??)

- I booked a day off week and went to Brighton beach with my friend Luke

My dog turned 13 yesterday and we were all sending old pics of him on our family group chat. And I remembered that I had sooo many cute pics of him and thought I’d look on my tumblr because that’s when I was actively blogging my whole life literally everyday & I got sucked into reading my tumblr for soooo long (really made most of my wfh day) lol BUT I realised I just blogged with 0 filter on my life???? I was so HONEST AND OPEN about so many things and it was so refreshing and surprising to read ???

I don’t know when I started to hold back and filter on what I blogged. I’m not sure if it just came with age or fear of someone I knew finding my blog (which is wild cos no one my age that I know even uses tumblr - I was more at risk of someone reading my blog when I was 18!!!)

And I feel like when I’m interviewing 16-25ish year olds at work for my job, they are always so honest with how they are feeling and their answers

I don’t know where I’m going with this post but it’s just an observation is guess, with myself and life and how I may have changed