Go Off Sinking

A pastime,

A secret,

Adjacent.

Tempered memory.

Mirrored malignant love.

Stardate 2024.03.10

I’ve been on so many ships sailing just to go off again…shaking.

The rockiness has been rough. The children terrible. The company? Perfect.

Companionship is my most treasured possession. In this little life I have, I learned I don’t need much, but that little is so much.

Marches will always be different. In a shadow of memories, of love, of life, I will always ache but I continue to find love and seek happiness. Grief is just a memory of love and oh, what love I have had. This week is a metaphor of years of dark waters below me as adventure, love, and kindness ground me.

In this muck and mire I have found a bountiful garden.

Live music is God personified.

I am thankful, grateful, and relieved that the universe has been kind to me this week (s).

Go on a cruise and watch a lighting storm — to be simultaneously in relaxation and terror is exhilarating.

That moon; do you remember like I do?

When no other; no other light could pass through

The beaten path highlighted all our days.

How so much made no sense; in the chaos of it all

You were standing there, I was standing here.

That moon between us.

It gave the light to always see each other.

That moon; holds everything

Every goodnight

Please occupy this time

The space between these shadows

Fill this air with something less stale.

It’s unfair to ask this, make these walls no longer jail.

Push these memories away

The insidious thoughts that infiltrate

Hold together in me what’s good

Mine is the beating heart of those that came before

Love so concentrated, yet they crave more

First the wind with no care and full of purpose carrying us home. 

Next, the drumming beat of water lapping us to safety. 

Stardate 20202406

It’s been a long time old friend. So many feelings and thoughts and ideas; wants needs change. Just an FYI: Pandemics aren’t a good time. Gimme the swine flu any day. COVID-19 is for the birds. Wear ya damn masks.

The world finally caught up that the world is a crazy place and the only people successful have been the old white dudes with money. My fear of dying of COVID is a luxury and I haven’t been out protesting. I know this and it weighs on me, but I’ve used what disposal income I’ve obtained through all of this to donate to Black Lives Matter, and other Black resources.

I stopped reading for awhile; a long time in fact and it’s weighed on me. I know that reading and writing go hand in hand so it’s no surprise that when I stop reading I stop writing.

There are entirely too many thoughts for me to process right now but I have missed this old friend of mine.

I need to stop being a stranger in all things.

Stardate: 20182308

I write this while sitting in a porthole overlooking the Caribbean Sea.

I’ve never seen the ocean so blue, so calm, and so terrifying before. I’m the most content on these waters. There’s something about a perpetual chance of your demise is calming.

I know nothing and everything lying here; the ocean doesn’t care about fear, insecurities, doubts, or goals and having no stakes, is freeing.