The Very Definition of Random

Surprise! It’s been another 2 weeks (well just about). If my current state keeps improving every 2 weeks, then the information I found on Google about hormones starting to regulate again around 12 weeks of pregnancy will be true.

I’m 10 weeks now.  I don’t expect to feel fully myself in a couple of weeks but God does it feel great to feel better than I did 3 or 4 weeks ago. I’ve been able to look at my iPad and phone for longer periods of time, and more frequently. I can’t do a 2 hr writing sprint, but I’m definitely getting there.

You don’t know how happy I am. You see, I had these plans:) 

Those plans had to be changed. I wasn’t okay with it at first. 

This post will be short (and choppy), because I need to hurry and move on to something else that needs to be gone over before the nausea kicks in. I’m still waiting for some other things to come back, like my desire to read. There have been small improvements. I have at least begun to look at titles again. That just started this week (a Christmas miracle, maybe). 

I hope you enjoyed your holidays (if you celebrate). I did. I don’t cook, but I did peel the heck out of some potatoes;) I chip in in other ways. I buy stuff, and have also added grating cheese to my arsenal. It’s not that I can’t cook, I mean, I cook the basic things because I do have a family to keep alive. And last I checked, everyone is breathing. Every once in a while I’ll look on Pinterest and get fancy.

It’s been a struggle with this first trimester of pregnancy, but I’ve been polishing up MOTHER, the book that was supposed to come out forever-ago. This makes baby #3 for us, but it’s been a 7 yr gap since the last kid and the growing pains are very real. Sitting is a pain. Standing is a pain. Hard seats are a pain. Cushioned seats are a pain. Kinda no way to escape it.

I’m determined, though. I’ve stopped and started this story so many times I honestly don’t even know how I can come back to it excited EVERY time. That might sound bad, but it’s been 3 or 4 years I’ve worked on it on and off. You’d think (at least I would) this story would’ve lost the magic for me.

Although it’s been several drafts with variations on the structure and happenings, the story is still at its core about a monstruous parasite that takes over bodies to wreak havoc before being expelled from the vessel. 

...he sneezes right into Robert’s face. Robert sits down on the ground. He feels lightheaded and the world tilts. Sherry asks him what’s wrong but he doesn’t say, just gets up and walks a drunk line to his yard next door.

This is a (outlined) scene from one of the more recent drafts. Two kids, Robert and Amanda, are giving the Buster the dog a bath when Buster sneezes right into Robert’s face. It’s amazing how many ways we have for things to get in. The story definitely made me a little more cautious about germs.

I’ve also been thinking about the cover. I still like it. It’s hard to say whether or not there will be a new one for it. Feels like it should be, since I’ve been dangling this one in front of everyone for so long.

Anyone else feeling rushed? Like time is running out? I’ve been having this feeling for a while. Think it may be because of our dear president, and the fact that there are countries that hate us because of him. There are bomb threats. And terrorist attacks (and I count ANY violent acts of prejudice as terrorism). I try to look away sometime. Distract myself with other things to not be bummed out. I have plenty of things to be grateful for:

My mom had a successful emergency surgery. 

I have a job that allows me to write while at work. 

My household is healthy and happy. 

I’m back to writing my own books. 

I’ve found some pretty good audiodramas to listen to:)

There’s more but you get the point. 

Looking at the positives. Isn’t that what they say? And while that is great and all, there is still too much to weigh us down.

We have to keep in mind that the peaceful moments are temporary, and so are the dark ones.

It’s all temporary.

.... 

Anyway, I’ve been working on a long short story aside from a main project I’ve got going. The main project is for an audiodrama competition. The short story wasn’t supposed to happen right now. It’s so hard for me to stick to one thing at a time.

The idea of a grown-up brother and sister who still live together, and have an unhealthy habit of competing for their mother’s affection. The short story will be released in parts, as I write it, here on the blog. It will not be perfect, but I’ll try hard to make it as typo-free as possible.

.... 

It’s been 3 months. I’ve been away again, doing the money dance. Shaking the money tree. However you might want to put it. Doing side gigs. Not producing anything and feeling horrible about it. When I was writing, I was still getting stuck. I know I told you in a post that I had become unstuck. I did, then I got stuck again. I am persistent, I’ll give myself that. 

If you put things out for others to consume, maybe you understand the problem I have. It’s kind of stupid when I think about it. I’m excited about the story. I write the story, then I’m not happy with it and so I shelf it. All the work for nothing. Well, something because I’m practicing my craft. I’m also practicing not completing the project. By not completing, I mean not publishing it for people to read. 

Here I am, all fed up with doing things that doesn’t add to building towards my own goals, and ready to try again. Of course, I’m working on something (I’m always working on something), but I won’t tell the details until I post again next week.

It's that time of the year where I feel I'll benefit from a short hiatus from blogging. I just introduced a new category (Three Books), and it'll be back when I return. When will I be back? I'm thinking some time in September, or maybe even October.

You will miss coming here (I know, I know), but I seriously need some time to regroup... and just, think.

You can still find me here: instagram | twitter | facebook |

So proud of my husband, who has been chasing after his dream of being a Product Developer for so long. I used to get frustrated because he's such a 'head in the clouds' type of person, but now I am realizing that if it wasn't for him being that type of person he wouldn't have been able to stand back up after all the failures, and ridicule.

Whatever it is that you have passion for, keeping going after it. Be relentless. Be courageous. Be tough. It's okay to fall down, just don't stay down. It's okay to take a break and go back to the drawing board.

I love libraries and bookstores. I love browsing online, too. They both have separate experiences. I don't find the same kind of books. Each one gives me something different.

It blows my mind.

Think I'm going to start posting once a week, 3 books that may be old, or new, that I've discovered. Maybe you might add one to your TBR😉

Samson and Denial - by Robert Ford (via Goodreads)

Samson Gallows is an average guy. He loves his wife, loses more than he wins, and lives his days in the gray zone between right and wrong.

After a junkie walks into his pawnshop with a mummified head, Samson is thrown into a downward spiral through the streets of Philadelphia, getting more blood on his hands wherever he goes.

In 24 hours, Samson learns how deep betrayal can run, how strong the bonds of love are, and that winning can sometimes require sacrificing everything—including himself.

Avengers of the Moon - by Allen Steele Goodreads

The solar system needs a hero and it's about to get one in an old-fashioned pulp adventure with modern sensibility.

It was an age of miracles. It was an era of wonder. It was a time of troubles. It was all these things and more . . . except there were no heroes.Naturally, one had to be created.

Curt Newton has spent most of his life hidden from the rest of humankind, being raised by a robot, an android, and the disembodied brain of a renowned scientist. This unlikely trio of guardians has kept his existence a closely guarded secret since the murder of Curt's parents.

Curt's innate curiosity and nose for trouble inadvertently lead him into a plot to destabilize the Solar Coalition and assassinate the president. There's only one way to uncover the evil mastermind—Curt must become Captain Future.

With the permission of the Edmond Hamilton estate, Allen Steele revives the exciting adventures of Captain Future.

BEFORE YOU GO ON: This next cover is not the prettiest, but read the premise 😉 

 The White Hotel - by D.M. Thomas Goodreads

It is a dream of electrifying eroticism and inexplicable violence, recounted by a young woman to her analyst, Sigmund Freud. It is a horrifying yet restrained narrative of the Holocaust. It is a searing vision of the wounds of our century, and an attempt to heal them. Interweaving poetry and case history, fantasy and historical truth-telling, The White Hotel is a modern classic of enduring emotional power that attempts nothing less than to reconcile the notion of individual destiny with that of historical fate.

** 

I started Storm Front (Dresden Files 1) this week. I would've never picked this book up because I don't like the covers. I ABSOLUTELY HATE BOOKS WITH ILLUSTRATED PEOPLE on the cover, and I'm not really digging the old looking artwork. I tried it because of a comment on Reddit, which described the writing as a cinematic feel. I'm several chapters in. There's no cinematic feel to me, but the story is entertaining. I will eventually read the whole series.

I usually can't stand detective/procedural type stories (can only tolerate movies. Television shows are a no-go for me, too. Except for Awake. I loved it, but it was canceled after the first season 😭)

Goodbye June! 

Does anyone else sit and contemplate the happenings of the month passing? I got the idea from Wil Wheaton.  

Seems like just yesterday was June 1st and my kids were counting down the days to get out of school (and I was crying while counting down the last day of school. Just kidding. A little.)  

I don't usually think back on the last few weeks of the month, but now that I think about it, it's a step to planning goals and completing them. You can seriously go through a whole month— a whole 90 days— a whole 6 months— a whole year— in robot mode. Just living your life and not accomplishing a single thing. 

Painting the house.  

Becoming the next Alan Moore.  

Dominating that Goodreads challenge.  

That last one is all me, by the way 😁 Granted, I went easy on myself this year when I made the challenge. Still, I pummelled it. 

June was probably my best reading month so far, in the way that I read the most books, and also had two books back to back that I adored. That was Bird Box by Josh Malerman and The Watchmen by Alan Moore. 

A science fiction and fantasy short story called The Becomer by David Michael Miller was my last for June. It was crazy... in a good way. Well worth the time. It's only.99 on Amazon. 

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A conversation I had with my husband earlier this month: 

Him: You've been eating a lot lately.  

Me: I've been hungry. I'm hungry right now.  

Him: No,  a lot  like eating up your snacks, then dipping into everyone else's too. 

Me: I've been eating my stress.  

Him: Okay.  

It's been so much going on. Most of it financial. I am a terrible eater in times of distress and I have no problem with that. Neither does he, because he knows it won't last long. He just wants me to know he noticed. And also, to stop eating his snacks. 

It's cool.  

Something I'm proud of that happened in June is that I started to drink more water. I hate drinking water. If I felt like being responsible, I'd at least drink half a bottle with dinner (it didn't happen often). Most days the only liquid I consumed was liquid nitrogen (coffee) and I wondered, after a while, why I felt like crap.  

•Fact: the brain is 75% water  •

Now I start my morning by downing a bottle of water, then 2 more bottles throughout the day. I feel so much better: I'm less tired and have less migraines. I'll be honest, it was an app that got me started. The amount of water intake was gamified. It gave me a goal and I looked forward to filling in the pixelated cup of water every day. 

From my desk - 

I wrote and published a short story called The Therapist, then decided to write the story that should've come before it. So, I've been working on that for a July release.  

That's it for me!  

I journaled when I was younger. Just a few weeks ago, my husband pulled out a box full of notebooks that I'd been taking with me from house to house since I graduated high school. Lots of notebooks have been lost too (rest in peace years 1997-2001). 

I would come home from school and write until my hand cramped, then later I'd write more. It made me smile to see journal entries that were 3-5 pages long. Sometimes more. Things are certainly different now.  

For one, I don't journal anymore, and second, I for sure can't effortlessly write a page... not even a single page, in a matter or minutes. Everything has to be so thought out now. I think I went through a stage of learning so much about writing that it was too much.

Ever tried to learn something but ended up learning so many ways to approach it to the point of feeling like you're going in all the directions instead of taking one path?  That's how I felt. A better person would've found a way to work out the kinks of their craft. It discouraged me. Caused so many start and stopped projects I would be rich if each one were a dollar. Only two or three years later am I finally seeing the light. 

Trying, anyway. I'm not so afraid to sit down and pump out a first draft anymore. It's the editing that gets me now, but hey: PROGRESS:)

I should start journaling again. Maybe it'll help loosen up the mind or something. I don't know.  

Isn't it amazing? The things we choose to stick with to learn even if it's hard and frustrates us. And it varies between us all. The woman who has knit a hundred blankets to get better at it. The artist who has drawn 365 illustrations everyday. The baker that baked the same dessert twenty times to perfect a recipe. The chess player that practiced for hours a week to be faster.

Do you have anything you practice over and over again? 

Who ate bugs when they were kids? 🙋

No? Not you? Well, me neither. 

No clue where it came from, but this week I thought a lot about how bad I was when I was a kid. I was a chronic liar, manipulative, possessive, jealous, a thief, and selfish. My mom will not agree. She told me that I wasn't  that bad. I told her I was. Maybe time has softened those memories, but not for me. I was there too. In fact, maybe if she  knew the dozens of things I got away with she'd agree with me. 

I am usually blunt about things I did when I was a kid, but there are lots of things I think I'll just be carrying on to my grave 😸💀 

  That's me in the black. And yes, I ate bugs several times. 

This is another short post, I know. I'm behind in a book project that's why. Hoping I can share something about it next week.  

Hello there! 

You and I have survived the whole effing month of April:) I don't know about you, but I'm pretty dang excited about it. Especially since all of April I entrusted my life to strangers. That's right people, I've been Lyftin'.

If you aren't familiar with Lyft, it is pretty much a cheaper taxi service. RIDESHARING is another name for it (I don't know why. If I think about it hard enough I could probably figure it outfeeling like it right now.) Anyway, it's quite an experience to get in the car with people you don't know.And not only getting in A car... it's THEIR car. Their personal car.

I took two rides a day. One in the morning, and one in the evening. Here's just a few of them:

Tammy - She picked us up in the morning. Everyone would get in the car (me, hubby, kids) so someone had to sit in the front. Tammy was not happy when I opened the front passenge door, but that was because the seat and floor was covered in trash.

Matt - He was great. Made us laugh with customer horror stories.

Jim - He had Batman stuff in the backseat, so he was cool.

Doug - This guy picked us up from the library. Usually when they come, they pull up in front of the building so we can see them. This guy parked in a parking space, then was upset with us because we didn't know where he was. When we walked to the car, he yelled out the window to us to let us know WHERE to sit when we got in, because his driver's seat was leaning back so far that no one could sit behind him. He was not a big guy either. And also, he like to listen to trap music.

At that time, we needed him to take us to two destinations. We chose to get out of the car at the first stop and just get another LYFT.

Victor - It was a rainy day. Victor picked us up in the morning with a smile on his face and a cup of joe in hand. A few minutes after starting the ride the rain got heavier. I sat in the backseat and my daughter leaned over to me and whispered if this guy had windshiel wipers. That's when I noticed that Victor was refusing to turn them on. He finally said they didn't work. That didn't deter him from holding that cup of coffee though... which he never took a sip from. I don't know, maybe his cup holders were also out of commission.

Jeremy - He had condoms in the front seat. Maybe he wanted to be prepared to take care of other customer needs if necessary. Whatever the case, my husband was not happy about it.

The number of wonderful people we met exceeded the number of rotten ones, but the whole experience was a fun one. The drivers do some of everything: work in hospitals, drive semi trucks, artists, musicians, work for the police department, technicians, pastors. And they've got good stories to tell.

I've found over and over again that when you find something inspiring you have to hold on to it for dear life. 

DEAR LIFE. 

It's early Sunday morning (3am!). I'm sitting at my brother's dining room table because I had to stay the night. My house was hit by the power outage on Friday and the temp in the house dropped quick. We huddled up in my bed on the first cold night. My bed CANNOT fit 4 bodies comfortably. IT. JUST. CAN'T. 

My brother's couch isn't a whole lot more comfortable but at least it's warm and I can get up and write early in the morning (you might call it the middle of the night. Tomayto, tomato.) I tried to sit in the office at my house and write but it's hard to think when your toes have gone numb from cold, wooden floors. 

Sometimes when I do nothing but writing, and other work related stuff I start to feel like I am a computer. I've been thinking lately about things that really set my passion on fire and thought I'd share those things with you. Are you ready? In no particular order, here goes:

1. Quentin Tarantino This kind of feels like it needs no explanation, but that might just be because he is so awesome to me (might not be the case for you). His stories are crazy and violent and I love them. If you didn't know, I'm a fan of violent movies. Other than that, his characters are complex and real, The dialogue is PHENOMENAL. 

2. Neil Gaiman Come on. It's NEIL GAIMAN

3. Matt Reeves He's a genius!

4. Joss Whedon Joss inspires me a lot. He just keeps coming back and he works really hard. I love watching his videos or reading his interviews.

5. Tim Burton He was actually my very first inspiration. I remember seeing Edward Scissorhands and realizing how much creating stories made me happy.

6. Stephen King Obvious. Isn't he on every writer's list? 

7. Sweeney Todd (movie/musical) This is one of my favorite movies. The story is excellent and I marvel at the plot twist EVERY TIME I SEE IT. 

8. Planet of the Apes (movie) This is probably my #1 favorite movie franchise. I aspire to write a story as well as this one one day. 

9. Mad Max This movie was when I first realized how cool it was to inject stories with culture and traditions.

10. Preacher The show I go insane for right now. There are so many television shows out there but I only watch a few of them every season and this happens to be one of them. (I love Ruth Negga!) 

11. Game of Thrones Did you know there are people on earth that don't watch this show? I am only aware of it because my husband is one of them. CRAZY! 

12. Shameless My other show I will stop life for to watch. The plot is crazy and I love ALL of the characters. I miss Shiela!

13. Sandman (comics) Maybe this one shouldn't be here because I haven't read it yet. The things I do know about it makes me tingle inside. Also, #2 dude. 

14. Set This House in Order (book) This is my favorite book. I read the ebook about four times and recently received my copy of the hardcover in the mail. (Yes, I did a happy dance) And the book is an autographed copy!! 

15. The Green Mile (book & movie) Another one that I watch/read and know for sure that storytelling is life. MY LIFE. 

16. Ray Bradbury The first writing that I read and felt like I could actually do this. 

When I feel like I'm in a rut, I turn to something/someone from my list and it makes me feel human again. 

 What are some things that help you feel better about your profession, passion, or life? 

It's Sunday morning as I write this. My eyes are tired from all the fun I had last night and I am tempted to cheat with some lesser post but I can't because I have to tell you about this greatness that I've been encountering. 

So, I already told you that The Girls by Emma Cline is eating me right now. Sometime last year, I was looking around BookRiot's website and there were lots of posts with headlines like 'If You've Read Such&Such, Here's What You Should Read Next'. I've seen these kind of posts before, and every time I'm thinking WHY DO YOU WANT SOMEONE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO READ NEXT? Without really exploring the post to see what was up.

By some total accident, I am experiencing the idea behind this grouping of books (if there's a proper name for it let me know because I tried googling and came up with nada). I'm not reading multiple books though.

The Girls is steeped with all kinds of feminist issues, theories, etc. This coming at a time where there's this massive situation going on with standing up for rights, particularly women's rights. I log on to Twitter and there's conversation happening there. I log into Instagram and there's conversation+pictures of signs and marches going on there. I log into Snapchat and there are personal stories and dialogue there. I watch my fave Youtubers and they're talking about it. And I read/listen to all of it but the topic hadn't really come to life for me until I started to read The Girls.

I'm not even far enough in the book to know if it will hit directly on women's rights, but it sure is touching close to it right now. 

So why is this book bringing the subject matter to life for me? Because it's reminding me of my own womanhood and how it all began. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone but ISH! GO READ THE BOOK! Or add it to your TBR!  Be reminded (or learn something) about how it was to be a young girl submerged into the murky waters of puberty, experiencing sexual feelings, the way we acted in front of the opposite sex and the things we did in a desperate act to get their attention.

I remembered how it was before I read the book, but The Girls has helped to bring other details to my mind, sharpen and define them. It's not ALL about this stuff, of course. There's a gritty story going on involving a cult and a mass killing. Just so you know, that plot is what made me keep going on in the beginning.

But anyway, since I am reading this book and catching the conversation all over the internet, it's like a ongoing conversation. A conversation that I enjoy, too. I am being educated on a monumental concern and have grown because of it. 

I couldn't read book after book on the same theme (unless it was different genres), only because I take too long to get through books, but consuming a book and other media on the same subject is something I will do more of from now on. It's just crazy how I picked up The Girls at this exact moment.  There's so much more I'd like to say about the thoughts I've had, and raising my daughter but this post is running a little longish.

If you stuck around to the end, Thank You ❤️  

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Also, all last week I worked on a short story that should be up at the end of this coming week. It's called The Invisible Night and it touches on judging people/situations by what they look like. The short story will be Pay What You Want (meaning if you want it for $0, or $100 it's yours!)

Have you had any similar experience of being hit from every direction by a topic?

My mind is filled with hundreds of tiny bombs set by Emma Cline. 

I mean, goodness! Have you read The Girls??!! That book is full of all kinds of... of... (breathe!) 

It's too early to review the book, so let's just say it's more of just my thoughts. I had a hard time deciding which book to start after putting The Madwoman Upstairs down (not saying that it was bad, just couldn't get into it. So it's back on my tbr.) It was a toss up between Ksenia Anske's Irkadura and The Girls by Emma Cline. I went with The Girls because I wanted to do a blog series on Irkadura and I just don't have the time this month.

I started the book this morning, blind. That's right, when I added The Girls to my reading list I hadn't even read a blurb.

It said 'GIRLS'. I'm a girl.

From the cover, looked like it might be diving into some heavy stuff and boy do I like HEAVY STUFF. 

I got up early on Saturday morning, about 4am, made me a cup of chai tea and plunged right in. The storytelling nearly chewed a hole in me. It was only chapter 1! Every scene was giving so much: the language, the engagement between characters, the detail. It felt so ALIVE. I don't want to go into too much. I'll save it for when I post after I finish.

I'm too excited. I'm only on chapter 4 and I don't even care how the book ends. It's already perfect to me.