TK Strand

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

“Sometimes,” Carlos began while TK buried his head in his own arms, “sometimes we deserve more than people give us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.” He didn’t know why but he reached out and placed a comforting hand on TK’s shoulders. “And it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, even if you feel raw and exposed right now.”

Now Carlos was sure he was over stepping, TK didn’t ask for his unsolicited advice and who the hell was he to give it anyways? A concerned stranger, a cop who was processing him.

Carlos pulled his hand away and tapped in on the desk, he could tell by the way TK was hunched that he needed a moment so he didn’t press. He just let him gather his thoughts. Sometimes people needed that, and Carlos could be patient.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled slightly, assuming it was his boyfriend sending him yet another meme. Probably one he had no context clues about, but one that would make him smile anyways.

His trailed to TK and he wondered if he understood memes? If he showed TK his messages would he be able to tell him the cultural significance of Kermit the frog and his shadow self?

He shook his head and dropped his gaze back down to TK as he responded to his comments on New York City.

“You’re in Texas TK, BBQ and ribs for one.” He grinned, “but personally I think we have some of the best street tacos around. There is this little shop I visit often, you should try it. Although I should warn you, the heat is authentic, so be prepared for an elevated form of spice.” He grinned.

He remembered Michelle choking on the spice and his carefully supply of milk products until she could breath again.

“Alright, but the offer still stands. If you ever need me, I’ll be here.” He said. He grabbed a sticky note and wrote down his phone number and call sign.

“Take this if you ever to reach me.”

Then he went back to sorting through TK’s file. He clicked a couple more things and watched a file pop up on his screen. A little warning that TK’s record had a serious update and Carlos clicked into the file to add in the details if it was necessary.

He half expected it to be another fight. Maybe TK was into those underground MMA fights. But what popped in his screen made his stomach turn. TK wouldn’t be the first person he’d encounter with an issue with substances, but he was the first one that made Carlos’ heart stop in his chest.

It said he’d been dead for 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes. Carlos clicked out of the screen, and marked it as unimportant to the case. His eyes strayed to TK with an understanding of some of the things he’d gone through.

The struggle and strength it took to beat addictions was nothing to scoff at, and Carlos was impressed by his inner strength.

It brought this entire interaction into a new light and Carlos longed to ask if TK understood how strong he was, how brave he was, to fighting this battle at all.

But it wasn’t his place and TK hadn’t given that information freely, so he locked it behind his teeth and focused on his job.

It was easier said than done.

Especially with Officer Marston’s sneered words. If there was anyone in the Precinct that Carlos didn’t need like, it was him. He tended to be gruff around the edges and he hated that Carlos had higher marks in fire arms and better community relations.

“Good, if you would feel better we can take my patrol car.” He suggested, “otherwise my personal car works.” It was up to TK, but he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to use his patrol car. “Then again if you are trying to be discreet, my personal car won’t have a flashing red siren.” He suggested.

His eyes trailed over TK’s form as he shook his anger and he narrowed his eyes at his words. “He did what?!” He snapped harsher than he meant too. It wasn’t the first time he had thought ill of Officer Marston, but it was the first time he felt like he had an actual reason to feel that way.

“I can make a report,” he offered quickly, “and file it against him. He shouldn’t be using his badge to get away with hurting people.”

Carlos felt a deep anger settling in stomach. He hated when people took their power trips out on people. Especially in his line of work.

“Yes, we can leave.” Carlos gathered his stuff and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform. He just hit save on TK’s file and promised he’d finish it tomorrow.

He lead TK out the door and glared at Marston as they passed. Not that the man cared. At all. His dislike for Carlos was well known.

And then cursed himself. He didn’t want to crave anything or anyone. He wanted to stomp on even the slightest inkling of desire. The taste of disappointment was extremely bitter and TK could certainly do without that reminder for the rest of his life.

He heard the officer list out the street food and nodded in all the required places. There would have been a time when TK would have smoothly wrangled an invite to get the guy to show him the place or throw an innuendo of being able to handle the heat. But now, he was pretty sure he’d neither be able to taste the taco or enjoy anything that Austin had to offer.

He didn’t really want to be in Austin in the first place. And getting back to New York was out of question. And it wasn’t for the first time that TK felt the sense of absolute displacement, of just floating in space without any meaning or purpose.

“Cool thanks for the suggestion” he mumbled in response, not wanting to come across as a rude dick but his energy absolutely exhausted, he found himself unable to even engage in any small talk.

Though the man sliding the sticky note with his number made TK raise his eyebrows. He didn’t refuse it, instead pocketing it though he was sure he’d never use it. Atleast not in the way the Officer may have meant. 

“You’re pretty brave to be giving random people who were brought to the precinct in cuffs, your number or volunteering to give them a ride home. I could be anyone.” TK observed marveling at the cop’s foolhardiness while also feeling a strange inking to shake him to face the reality and simultaneously wanting to protect him from the same. 

“I could be dangerous” he continued, his expression turning churlish “ lead you anywhere or take you hostage. Tell me you don’t make it a habit of being this nice to all the people you process!” The disbelief was rather evident in his tone, but he really didn’t think this was the normal way things worked? Or was it different in Texas? 

“Just how many calls do you receive in a day?” he couldn’t help asking, his former resolve to maintain any distance totally dissolving “Most people who walk through the doors may perhaps desire mercy or kindness, but they often don’t deserve it. And here you…” 

Shut up now! His brain supplied as he realised if unchecked he’d probably say something totally stupid…like how his eyes were so expressive, and the expression so open and warm, that for the first time in days, TK wasn’t seeing everything as grey. Instead it was all soft brown.

“You..you should be more cautious” He lamely finished, not understanding why he was turning into a filterless mother hen but feeling completely embarrassed by it nonetheless. 

He should just not talk again unless absolutely necessary. And with that silent promise, he buried his face in his arms again.

It was only when the cop began talking about cars and report that TK made any move to respond. He’d love to actually report the guy but seeing as he had no intention of ever coming back there again, he really didn’t want to be involved in that mess.

“It’s fine” he mumbled, gathering his phone and shrugging into his jacket “don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Trust me I know those types. He may not do anything overtly, but he’d know it was you who made that report and he’d try to make your life hell”

The cold air hit him as they got out of the precinct and he rubbed his arms, feeling his muscles ache. Damn, he was going to be so freaking sore the next day.

“And badge or not” TK quickly observed “most people do end up hurting others. Maybe it is the way of the world, but if people are not careful, they will end up hurt beyond measure”

He had no fucking idea why he was blabbering to him like a talkative kid and had to forcibly bite his lips from saying anything anymore. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could just forget this day.

If only forgetting everything else would be that easy.

He knew that being in pain, whatever type made it hard to be open with others, and he’d done his own silent sulking in his life. Times when he was so upset and so distressed that he couldn’t help but pull in, and block everyone out.

Those were times he desperately wished for someone, anyone to reach out to him, and maybe this was him projecting, maybe he was putting his own pain on TK, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave him to wonder in the darkness alone.

So, he let the words wash over him and pushed past the sharp sting of them. TK wasn’t going to make this friendship easy, but Carlos was a firm believer in anything worth fighting for, was worth waiting for. So he could wait. And be supportive at the same time.

“Your worry is appreciated,” Carlos responded and he was being honest, he did appreciate his worry. “But I promise, people who have those ideas aren’t usually telling Police Officers about them.” He grinned a little teasing.

“I promise I’m careful with my offers, but you don’t need to worry TK, I’m careful. You just don’t seem like the serial killer type.” He shuffled the files as he set them to the side, and didn’t bother to hide his smile this time.

He could tell that TK was having a hard time understanding Carlos’ methodology, but Carlos’ path had showed results. Most of his violators weren’t repeat offenders and offering resources instead of apathy made people feel better and more willing to get help.

“Honestly, it depends. Usually anywhere from 7 to 30 at least.” He shrugged, “but I don’t process them all.”

Sometimes Carlos just worked the crowds at scenes and things like that, so he didn’t have that many outside calls. Other days, it felt relentless.

“Honestly though, no one usually asks these type of questions.” And then he winced, because it was a little too telling. No one asked Carlos if he was alright.

Not even Javier. Who came home from work with stories of life threatening surgeries or frustrating patients. His heroic tales always interested Carlos, and he got sidetracked. Usually Carlos didn’t even realize he hadn’t shared any details until after was home and tucked into bed.

Then he realized he felt a little … lonely.

He darted his gaze away from TK and clamped the thought. This wasn’t about Carlos, this was about TK. And TK needed him to be strong and supportive, not whatever the heck he was being.

“Please don’t worry about my job,” Carlos said, blinking in shock at his worry. “I promise it’ll be okay, honestly Officer Marston and I have our own issues anyways.” He shrugged because TK didn’t need that story either.

They fell in silence as they walked out the doors and Carlos steered them towards the parking lot, where his baby was parked in a nice spot. “Sorry it’s a hike,” he said because sometimes people complained about the long walk. “Officer Ramirez is known for door dings, so I have to park away from him.”

Carlos glanced at TK and frowned, “I’m no stranger to being hurt TK, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help others either.” He offered TK a soft smile. “Like you, you wouldn’t be a firefighter if didn’t like to save people, right?” He asked.

He resolve of maintaining all distance, of putting up a cold front slowly melted away and he found himself chuckling at the man’s words. “I didn’t know serial killer type was a thing. Now I am curious. What exactly is the standard description of these people?” Teasing him back came easier than TK had expected, hell even talking with him was easy and for the life him he couldn’t understand why.

Many saw him as being an open book, but TK held some chapters incredibly close to him that what most people thought was the whole picture was only part of it. But the urge to loosen his hold a little, let the man get a glimpse of them was strong and it took a lot to taper that desire down.

“Yeah I know what you mean. Somedays are incredibly slow and others are filled with so many calls, it feels absolutely never-ending. Did you hear about the crazy corn-silo rescue we had to do the other day? It was bonkers!” 

A part of his brain was urging him to just shut up and not engage too much but another part of him couldn’t help but be charmed by the open warmth Officer Reyes radiated. And TK wanted to bask in it, even for a night.

His eyes widened slightly at that admission, but TK wasn’t exactly surprised. He had seen enough of selfish people to understand that while people were expert and enthusiastic in taking and working their charm when it benefitted them, they were incredibly miserly in giving anything back. He shouldn’t get involved yet TK couldn’t help murmur a quiet “Guess I’ll know now what to use your number for” as they left the precinct.

He turned to study the man as he spoke and couldn’t help but huff out a little laugh “Right..and yet there you were going above and beyond your duty to make sure I was okay. You’re a great officer Carlos, with a good heart- something I know isn’t exactly common in your profession and I seriously wouldn’t want to make this place harder for you to work in with complaints like that.” 

He hadn’t liked the man at all and as they moved towards the parking lot, TK lightly bit his lips, turning towards Carlos, his eyes shinning with a some mischief as he asked- “Is there any punishment for flipping off an officer? Because I resisted doing it to him today but I’ll like to know if that option is available in the future”

Waving off the apology as unnecessary, the pair made their way across the lot, the walk successful to pulling TK away from the heavy gloom that had descended on him that night. He knew he’d have to face the music the next day, for just for tonight, he let himself relax and not think too much of things.

He wasn’t surprised on hearing his desire to give and TK respected that, but he really didn’t want to see him hurt as TK himself had been. That the possibility was existence felt so bleak, he’d choose nothingness over it. “I do want to save people” he haltingly began “But I also have a whole set of armor and PPEs when I walk into that fire. And as much as everyone in the team wants to have 100% success stories every time, we also know when we have to pull back.” He steadily gazed at the officer, the meaning evident although TK didn’t feel comfortable stating that thought outright. Protect yourself fully and know when to pull away, he wanted to chastise but seeing as the man was still a stranger, he didn’t want to cross any lines.

“What?” He said arching an eyebrow and keeping his tone light and playful, “Have you never watched a crime show? It’s 2021 man.” He shook his head a little and then leaned forward on his elbow. It was nice to see a real smile spread over TK’s face, and he wasn’t sure what he said … but he was glad TK was opening up to him.

It was almost too easy to connect with him. And a little scary if Carlos was being honest. He had never felt so seen before.

“Oh yeah, was that your crew? I heard a couple people got dragged in, and had to be cut out with a saw.” He shook his head. “It happens more than you would think, I’m sure you will get plenty more of those calls. Were you also at the call where a man got stuck in a drain pipe because he went after his dog?” Carlos added, “He was so upset because he was sure his dog was in there, but when the crew got inside all they found was a possum. Apparently his dog was found at a nearby park chasing squirrels.”

It was an interesting story to say the least, but mostly because Carlos could relate to the owner. Pets were family, and Carlos had done his own crazy stunts to save animals. Like the time he crossed a frozen lake to save someone’s cat.

Carlos chuckled at the thought and smiled at TK widely. “I’m sure you had some wild rescues in New York, tell me is there a big difference between the types of accidents you’ve seen?” He knew TK hadn’t been in town long, but he could probably make an educated guess.

“hmmm?” Carlos asked, “What did you say?” He hadn’t caught every word that TK was saying but he thought he heard something about his phone number.

As they walked, the tension that he had seen on TK inside the station seemed to melt away, and he was happy to witness it. He thought about what he would say to Michelle later this evening, when she stopped by his place. He pretended he would tell her how he befriended one of the Firefighters, but thought better of it. He promised TK nothing would spread on his behalf and he meant it.

Still, the progress they had made warmed his heart, and he truly did hope that they could be friends. He wanted to know everything there was to know about TK.

“Thank you I try to keep basic human rights in mind when I’m working and -” he stopped mid step and snapped his gazed back to TK. “Did you just -” He paused floundering for a moment in confusion and the sudden heat in his cheeks. There was something about the way that TK said his name that made his cheeks hot. And he wasn’t sure how he even knew it.

He didn’t want to ruin the tentative truce they had, but he couldn’t help but tease TK. “Have you been asking about me?” He grinned. “Are you going to be filing a complaint? Should I be worried.” He was merely joking, but his curiosity was piqued. He wanted to know how TK knew of him.

The grin on his face was wide, as they resumed walking. “I wouldn’t suggest it, but technically not.” Carlos laughed. “You could probably get away with cussing him out too, just keep your hands to yourself and you should be fine.”

Carlos looked up at sky and noticed how bright the moon looked, the clouds were clear and he found the idea of driving TK home and getting a chance to talk to him more exciting. He loved meeting new people, and especially people he had made a connection with. Even if TK seemed like he hadn’t decided if he liked Carlos at all. Then again… he knew his name… so that had to count for something.

It felt nice to talk about his calls with someone who wasn’t really involved and could call him the coach’s son but who also understood how different their jobs were to the regular 9/5 people. 

“Yeah, that was Marjan and me. We got pulled in too. It was crazy! Who knew corn could be so heavy” He answered, still remembering the absolute panic at seeing Marjan sink down, the moment he unclipped from his harness to save her, only to fall himself. Judd might think and say whatever he liked, but TK simply couldn’t stand back and what someone get hurt right in front of him.

He remembered the call Carlos was talking about, especially because his dad had been about to bench him for being distracted. He had forgotten to unmute all social media and gotten a notification with Alex kissing Mitchell in Venice, a place where TK had always wanted to go. It had burnt him deeply and without a second thought, he had deactivated all his socials.

He had been on the call, but had hardly participated and couldn’t even join in the team silently laughing at the whole thing, even when Mateo had cuddled the possum to take a selfie

The memory now dragged some of the numbness back in him and he fought hard from it reflecting in his voice “Oh yeahh, that was crazy. He could have been seriously injured My team had fun taking pictures though” but didn’t offer anything else.

Was this how it would always be? TK had his own fair share of breakups, but a breakup with a cheating ex mixed with a proposal and topped off with an overdose sent him spinning in his head every single day.

He tried to be more present in the conversation going on so as to not come off as a jerk to one of the few people who had shown him kindness that night. “Yeah some. New York is a different brand of crazy. I once saved the window washer from the 40th floor of the Chrysler building” And then he had spoken to his dad just before about wanting to propose to Alex.

Shame and pain flooded his body and TK got quieter as they walked. He really didn’t know how he could move on and just purge everything away and forget it. Lost in things he’d rather forget, he almost missed the officer’s reply and turned towards him with the intention of asking him to repeat with the sight of him blushing lightly caught his eye.

TK blinked, his broken heart apparently still capable of being charmed and thought back to just what he could have said to elicit that reaction. All he did was to observe that Carlos was a…Oh..OH

OH DAMN!

He cleared his throat mentally freaking out a little, and hoped the man would overlook that. But apparently, Carlos Reyes…he tested the name in his head and quickly felt like a creep for doing so, but apparently Officer Reyes had no problem calling him out. 

“Austin is a small town Carlos” TK began tilting his head to study him “And apparently people love to talk. Should you be worried? Well yeah absolutely” And with a wink, he continued walking on.

Before soundly cursing himself. Did he just wink at the man? Just minutes after feeling wrecked at the way his life had gone down in NYC? That itelf was good indication that he had no proper control over his emotions and he felt too much, too soon or nothing at all.

Thankfully they began talking of other things and he nodded along listening intently. There was something so warm and nice about the sound of his voice that it helped him relax marginally again. “Well that’s good to know. I’m sure I’ll soon pick up more swear words to add to my growing collection” He lightly joked, unwilling to admit that he had picked up some pretty filthy vocabulary since he was young. Being around sleep-deprived, starved firefighters had its own merits.

He stopped for a moment, absolutely surprised at the cop’s words. He had suave spunk, TK would give him that and it also soothed a part of him that had since been smarting from Alex’s cheating and rejection. 

There were so many silent innuendos TK could make of that statement, but decided to hold them shut for now. TK hadn’t really considered having friends in the city, but now that Carlos mentioned it, the idea sure was enticing. Plus, it would be a clean slate beginning where he’d know nothing of New York or TK’s overdose and addiction to substances and he could the cool version in front of him. He liked the thought, he’d like it even more if some benefits were added but he’d hold that thought for now.

“Bring friends with me will also involve getting dragged to various eateries all over town, gushing over Harry Styles and random midnight texts because our schedules are a total mess” TK joked with a nonchalant shrug. He wouldn’t put too much thought into it. When it came to him, people always left and he’d give Carlos a solid two weeks before the pull away excuses would come. It was better to not get involved or attached, both axioms TK now lived by. 

He hadn’t expected Carlos to drive a sports car, but then again he hadn’t expected anything at all frankly. But in a way, TK felt it fit his personality. “Manual transmissions are over-rated anyways and the only way you will convince me about the speed is by demonstrating it” he challenged back, lightly running his hands over the cool metal. 

At the mention of the name, TK couldn’t help but laugh, patting the hood “It isn’t lame at all. Don’t tell anyone, but my dad names stuff too. He has a favourite blender called Marlon. Makes the best Peanut Butter Banana smoothie ever!” He wasn’t surprised that the name was male instead of the usual female names, already aware that Carlos was gay. Gossip could sometimes be really useful like that.  

He waited for Carlos to unlock the car before opening the door. “It may not seen like a ‘you’ car but Hughes and you have things in common- a gorgeous exterior and a warm interior. Rest everything else is secondary” With a light teasing grin, TK smoothly slid in and pull up the seatbelt.

He bounced his fingers on the desk while he thought about it. “You know I have done my fair share of chases, but luckily for me, there hasn’t been many full on brawls.” He admitted. His eyes ranked over TK’s face and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was calling him attractive, then again he had no idea if TK was even interested in men. So he was probably reading into things. And even if he was attracted to men, there was no way TK thought *he* was the attractive one. Not when he looked like he was sculpted from clay.

“We’re a little boring at the end of shifts, but don’t worry, the fun is never ending.”

Unconsciously Carlos leaned forward and his eyebrows raised. “Wow, that sounds intense. Did you or Marjan get hurt?” He asked running his gaze down TK’s body and back up to his face. He guessed he wouldn’t know what was from the corn or from the two men TK decided to fight.

“I’m actually friends with Grace Ryder,” Carlos told him, “She works in dispatch. Have you met her yet?” He twisted in chair, and smirked. “She had the best stories. And it’s interesting to hear her take on things.” Grace was amazing and a Carlos envied the way she handled things.

Carlos felt saddened as TK’s face twitched, there was a story there but one he didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Carlos wanted to press, but he wasn’t sure it was his place just yet. TK seemed like a calm - and Carlos was looking forward to getting to see the pearl inside of him.

“Yeah, did you take a picture with the possum? I hope they were taken by animal control. Or re-released.” He said. Then realizing how strange that sounded he quickly jumped to explain. “I grew up on a farm, so we had a ton of little critters that came by. And coyotes. But they usually didn’t attack our chickens because I’d leave food out for them.”

A precaution after his uncle shot one and made Carlos cry for a week straight. His father had told him that it was the circle of life, but Carlos didn’t understand why they killed it. The coyote was hungry, all it wanted was food. Why should it die for that?

Just another example of Carlos being too soft. The thought alone made Carlos wince. He wondered if that’s what TK thought of him too. He wouldn’t be the first, even Javier hinted as much. Although he had never said it aloud. So Carlos liked to pretend that he was reading to far into things, because at least then he didn’t have to make peace with it.

Their conversation lapsed for a moment and again Carlos was struck with wanting to know what the other man was thinking. Especially knowing about his name. Maybe it came from Grace or Michelle? He wasn’t sure. He thought the Paramedics and Firefighters didn’t really chat that often, but Michelle was known to cross invisible lines.

Carlos barked another laugh at TK’s words and rolled his eyes. He almost believed he was flirting with him, but logic came back and told him he wasn’t. So he didn’t say anything about it to TK. “At least tell me you asked impartial people and not anyone who will give you false information. Because I’ll have you know I’m not the reckless idiot that the shop keeper thinks I am. Just because I walked into the store with no safety vest and no gun doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I was off shift, and the place was being robbed. I would never normally do that.”

He was damn lucky the assailant was just a scared kid that wanted drugs, and not a madman who wanted to hurt people.

“Yeah? Maybe you should try cussing him out in a foreign language. He’d probably be confused and annoyed.” Carlos grinned, “but you didn’t hear that from me.”

There was something to be said about giving this type of advice as a cop, but Carlos didn’t mind. It wasn’t like Marston didn’t deserve it.

He couldn’t help but notice that TK seemed to teeter back and forth between a good mood and a bad one and he wondered if there was anything he could say to make him feel better.

“Well, I’m all for the eateries, not sure about Harry Styles we’ll have to come back to that, and I’m up for midnight texts. My shift schedule is a nightmare, I’m sure yours is too.” Carlos thought about how lonely it was at times, when he was home from work at 3 in the morning and pumped, and there was no one around.

Honestly having TK for a friend sounded amazing, and Carlos was beaming just thinking about it. He couldn’t wait to show him the different spots in town, and maybe TK liked hiking or morning runs. The possibilities were endless.

Especially once TK began gushing about his car. No one did that with Carlos, not even the colleagues he knew had sport cars. Most of them steered clear of him in fear of catching “the gay” and he didn’t feel like he was missing out.

“Yeah? You don’t think it ruins the car?” He asked because he’d heard that several times in his life. “My baby drives like a dream.” Carlos continued running his palms over the line on the door. “And I love his little shark gills.” He grinned pointing to the body of the car.

There was so much he loved about his car and he couldn’t help but let that leak into his every word. “Seriously, I’ll take you on a drive sometime, near my families ranch is all private property so no speed laws.”

His smile widened as TK told him about his dad’s blender and his favorite smoothies. “Really, that’s an interesting name. I don’t name everything, but my car is super important to me. So I wonder… how important is that blender.” He laughed. Returning TK’s smile. “Must be impressive if it makes your favorite smoothies.”

Carlos didn’t like to brag but he was usually pretty good at putting clues together, and everything was pointing to TK being gay, or at least interested in men. Mostly because straight men weren’t usually comfortable calling Carlos attractive. Especially when they knew he was gay.

Although, Carlos knew better than to make assumptions. So maybe it was his turn to ask around about TK, and see what he could find out.

At the end of the day it didn’t matter if TK liked men or not, because he taken, and TK didn’t actually seem interested, so there was no reason to mention Javier. And if TK turned out to be a good friend he could always introduce them later, and see how he reacted to his boyfriend.

That usually was a quick way to figure out if someone was okay with his sexuality.

“Just wait until I start him up,” he said sliding in next to TK, “the engine practically purrs. It’s has a 6.2-liter V-8 engine, and goes from 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds.” He boasted.

Which worked fabulously considering he wasn’t a fan of Judd at all.

“I got yelled at for attempting to go after Marjan” TK couldn’t help but grumble, not sure why he decided to talk to Carlos, someone he had started speaking to just half hour ago, but words seemed to fly. “Judd was pissed and called me the coach’s son. Doesn’t know where he comes off with that red neck swagger. Like firefighting in Manhattan was a cushy gig.” 

His jaws tightened in anger both on repeating those words and also at the fact that he was repeating them to an almost stranger. Maybe the fight that day had knocked off a few of his filters, because it seemed rare for TK to be this willing to share personal stuff.

As Carlos started talking about Grace Ryder, TK couldn’t help but shake his head “My dad knows her better but I’ve heard enough to wonder why someone like her would ultimately pick Judd. That man…pisses me off” Not wanting to go into another rant, TK decided to leave it at that.

Thankfully the topic shifted to animals and TK was glad for that change. With a chuckle, he picked up his phone and showed him pictures that the 126 had taken. He was in some, with an incredible scowl on his face so much so that even the animal looked terrified to be near him. Swiping left, a selfie popped up- one he had taken after he had dressed up to go to the restaurant, his grin easy and light, his eyes bright in anticipation of asking Alex to marry him that night. That memory, this image churned TK’s stomach, making bile rise up his throat and without a second thought, he deleted the picture and pocked his phone.

That man with those bright happy hopes had died that night and this version of him was nothing but a man filled with numbness who say grey everywhere.

Wanting to push the thoughts away, he tried to engage in the conversation that was happening, asking a quiet “Weren’t you afraid of the coyotes?”

He couldn’t comprehend the man in front of him who willing left food for the animals. But that information, combined with the way Carlos had treated him so far was enough to let him know that he was safe for TK to be around- not that TK did intend to hover in his company. He already recognised his crush and he certainly didn’t want it to develop into something more.

It just seemed easier to talk to him, and he had smiled more genuinely in the past half hour more than he ever had in the weeks since their move. 

“The point of cussing” he continued, not wanting to be lost too much in his head “is so that the other person understands you want to call them horseshit. What’s the fun in a foreign language. But” he wiggled his eyebrows “I won’t be opposed to learning some in Spanish. Tell me you know really good ones!”

The night could have gone in a different way, with TK even more unhappy and angry getting home. But now, atleast while he was here, he felt something and he was exhausted enough to not have the energy to push it all away. Especially if it meant he’d have a new friend in Austin

“Oh come on!” TK wasn’t one to let anyone brush off Harry Styles at easily. “Don’t tell me his cooing and those lyrics doesn’t do anything to you. What do you jam to in general? And I hope you know what you’re getting into with 3am texts. Take-backs aren’t allowed”

Not that TK really intended on following through with his words and ever texting the man, but the idea was enticing enough that he allowed himself to pretend even for a moment.

He paused a moment at Carlos’ question and turned to look at him, a serious glint flickering in his eyes when he asked him about the name “You really shouldn’t give stock to other people’s thoughts. You named him a cool name, and it made you happy and you did it from a place that felt..you. Why give a damn what anyone else thinks?” His voice lowered as his fingers traced mindless patterns on the car. “There is enough sadness in the world, don’t need other people’s opinions to weigh us down even more”

It didn’t feel awkward at all, sitting besides him- a stranger and a cop who had processed him. If anything, it felt..comfortable. And that wasn’t an emotion TK was used to in Austin. He rested his head on the seat and turned to look at Carlos as he spoke, his features even more attractive now with the added excitement of cars. 

“Yeah I’d like that drive, actually say what your baby is capable of” Logically he knew that would never manifest and this whole thing was only Carlos being a good cop and doing his duty. It could be one of those polite things people said but never followed through so TK held himself back from trusting his words.

A week in, and TK knew he’d probably be a distant memory and internally vowed to never seek the man out to avoid the whole ‘I think I know you from somewhere’ situation. 

“My dad considers random things as priceless but it’s his life and opinion and happiness so “ TK shrugged not wanting to open the can of just how complicated that relationship was. 

Instead to grinned at Carlos’ words, lightly patting the dashboard “I like the sound of that. Ready when you are” He gave him the street address and momentarily shut his eyes. He’ll probably have to break into his own house to avoid any questions from his dad. Normally, coming in a car with a man would have allowed TK to pretend he was out having fun, but seeing as his bruises were evident and Carlos was someone they’d probably run into again on scenes, it would be smart to avoid that white lie.

He thought of his father who grumbled about Firefighters on the daily, and made comments about any other branch of first responders that weren’t the Texas Rangers, and then he remembered his face when he told him he was entering the academy.

He’s looked disappointed, and their already tense relationship had just gotten worse. The negatives that Carlos had piling up like jenga pieces until it was so large and high it felt like a skyscraper.

But looking at TK’s smile was a good distraction from his internal struggles and he allowed himself to be swept up in the conversation. Even as TK’s tone turned dark and his expression darkened.

“Judd can come off that way,” He agreed arching an eyebrow as he spoke. “Sometimes he gets angry to avoid his other emotions. My guess, you probably scared the hell out of him.”

Carlos dropped his hand to the note pad and ran his fingers along the edge of it. “Nothing about New York sound cushy, I’ve heard the Police Stations over there are a mess. Maybe you should try talking to him?” He suggested.

“Seems like he does, I don’t blame you for being upset but …” Carlos trailed off and thought over his words carefully. “Do you think you were being reckless?”

Carlos knew TK might close down when he asked that, but if TK was being reckless, well then someone had to tell him. Especially with the fight he got into. “Is that was started this mess?” He asked leaning forward to make sure their conversation was just between them.

His brown eyes sliding over TK’s face with a soft expression.

As the conversation moved along Carlos listened to TK diligently and smiled at his photos. He caught the gorgeous one at the end and sucked in a breath. TK looked… different in that photo.

Happy, and glowing, but his eyes, they didn’t look as happy as the rest of him did. He looked off, and Carlos didn’t know why. But he wished he could ask. He didn’t, because TK quickly shut it down, and Carlos didn’t want to continue pressing his luck.

“Yes, but you can be afraid of something and still appreciate that it’s life has meaning.” Carlos said, “I might have placed the food and then ran back to the house repeatedly before I stopped being afraid.” He said.

He chuckled a little at the thought and knew that TK might think he was being foolish or naive but he was honestly okay with that. “Just don’t tell anyone okay, it’s our secretly.”

He knew TK was right about cussing but it was something different to hear him say it outright. He appreciate the other mans candor. “That’s true, but I like to mutter in Spanish when people really tick me off.” He told him. “Although I’m not opposed to teaching you some fun words.”

Carlos couldn’t believe that TK was such a fanboy but it made him shake his head in laughter. “Is that so, does he do *things* to you. I like him, but I’m not a huge fan. I like lots of music, but I’m not sure I have a favorite artist. Although I will admit that I’m a huge fan of musicals.”

He looked around, “that’s another secret for the jar.” He said and then leaned in closer to TK, “have you ever been to a Broadway show?”

It was something he’d always wanted to do. And maybe someday he still could. Maybe Javier would want to go with him?

“Don’t worry, 3 am texts are always interesting, I hope you don’t mind random food pictures. I like taking pictures of my creations.”

Carlos regarded TK openly, his words touching a place that ached in his chest. And he rubbed the center of his chest like the ache would go away. “You’re absolutely right, but that’s easier said than done I’m afraid.” He wondered if TK could be unapologetically himself? He hoped so. He wanted that for him.

Sitting in his car with TK was nice and he quickly turned on the air. “If you like fast, you’ll enjoy him. I don’t usually let anyone drive him, but I’ll make an exception if you promise to be careful.”

Carlos glanced at TK and frowned at the look on his face. Maybe they were just trading what if’s, but Carlos liked the sound of them.

“Sounds like an interesting guy, he was pretty impressive that night. But I haven’t seen much of him since.” He remarked. Sure they ran into each other, but generally Carlos’ partner did the talking.

“Great, let’s get

You home in one piece.” Carlos put the car in gear and backed out of the parking spot. He checked his mirrors and then started towards TK’s address.

He chuckled at TK’s statement and shook his head. “More than you’re thinking, but usually I take my Patrol Car. I’m not a big fan of letting people wonder into the darkness alone. Especially after being processed for hours.” He said.

Carlos loved helping others, but he was generally safe about it too. “But you’re a friend from work,” he said smiling a little, “so this is a different story entirely.”

A part of him had expected the man to brush off his comments about Judd or nod along like Alex and his other friends often did. So, it was with growing astonishment that TK heard him give him opinions- observed opinion on the matter. 

He did not want to believe Carlos, wanted to hate Judd but deep down TK knew that - Judd have been freaking terrified and he had been absolutely reckless. That didn’t mean he liked being called out like that. “Listen..that’s just” TK began only to come to a halt at his question. His eyes widened at the expert and extremely accurate conclusion. He bit his lips and turned away, not wanting to say anything but also strangely not wanting to lie.

Damn the man was good. There was something about the expression in his eyes, those brown orbs soft and concerned that made TK want to open up, made him want to listen his advice. But still, it blew his pride a little to have a mere stranger read him like a familiar book.

It was even stranger to have secrets with a man he’d barely known but TK felt a smile tug at the corner of his lips “That was incredibly brave and absolutely sweet” he noted, the story revealing more about the kind of man Carlos was- especially if he seemed to care for chickens and coyotes.

The more he interacted with the man, the more he felt drawn to him- to the way he viewed the world, to his strangely reckless giving heart, to his laugh and the comforting warmth of his eyes. TK found himself grinning as he agreed to Spanish swear lessons, gasped an ‘Of course I have! I am from New York., it’s like a given at this point. I’ve been to some and I especially loved Wicked,” and just relaxed and let himself be who he had been, before Alex, before the OD, before the mess- that carefree joy lightly peaking out from the depth of his heart.

Their walk towards the car was halted as soon as Carlos mentioned creation “Wait, wait..you can cook? Like the real stuff?” Because from what he had seen so far, his dad was meh and except for Paul no one really knew anything except heating stuff from meal boxes. And none of them would dare send him pictures of food because it never looked appetizing enough.

“I don’t think only pictures would cut it though, especially for food. I need to experience the real deal” TK grinned in response innocently shrugging “just to enjoy the whole thing, give feedback, write honest replies back.”

He had seen enough of the world to understand that just because you were good doesn’t automatically mean that you’d get goodness back. But a part of him ached as Carlos noted that it was hard. Unconsciously, his fingers squeezed his biceps in support “True as that might be, it’s good to just start somewhere, even at something small” before letting his hands drop down. 

His mind that certainly registered the muscles, but he pushed that thought aside for the moment.

The drive was interesting and he noted how at ease Carlos was in operating the vehicle though nothing could have prepared him for Carlos regarding offering him the car to drive.

“As happy as I am to accept exceptions, I am pretty rusty with driving. Manhattan traffic is a pain. But I wouldn’t be opposed to more rides with Hughes” And you

That remained unsaid but a part of TK was panicking at the very notion of that thought. He could deal with crushes but anything more had the potential of completely blowing up on his face and he really didn’t think he could survive that. 

However, something about Carlos made him want to atleast test the waters again. He mulled about it in silence, letting the cop’s voice fill the space between them when he sharply turned his head to look at him “Wait..did you previously mention that you had actually gone into an armed robbery situation without your gun and any other reinforcement?” His jaw dropped at that, though a part of him wasn’t that surprised considering that was his own personal brand of reckless.

“Guess we have more in common than I realised. You may not want to admit it, generous heart or not but you are as reckless as I am.” He let a small teasing smile widen across his lips “Forget friend from work, you are totally my partner-in-crime now. We’ll ignore the cop part for now” 

Drumming his fingers, he couldn’t help but be curious as to how someone could be that selfless. It bothered him too, that Carlos seemed to constantly talk about giving, but he hoped he got some back in return too. He hardly knew him, felt incredibly presumptuous to advice anyone when his own life was a mess, but if not friends- he still wasn’t counting on that idea coming to fruition- he decided to atleast be in the vicinity of his circle.

“You know best what you do” he couldn't help but remark on “just don’t forget the protective gear and learn to pull away in time and you’ll be gold” The end of the sentence tapered off into a yawn and TK let his eyes momentarily shut.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

“Sometimes,” Carlos began while TK buried his head in his own arms, “sometimes we deserve more than people give us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.” He didn’t know why but he reached out and placed a comforting hand on TK’s shoulders. “And it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, even if you feel raw and exposed right now.”

Now Carlos was sure he was over stepping, TK didn’t ask for his unsolicited advice and who the hell was he to give it anyways? A concerned stranger, a cop who was processing him.

Carlos pulled his hand away and tapped in on the desk, he could tell by the way TK was hunched that he needed a moment so he didn’t press. He just let him gather his thoughts. Sometimes people needed that, and Carlos could be patient.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled slightly, assuming it was his boyfriend sending him yet another meme. Probably one he had no context clues about, but one that would make him smile anyways.

His trailed to TK and he wondered if he understood memes? If he showed TK his messages would he be able to tell him the cultural significance of Kermit the frog and his shadow self?

He shook his head and dropped his gaze back down to TK as he responded to his comments on New York City.

“You’re in Texas TK, BBQ and ribs for one.” He grinned, “but personally I think we have some of the best street tacos around. There is this little shop I visit often, you should try it. Although I should warn you, the heat is authentic, so be prepared for an elevated form of spice.” He grinned.

He remembered Michelle choking on the spice and his carefully supply of milk products until she could breath again.

“Alright, but the offer still stands. If you ever need me, I’ll be here.” He said. He grabbed a sticky note and wrote down his phone number and call sign.

“Take this if you ever to reach me.”

Then he went back to sorting through TK’s file. He clicked a couple more things and watched a file pop up on his screen. A little warning that TK’s record had a serious update and Carlos clicked into the file to add in the details if it was necessary.

He half expected it to be another fight. Maybe TK was into those underground MMA fights. But what popped in his screen made his stomach turn. TK wouldn’t be the first person he’d encounter with an issue with substances, but he was the first one that made Carlos’ heart stop in his chest.

It said he’d been dead for 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes. Carlos clicked out of the screen, and marked it as unimportant to the case. His eyes strayed to TK with an understanding of some of the things he’d gone through.

The struggle and strength it took to beat addictions was nothing to scoff at, and Carlos was impressed by his inner strength.

It brought this entire interaction into a new light and Carlos longed to ask if TK understood how strong he was, how brave he was, to fighting this battle at all.

But it wasn’t his place and TK hadn’t given that information freely, so he locked it behind his teeth and focused on his job.

It was easier said than done.

Especially with Officer Marston’s sneered words. If there was anyone in the Precinct that Carlos didn’t need like, it was him. He tended to be gruff around the edges and he hated that Carlos had higher marks in fire arms and better community relations.

“Good, if you would feel better we can take my patrol car.” He suggested, “otherwise my personal car works.” It was up to TK, but he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to use his patrol car. “Then again if you are trying to be discreet, my personal car won’t have a flashing red siren.” He suggested.

His eyes trailed over TK’s form as he shook his anger and he narrowed his eyes at his words. “He did what?!” He snapped harsher than he meant too. It wasn’t the first time he had thought ill of Officer Marston, but it was the first time he felt like he had an actual reason to feel that way.

“I can make a report,” he offered quickly, “and file it against him. He shouldn’t be using his badge to get away with hurting people.”

Carlos felt a deep anger settling in stomach. He hated when people took their power trips out on people. Especially in his line of work.

“Yes, we can leave.” Carlos gathered his stuff and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform. He just hit save on TK’s file and promised he’d finish it tomorrow.

He lead TK out the door and glared at Marston as they passed. Not that the man cared. At all. His dislike for Carlos was well known.

And then cursed himself. He didn’t want to crave anything or anyone. He wanted to stomp on even the slightest inkling of desire. The taste of disappointment was extremely bitter and TK could certainly do without that reminder for the rest of his life.

He heard the officer list out the street food and nodded in all the required places. There would have been a time when TK would have smoothly wrangled an invite to get the guy to show him the place or throw an innuendo of being able to handle the heat. But now, he was pretty sure he’d neither be able to taste the taco or enjoy anything that Austin had to offer.

He didn’t really want to be in Austin in the first place. And getting back to New York was out of question. And it wasn’t for the first time that TK felt the sense of absolute displacement, of just floating in space without any meaning or purpose.

“Cool thanks for the suggestion” he mumbled in response, not wanting to come across as a rude dick but his energy absolutely exhausted, he found himself unable to even engage in any small talk.

Though the man sliding the sticky note with his number made TK raise his eyebrows. He didn’t refuse it, instead pocketing it though he was sure he’d never use it. Atleast not in the way the Officer may have meant. 

“You’re pretty brave to be giving random people who were brought to the precinct in cuffs, your number or volunteering to give them a ride home. I could be anyone.” TK observed marveling at the cop’s foolhardiness while also feeling a strange inking to shake him to face the reality and simultaneously wanting to protect him from the same. 

“I could be dangerous” he continued, his expression turning churlish “ lead you anywhere or take you hostage. Tell me you don’t make it a habit of being this nice to all the people you process!” The disbelief was rather evident in his tone, but he really didn’t think this was the normal way things worked? Or was it different in Texas? 

“Just how many calls do you receive in a day?” he couldn’t help asking, his former resolve to maintain any distance totally dissolving “Most people who walk through the doors may perhaps desire mercy or kindness, but they often don’t deserve it. And here you…” 

Shut up now! His brain supplied as he realised if unchecked he’d probably say something totally stupid…like how his eyes were so expressive, and the expression so open and warm, that for the first time in days, TK wasn’t seeing everything as grey. Instead it was all soft brown.

“You..you should be more cautious” He lamely finished, not understanding why he was turning into a filterless mother hen but feeling completely embarrassed by it nonetheless. 

He should just not talk again unless absolutely necessary. And with that silent promise, he buried his face in his arms again.

It was only when the cop began talking about cars and report that TK made any move to respond. He’d love to actually report the guy but seeing as he had no intention of ever coming back there again, he really didn’t want to be involved in that mess.

“It’s fine” he mumbled, gathering his phone and shrugging into his jacket “don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Trust me I know those types. He may not do anything overtly, but he’d know it was you who made that report and he’d try to make your life hell”

The cold air hit him as they got out of the precinct and he rubbed his arms, feeling his muscles ache. Damn, he was going to be so freaking sore the next day.

“And badge or not” TK quickly observed “most people do end up hurting others. Maybe it is the way of the world, but if people are not careful, they will end up hurt beyond measure”

He had no fucking idea why he was blabbering to him like a talkative kid and had to forcibly bite his lips from saying anything anymore. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could just forget this day.

If only forgetting everything else would be that easy.

He knew that being in pain, whatever type made it hard to be open with others, and he’d done his own silent sulking in his life. Times when he was so upset and so distressed that he couldn’t help but pull in, and block everyone out.

Those were times he desperately wished for someone, anyone to reach out to him, and maybe this was him projecting, maybe he was putting his own pain on TK, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave him to wonder in the darkness alone.

So, he let the words wash over him and pushed past the sharp sting of them. TK wasn’t going to make this friendship easy, but Carlos was a firm believer in anything worth fighting for, was worth waiting for. So he could wait. And be supportive at the same time.

“Your worry is appreciated,” Carlos responded and he was being honest, he did appreciate his worry. “But I promise, people who have those ideas aren’t usually telling Police Officers about them.” He grinned a little teasing.

“I promise I’m careful with my offers, but you don’t need to worry TK, I’m careful. You just don’t seem like the serial killer type.” He shuffled the files as he set them to the side, and didn’t bother to hide his smile this time.

He could tell that TK was having a hard time understanding Carlos’ methodology, but Carlos’ path had showed results. Most of his violators weren’t repeat offenders and offering resources instead of apathy made people feel better and more willing to get help.

“Honestly, it depends. Usually anywhere from 7 to 30 at least.” He shrugged, “but I don’t process them all.”

Sometimes Carlos just worked the crowds at scenes and things like that, so he didn’t have that many outside calls. Other days, it felt relentless.

“Honestly though, no one usually asks these type of questions.” And then he winced, because it was a little too telling. No one asked Carlos if he was alright.

Not even Javier. Who came home from work with stories of life threatening surgeries or frustrating patients. His heroic tales always interested Carlos, and he got sidetracked. Usually Carlos didn’t even realize he hadn’t shared any details until after was home and tucked into bed.

Then he realized he felt a little … lonely.

He darted his gaze away from TK and clamped the thought. This wasn’t about Carlos, this was about TK. And TK needed him to be strong and supportive, not whatever the heck he was being.

“Please don’t worry about my job,” Carlos said, blinking in shock at his worry. “I promise it’ll be okay, honestly Officer Marston and I have our own issues anyways.” He shrugged because TK didn’t need that story either.

They fell in silence as they walked out the doors and Carlos steered them towards the parking lot, where his baby was parked in a nice spot. “Sorry it’s a hike,” he said because sometimes people complained about the long walk. “Officer Ramirez is known for door dings, so I have to park away from him.”

Carlos glanced at TK and frowned, “I’m no stranger to being hurt TK, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help others either.” He offered TK a soft smile. “Like you, you wouldn’t be a firefighter if didn’t like to save people, right?” He asked.

He resolve of maintaining all distance, of putting up a cold front slowly melted away and he found himself chuckling at the man’s words. “I didn’t know serial killer type was a thing. Now I am curious. What exactly is the standard description of these people?” Teasing him back came easier than TK had expected, hell even talking with him was easy and for the life him he couldn’t understand why.

Many saw him as being an open book, but TK held some chapters incredibly close to him that what most people thought was the whole picture was only part of it. But the urge to loosen his hold a little, let the man get a glimpse of them was strong and it took a lot to taper that desire down.

“Yeah I know what you mean. Somedays are incredibly slow and others are filled with so many calls, it feels absolutely never-ending. Did you hear about the crazy corn-silo rescue we had to do the other day? It was bonkers!” 

A part of his brain was urging him to just shut up and not engage too much but another part of him couldn’t help but be charmed by the open warmth Officer Reyes radiated. And TK wanted to bask in it, even for a night.

His eyes widened slightly at that admission, but TK wasn’t exactly surprised. He had seen enough of selfish people to understand that while people were expert and enthusiastic in taking and working their charm when it benefitted them, they were incredibly miserly in giving anything back. He shouldn’t get involved yet TK couldn’t help murmur a quiet “Guess I’ll know now what to use your number for” as they left the precinct.

He turned to study the man as he spoke and couldn’t help but huff out a little laugh “Right..and yet there you were going above and beyond your duty to make sure I was okay. You’re a great officer Carlos, with a good heart- something I know isn’t exactly common in your profession and I seriously wouldn’t want to make this place harder for you to work in with complaints like that.” 

He hadn’t liked the man at all and as they moved towards the parking lot, TK lightly bit his lips, turning towards Carlos, his eyes shinning with a some mischief as he asked- “Is there any punishment for flipping off an officer? Because I resisted doing it to him today but I’ll like to know if that option is available in the future”

Waving off the apology as unnecessary, the pair made their way across the lot, the walk successful to pulling TK away from the heavy gloom that had descended on him that night. He knew he’d have to face the music the next day, for just for tonight, he let himself relax and not think too much of things.

He wasn’t surprised on hearing his desire to give and TK respected that, but he really didn’t want to see him hurt as TK himself had been. That the possibility was existence felt so bleak, he’d choose nothingness over it. “I do want to save people” he haltingly began “But I also have a whole set of armor and PPEs when I walk into that fire. And as much as everyone in the team wants to have 100% success stories every time, we also know when we have to pull back.” He steadily gazed at the officer, the meaning evident although TK didn’t feel comfortable stating that thought outright. Protect yourself fully and know when to pull away, he wanted to chastise but seeing as the man was still a stranger, he didn’t want to cross any lines.

“What?” He said arching an eyebrow and keeping his tone light and playful, “Have you never watched a crime show? It’s 2021 man.” He shook his head a little and then leaned forward on his elbow. It was nice to see a real smile spread over TK’s face, and he wasn’t sure what he said … but he was glad TK was opening up to him.

It was almost too easy to connect with him. And a little scary if Carlos was being honest. He had never felt so seen before.

“Oh yeah, was that your crew? I heard a couple people got dragged in, and had to be cut out with a saw.” He shook his head. “It happens more than you would think, I’m sure you will get plenty more of those calls. Were you also at the call where a man got stuck in a drain pipe because he went after his dog?” Carlos added, “He was so upset because he was sure his dog was in there, but when the crew got inside all they found was a possum. Apparently his dog was found at a nearby park chasing squirrels.”

It was an interesting story to say the least, but mostly because Carlos could relate to the owner. Pets were family, and Carlos had done his own crazy stunts to save animals. Like the time he crossed a frozen lake to save someone’s cat.

Carlos chuckled at the thought and smiled at TK widely. “I’m sure you had some wild rescues in New York, tell me is there a big difference between the types of accidents you’ve seen?” He knew TK hadn’t been in town long, but he could probably make an educated guess.

“hmmm?” Carlos asked, “What did you say?” He hadn’t caught every word that TK was saying but he thought he heard something about his phone number.

As they walked, the tension that he had seen on TK inside the station seemed to melt away, and he was happy to witness it. He thought about what he would say to Michelle later this evening, when she stopped by his place. He pretended he would tell her how he befriended one of the Firefighters, but thought better of it. He promised TK nothing would spread on his behalf and he meant it.

Still, the progress they had made warmed his heart, and he truly did hope that they could be friends. He wanted to know everything there was to know about TK.

“Thank you I try to keep basic human rights in mind when I’m working and -” he stopped mid step and snapped his gazed back to TK. “Did you just -” He paused floundering for a moment in confusion and the sudden heat in his cheeks. There was something about the way that TK said his name that made his cheeks hot. And he wasn’t sure how he even knew it.

He didn’t want to ruin the tentative truce they had, but he couldn’t help but tease TK. “Have you been asking about me?” He grinned. “Are you going to be filing a complaint? Should I be worried.” He was merely joking, but his curiosity was piqued. He wanted to know how TK knew of him.

The grin on his face was wide, as they resumed walking. “I wouldn’t suggest it, but technically not.” Carlos laughed. “You could probably get away with cussing him out too, just keep your hands to yourself and you should be fine.”

Carlos looked up at sky and noticed how bright the moon looked, the clouds were clear and he found the idea of driving TK home and getting a chance to talk to him more exciting. He loved meeting new people, and especially people he had made a connection with. Even if TK seemed like he hadn’t decided if he liked Carlos at all. Then again… he knew his name… so that had to count for something.

It felt nice to talk about his calls with someone who wasn’t really involved and could call him the coach’s son but who also understood how different their jobs were to the regular 9/5 people. 

“Yeah, that was Marjan and me. We got pulled in too. It was crazy! Who knew corn could be so heavy” He answered, still remembering the absolute panic at seeing Marjan sink down, the moment he unclipped from his harness to save her, only to fall himself. Judd might think and say whatever he liked, but TK simply couldn’t stand back and what someone get hurt right in front of him.

He remembered the call Carlos was talking about, especially because his dad had been about to bench him for being distracted. He had forgotten to unmute all social media and gotten a notification with Alex kissing Mitchell in Venice, a place where TK had always wanted to go. It had burnt him deeply and without a second thought, he had deactivated all his socials.

He had been on the call, but had hardly participated and couldn’t even join in the team silently laughing at the whole thing, even when Mateo had cuddled the possum to take a selfie

The memory now dragged some of the numbness back in him and he fought hard from it reflecting in his voice “Oh yeahh, that was crazy. He could have been seriously injured My team had fun taking pictures though” but didn’t offer anything else.

Was this how it would always be? TK had his own fair share of breakups, but a breakup with a cheating ex mixed with a proposal and topped off with an overdose sent him spinning in his head every single day.

He tried to be more present in the conversation going on so as to not come off as a jerk to one of the few people who had shown him kindness that night. “Yeah some. New York is a different brand of crazy. I once saved the window washer from the 40th floor of the Chrysler building” And then he had spoken to his dad just before about wanting to propose to Alex.

Shame and pain flooded his body and TK got quieter as they walked. He really didn’t know how he could move on and just purge everything away and forget it. Lost in things he’d rather forget, he almost missed the officer’s reply and turned towards him with the intention of asking him to repeat with the sight of him blushing lightly caught his eye.

TK blinked, his broken heart apparently still capable of being charmed and thought back to just what he could have said to elicit that reaction. All he did was to observe that Carlos was a…Oh..OH

OH DAMN!

He cleared his throat mentally freaking out a little, and hoped the man would overlook that. But apparently, Carlos Reyes…he tested the name in his head and quickly felt like a creep for doing so, but apparently Officer Reyes had no problem calling him out. 

“Austin is a small town Carlos” TK began tilting his head to study him “And apparently people love to talk. Should you be worried? Well yeah absolutely” And with a wink, he continued walking on.

Before soundly cursing himself. Did he just wink at the man? Just minutes after feeling wrecked at the way his life had gone down in NYC? That itelf was good indication that he had no proper control over his emotions and he felt too much, too soon or nothing at all.

Thankfully they began talking of other things and he nodded along listening intently. There was something so warm and nice about the sound of his voice that it helped him relax marginally again. “Well that’s good to know. I’m sure I’ll soon pick up more swear words to add to my growing collection” He lightly joked, unwilling to admit that he had picked up some pretty filthy vocabulary since he was young. Being around sleep-deprived, starved firefighters had its own merits.

He stopped for a moment, absolutely surprised at the cop’s words. He had suave spunk, TK would give him that and it also soothed a part of him that had since been smarting from Alex’s cheating and rejection. 

There were so many silent innuendos TK could make of that statement, but decided to hold them shut for now. TK hadn’t really considered having friends in the city, but now that Carlos mentioned it, the idea sure was enticing. Plus, it would be a clean slate beginning where he’d know nothing of New York or TK’s overdose and addiction to substances and he could the cool version in front of him. He liked the thought, he’d like it even more if some benefits were added but he’d hold that thought for now.

“Bring friends with me will also involve getting dragged to various eateries all over town, gushing over Harry Styles and random midnight texts because our schedules are a total mess” TK joked with a nonchalant shrug. He wouldn’t put too much thought into it. When it came to him, people always left and he’d give Carlos a solid two weeks before the pull away excuses would come. It was better to not get involved or attached, both axioms TK now lived by. 

He hadn’t expected Carlos to drive a sports car, but then again he hadn’t expected anything at all frankly. But in a way, TK felt it fit his personality. “Manual transmissions are over-rated anyways and the only way you will convince me about the speed is by demonstrating it” he challenged back, lightly running his hands over the cool metal. 

At the mention of the name, TK couldn’t help but laugh, patting the hood “It isn’t lame at all. Don’t tell anyone, but my dad names stuff too. He has a favourite blender called Marlon. Makes the best Peanut Butter Banana smoothie ever!” He wasn’t surprised that the name was male instead of the usual female names, already aware that Carlos was gay. Gossip could sometimes be really useful like that.  

He waited for Carlos to unlock the car before opening the door. “It may not seen like a ‘you’ car but Hughes and you have things in common- a gorgeous exterior and a warm interior. Rest everything else is secondary” With a light teasing grin, TK smoothly slid in and pull up the seatbelt.

He bounced his fingers on the desk while he thought about it. “You know I have done my fair share of chases, but luckily for me, there hasn’t been many full on brawls.” He admitted. His eyes ranked over TK’s face and he couldn’t help but wonder if he was calling him attractive, then again he had no idea if TK was even interested in men. So he was probably reading into things. And even if he was attracted to men, there was no way TK thought *he* was the attractive one. Not when he looked like he was sculpted from clay.

“We’re a little boring at the end of shifts, but don’t worry, the fun is never ending.”

Unconsciously Carlos leaned forward and his eyebrows raised. “Wow, that sounds intense. Did you or Marjan get hurt?” He asked running his gaze down TK’s body and back up to his face. He guessed he wouldn’t know what was from the corn or from the two men TK decided to fight.

“I’m actually friends with Grace Ryder,” Carlos told him, “She works in dispatch. Have you met her yet?” He twisted in chair, and smirked. “She had the best stories. And it’s interesting to hear her take on things.” Grace was amazing and a Carlos envied the way she handled things.

Carlos felt saddened as TK’s face twitched, there was a story there but one he didn’t feel comfortable sharing. Carlos wanted to press, but he wasn’t sure it was his place just yet. TK seemed like a calm - and Carlos was looking forward to getting to see the pearl inside of him.

“Yeah, did you take a picture with the possum? I hope they were taken by animal control. Or re-released.” He said. Then realizing how strange that sounded he quickly jumped to explain. “I grew up on a farm, so we had a ton of little critters that came by. And coyotes. But they usually didn’t attack our chickens because I’d leave food out for them.”

A precaution after his uncle shot one and made Carlos cry for a week straight. His father had told him that it was the circle of life, but Carlos didn’t understand why they killed it. The coyote was hungry, all it wanted was food. Why should it die for that?

Just another example of Carlos being too soft. The thought alone made Carlos wince. He wondered if that’s what TK thought of him too. He wouldn’t be the first, even Javier hinted as much. Although he had never said it aloud. So Carlos liked to pretend that he was reading to far into things, because at least then he didn’t have to make peace with it.

Their conversation lapsed for a moment and again Carlos was struck with wanting to know what the other man was thinking. Especially knowing about his name. Maybe it came from Grace or Michelle? He wasn’t sure. He thought the Paramedics and Firefighters didn’t really chat that often, but Michelle was known to cross invisible lines.

Carlos barked another laugh at TK’s words and rolled his eyes. He almost believed he was flirting with him, but logic came back and told him he wasn’t. So he didn’t say anything about it to TK. “At least tell me you asked impartial people and not anyone who will give you false information. Because I’ll have you know I’m not the reckless idiot that the shop keeper thinks I am. Just because I walked into the store with no safety vest and no gun doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. I was off shift, and the place was being robbed. I would never normally do that.”

He was damn lucky the assailant was just a scared kid that wanted drugs, and not a madman who wanted to hurt people.

“Yeah? Maybe you should try cussing him out in a foreign language. He’d probably be confused and annoyed.” Carlos grinned, “but you didn’t hear that from me.”

There was something to be said about giving this type of advice as a cop, but Carlos didn’t mind. It wasn’t like Marston didn’t deserve it.

He couldn’t help but notice that TK seemed to teeter back and forth between a good mood and a bad one and he wondered if there was anything he could say to make him feel better.

“Well, I’m all for the eateries, not sure about Harry Styles we’ll have to come back to that, and I’m up for midnight texts. My shift schedule is a nightmare, I’m sure yours is too.” Carlos thought about how lonely it was at times, when he was home from work at 3 in the morning and pumped, and there was no one around.

Honestly having TK for a friend sounded amazing, and Carlos was beaming just thinking about it. He couldn’t wait to show him the different spots in town, and maybe TK liked hiking or morning runs. The possibilities were endless.

Especially once TK began gushing about his car. No one did that with Carlos, not even the colleagues he knew had sport cars. Most of them steered clear of him in fear of catching “the gay” and he didn’t feel like he was missing out.

“Yeah? You don’t think it ruins the car?” He asked because he’d heard that several times in his life. “My baby drives like a dream.” Carlos continued running his palms over the line on the door. “And I love his little shark gills.” He grinned pointing to the body of the car.

There was so much he loved about his car and he couldn’t help but let that leak into his every word. “Seriously, I’ll take you on a drive sometime, near my families ranch is all private property so no speed laws.”

His smile widened as TK told him about his dad’s blender and his favorite smoothies. “Really, that’s an interesting name. I don’t name everything, but my car is super important to me. So I wonder… how important is that blender.” He laughed. Returning TK’s smile. “Must be impressive if it makes your favorite smoothies.”

Carlos didn’t like to brag but he was usually pretty good at putting clues together, and everything was pointing to TK being gay, or at least interested in men. Mostly because straight men weren’t usually comfortable calling Carlos attractive. Especially when they knew he was gay.

Although, Carlos knew better than to make assumptions. So maybe it was his turn to ask around about TK, and see what he could find out.

At the end of the day it didn’t matter if TK liked men or not, because he taken, and TK didn’t actually seem interested, so there was no reason to mention Javier. And if TK turned out to be a good friend he could always introduce them later, and see how he reacted to his boyfriend.

That usually was a quick way to figure out if someone was okay with his sexuality.

“Just wait until I start him up,” he said sliding in next to TK, “the engine practically purrs. It’s has a 6.2-liter V-8 engine, and goes from 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds.” He boasted.

Which worked fabulously considering he wasn’t a fan of Judd at all.

“I got yelled at for attempting to go after Marjan” TK couldn’t help but grumble, not sure why he decided to talk to Carlos, someone he had started speaking to just half hour ago, but words seemed to fly. “Judd was pissed and called me the coach’s son. Doesn’t know where he comes off with that red neck swagger. Like firefighting in Manhattan was a cushy gig.” 

His jaws tightened in anger both on repeating those words and also at the fact that he was repeating them to an almost stranger. Maybe the fight that day had knocked off a few of his filters, because it seemed rare for TK to be this willing to share personal stuff.

As Carlos started talking about Grace Ryder, TK couldn’t help but shake his head “My dad knows her better but I’ve heard enough to wonder why someone like her would ultimately pick Judd. That man...pisses me off” Not wanting to go into another rant, TK decided to leave it at that.

Thankfully the topic shifted to animals and TK was glad for that change. With a chuckle, he picked up his phone and showed him pictures that the 126 had taken. He was in some, with an incredible scowl on his face so much so that even the animal looked terrified to be near him. Swiping left, a selfie popped up- one he had taken after he had dressed up to go to the restaurant, his grin easy and light, his eyes bright in anticipation of asking Alex to marry him that night. That memory, this image churned TK’s stomach, making bile rise up his throat and without a second thought, he deleted the picture and pocked his phone.

That man with those bright happy hopes had died that night and this version of him was nothing but a man filled with numbness who say grey everywhere.

Wanting to push the thoughts away, he tried to engage in the conversation that was happening, asking a quiet “Weren’t you afraid of the coyotes?”

He couldn’t comprehend the man in front of him who willing left food for the animals. But that information, combined with the way Carlos had treated him so far was enough to let him know that he was safe for TK to be around- not that TK did intend to hover in his company. He already recognised his crush and he certainly didn’t want it to develop into something more.

It just seemed easier to talk to him, and he had smiled more genuinely in the past half hour more than he ever had in the weeks since their move. 

“The point of cussing” he continued, not wanting to be lost too much in his head “is so that the other person understands you want to call them horseshit. What’s the fun in a foreign language. But” he wiggled his eyebrows “I won’t be opposed to learning some in Spanish. Tell me you know really good ones!”

The night could have gone in a different way, with TK even more unhappy and angry getting home. But now, atleast while he was here, he felt something and he was exhausted enough to not have the energy to push it all away. Especially if it meant he’d have a new friend in Austin

“Oh come on!” TK wasn't one to let anyone brush off Harry Styles at easily. “Don’t tell me his cooing and those lyrics doesn’t do anything to you. What do you jam to in general? And I hope you know what you’re getting into with 3am texts. Take-backs aren’t allowed”

Not that TK really intended on following through with his words and ever texting the man, but the idea was enticing enough that he allowed himself to pretend even for a moment.

He paused a moment at Carlos’ question and turned to look at him, a serious glint flickering in his eyes when he asked him about the name “You really shouldn’t give stock to other people’s thoughts. You named him a cool name, and it made you happy and you did it from a place that felt..you. Why give a damn what anyone else thinks?” His voice lowered as his fingers traced mindless patterns on the car. “There is enough sadness in the world, don’t need other people’s opinions to weigh us down even more”

It didn’t feel awkward at all, sitting besides him- a stranger and a cop who had processed him. If anything, it felt..comfortable. And that wasn’t an emotion TK was used to in Austin. He rested his head on the seat and turned to look at Carlos as he spoke, his features even more attractive now with the added excitement of cars. 

“Yeah I’d like that drive, actually say what your baby is capable of” Logically he knew that would never manifest and this whole thing was only Carlos being a good cop and doing his duty. It could be one of those polite things people said but never followed through so TK held himself back from trusting his words.

A week in, and TK knew he’d probably be a distant memory and internally vowed to never seek the man out to avoid the whole ‘I think I know you from somewhere’ situation. 

“My dad considers random things as priceless but it’s his life and opinion and happiness so “ TK shrugged not wanting to open the can of just how complicated that relationship was. 

Instead to grinned at Carlos’ words, lightly patting the dashboard “I like the sound of that. Ready when you are” He gave him the street address and momentarily shut his eyes. He’ll probably have to break into his own house to avoid any questions from his dad. Normally, coming in a car with a man would have allowed TK to pretend he was out having fun, but seeing as his bruises were evident and Carlos was someone they’d probably run into again on scenes, it would be smart to avoid that white lie.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

“Sometimes,” Carlos began while TK buried his head in his own arms, “sometimes we deserve more than people give us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.” He didn’t know why but he reached out and placed a comforting hand on TK’s shoulders. “And it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, even if you feel raw and exposed right now.”

Now Carlos was sure he was over stepping, TK didn’t ask for his unsolicited advice and who the hell was he to give it anyways? A concerned stranger, a cop who was processing him.

Carlos pulled his hand away and tapped in on the desk, he could tell by the way TK was hunched that he needed a moment so he didn’t press. He just let him gather his thoughts. Sometimes people needed that, and Carlos could be patient.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled slightly, assuming it was his boyfriend sending him yet another meme. Probably one he had no context clues about, but one that would make him smile anyways.

His trailed to TK and he wondered if he understood memes? If he showed TK his messages would he be able to tell him the cultural significance of Kermit the frog and his shadow self?

He shook his head and dropped his gaze back down to TK as he responded to his comments on New York City.

“You’re in Texas TK, BBQ and ribs for one.” He grinned, “but personally I think we have some of the best street tacos around. There is this little shop I visit often, you should try it. Although I should warn you, the heat is authentic, so be prepared for an elevated form of spice.” He grinned.

He remembered Michelle choking on the spice and his carefully supply of milk products until she could breath again.

“Alright, but the offer still stands. If you ever need me, I’ll be here.” He said. He grabbed a sticky note and wrote down his phone number and call sign.

“Take this if you ever to reach me.”

Then he went back to sorting through TK’s file. He clicked a couple more things and watched a file pop up on his screen. A little warning that TK’s record had a serious update and Carlos clicked into the file to add in the details if it was necessary.

He half expected it to be another fight. Maybe TK was into those underground MMA fights. But what popped in his screen made his stomach turn. TK wouldn’t be the first person he’d encounter with an issue with substances, but he was the first one that made Carlos’ heart stop in his chest.

It said he’d been dead for 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes. Carlos clicked out of the screen, and marked it as unimportant to the case. His eyes strayed to TK with an understanding of some of the things he’d gone through.

The struggle and strength it took to beat addictions was nothing to scoff at, and Carlos was impressed by his inner strength.

It brought this entire interaction into a new light and Carlos longed to ask if TK understood how strong he was, how brave he was, to fighting this battle at all.

But it wasn’t his place and TK hadn’t given that information freely, so he locked it behind his teeth and focused on his job.

It was easier said than done.

Especially with Officer Marston’s sneered words. If there was anyone in the Precinct that Carlos didn’t need like, it was him. He tended to be gruff around the edges and he hated that Carlos had higher marks in fire arms and better community relations.

“Good, if you would feel better we can take my patrol car.” He suggested, “otherwise my personal car works.” It was up to TK, but he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to use his patrol car. “Then again if you are trying to be discreet, my personal car won’t have a flashing red siren.” He suggested.

His eyes trailed over TK’s form as he shook his anger and he narrowed his eyes at his words. “He did what?!” He snapped harsher than he meant too. It wasn’t the first time he had thought ill of Officer Marston, but it was the first time he felt like he had an actual reason to feel that way.

“I can make a report,” he offered quickly, “and file it against him. He shouldn’t be using his badge to get away with hurting people.”

Carlos felt a deep anger settling in stomach. He hated when people took their power trips out on people. Especially in his line of work.

“Yes, we can leave.” Carlos gathered his stuff and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform. He just hit save on TK’s file and promised he’d finish it tomorrow.

He lead TK out the door and glared at Marston as they passed. Not that the man cared. At all. His dislike for Carlos was well known.

And then cursed himself. He didn’t want to crave anything or anyone. He wanted to stomp on even the slightest inkling of desire. The taste of disappointment was extremely bitter and TK could certainly do without that reminder for the rest of his life.

He heard the officer list out the street food and nodded in all the required places. There would have been a time when TK would have smoothly wrangled an invite to get the guy to show him the place or throw an innuendo of being able to handle the heat. But now, he was pretty sure he’d neither be able to taste the taco or enjoy anything that Austin had to offer.

He didn’t really want to be in Austin in the first place. And getting back to New York was out of question. And it wasn’t for the first time that TK felt the sense of absolute displacement, of just floating in space without any meaning or purpose.

“Cool thanks for the suggestion” he mumbled in response, not wanting to come across as a rude dick but his energy absolutely exhausted, he found himself unable to even engage in any small talk.

Though the man sliding the sticky note with his number made TK raise his eyebrows. He didn’t refuse it, instead pocketing it though he was sure he’d never use it. Atleast not in the way the Officer may have meant. 

“You’re pretty brave to be giving random people who were brought to the precinct in cuffs, your number or volunteering to give them a ride home. I could be anyone.” TK observed marveling at the cop’s foolhardiness while also feeling a strange inking to shake him to face the reality and simultaneously wanting to protect him from the same. 

“I could be dangerous” he continued, his expression turning churlish “ lead you anywhere or take you hostage. Tell me you don’t make it a habit of being this nice to all the people you process!” The disbelief was rather evident in his tone, but he really didn’t think this was the normal way things worked? Or was it different in Texas? 

“Just how many calls do you receive in a day?” he couldn’t help asking, his former resolve to maintain any distance totally dissolving “Most people who walk through the doors may perhaps desire mercy or kindness, but they often don’t deserve it. And here you…” 

Shut up now! His brain supplied as he realised if unchecked he’d probably say something totally stupid…like how his eyes were so expressive, and the expression so open and warm, that for the first time in days, TK wasn’t seeing everything as grey. Instead it was all soft brown.

“You..you should be more cautious” He lamely finished, not understanding why he was turning into a filterless mother hen but feeling completely embarrassed by it nonetheless. 

He should just not talk again unless absolutely necessary. And with that silent promise, he buried his face in his arms again.

It was only when the cop began talking about cars and report that TK made any move to respond. He’d love to actually report the guy but seeing as he had no intention of ever coming back there again, he really didn’t want to be involved in that mess.

“It’s fine” he mumbled, gathering his phone and shrugging into his jacket “don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Trust me I know those types. He may not do anything overtly, but he’d know it was you who made that report and he’d try to make your life hell”

The cold air hit him as they got out of the precinct and he rubbed his arms, feeling his muscles ache. Damn, he was going to be so freaking sore the next day.

“And badge or not” TK quickly observed “most people do end up hurting others. Maybe it is the way of the world, but if people are not careful, they will end up hurt beyond measure”

He had no fucking idea why he was blabbering to him like a talkative kid and had to forcibly bite his lips from saying anything anymore. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could just forget this day.

If only forgetting everything else would be that easy.

He knew that being in pain, whatever type made it hard to be open with others, and he’d done his own silent sulking in his life. Times when he was so upset and so distressed that he couldn’t help but pull in, and block everyone out.

Those were times he desperately wished for someone, anyone to reach out to him, and maybe this was him projecting, maybe he was putting his own pain on TK, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave him to wonder in the darkness alone.

So, he let the words wash over him and pushed past the sharp sting of them. TK wasn’t going to make this friendship easy, but Carlos was a firm believer in anything worth fighting for, was worth waiting for. So he could wait. And be supportive at the same time.

“Your worry is appreciated,” Carlos responded and he was being honest, he did appreciate his worry. “But I promise, people who have those ideas aren’t usually telling Police Officers about them.” He grinned a little teasing.

“I promise I’m careful with my offers, but you don’t need to worry TK, I’m careful. You just don’t seem like the serial killer type.” He shuffled the files as he set them to the side, and didn’t bother to hide his smile this time.

He could tell that TK was having a hard time understanding Carlos’ methodology, but Carlos’ path had showed results. Most of his violators weren’t repeat offenders and offering resources instead of apathy made people feel better and more willing to get help.

“Honestly, it depends. Usually anywhere from 7 to 30 at least.” He shrugged, “but I don’t process them all.”

Sometimes Carlos just worked the crowds at scenes and things like that, so he didn’t have that many outside calls. Other days, it felt relentless.

“Honestly though, no one usually asks these type of questions.” And then he winced, because it was a little too telling. No one asked Carlos if he was alright.

Not even Javier. Who came home from work with stories of life threatening surgeries or frustrating patients. His heroic tales always interested Carlos, and he got sidetracked. Usually Carlos didn’t even realize he hadn’t shared any details until after was home and tucked into bed.

Then he realized he felt a little … lonely.

He darted his gaze away from TK and clamped the thought. This wasn’t about Carlos, this was about TK. And TK needed him to be strong and supportive, not whatever the heck he was being.

“Please don’t worry about my job,” Carlos said, blinking in shock at his worry. “I promise it’ll be okay, honestly Officer Marston and I have our own issues anyways.” He shrugged because TK didn’t need that story either.

They fell in silence as they walked out the doors and Carlos steered them towards the parking lot, where his baby was parked in a nice spot. “Sorry it’s a hike,” he said because sometimes people complained about the long walk. “Officer Ramirez is known for door dings, so I have to park away from him.”

Carlos glanced at TK and frowned, “I’m no stranger to being hurt TK, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help others either.” He offered TK a soft smile. “Like you, you wouldn’t be a firefighter if didn’t like to save people, right?” He asked.

He resolve of maintaining all distance, of putting up a cold front slowly melted away and he found himself chuckling at the man’s words. “I didn’t know serial killer type was a thing. Now I am curious. What exactly is the standard description of these people?” Teasing him back came easier than TK had expected, hell even talking with him was easy and for the life him he couldn’t understand why.

Many saw him as being an open book, but TK held some chapters incredibly close to him that what most people thought was the whole picture was only part of it. But the urge to loosen his hold a little, let the man get a glimpse of them was strong and it took a lot to taper that desire down.

“Yeah I know what you mean. Somedays are incredibly slow and others are filled with so many calls, it feels absolutely never-ending. Did you hear about the crazy corn-silo rescue we had to do the other day? It was bonkers!” 

A part of his brain was urging him to just shut up and not engage too much but another part of him couldn’t help but be charmed by the open warmth Officer Reyes radiated. And TK wanted to bask in it, even for a night.

His eyes widened slightly at that admission, but TK wasn’t exactly surprised. He had seen enough of selfish people to understand that while people were expert and enthusiastic in taking and working their charm when it benefitted them, they were incredibly miserly in giving anything back. He shouldn’t get involved yet TK couldn’t help murmur a quiet “Guess I’ll know now what to use your number for” as they left the precinct.

He turned to study the man as he spoke and couldn’t help but huff out a little laugh “Right..and yet there you were going above and beyond your duty to make sure I was okay. You’re a great officer Carlos, with a good heart- something I know isn’t exactly common in your profession and I seriously wouldn’t want to make this place harder for you to work in with complaints like that.” 

He hadn’t liked the man at all and as they moved towards the parking lot, TK lightly bit his lips, turning towards Carlos, his eyes shinning with a some mischief as he asked- “Is there any punishment for flipping off an officer? Because I resisted doing it to him today but I’ll like to know if that option is available in the future”

Waving off the apology as unnecessary, the pair made their way across the lot, the walk successful to pulling TK away from the heavy gloom that had descended on him that night. He knew he’d have to face the music the next day, for just for tonight, he let himself relax and not think too much of things.

He wasn’t surprised on hearing his desire to give and TK respected that, but he really didn’t want to see him hurt as TK himself had been. That the possibility was existence felt so bleak, he’d choose nothingness over it. “I do want to save people” he haltingly began “But I also have a whole set of armor and PPEs when I walk into that fire. And as much as everyone in the team wants to have 100% success stories every time, we also know when we have to pull back.” He steadily gazed at the officer, the meaning evident although TK didn’t feel comfortable stating that thought outright. Protect yourself fully and know when to pull away, he wanted to chastise but seeing as the man was still a stranger, he didn’t want to cross any lines.

“What?” He said arching an eyebrow and keeping his tone light and playful, “Have you never watched a crime show? It’s 2021 man.” He shook his head a little and then leaned forward on his elbow. It was nice to see a real smile spread over TK’s face, and he wasn’t sure what he said … but he was glad TK was opening up to him.

It was almost too easy to connect with him. And a little scary if Carlos was being honest. He had never felt so seen before.

“Oh yeah, was that your crew? I heard a couple people got dragged in, and had to be cut out with a saw.” He shook his head. “It happens more than you would think, I’m sure you will get plenty more of those calls. Were you also at the call where a man got stuck in a drain pipe because he went after his dog?” Carlos added, “He was so upset because he was sure his dog was in there, but when the crew got inside all they found was a possum. Apparently his dog was found at a nearby park chasing squirrels.”

It was an interesting story to say the least, but mostly because Carlos could relate to the owner. Pets were family, and Carlos had done his own crazy stunts to save animals. Like the time he crossed a frozen lake to save someone’s cat.

Carlos chuckled at the thought and smiled at TK widely. “I’m sure you had some wild rescues in New York, tell me is there a big difference between the types of accidents you’ve seen?” He knew TK hadn’t been in town long, but he could probably make an educated guess.

“hmmm?” Carlos asked, “What did you say?” He hadn’t caught every word that TK was saying but he thought he heard something about his phone number.

As they walked, the tension that he had seen on TK inside the station seemed to melt away, and he was happy to witness it. He thought about what he would say to Michelle later this evening, when she stopped by his place. He pretended he would tell her how he befriended one of the Firefighters, but thought better of it. He promised TK nothing would spread on his behalf and he meant it.

Still, the progress they had made warmed his heart, and he truly did hope that they could be friends. He wanted to know everything there was to know about TK.

“Thank you I try to keep basic human rights in mind when I’m working and -” he stopped mid step and snapped his gazed back to TK. “Did you just -” He paused floundering for a moment in confusion and the sudden heat in his cheeks. There was something about the way that TK said his name that made his cheeks hot. And he wasn’t sure how he even knew it.

He didn’t want to ruin the tentative truce they had, but he couldn’t help but tease TK. “Have you been asking about me?” He grinned. “Are you going to be filing a complaint? Should I be worried.” He was merely joking, but his curiosity was piqued. He wanted to know how TK knew of him.

The grin on his face was wide, as they resumed walking. “I wouldn’t suggest it, but technically not.” Carlos laughed. “You could probably get away with cussing him out too, just keep your hands to yourself and you should be fine.”

Carlos looked up at sky and noticed how bright the moon looked, the clouds were clear and he found the idea of driving TK home and getting a chance to talk to him more exciting. He loved meeting new people, and especially people he had made a connection with. Even if TK seemed like he hadn’t decided if he liked Carlos at all. Then again… he knew his name… so that had to count for something.

It felt nice to talk about his calls with someone who wasn’t really involved and could call him the coach’s son but who also understood how different their jobs were to the regular 9/5 people. 

“Yeah, that was Marjan and me. We got pulled in too. It was crazy! Who knew corn could be so heavy” He answered, still remembering the absolute panic at seeing Marjan sink down, the moment he unclipped from his harness to save her, only to fall himself. Judd might think and say whatever he liked, but TK simply couldn’t stand back and what someone get hurt right in front of him.

He remembered the call Carlos was talking about, especially because his dad had been about to bench him for being distracted. He had forgotten to unmute all social media and gotten a notification with Alex kissing Mitchell in Venice, a place where TK had always wanted to go. It had burnt him deeply and without a second thought, he had deactivated all his socials.

He had been on the call, but had hardly participated and couldn’t even join in the team silently laughing at the whole thing, even when Mateo had cuddled the possum to take a selfie

The memory now dragged some of the numbness back in him and he fought hard from it reflecting in his voice “Oh yeahh, that was crazy. He could have been seriously injured My team had fun taking pictures though” but didn’t offer anything else.

Was this how it would always be? TK had his own fair share of breakups, but a breakup with a cheating ex mixed with a proposal and topped off with an overdose sent him spinning in his head every single day.

He tried to be more present in the conversation going on so as to not come off as a jerk to one of the few people who had shown him kindness that night. “Yeah some. New York is a different brand of crazy. I once saved the window washer from the 40th floor of the Chrysler building” And then he had spoken to his dad just before about wanting to propose to Alex.

Shame and pain flooded his body and TK got quieter as they walked. He really didn’t know how he could move on and just purge everything away and forget it. Lost in things he’d rather forget, he almost missed the officer’s reply and turned towards him with the intention of asking him to repeat with the sight of him blushing lightly caught his eye.

TK blinked, his broken heart apparently still capable of being charmed and thought back to just what he could have said to elicit that reaction. All he did was to observe that Carlos was a...Oh..OH

OH DAMN!

He cleared his throat mentally freaking out a little, and hoped the man would overlook that. But apparently, Carlos Reyes...he tested the name in his head and quickly felt like a creep for doing so, but apparently Officer Reyes had no problem calling him out. 

“Austin is a small town Carlos” TK began tilting his head to study him “And apparently people love to talk. Should you be worried? Well yeah absolutely” And with a wink, he continued walking on.

Before soundly cursing himself. Did he just wink at the man? Just minutes after feeling wrecked at the way his life had gone down in NYC? That itelf was good indication that he had no proper control over his emotions and he felt too much, too soon or nothing at all.

Thankfully they began talking of other things and he nodded along listening intently. There was something so warm and nice about the sound of his voice that it helped him relax marginally again. “Well that’s good to know. I’m sure I’ll soon pick up more swear words to add to my growing collection” He lightly joked, unwilling to admit that he had picked up some pretty filthy vocabulary since he was young. Being around sleep-deprived, starved firefighters had its own merits.

He stopped for a moment, absolutely surprised at the cop’s words. He had suave spunk, TK would give him that and it also soothed a part of him that had since been smarting from Alex’s cheating and rejection. 

There were so many silent innuendos TK could make of that statement, but decided to hold them shut for now. TK hadn’t really considered having friends in the city, but now that Carlos mentioned it, the idea sure was enticing. Plus, it would be a clean slate beginning where he’d know nothing of New York or TK’s overdose and addiction to substances and he could the cool version in front of him. He liked the thought, he’d like it even more if some benefits were added but he’d hold that thought for now.

“Bring friends with me will also involve getting dragged to various eateries all over town, gushing over Harry Styles and random midnight texts because our schedules are a total mess” TK joked with a nonchalant shrug. He wouldn’t put too much thought into it. When it came to him, people always left and he’d give Carlos a solid two weeks before the pull away excuses would come. It was better to not get involved or attached, both axioms TK now lived by. 

He hadn’t expected Carlos to drive a sports car, but then again he hadn’t expected anything at all frankly. But in a way, TK felt it fit his personality. “Manual transmissions are over-rated anyways and the only way you will convince me about the speed is by demonstrating it” he challenged back, lightly running his hands over the cool metal. 

At the mention of the name, TK couldn’t help but laugh, patting the hood “It isn’t lame at all. Don’t tell anyone, but my dad names stuff too. He has a favourite blender called Marlon. Makes the best Peanut Butter Banana smoothie ever!” He wasn’t surprised that the name was male instead of the usual female names, already aware that Carlos was gay. Gossip could sometimes be really useful like that.  

He waited for Carlos to unlock the car before opening the door. “It may not seen like a ‘you’ car but Hughes and you have things in common- a gorgeous exterior and a warm interior. Rest everything else is secondary” With a light teasing grin, TK smoothly slid in and pull up the seatbelt.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

“Sometimes,” Carlos began while TK buried his head in his own arms, “sometimes we deserve more than people give us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.” He didn’t know why but he reached out and placed a comforting hand on TK’s shoulders. “And it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, even if you feel raw and exposed right now.”

Now Carlos was sure he was over stepping, TK didn’t ask for his unsolicited advice and who the hell was he to give it anyways? A concerned stranger, a cop who was processing him.

Carlos pulled his hand away and tapped in on the desk, he could tell by the way TK was hunched that he needed a moment so he didn’t press. He just let him gather his thoughts. Sometimes people needed that, and Carlos could be patient.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled slightly, assuming it was his boyfriend sending him yet another meme. Probably one he had no context clues about, but one that would make him smile anyways.

His trailed to TK and he wondered if he understood memes? If he showed TK his messages would he be able to tell him the cultural significance of Kermit the frog and his shadow self?

He shook his head and dropped his gaze back down to TK as he responded to his comments on New York City.

“You’re in Texas TK, BBQ and ribs for one.” He grinned, “but personally I think we have some of the best street tacos around. There is this little shop I visit often, you should try it. Although I should warn you, the heat is authentic, so be prepared for an elevated form of spice.” He grinned.

He remembered Michelle choking on the spice and his carefully supply of milk products until she could breath again.

“Alright, but the offer still stands. If you ever need me, I’ll be here.” He said. He grabbed a sticky note and wrote down his phone number and call sign.

“Take this if you ever to reach me.”

Then he went back to sorting through TK’s file. He clicked a couple more things and watched a file pop up on his screen. A little warning that TK’s record had a serious update and Carlos clicked into the file to add in the details if it was necessary.

He half expected it to be another fight. Maybe TK was into those underground MMA fights. But what popped in his screen made his stomach turn. TK wouldn’t be the first person he’d encounter with an issue with substances, but he was the first one that made Carlos’ heart stop in his chest.

It said he’d been dead for 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes. Carlos clicked out of the screen, and marked it as unimportant to the case. His eyes strayed to TK with an understanding of some of the things he’d gone through.

The struggle and strength it took to beat addictions was nothing to scoff at, and Carlos was impressed by his inner strength.

It brought this entire interaction into a new light and Carlos longed to ask if TK understood how strong he was, how brave he was, to fighting this battle at all.

But it wasn’t his place and TK hadn’t given that information freely, so he locked it behind his teeth and focused on his job.

It was easier said than done.

Especially with Officer Marston’s sneered words. If there was anyone in the Precinct that Carlos didn’t need like, it was him. He tended to be gruff around the edges and he hated that Carlos had higher marks in fire arms and better community relations.

“Good, if you would feel better we can take my patrol car.” He suggested, “otherwise my personal car works.” It was up to TK, but he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to use his patrol car. “Then again if you are trying to be discreet, my personal car won’t have a flashing red siren.” He suggested.

His eyes trailed over TK’s form as he shook his anger and he narrowed his eyes at his words. “He did what?!” He snapped harsher than he meant too. It wasn’t the first time he had thought ill of Officer Marston, but it was the first time he felt like he had an actual reason to feel that way.

“I can make a report,” he offered quickly, “and file it against him. He shouldn’t be using his badge to get away with hurting people.”

Carlos felt a deep anger settling in stomach. He hated when people took their power trips out on people. Especially in his line of work.

“Yes, we can leave.” Carlos gathered his stuff and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform. He just hit save on TK’s file and promised he’d finish it tomorrow.

He lead TK out the door and glared at Marston as they passed. Not that the man cared. At all. His dislike for Carlos was well known.

And then cursed himself. He didn’t want to crave anything or anyone. He wanted to stomp on even the slightest inkling of desire. The taste of disappointment was extremely bitter and TK could certainly do without that reminder for the rest of his life.

He heard the officer list out the street food and nodded in all the required places. There would have been a time when TK would have smoothly wrangled an invite to get the guy to show him the place or throw an innuendo of being able to handle the heat. But now, he was pretty sure he’d neither be able to taste the taco or enjoy anything that Austin had to offer.

He didn’t really want to be in Austin in the first place. And getting back to New York was out of question. And it wasn’t for the first time that TK felt the sense of absolute displacement, of just floating in space without any meaning or purpose.

“Cool thanks for the suggestion” he mumbled in response, not wanting to come across as a rude dick but his energy absolutely exhausted, he found himself unable to even engage in any small talk.

Though the man sliding the sticky note with his number made TK raise his eyebrows. He didn’t refuse it, instead pocketing it though he was sure he’d never use it. Atleast not in the way the Officer may have meant. 

“You’re pretty brave to be giving random people who were brought to the precinct in cuffs, your number or volunteering to give them a ride home. I could be anyone.” TK observed marveling at the cop’s foolhardiness while also feeling a strange inking to shake him to face the reality and simultaneously wanting to protect him from the same. 

“I could be dangerous” he continued, his expression turning churlish “ lead you anywhere or take you hostage. Tell me you don’t make it a habit of being this nice to all the people you process!” The disbelief was rather evident in his tone, but he really didn’t think this was the normal way things worked? Or was it different in Texas? 

“Just how many calls do you receive in a day?” he couldn’t help asking, his former resolve to maintain any distance totally dissolving “Most people who walk through the doors may perhaps desire mercy or kindness, but they often don’t deserve it. And here you…” 

Shut up now! His brain supplied as he realised if unchecked he’d probably say something totally stupid…like how his eyes were so expressive, and the expression so open and warm, that for the first time in days, TK wasn’t seeing everything as grey. Instead it was all soft brown.

“You..you should be more cautious” He lamely finished, not understanding why he was turning into a filterless mother hen but feeling completely embarrassed by it nonetheless. 

He should just not talk again unless absolutely necessary. And with that silent promise, he buried his face in his arms again.

It was only when the cop began talking about cars and report that TK made any move to respond. He’d love to actually report the guy but seeing as he had no intention of ever coming back there again, he really didn’t want to be involved in that mess.

“It’s fine” he mumbled, gathering his phone and shrugging into his jacket “don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Trust me I know those types. He may not do anything overtly, but he’d know it was you who made that report and he’d try to make your life hell”

The cold air hit him as they got out of the precinct and he rubbed his arms, feeling his muscles ache. Damn, he was going to be so freaking sore the next day.

“And badge or not” TK quickly observed “most people do end up hurting others. Maybe it is the way of the world, but if people are not careful, they will end up hurt beyond measure”

He had no fucking idea why he was blabbering to him like a talkative kid and had to forcibly bite his lips from saying anything anymore. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could just forget this day.

If only forgetting everything else would be that easy.

He knew that being in pain, whatever type made it hard to be open with others, and he’d done his own silent sulking in his life. Times when he was so upset and so distressed that he couldn’t help but pull in, and block everyone out.

Those were times he desperately wished for someone, anyone to reach out to him, and maybe this was him projecting, maybe he was putting his own pain on TK, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, leave him to wonder in the darkness alone.

So, he let the words wash over him and pushed past the sharp sting of them. TK wasn’t going to make this friendship easy, but Carlos was a firm believer in anything worth fighting for, was worth waiting for. So he could wait. And be supportive at the same time.

“Your worry is appreciated,” Carlos responded and he was being honest, he did appreciate his worry. “But I promise, people who have those ideas aren’t usually telling Police Officers about them.” He grinned a little teasing.

“I promise I’m careful with my offers, but you don’t need to worry TK, I’m careful. You just don’t seem like the serial killer type.” He shuffled the files as he set them to the side, and didn’t bother to hide his smile this time.

He could tell that TK was having a hard time understanding Carlos’ methodology, but Carlos’ path had showed results. Most of his violators weren’t repeat offenders and offering resources instead of apathy made people feel better and more willing to get help.

“Honestly, it depends. Usually anywhere from 7 to 30 at least.” He shrugged, “but I don’t process them all.”

Sometimes Carlos just worked the crowds at scenes and things like that, so he didn’t have that many outside calls. Other days, it felt relentless.

“Honestly though, no one usually asks these type of questions.” And then he winced, because it was a little too telling. No one asked Carlos if he was alright.

Not even Javier. Who came home from work with stories of life threatening surgeries or frustrating patients. His heroic tales always interested Carlos, and he got sidetracked. Usually Carlos didn’t even realize he hadn’t shared any details until after was home and tucked into bed.

Then he realized he felt a little … lonely.

He darted his gaze away from TK and clamped the thought. This wasn’t about Carlos, this was about TK. And TK needed him to be strong and supportive, not whatever the heck he was being.

“Please don’t worry about my job,” Carlos said, blinking in shock at his worry. “I promise it’ll be okay, honestly Officer Marston and I have our own issues anyways.” He shrugged because TK didn’t need that story either.

They fell in silence as they walked out the doors and Carlos steered them towards the parking lot, where his baby was parked in a nice spot. “Sorry it’s a hike,” he said because sometimes people complained about the long walk. “Officer Ramirez is known for door dings, so I have to park away from him.”

Carlos glanced at TK and frowned, “I’m no stranger to being hurt TK, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to help others either.” He offered TK a soft smile. “Like you, you wouldn’t be a firefighter if didn’t like to save people, right?” He asked.

He resolve of maintaining all distance, of putting up a cold front slowly melted away and he found himself chuckling at the man’s words. “I didn’t know serial killer type was a thing. Now I am curious. What exactly is the standard description of these people?” Teasing him back came easier than TK had expected, hell even talking with him was easy and for the life him he couldn’t understand why.

Many saw him as being an open book, but TK held some chapters incredibly close to him that what most people thought was the whole picture was only part of it. But the urge to loosen his hold a little, let the man get a glimpse of them was strong and it took a lot to taper that desire down.

“Yeah I know what you mean. Somedays are incredibly slow and others are filled with so many calls, it feels absolutely never-ending. Did you hear about the crazy corn-silo rescue we had to do the other day? It was bonkers!” 

A part of his brain was urging him to just shut up and not engage too much but another part of him couldn’t help but be charmed by the open warmth Officer Reyes radiated. And TK wanted to bask in it, even for a night.

His eyes widened slightly at that admission, but TK wasn’t exactly surprised. He had seen enough of selfish people to understand that while people were expert and enthusiastic in taking and working their charm when it benefitted them, they were incredibly miserly in giving anything back. He shouldn’t get involved yet TK couldn’t help murmur a quiet “Guess I’ll know now what to use your number for” as they left the precinct.

He turned to study the man as he spoke and couldn’t help but huff out a little laugh “Right..and yet there you were going above and beyond your duty to make sure I was okay. You’re a great officer Carlos, with a good heart- something I know isn’t exactly common in your profession and I seriously wouldn’t want to make this place harder for you to work in with complaints like that.” 

He hadn’t liked the man at all and as they moved towards the parking lot, TK lightly bit his lips, turning towards Carlos, his eyes shinning with a some mischief as he asked- “Is there any punishment for flipping off an officer? Because I resisted doing it to him today but I’ll like to know if that option is available in the future”

Waving off the apology as unnecessary, the pair made their way across the lot, the walk successful to pulling TK away from the heavy gloom that had descended on him that night. He knew he’d have to face the music the next day, for just for tonight, he let himself relax and not think too much of things.

He wasn’t surprised on hearing his desire to give and TK respected that, but he really didn’t want to see him hurt as TK himself had been. That the possibility was existence felt so bleak, he’d choose nothingness over it. “I do want to save people” he haltingly began “But I also have a whole set of armor and PPEs when I walk into that fire. And as much as everyone in the team wants to have 100% success stories every time, we also know when we have to pull back.” He steadily gazed at the officer, the meaning evident although TK didn’t feel comfortable stating that thought outright. Protect yourself fully and know when to pull away, he wanted to chastise but seeing as the man was still a stranger, he didn’t want to cross any lines.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

“Sometimes,” Carlos began while TK buried his head in his own arms, “sometimes we deserve more than people give us, but that doesn’t mean we should stop trying.” He didn’t know why but he reached out and placed a comforting hand on TK’s shoulders. “And it’s okay to take the time you need to heal, even if you feel raw and exposed right now.”

Now Carlos was sure he was over stepping, TK didn’t ask for his unsolicited advice and who the hell was he to give it anyways? A concerned stranger, a cop who was processing him.

Carlos pulled his hand away and tapped in on the desk, he could tell by the way TK was hunched that he needed a moment so he didn’t press. He just let him gather his thoughts. Sometimes people needed that, and Carlos could be patient.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he smiled slightly, assuming it was his boyfriend sending him yet another meme. Probably one he had no context clues about, but one that would make him smile anyways.

His trailed to TK and he wondered if he understood memes? If he showed TK his messages would he be able to tell him the cultural significance of Kermit the frog and his shadow self?

He shook his head and dropped his gaze back down to TK as he responded to his comments on New York City.

“You’re in Texas TK, BBQ and ribs for one.” He grinned, “but personally I think we have some of the best street tacos around. There is this little shop I visit often, you should try it. Although I should warn you, the heat is authentic, so be prepared for an elevated form of spice.” He grinned.

He remembered Michelle choking on the spice and his carefully supply of milk products until she could breath again.

“Alright, but the offer still stands. If you ever need me, I’ll be here.” He said. He grabbed a sticky note and wrote down his phone number and call sign.

“Take this if you ever to reach me.”

Then he went back to sorting through TK’s file. He clicked a couple more things and watched a file pop up on his screen. A little warning that TK’s record had a serious update and Carlos clicked into the file to add in the details if it was necessary.

He half expected it to be another fight. Maybe TK was into those underground MMA fights. But what popped in his screen made his stomach turn. TK wouldn’t be the first person he’d encounter with an issue with substances, but he was the first one that made Carlos’ heart stop in his chest.

It said he’d been dead for 3 minutes. 3 whole minutes. Carlos clicked out of the screen, and marked it as unimportant to the case. His eyes strayed to TK with an understanding of some of the things he’d gone through.

The struggle and strength it took to beat addictions was nothing to scoff at, and Carlos was impressed by his inner strength.

It brought this entire interaction into a new light and Carlos longed to ask if TK understood how strong he was, how brave he was, to fighting this battle at all.

But it wasn’t his place and TK hadn’t given that information freely, so he locked it behind his teeth and focused on his job.

It was easier said than done.

Especially with Officer Marston’s sneered words. If there was anyone in the Precinct that Carlos didn’t need like, it was him. He tended to be gruff around the edges and he hated that Carlos had higher marks in fire arms and better community relations.

“Good, if you would feel better we can take my patrol car.” He suggested, “otherwise my personal car works.” It was up to TK, but he wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to use his patrol car. “Then again if you are trying to be discreet, my personal car won’t have a flashing red siren.” He suggested.

His eyes trailed over TK’s form as he shook his anger and he narrowed his eyes at his words. “He did what?!” He snapped harsher than he meant too. It wasn’t the first time he had thought ill of Officer Marston, but it was the first time he felt like he had an actual reason to feel that way.

“I can make a report,” he offered quickly, “and file it against him. He shouldn’t be using his badge to get away with hurting people.”

Carlos felt a deep anger settling in stomach. He hated when people took their power trips out on people. Especially in his line of work.

“Yes, we can leave.” Carlos gathered his stuff and didn’t bother to change out of his uniform. He just hit save on TK’s file and promised he’d finish it tomorrow.

He lead TK out the door and glared at Marston as they passed. Not that the man cared. At all. His dislike for Carlos was well known.

And then cursed himself. He didn’t want to crave anything or anyone. He wanted to stomp on even the slightest inkling of desire. The taste of disappointment was extremely bitter and TK could certainly do without that reminder for the rest of his life.

He heard the officer list out the street food and nodded in all the required places. There would have been a time when TK would have smoothly wrangled an invite to get the guy to show him the place or throw an innuendo of being able to handle the heat. But now, he was pretty sure he’d neither be able to taste the taco or enjoy anything that Austin had to offer.

He didn’t really want to be in Austin in the first place. And getting back to New York was out of question. And it wasn’t for the first time that TK felt the sense of absolute displacement, of just floating in space without any meaning or purpose.

“Cool thanks for the suggestion” he mumbled in response, not wanting to come across as a rude dick but his energy absolutely exhausted, he found himself unable to even engage in any small talk.

Though the man sliding the sticky note with his number made TK raise his eyebrows. He didn’t refuse it, instead pocketing it though he was sure he’d never use it. Atleast not in the way the Officer may have meant. 

“You’re pretty brave to be giving random people who were brought to the precinct in cuffs, your number or volunteering to give them a ride home. I could be anyone.” TK observed marveling at the cop’s foolhardiness while also feeling a strange inking to shake him to face the reality and simultaneously wanting to protect him from the same. 

“I could be dangerous” he continued, his expression turning churlish “ lead you anywhere or take you hostage. Tell me you don’t make it a habit of being this nice to all the people you process!” The disbelief was rather evident in his tone, but he really didn’t think this was the normal way things worked? Or was it different in Texas? 

“Just how many calls do you receive in a day?” he couldn’t help asking, his former resolve to maintain any distance totally dissolving “Most people who walk through the doors may perhaps desire mercy or kindness, but they often don’t deserve it. And here you...” 

Shut up now! His brain supplied as he realised if unchecked he’d probably say something totally stupid...like how his eyes were so expressive, and the expression so open and warm, that for the first time in days, TK wasn’t seeing everything as grey. Instead it was all soft brown.

“You..you should be more cautious” He lamely finished, not understanding why he was turning into a filterless mother hen but feeling completely embarrassed by it nonetheless. 

He should just not talk again unless absolutely necessary. And with that silent promise, he buried his face in his arms again.

It was only when the cop began talking about cars and report that TK made any move to respond. He’d love to actually report the guy but seeing as he had no intention of ever coming back there again, he really didn’t want to be involved in that mess.

“It’s fine” he mumbled, gathering his phone and shrugging into his jacket “don’t want to cause any trouble for you. Trust me I know those types. He may not do anything overtly, but he’d know it was you who made that report and he’d try to make your life hell”

The cold air hit him as they got out of the precinct and he rubbed his arms, feeling his muscles ache. Damn, he was going to be so freaking sore the next day.

“And badge or not” TK quickly observed “most people do end up hurting others. Maybe it is the way of the world, but if people are not careful, they will end up hurt beyond measure”

He had no fucking idea why he was blabbering to him like a talkative kid and had to forcibly bite his lips from saying anything anymore. The sooner he got home, the sooner he could just forget this day.

If only forgetting everything else would be that easy.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t…he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But…why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Something he should be doing as well, but Carlos refused to let people hang in the void between shift changes, it always made his colleagues jobs harder and the people more cranky. Ideally, everyone who spent time in the station would realize that their actions weren’t the best, and rethink them next time.

Then again, Carlos had to be realistic, sometimes the people that were brought in didn’t deserve to be there. And that was a fact Carlos hated. Although in TK’s case he was starting to think he needed more help than he was getting.

The tight way he talked, how his shoulder hunched in, the way he seemed to already be thinking about another fight. Carlos couldn’t prove that… but his eyes said enough.

And then there were his words, and honest confusion about being offered even the most basic kindness. Kindness that Carlos offered freely, and didn’t usually receive a thanks for. It was bizarre.

“I wish you didn’t say that like it was a rarity.” Carlos responded. “Everyone deserves kindness, and basic human decency.” And he hated that cops had a reputation of not providing that.

But it made him feel more compelled to work hard, to change the way people were treated from the inside.

And Carlos would be lying if he didn’t acknowledge that TK was somewhat unique, in that Carlos really felt connected to him. Which was unusual.

Carlos generally had a guard up with people, a professional fence that took time to yield. But TK had blown those open, with his dark green eyes and soothing voice. Especially as he cockily talked about New York Pizza.

“I’ll have to trust your word on that,” Carlos grinned, “I’ve never been to New York. But I have heard things about fantastic bagels.” He said trying to keep the conversation light while he entered all the data on the file and did his cursory check.

Carlos winced as TK folded in on himself. He knew he was overstepping but the worry was greater than his caution. “You don’t sound very sure…” He said. “I know it isn’t always easy to ask for help, but that’s literally what I’m hear for. And I have a lot of resources at my disposal, if you need anything at all.”

Carlos felt a little guilty as he stared at TK, because his life was finally in a place he liked, with a good job, a station that didn’t judge him for being Latino and gay, and a wonderful boyfriend, but clearly TK wasn’t there yet. And he really wished he was.

Maybe not the boyfriend part…

Carlos quickly closed the door on that, and refocused. What the hell was he thinking?! He had a boyfriend.

If anything TK looked worse off for the news that the word might spread and Carlos never hated the gossip mill more. “I’ll see what I can do to stop the flow though. I doubt anyone else noticed you’re from the 126.” He whispered.

“And I’m actually almost off shift, I can give you a ride home. I heard it’s supposed to rain tonight, and you shouldn’t be trying to walk in that.” Carlos explained. Maybe they could be friends.

Carlos would like to be friends with him. He felt compelled to know him and friends sounded like a good start.

“Oh! I’m sorry, let me grab it for you.” Carlos glanced towards the officers as they piled into the room. And frowned at the look on TK’s face. “Just me a moment.” He stood up and headed over. Exchanging a couple words with his nemesis Officer Marston, and then heading back over to TK.

“For some reason, Officer Marston thinks you instigated the fight…” Carlos began setting his phone down and sitting closer than he should. “But the other two men aren’t giving very many more details.”

It was a strangely vulnerable confession and TK felt the panic rising within him. He really did not want anything remotely vulnerable happening to him and with an intention of backtracking, buried his head in his arms. Maybe if he hide here, without the sight of the officer, he’d get his mouth filters back in place.

Or maybe he should just stick to a extremely short surface replies. He could still feel every scar, every bruise that his heart had suffered and did not want to add anything more to it.

He had certainly been idealistic in wanting to propose to Alex and his face burned in shame at that memory. He wish he could drown in a bottle of vodka to erase it, but if almost dying hadn’t done the trick, he doubted if anything else would.

He zoned out a little, the only sound of the man writing things down in a file. He briefing wondered if there was any information about his overdose there and tried to stem the anxiety arising out of it. There was all the possibility in the world that it would be there- his dad had said they had reported it as accidental but they had reported it since the battering ram was used. 

Damn! He was so glad to be out of that city and completely out of touch with everyone there. TK didn’t think he could stomach their looks of pity or disgust or disappointment. 

5 years of sobriety all for something called love. What a bloody shame!

But never again, he silently vowed. He literally didn’t want anything to do, no matter who strange his feelings were acting in this man’s presence. He didn’t want to develop a schoolboy crush and the sooner he got out of here and forget this whole evening, the better.

He opened one eye to look at him, his heart unwillingly charmed by the sweet open expression on his face. TK wanted to ignore him, hell even be rude if only to push him away, but he found that he really couldn’t do either. “Yeah..the food there is great. What about Austin? What’s the specialty here?” he found himself asking, thinking to the innumerable places he had gone before halting that train of thought since he hadn’t always been alone while eating out and he had promised to try and burn any thoughts of Alex from his mind.

He didn’t lift his head up again, even as officer Reyes spoke about wanting to help and the resources he had. A vicious part of him wanted to ask if the man knew any drug dealers, because that was what could factually get him to feel something instead of the bloody numbness and detachment he was experiencing.

Another part of him wanted to know if the man would be available for a hook-up, sure that a night between the sheets with him would be enough to keep his thoughts at bay for a while. Officer Reyes cut a gorgeous figure in his uniform, and this part of TK wanted to see exactly what he was hiding underneath it.

But besides those, there was a small, subdued voice that was urging him to unload everything on the man and cry his heart out- or atleast whatever was left of his heart.

TK pushed all those alternatives away, instead choosing to mumble a quiet “Thanks but I’m good”, the lie feeling bitter on his tongue but he was pretty much used to it at this point.

He only lifted his head in disbelief as the officer offered him a ride and TK not for the first time wondered just what this man’s deal was and what he wanted from him. Was he looking for a quickie in the backseat? or a Blowjob? Usually he’d have scoffed in annoyance and gone his own way, but he was attracted to the man and the way to drive it off was to give in to it.

Perhaps sex in the backseat would be just the thing he needed after this hellish day.

TK shrugged, seemingly unbothered as he rubbed the tissue in his hand, nodding his assent “Sure if you want to” and watched him walk away to speak with another Officer. His eyes hardened as he saw who it was, and his defenses were already raised as Reyes came back and began talking.

“ Officer Marston “ he spat, anger shining in his green eyes “also thinks it is totally okay to violently shove unarmed, unresisting people in the car and grab them hard enough to leave bruises. So I wouldn’t put too much stock on his words” 

He was cranky, exhausted and just wanted to sleep and forget his entire existence. Instead, TK bit back another snarky retort and checked his messages, calming down a little as he noticed that he had none from his dad.

So far, so good!

Somehow Officer Reyes’ concern felt extremely intimate and TK, unable to articulate an angry ‘why do you care’ chose instead to stare straight into his eyes, his heart beating a little faster as they both just looked at each other, as a freaking blush started to raise up from his neck.

He broke off the eye contact and stared unseeingly at his phone, asking a quite “Can we leave?” instead of answering any of his questions.

He was exhausted lying to people all the time and was afraid that the next time he opened his mouth, he might actually do something stupid like blurting out the truth.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that…or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren’t you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh…old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

For the fourth time in many moments, Carlos reminded himself that he had a wonderful boyfriend. Who was a Doctor and didn’t mind that Carlos worked odd hours, or that he couldn’t introduce him to his family. He was sweet, and always took time from his day to text Carlos a serious of memes. Sometimes… he didn’t understand what they meant, but he loved those messages.

So, it was difficult for Carlos to watch TK bite his lip hard enough to reopen his wound and he grabbed the box of tissues from beside him and placed them down in front of him. “You’ve got some blood,” he said offering TK a tissue, and then when he realized his hands were still locked in cuffs he dabbed at his lip to stop the bleeding.

He didn’t even hesitate, as he wiped the blood away and made sure that his lip was finished bleeding, instead he worked as if it was the most natural thing in the world. And he didn’t realize he might have over stepped until he was setting the napkin down and unlocking his cuffs.

He winced and offered TK a sheepish smile. “Do you feel a little less restrained now?” He asked with more a soft expression.

Against his better judgement, he laughed at TK’s sarcastic reply. “Well, you are clearly new in town, that’s Annabelle‘s and they only sell those pies on the first Tuesday’s of the month. So you’re a couple days early.” He supplied. “But you are right, I’ll get you processed as fast as I can.”

Carlos wasn’t generally one to waste time, so he pulled the file towards himself and scanned the documents looking for anything that he needed to fill in. “Well Mr. Firefighter It says here you blew a 0.0,” Carlos said looking up at TK, “So that means you started a fight completely sober…” He stared at him and set the file down. “You know in my experience, people that do things like this are trying to cope with something else. Is there something going on at home? Are you in a safe place?” He asked, leaning in to make sure TK was the only person who heard him.

When TK mentioned his father’s age along with health problems he wondered what that meant, but he didn’t press. He was already digging deeper than he should. “No, this won’t be on your record, since you don’t have a drop of liquor in you, we aren’t even giving you drunken disorderly.” Carlos assured him, but his gaze steeled as he looked over TK. “But I should mention that while Austin seems big, people talk like it’s a small town, so I doubt your father isn’t going to hear about this.” He warned.

Carlos darted his gaze away from TK and felt heat raise to his cheeks. He had a boyfriend, so why the heck was he getting so flustered by this attractive stranger. Javier was an amazing person, and he didn’t deserve Carlos looking at someone else. Even if he had no intention of following through with his attraction.

His eyes moved to rest on his features, take in his gorgeous face and when his gaze collided with those beautiful expressive brown orbs, his heart picked up a beat, TK hadn’t expected it to ever pick up again and he swore loudly in his head.

No no no no no 

This couldn’t be happening!

He couldn’t...he couldn’t really be crushing on this man !

Sure Officer Reyes had caught his interest and TK had always kept an ear out whenever anyone mentioned him, but it was all in harmless inquisitiveness, but he actually had no plans to ever engage his heart again.

Been there, done that and had almost died. Scratch that. He had died! He really couldn’t afford doing this whole dance with anyone, no matter how stunning he looked and how kind they seemed.

“Thanks” TK softly began as Carlos uncuffed him, and he rubbed against his wrists to get some circulation back. “But...why are you being so nice to me?”

It really didn’t make any sense to him. TK had nothing he could offer the man, and being kind to someone he was currently processing made no sense to him at all. It felt so unconditional, so foreign, he really didn’t know how to react. 

It felt dangerous to develop a ‘like’ for this man, though the moment he heard his loud, bright laugh, TK felt admiration and panic. He turned away to stare at a spot on the wall to avoid looking at him, but it proved futile as his gaze kept coming back to his face.

Damn he was really beautiful and TK had to struggle to keep his interactions distant and unaffected. Back in NYC, he’d have wasted no time in flirting up a storm but he wasn’t there anymore. New York was no longer home, nothing really was.

He was sure whatever diner the officer was talking about made great pies, but TK doubted he’d taste anything on eating it. He had been attempting to work on himself, to keep from freaking his father more than he already had, but..

Everything was just so grey.

“I may be new, but I can already tell you for sure that no pizza can taste better than the one made in New York” he offered instead in response with a shrug of his shoulder as he took more tissues and began wiping his face, careful to not put too much pressure.

He was careful to avoid the cop’s gaze as he perfectly pointed out his observation, hitting it a little close to him and TK felt his walls pull up. No one knew of the mess he had left behind in New York and he’d really like to keep it that way. But Officer Reyes’ questions seemed to stem more from a place of kindness than curiosity and he couldn’t stop the strange feeling of warmth spreading all over his body at the realisation.

But it was a kindness he did not deserve and TK tried to push it away. “I am safe, thank you for asking” he stated, his voice slightly hoarse “Like I said those men where harassing the bartender, so I decided to step in. Should have expected the fists” 

And that was the story he’d be sticking with, no matter who asked. Perhaps even his therapist, not that he had one at the moment- they were still settling in, but no one needed to know that he had incited the event, had spoken words he knew would rile those men and the only thing he had remotely defended was his own sanity and sobriety.

Blowing a relief breath at that news, TK allowed himself to relax. However, that relief was short when the officer mentioned the possibility of gossip and it made him want to bang his head somewhere and yell.

“Fuck” he swore, shaking his head. He doubted his dad would buy the whole defense story. It only meant, he’d be watching TK’s every move like a hawk, not that he blamed him, yet he felt constricted and restless at the very though. Wasn’t be being punished enough for his actions?

Lost in thought, he almost didn’t hear the Officer’s question. Was that the protocol question? If it was, the whole department was bloody freaking nice for a state with so much gun-related violence. “Yeah..eh I’ll walk” he answered rubbing his temple. He doubted he had enough in his wallet, or if he even had his wallet in the first place. He vaguely remembered it falling out of his pocket. It didn’t have much cash, barely a 15 dollar bill so TK was unconcerned about it. He was more worried about the location of his phone.

“Can I have my phone back? The officers who brought me here..” he wrinkled his nose, his eyes hardening in annoyance remembering the rough way they had pushed him inside “They took it. I want to check for any messages from my dad”

He really hoped there was none as his dad, unless he was in the station, was a pretty sound sleeper and he had looked incredibly tired when he had come home from wherever he had been.

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that...or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

First, because they were in the middle of the Police Station, and second because he doubted TK would be open to him trying to help. If he been willing get help, he doubted he would be picking fights with drunken men. Especially in Texas, where the gun laws were lax and Carlos saw these types of fights escalate into dangerous situations on the daily.

Javier, his boyfriend tended to jump without thinking and he saw a little of that in TK. But he wasn’t sure if he was reading him right. Vaguely he wondered if he should be trying to read him at all. After all, his job was simple, collect the statement and then let him go.

But for whatever reason, Carlos wanted him to remain in the safety of the Station. Where he couldn’t pick a fight with two large men, and get even more injured in the process.

“My apologies, TK.” He said striking out his name on the case file and rewriting it as it he requested. It was something he was made fun for often, but Carlos I could never bring himself to call someone by the wrong name. Not when he knew how many people had to struggle with their identities. Or how fresh his own struggle was.

Carlos also preferred to think of most people as mainly decent, and so he always treated them like they made a mistake, one that could be fixed with the right amount of effort.

Unless of course, the crime was too horrific, like abuse, rape, murder, or child directed, then he always handled it with a detached demeanor. Sometimes his coworkers made fun of him for his soft heart, but Carlos was pretty used to it by now.

Carlos nodded along to his story and wrote down a couple words next to his name, rash, protective, looking for a fight? He wasn’t sure how much was his own feelings, and how much he was actually getting from TK. Generally Carlos trusted his instincts, but TK was … a variable Carlos wasn’t sure how to deal with.

*You have a boyfriend. A good boyfriend.* He thought rather pointedly and capped his feelings for the gorgeous man there.

Or he tired too.

It was hard to do that completely when he was sitting right there.

“It shouldn’t take too much time,” Carlos affirmed, but his squinted at TK, “Why do you have somewhere to be?”

He was after all, the fool who decided to pick a fight with two bigger men. Unfortunately, some people couldn’t think of the consequences of their actions, and they usually ended up staring at Carlos with shock and confusion.

TK didn’t seem like that type. TK seemed like he knew exactly what he was doing. And that worried Carlos. His stare was focused and so soul piercing that Carlos was suddenly taken back to that raining night with Captain Strand.

“Hey!” He said suddenly, looking at TK with a wide stare, “Aren't you a new recruit? You’re a Firefighter from the 126 right?” He remembered him clearly.

TK resisted the urge to drop his jaw in shock on hearing the apology, firstly because he had never seen any cop he had interacted with apologise ever and secondly because, well he was the damn sorta criminal in the scenario.

Was everyone down here incredibly polite? 

But that couldn’t be because TK recollected the rough hands of the cops who had brought him here, shoving him in the back of the car, with more force than required although he hadn’t really been resisting.

Maybe it was just officer Reyes. He remembered hearing about him a lot from the Paramedics, something about him being BFFs with their captain. It made him strangely feel protective of him. He almost wanted to get mad at that apology, tell him to not look at him with that soft warm gaze because opening the heart hurt and could wreck havoc- enough to almost be dead for 3 minutes.

TK cleared his throat and shook his head lightly, both to accept the apology and to rid himself of thought of his overdose, slightly shaking as those memories tried to push itself to the surface, numbness starting to spread through his body. He purposely bit his lips hard, feeling the pain tussle with the numbness, emerging victorious for now. But he knew that feeling would return.

And he’d had to deal with it again tomorrow. Maybe he could find a outskirt bar or something to have a row, where cops weren’t always called? Or sign up for more adrenaline inducting sports because clearly, just running into burning buildings wasn’t cutting it anymore for him.

He was glad it wouldn’t take too long, plus the cuffs were bloody uncomfortable. Whoever had a kink for these things either hadn’t actually tried them on or used a different brand. TK couldn’t imagine feeling anything close to aroused with these things, but then again, maybe if it was the man in front of him doing the cuffing, he could totally change his mind.

Perhaps that could be the new way to not feel numb. Mindless hook-up with a stranger, or THE stranger in front of him.

“Hmm yeah. The diner near the plaza. They have those blueberry pie sales at midnight each month. Don’t wanna miss that out” 

He knew he was bullshitting at this point, but the more TK thought about it, the more he liked the idea of finding a random 24/7 diner and sitting there, taking a moment to just plot how he’d be getting back home. The front door was out of question because it creaked, so he’d have to try the window. Coffee would be pretty helpful.

Or maybe he could say he got robbed? That was an enticing thought.

However, his momentary victory of coming up with a convincing story was brought to a sudden halt at the mention of 126. TK internally swore, cursing his luck and considered lying. But from his unfortunate experience with the universe, there was a very real possibility that the next call would have him face Officer Reyes again. 

And it would be embarrassing. Because strangely, there was a part of TK that had begun to care what the Officer Reyes thought of him.

Which was extremely ironic considering he was sitting in cuffs in front of him at the moment.

“Hmm..yeah that’s right” TK haltingly said, wondering for a moment if there was anything he could bribe the officer with to keep his mouth shut in front of his dad. He still couldn’t believe he had sneaked out when his dad had gone to bed. He’d be so dead if he found out. 

“Will that be on my record? Even if you know..it was in defense and stuff?” he asked attempting to sound unconcerned and nonchalant “Because I totally don’t mind explaining the situation to my seniors and higher-ups but my dad is uh...old with health problems.” He dad was going to kill him for this “So you know..” TK continued sorta gesturing with his cuffed hand “Don’t want to stress him out even more. The job is enough as it is”

He turned  to look at Carlos with what his parents and friends had often referred to as his ‘puppy dog expression’, lowering his lashes, his eyes shining with a chagrined misery, the expression absolutely innocent and pleading and gullible and it had worked every single time in him favour. 

Carlos finished his cup of coffee as Banks descended on him. “I’m dropping a guy off at your desk, he was involved in a bar fight, but he’s being released.” He explained, slapping Carlos in the chest with his file. “I’d take care of it, but we all know you’re the best at paper work.” He grinned winking at his friend while he sped away.

Carlos could be annoyed, but he knew Banks had plans with his girlfriend tonight, so he took the file and skimmed it as he walked. He glanced at the picture and winced, that lip looked unpleasant and despite his bruised face, Tyler Kennedy Strand was unfairly gorgeous.

His deep green eyes were captivating, and his face screamed of pain and lingering anger. Carlos didn’t know why, but he instantly wanted to make him feel better. Or, at least look a little less haunted.

He dropped the file on his desk and smiled down at Tyler. “Hello Tyler,” he greeted far more warmly than he should allow. Especially given the file he had just read. Normally, people who went looking for fights weren’t exactly the type that liked talking to cops.

“I’m Officer Reyes, and I’ll be processing you tonight. Can you walk me through what happened?” He asked, as he sat down. He leaned forward and grabbed a purple pen, he placed it on the paper and waited for Tyler to begin.

Despite how pretty Tyler was, Carlos was in a relationship, so he didn’t allow his gaze to linger too long. Besides, Tyler was a total 10, and Carlos prefer to stay in his league when it came to dating.

TK internally groaned holding the melting ice-pack to his face, the cuffs making the movement harder than it should be. He hated being shoved in the chair like a criminal but it had gotten him what he wanted.

He was no longer numb. 

He doubted anyone could be with a busted lip and bruises on his body. But underneath that was a flicker of pride at being able to take down two heavy grown up men. Sure, they were completely sloshed, but TK decided to not focus on that...or Owen’s reaction.

If he got to know about it. And that was something he didn’t plan of letting out anytime soon.

He had already enough of his dad’s disappointment to last him a lifetime without adding any more to the file.

Taking a deep breath, and swallowing  the swear words that were eager to escape his lips, he didn’t move from his slouched position on hearing the footsteps. He really didn’t want to be thrown in prison and he doubted that’d be the outcome- he knew he was incredibly sober after all, but who knows how things worked here in Austin.

He really was in Texas of all the damn places. Life couldn’t get worse.

Or maybe they could, and TK’s eyes widened a little taking in the gorgeous man seated in front of him, his brown eyes expressive and warm, his face bloody attractive and his lips, so incredibly soft, a part of TK couldn’t help but wonder how it would feel against him own. But considering that was the same part that had incited the idea of proposing to Alex in the first place, TK violent shoved it back down.

And the cop was smiling! At Him!?

He resisted the urge to turn around and confirm there was no one behind. Maybe he had hit his head harder than he thought for there was no way any officer would be this friendly with the person they had to process. Or maybe it was a southern thing? He really couldn’t tell.

“It’s TK” he automatically responded, not wanting to be reminded of the way his mother used to grate his name when he was especially annoyed with him. Factually, TK really didn’t even want to think about his mom or what she’d do if she ever heard of it. 

And he knew who Officer Reyes was. Or atleast a little about him. He had noticed him at the scene earlier, expertly directing the crowd away from the sight of the accident, and his profile was enough to catch TK’s attention- He was freaking stunning in that hot serious sorta way. And the emotion of interest was so astonishing, when TK had resigned himself to never feeling anything after Alex that he had looked. And really liked what he had seen.

So he had kept his ears open for any mention of him, and as much as he hated the man currently, Judd had been the one to bring up that topic, praising him as one of Austin’s best officers- who would be processing him tonight. 

Life really was fucking unfair at times.

“They were harassing the bartender, I stepped in,” TK replied to his question with a shrug, a vicious part of him wondering exactly how the man were to react if he actually gave him the real reason- ‘you see I wanted to feel something other than numb so deciding that fighting was safer than the oxy high, I picked up annoying drunks at the bar’

Yeah that would probably not go down well at all.

He tugged at the cuffs, eyeing it before looking at the man in front of him.

To say that it had been a week from hell was an understatement.

For the first time since forever, TK felt hesitant in getting home. Not only had he and Carlos been on opposite shifts, but there seemed to a sort of distance growing between them. They had hardly spoken, couldn’t get enough time to text and catch up and hadn’t even kissed each other properly since three days.

TK took a moment to stem his shaking hands as he breathed in deeply. They had been called to three OD’s this week and none of the patients had survived. He had been benched for the first one at the beginning of the week, but he had to get involved in the second and the third today.

It had almost seemed like the kid could survive and they had tried their level best but nothing had worked. He had been the one to deliver the news to the parents, almost escaping the man’s fist as he had lashed out at TK in anger.

He knew he could press charges and Nancy had been seconds from calling the cops but TK simply couldn’t. Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault and there was nothing he could have done, but his brain wasn’t in a mood to accept any rationality.

He felt like a complete utter failure…in his job, in his life, in his relationship….

It was evident Carlos had been stressed the entire week and every time TK would attempt to get him to talk, he’d try to divert the conversation or give the facts without touching the heart of the matter. And TK had tried not to push, not to be overbearing, but a vicious part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he had been the problem…especially since Paul apparently knew what had been going on and TK didn’t.

And that hurt more than he was willing to confess.

That combined with the restlessness that was vibrating under his skin, made everything absolutely difficult to deal with and a part of him craved oxy or vodka or anything to silence it all.

He swallowed those emotions and slotted the key, silently opening the door to their house. He mindlessly kicked his shoes near the door and moved to the fridge where they had their supply of ice-cream and got the cookies and cream out, and without bothering with any fanfare, inserted a spoon and directly started eating it from the carton.

TK knew that he should wash his hands, or atleast freshen up but his mind was so loud and his movements so jerky, he didn’t have the patience or inclination to do anything drown in sugar and sleep that off.

He wanted to talk to TK about it but his mood continued to worsen each day and Carlos didn’t want to add to it. He was afraid to add to it, afraid that it opened up too much he might scare TK off. He knew TK loved him, but the only side he’d ever seen was the confident cop Carlos, and the dorky lover, and maybe the soft gooey center, but he hadn’t seen Carlos stress, and that made it worse.

He didn’t want TK to see him like this, but with his world spinning out of control he was finding the frustration was leaking into every aspect of his life and he just needed a space to be content. Their home was usually like that, but lately it had been driving him crazy.

Dishes were piling in the sink, TK’s clothes and shoes strung out everywhere even though the shoe stand was near the door and the clothes hamper was easily accessible. Where Carlos normally grinned at his messy boyfriend, it was driving him crazy now. He would clean a space and then hurricane TK would come spilling in the door and mess it all up again.

And Carlos knew he wasn’t being fair. TK worked a hard job, and things had clearly been trying for him lately, but his brain wouldn’t let it go. Maybe it was the distance or the fact that the only piece of his boyfriend he had seen all week was the mess he left behind.

But Carlos felt a little crazy. He was sure the problem would go away, if he just got some time with his boyfriend. So he cleaned the house and he made a fancy dinner for TK and placed the plates in the stove and he waited for his boyfriend to arrive. And waited. And waited.

Worry knotted in his chest and he glanced at his phone again sending TK another range of messages. When he got nothing back he jumped up and ran up the stairs to grab his jacket and go in search of him, his heart pounded and suddenly he heard the door open. He dropped his jacket on the floor and then raced towards the stairs.

“TK?!” He called out hitting the bottom of the stairs and frowning at his boyfriend. “Why didn’t you call?!“ he snapped in his worry. And he winced at the tone. His voiced softened and he tried to be calm as he regarded TK. “I was worried.“

But the worry turned to annoyance as he looked around the room.

He looked at the ice cream and frowned. “You’re going to spoil dinner.” He added, then literally followed his trail around the house. He groaned and grabbed his bag from the floor, setting it on the table and then putting away his shoes. He sighed as he did so. He had just cleaned this place.

He had been staring so intently at the counter that he barely registering footsteps on the stairs and almost jumped out of his skin at Carlos’ loud tone.

His hand moved to his chest as he blinked in confusion at his boyfriend. Normally, they’d have already entered each other’s spheres and traded kisses and hugs but it seemed something was keeping them from doing that now.

“I texted you that I’d be late. Did you not receive it?” TK asked sucking on the spoon before dropping it in the sink and rubbing his hands on his pants.

He’d been in the process of moving towards Carlos but his steps halted as he saw his boyfriend clean up his mess and internally groaned.

The guilt increased at Carlos’ words and TK felt like an ass but mixed with that was also annoyance. He knew he was messy but he wasn’t incredibly messy either. Still he swallowed that emotion and trailed after Carlos.

“Sorry I’ll try not to do that too often” he offered knowing that promising outright would be a lie because TK would probably leave a mess in the future too.

But he had never heard Carlos snap at him either, first for the icecream and then the shoes. Even Owen all these years had never mentioned any of TK’s habits..Granted the man had been rarely at home but still…

It made TK feel like an errant child and he didn’t like it at all.

“But it’s not like I do it all the time. Are occasional lapses an offense now?” he countered sinking on the stool. The thought of food made him feel sick. He doubted he could stomach anything after today’s day.

Which made him panic, and then that made him angry, and then he was back at square one again. He knew he wasn’t being fair to his boyfriend, but it was like watching a bad accident, he couldn‘t stop himself.

“No, you didn’t text me, so I made dinner and when you didn’t show I didn’t know what to think.“ Carlos said, crossing his arms. ”I was just about to go looking for you.” He explained.

Carlos watched his boyfriend rub his dirty hands on his pants and rolled his eyes, sometimes he felt like he was dating a toddler. He was so messy, and cute, and normally he would have been all heart eyes, except he was stressed, and not handling it well at all.

“TK you do it all the time, I’m not holding my breath for you to suddenly stop.” Carlos said shaking his head at his dismissal. “I’m tired of cleaning my house everytime I come home.“ He said. It would have been nice if just once he could have come home to clean house and relaxed. Even better if his boyfriend had been home to greet him. In his annoyance he hadn’t been careful with his words and he didn’t notice what he had said.

Especially as he realized that TK wasn’t planning on eating. “You can’t work over 12 hours and not eat TK, I made dinner, if you don’t like it we can order out. But seeing as how you were just eating ice cream, surely you can eat something small.”

He turned his phone on and opened their text thread. While normally it would be filled with hearts and flirty messages, their communication had been stilted over the week. The text had been there apparently but had not been sent and TK groaned showing Carlos the screen “See I texted you but my phone didn’t have enough balance so it wasn’t sent. I’ll recharge it tomorrow”

Tossing it on the couch, he went to sit down when Carlos’ words stopped him short. Shock reverberated through his features along with an intense feeling of hurt settling somewhere deep within.

His house??

Is that how Carlos actually saw it? It did make sense since technically Carlos owned the place but he had always insisted on it being TK’s place too. And since moving in, Carlos had always called it their house.

So what had changed? Had he overstayed his welcome?

Echoes of his dad calling his mom a squatter came back and TK tried to fight against the gut churing panic. He never wants them to end up like his parents but Carlos taking back those promises of it being his space too felt like the worst sort of betrayal.

“Your house is it now?” TK shot back his emotions high “Well sorry to disappoint you but I’ve been living here for a while too. But it never was my house was it?” He snorted self-deprecatingly gesturing around the room “because newsflash Carlos I could drop my stuff however I wanted back at my parents. This is not a damn military camp with a rulebook I should be following! This is my home! Or so I thought. Guess I was wrong”

A fight was certainly not what TK was expecting but since his emotions were being directed here and not fixated on the body of that kid, he unconsciously began to feed into it.

“It was two spoonful of ice cream and trust me if I eat anything right now I’ll be throwing up. Don’t think you’d want that to happen to your precious floor now” he snarked back before dropping on the couch.

But the thought of TK being in danger had wrecked his chest, and he was so close to breaking down. He didn’t want anything to happen to him and he didn’t want TK to realize that Carlos was a giant mess. He’d been trying so hard to keep it under wraps and now it was spilling out of him.

“Wait - I didn’t mean for it to come out like that -“ Carlos tried to explain but TK’s anger drowned out his words and he wanted desperately to take them back but the more his boyfriend spoke the more his anger rose in his chest. Why was TK being so damn difficult? He didn’t understand and his anger was growing more and more.

“What the hell is wrong with you! I’m not saying everything has to be perfect I’m just asking you to keep your stuff in a place that isn’t everywhere. Why is that so hard for you to understand.” Thwas exactly what Carlos was afraid of, one lost grip and now they were spiraling. And TK - TK was going to leave.

Suddenly he felt icy terror rip through his chest. He was suddenly so sure TK wanted out.

“Really? Are you bringing up Doctor whatever right now because you think I’m so cheating bastard or because you want me to be?! You’re just looking for an exit!” Carlos snapped. “If you don’t want to date me anymore than just say it! Don’t hide behind someone else!”

Something it seemed that the universe wouldn’t give him. The anger of the boy’s father, the air of disappointment there bleeding into Carlos’ expression.

He looked around their space and save a few stuff seemingly displaced, TK literally couldn’t understand what mess his boyfriend was talking about. “It’s not like I don’t clean up! Or I’m like the worst messy person in the planet.” He defended angrily a part of him not fully comprehending the fact that Carlos was angry.

At him.

He had rarely seen Carlos lose his cool, neither on scene nor in their personal life and TK couldn’t understand just what was bothering him now. He had always been more messy than his boyfriend but Carlos had never mentioned anything.

“Is that how you’ve been feeling all this time?” He couldn’t help but ask in disbelief “because this…” he stated pointing out to his bag now on the table and the shoes on the floor “is not new. Is this getting too much? Am I getting too much for you?” TK cried out shooting up from his seat and pacing along the kitchen counter. “I..I don’t understand. What is going on?”

He was careful to maintain his distance, his memory of their last argument pretty vivid in his mind and he consciously kept his hands around his body. Technically TK knew he’d never lash out like that again but there was always done comfort in negating all possibilities.

Though apparently it was Carlos’ turn to deliver punches and TK felt like the ground had been ripped under him and he was falling

He gripped the counter to steady himself, opening and closing his mouth multiple times in an attempt to even process a fragment of that sentence.

“Why would I …” He began his voice shaking at the very thought that Carlos was tired of him, was disappointed in him, and maybe wanted an out.

He didn’t know how he’d survive that.

If he would survive that.

“When have I ever given you an impression I want an exit? Seriously!? Are you listening to yourself?” he could help let anger colour the tone of his voice, his eyes flashing “ Are you really accusing me of trying to paint you as a cheater? After you knew what happened the last time and what I’d gone through?”

A part of TK wanted to ask if Carlos wanted an exit but he was too scared to voice that thought out nd get a confirmation.

Carlos had always considered communication a corner stone of their relationship, ever since they had grossly miscommunicated in the beginning of their relationship, he felt like they had put in the work.

Only now, when he didn’t know how to say what he needed to say, he realized how wrong he had been. There was something so different about their fight right now. Unlike any of the ones they previously had. This one felt permanent, and relationship ending. Fear was thumbing through Carlos and making him stutter and short circuit.

“I know but it sucks to come home to a mess when you aren’t here!” Carlos ignored his better senses and continued to ride this crashing train. He should be being more honest. Should have been trying to bridge the gap between them.

“TK! No it doesn’t bother me normally, but when you aren’t here and I’m left with nothing but a mess after I’ve had a stressful day at work it gets on my nerves. You’re the only one trying to make this something it’s not!!” Carlos continued and the reason he thought was because TK hadn’t let go of reservations about them. TK was still holding on to them.

”You’re the one who keeps bringing up some stupid doctor that flirted with me! If I did that I’d be talking about 10 guys at least, but you’re the one who left me alone with him, you’re the one who was supposed to trust me! So why don’t you!” Carlos felt his hands start to shake. “Why don’t you trust me TK? What am I doing wrong?!” His voice broke a little.

“Then make me understand. What is going on?” He asked unable to understand just what was happening. It was rare for Carlos to even raise his voice, let along snap at anyone and the fact that he was doing both made TK feel like an absolute failure. Had the mess really been bothering Carlos this much? Because TK couldn’t figure out any other reason why his boyfriend suddenly decided to have a row with him.

So much for their promises of honest communication because it seemed like they were both on different ends of the spectrum with regards to this.

“What am I trying to make out of this exactly?” he voiced in frustration “because if this mess really bothered you, you could have come to me…i don’t know weeks ago and said something. You didn’t! How am I supposed to know Carlos? I am not a mind reader” He snapped trudging towards the shoe stand and harshly throwing the shoes in there before grabbing the hoodie placed on the back of the chair and bundling it. “Plus” he continued “I don’t expect you to clean up after me! I never have. Somedays are just…days you don’t wanna function”

With an annoyed sigh, he placed the scrunched up hoodie on the table before grabbing the dish soap and washing the spoon he had used, his movements angry and jerky.

Though apparently the issue wasn’t done and with growing horror TK heard every single word coming out of Carlos’ mouth. He had thought they were past this, that Carlos knew just how serious he was about them..hell! they had even playfully talked about marriage- something TK didn’t know he’d ever consider and to understand just how unsafe Carlos was feeling felt like a slap on his face.

He washed the spoon, letting the sound of running water fill the space for a moment as he tried to think of anything except Carlos’ words. That however did not prove to be a smart thing to do, as his mind instantly switched to the man’s harsh angry words that he had spat out at TK in pain.

You don’t deserve to live when my son is dead. You didn’t do enough. You didn’t do anything to save him

He grabbed the counter and shut his eyes, his mind literally not in a mood for any explanation and a part of him simply wanted to run away. But after their last fight, TK had promised that he wouldn’t do that so he had to struggle to speak something now.

“I can’t believe you right now” he muttered, pain and anger and exhaustion evident in his voice as he turned and pressed his body against the smooth marble in an attempt to ground himself and focus on the current moment than the mess that had happened 3 hours ago. 

“ I trust you! I have trusted you always! Have I not shown it enough? This isn’t about me not trusting you! It’s about me not…” deserving you.

But somehow he couldn’t voice that out aloud, knowing the moment those words were spoken in existence, they’d become a tangible thing that’d choke the breath out of him. And he had enough of that happening for the day.

Carlos swallowed thickly and looked at his boyfriend, he threw the breaks on a realized that he couldn’t continue this way. He was hurting him again.

“Nothing, I’m tired, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not that big of a deal TK - I’m just tired.” He started to pivot on his heels but froze as TK moved to angrily begin cleaning.

He watched his jerking reactions and the angry set of his shoulders and winced again. He did this, because he couldn’t keep hiding his imperfections. And now TK knew that.

“I just told you TK, it doesn’t bother me that much! I’m just tired I should go to bed.” He couldn’t believe he had let things spiral this far.

He had to admit that fighting with TK was zapping every ounce of strength he had left, and he wanted to end it now. But another part of him was scared that ending it would cause it to boil over. To follow them forever.

Then again… he had to know if TK was waiting to walk away. He couldn’t spend another day waiting for the shoe to drop. Which made it sound more common than it was. Normally Carlos wasn’t so afraid of that, but after his injury he couldn’t help but fixate on it.

And now here it was. TK was pissed and Carlos wasn’t helping it. He was just making it worse and worse.

“It’s about what? I don’t understand what else you could mean by that! How am I supposed to be taking these comments? Because it sounds like you trying to push me away. Trying to tell me to go off and date some other man? Or, at the very least accusing me of wanting to.” He snapped letting his anger lead his words.

“I don’t know what to tell you TK, I feel like there is something you aren’t saying! You come home after I haven’t seen you in a week and you don’t want to eat, you don’t want to talk to me, and you don’t care that I was worried about you.”

Apparently him going there would have saved him a whole lot of confrontation occurring right now.

His forehead crunched in thought and he could feel an intense wave of frustration rubbing against his skin. “No..you don’t get to say all this and then throw down the gauntlet because it becomes too difficult or something Carlos!”

 TK stated crossing his arms and leaning against the fridge, his body feeling drained from the entire day. “You keep saying I am not communicating and I don’t talk to you, but if we actually look at the amount of times either of us have really spoken about our feelings, I would have a bigger number. When have you ever talked to me about what was really happening inside?” he accused, his voice sounding both weary and upset. 

“And why exactly is that? Do you feel like you cannot talk to me? Do you feel like I won’t be open or react well?” 

He really wanted to understand just what was happening, hoping that Carlos of all people didn’t think him weak enough that he couldn’t come communicate his problems to him.

“Is it that you aren’t feeling safe enough in the relationship that you feel anything you tell me will make me walk out. Because from what I have been hearing you say in the last half hour, is that you don’t really trust me enough to stick around!” He pointed out, shaking his head, his gaze searching Carlos’ expression for any clue as to just what had happened since the moment he got in.

He heard his boyfriend’s words with increasing horror and seemed like every ounce of patience he had in the world was snapped out of him. TK for the life of him didn’t know just what he had done to give Carlos the impression that he wanted Carlos to date other people or that he was pushing him away. On the contrary, TK sometimes felt embarrassed by how clingy he could get.

“For the love of God, not everything is about you or my feelings for you!” he retorted angrily, eyes blazing “It is about me! My problems and the way I deal with stuff! It is about me looking at you and somedays feeling absolutely underserving of your love. It is about me looking at that damn doctor and thinking he wouldn’t have made a mess out of the relationship like I’m doing right now. I am not pure hearted or whatever pedestal you have put me on” He harshly ground out “This is me! I am not perfect and I am not organised- in life or emotion. THIS is who you are dating Carlos”

It badly shafted his heart that Carlos had actually accused him of not caring when in reality he was the one TK more cared about in his life. His eyes burnt with unshed tears and he took a shaky breathe, the fight completely leaving his body. 

What was left to say after words like that?

He shut his eyes for a moment, cursing that they didn’t have a spare bedroom he could hide in till he’d feel reasonable enough. But seeing as they didn’t, he’d have to face this head on and attempt to understand just why they were even fighting in the first place.

He was just so tired and ready for this fight to be over with, and he was torn. Between realizing his feelings were leaking out all over the place and knowing it wasn’t fair to be putting TK through this.

“Let’s just -“ He made an aborted step towards TK but froze as TK hit him in the chest with his words. It felt like a punch and Carlos touched the center of his chest like he’s been hit. He couldn’t believe that TK had reached right through him, had seen what he was hiding. He turned his back to him and tried to breath.

Just talk to him. His brain urged and he trembled in the spot. He was so on edge and TK hitting him in exactly the right spot only made it worse. He turned back to TK and tried to salvage this mess.

“I -“ He couldn’t even get the words out, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to have that problem, instead his words got sharper and Carlos felt every single one like a cut to his skin. And his hackles were raising in defense but he was choking back each word. It felt like swallowing lead.

I don’t want you to leave. He wanted to say, but the words were held hostage behind clenched teeth. His fist balled at his side and he took each sentence that left TK’s mouth to heart.

“You’re right TK, clearly this isn’t about me. You making wild accusations about stupid Doctors isn’t about me, you standing in our kitchen looking like that isn’t about me, it’s about you.“ Carlos shook his head and felt a crack in his chest. “It’s about how you can’t even talk to me, it’s about how you see yourself and how mad you are that I don’t see you the same way.“ Carlos continued.

“Ive never claimed you’re perfect TK! I know you have flaws, but I don’t - you aren’t the sum of those flaws! You’re sweet and kind, you’re funny and wild, you can be frustratingly stubborn and messy as hell. I love you, not inspite of everything you’ve been through but because those things make you who you are. And I love who you are.”

Carlos stared at TK, and hunched his shoulders. “You are always so hard on yourself, and you never let me help you. You always want to do things on your own.” Finally he stepped closer to TK and rested his hand on his arm. “I see you TK, all of you and I love what I see.”

Logically, TK knew Carlos was right in a way that they both need to step back and not continue on because more often than not, TK had a tendency to say things first and then think later and beat himself over it. But at the same time, he also knew that if they didn’t address this now, there was a big possibility that Carlos would never talk to him about it again!

“What’s really been bothering you? Because I’m pretty sure it’s not the mess. It may have proved to be a tripping point, but clearly it’s way bigger than that” he couldn’t help but observe, his hands wildly gesturing as he often did when he was frustrated in communicating things and words weren’t quite enough.

He had expected Carlos to say something about the reason why he seemed stressed or upset or try to retreat some more. What he hadn’t expected was for him to take a whole different tangent and TK’s eyes widened the more his boyfriend spoke.

His heart warmed at that confession and the burden he had been carrying since understanding that the call has been of a patient Od’ing lessened a little. But nothing could have prepared him for Carlos’ absolute honesty and the conviction in his voice when he spoke.

He really believed TK would leave

Years of therapy allowed him to strangely formulate a question, he knew he shouldn’t ask but he couldn’t stop himself from voicing either. “I’m sorry you feel that way. “ He began swallowing thickly “I am sorry if I ever made you feel any less than being the most important person in my life. I am sorry if I ever made you feel loved less every time we have an argument like this. But…babe” calling him Carlos didn’t feel right, when he had always been TK’s babe. 

“How much of this is more than my actions? How much of this is how you see yourself? Because it seems to me like you are willing to love the hell of the mess I am in life, but you don’t do the same for you. You said to me right now, that you love me because of who I am, because of how everything has shaped me to be. Then why..” his voice softened as he moved to Carlos and grabbed his hands “why is it hard for you to imagine that I won’t do the same. I love you…I love all of you. And when I walk away, it’s not from you..I will never walk away from you Carlos.”

“Fine,” he said locking his jaw as he spoke. “You want to talk about it then let’s talk about it. You’re hiding something from me Tyler and I don’t like it. You’ve been distant all week, you’ve been crabby and short during our texts and every since I got injured you’ve been acting like I’m made of glass. It’s hard to imagine that this is all in my head!” He snapped, “so tell me what’s going on with YOU?!”

Carlos put his hands on his hips and stared at TK hard. “I feel like I’m going crazy, I can’t make sense of your actions. Yeah, I might have blown this out of proportion! But you’re the one who keeps bringing up the Doctor and acting like I’m looking at other options.” Carlos glanced at the couch and then at TK and he wanted so badly to bridge this.

“Can we just - can we stop accusing each other of stuff and just talk about this?” Carlos said, he gestured to the couch and arched an eyebrow. “Please.”

He felt like their fight was spiraling and if he could just get a hold on it maybe they could survive this. They could come out stronger. Otherwise, Carlos feared he would say something wrong and chase away TK.

TK’s words sliced through his chest and he took the words like a physical blow and he blinked as TK hurled the truth in his face.

He felt tears building in his eyes and he fought to choke them back. Even though he knew that was exactly what TK was talking about. But something was wrong, and he just didn’t know what it was. “I don’t know.” He said finally.

He didn’t want to hear what TK was saying because he knew he was right, this was Carlos’ problem and he was dragging TK into instead of dealing with it on his own. Like he always did.

“Maybe - maybe we should just table this.” He’s suggested. “Clearly you’re tired and I’m tired, and we should just go to sleep.” He said taking back his earlier suggestion of sitting down to talk about it.

How was he supposed to admit to TK that he wasn’t the person he thought he was. That there were times when Carlos just didn’t have it all figured out. That there were times he was so stressed and incapable of handling his emotions that he went off on his boyfriend for no real reason.

 “You have been just as distant over the week too, so much so that even Mrs. Nora noticed the tension and you know that woman is more oblivious than anyone! And don’t call me Tyler!” 

TK didn’t know why the sound of his name, said in that tone chaffed at him and he didn’t like it one bit. Carlos rarely called him than unless they were in the bedroom doing pretty enjoyable things. He certainly didn’t want the memory of that to be covered by him saying it now- in a way that told he was absolutely exasperated and done with him.

“And I won’t tell you what’s going on with me because apparently this communication street seems totally one-way. You wanna talk? We start with YOU this time” he argued back, vowing to not budge, not matter how much he wanted to give in just to end the fight and sleep the whole week off.

“I bring the doctor up as much as you do with the bartender. Do you think I’m looking for other options now?” he ground up, a part of him knowing that they were both literally not talking about the actual fight but simply throwing stuff in the air but not particularly caring for that realisation at the moment.

He had really thought that they both would be able to talk it out, but Carlos backtracking the way he did, made TK’s restless annoyance simply increase. At any other time, he may have pushed the matter, but TK felt already drained even before he entered the house and this fight left him even more exhausted than ever before.

So instead of fighting back, he simply nodded, speaking his agreement “Fine..we both are not working tomorrow, we’ll talk then.”

TK understood he probably wouldn’t get a wink of sleep tonight, and if he didn’t do something, his mind would come back to torture him about the boy they lost on call. He pulled his phone out, tapping it against his palm “You can go ahead..I’ll..I’ll come in a bit. Need to make a call” he explained walking towards the door and pulling it open. 

Right before leaving, he turned back, gaze intent on Carlos “I’m not leaving. I’ll be here in the yard” and without waiting for a reply shut the door and walked out.

He could admit this was his fault. He shouldn’t have snapped at TK, he should have bit back his anger, should have stuffed his frustration in a closet and locked the door until he could be normal again. He should have done anything other than what he had and now everything was falling apart. Again.

This is what happened last time too. A voice whispered in his head, and now he felt like they were living on borrowed time. How long was it going to be before TK realized Carlos was too much and left. How long before his job was too much. Too political, too dangerous, too unknown? Carlos swallowed the panic down his throat.

“I bring up the Bartender as a joke TK, not in the middle of a fight. Where you are so clearly annoyed and your first thought is me finding another man? How does that make sense? I don’t see the connection here!” He snapped. He pressed his thumbs into the edges of his eyes and took a couple deep breaths.

At first he was relieved by TK’s agreement to head to bed and then he was hurt by his decision to once again walk away. It made the hurt in the center of his chest deepen. The divide between suddenly felt bigger than ever, but he swallowed it down and nodded. “Fine - I’ll just be upstairs.”

Like you care. He thought but didn’t voice. He took the steps two at a time and barely glanced at his phone as he tossed it on the bed. He dropped down on the edge and sobbed into his hands. This was a mess a huge mess.

The phone chimed on the bed and he picked it up. He read the message from Nancy over and over again and his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest.

“We’ve had a couple OD victims this week. TK looked wrecked. Please take care of him for me.”

And instead of doing that, he picked a fight. He fought with TK when he needed him the most. His hands shook with self hatred and he took a couple minutes to breath before he ran down the stairs and out the door, it slammed shut behind him and he stumbled over to TK.

He took in his hunched appearance and felt sick. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly, kneeling down on the grass next to him. “I - fuck I’m so sorry TK.” He said reaching out to touch him but stopped at the last moment. For the first time, he wasn’t sure if his touch would be welcomed and it was entirely his own fault.

Because apparently it was something Carlos had been holding close, something that had been bothering him and instead of their usual- ‘let’s talk’, it had turned into something else.

Logically, he understood that fights were pretty inevitable but even normal in any relationship, but each one torn open a new wound in his heart and he felt incapable of fixing it. 

He had been texting his sponsor for the last 15 mins, talking about the call or just letting him text stuff. Although the offer for a phone call has been made, TK didn’t feel he was in a right space to talk at all.

His mind was a bloody mess, craving drugs when three hours ago, he had seen a direct proof of just what it had done. And how incredibly lucky he had gotten back in New York. He buried his head in his knee, letting the notification ping, trying to breath though this heavy emotions.

Their group in AA had been pretty accurate in stating that it would not be the best idea to get into a relationship, not just because of the chaos one went through, but also because it would be rather unfair to another person. TK had initially scoffed at that idea, not believing relationships were something that would happen to him anytime soon…but they again, he hadn’t expected someone like Carlos to stumble into his life and turn it upside down in the best way.

The thought of his boyfriend, made his throat ache and eyes burn with unshed tears but he stubbornly refused to cry. It was a testament of just how bad their fight had been as usually Carlos never let him stew for more than 10 minutes before he dragged them back into a conversation.

The slamming of the front door jerked him out of his thoughts and for a moment, hope flickered that maybe they’d get past the fight. But the moment he heard those words spoken by Carlos, understood the intent, he couldn’t help the absolute resignation settle deep within is bones.

They would be talking about him.

Again.

“You have nothing to apologise for” he replied, his voice harder than TK intended. “I think it is pretty safe to assume we have both had a week from hell at work.” 

And that was the crux, wasn’t it?

That for a long while, Carlos had put TK above him over everything and while initially he has basked in the romanticism of it, but now that reality was starting to set him, he understood just how unequal their relationship had become and just how draining it could get for Carlos before they’d be nothing left to give. And he refused to let that happen to them.

“Do you really feel like you can’t talk to me about your problems?” He turned to look at his boyfriend, digging his teeth into his bottom lips, guilt wrecking him when he saw his bloodshot eyes.

He had made Carlos cry.

And instead, he’d been an asshole. A complete jerk.

”Hey,” He said softly running his fingers over TK’s hand the moment it touched him. TK’s hands felt like a boon to his soul and he easily leaned into the touch. He loved TK so much, and suddenly in that moment, he didn’t care who was right or who was wrong, or that TK might leave him someday because TK was right in front of him, hurting. While Carlos picked at scabs and made everything that much harder.

It was strange how the sudden severity of the moment could override everything else, his need to protect TK taking a center stage to all his anger and fear. He was such a shit boyfriend and he easily tugged TK into his arms and held him tightly.

“This week has been hell and I’m sorry I took my bad mood out on you.“ He said softly, rubbing TK’s back as he spoke. He wished he could take it back more than anything.

“I‘m just I’m not good at talking about my feelings and it’s not about you…” Carlos shook his head he didn’t want to talk about himself when TK so clearly needed him, but if this was the only way to get him to be honest, then Carlos was just going to have to learn to share his feelings and hope for the best.

“Look, can we talk inside. For real this time. I don’t think sitting outside in the cold is good for either of us.” He glanced down at TK’s phone and noted his sponsor’s name. “Do you need me to give you a minute?” He asked, knowing that sometimes TK liked to collect himself after talking with them.

“I can wait near the door if you do.” He offered un-willing to let him out of his sight now that he had messed up so majorly.

The moment TK began to cry Carlos’ heart broke even more. “Hey - you didn’t - this isnt your fault TK, this is on me, because I’m -“ so hard to love. “Me.” He finished.

He couldn’t bring himself the say the real truth out loud, to voice his deepest fears, but he knew he would have to share them soon, and he just had to trust that TK would overlook his flaws and love him regardless.

THIS

This was the reason TK had rushed home from the shift, the reason he wasn’t completely dismantling, the reason despite the day and the fight, he suddenly felt incredibly warm and safe.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Carlos, pressing a soft kiss on his shoulder and just breathing in his familiar scent. “Our shifts not aligning didn’t help either. We didn’t see each other for more than an hour this week” he quietly observed, nodding in response to Carlos’ words.

In the year since he had met and know Carlos, TK had seen him hold his cards close to his heart, rarely opening up the most vulnerable parts of himself. In a way, TK knew he was to blame too, he had played hot and cold with him at the beginning. Plus he had never wanted to force Carlos to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with or wasn’t ready for, but it seemed evident by their fight that they’d need to work more on communicating with each other.

“I understand..and I know how uncomfortable and hard that can be..but I just want you to try as much as you are ready and willing”

Agreeing to Carlos, he picked up the phone and texted his Sponsor, thanking him for the time and advice and slowly picked himself up. “No..I’m good. Let’s go inside and talk.” This time, he intertwined his fingers with Carlos’ as he slowly got up from the ground

He had seen his own parents fight and then hate each other for days, but as he chanced a glance at his boyfriend now, he could say with absolute certainty that there was not an ounce of hatred anywhere, never had been. They may drive each other crazy at times, but when they needed each other most, they could toss every difference aside. Like Carlos had done tonight.

And it completely warmed TK’s heart.

His forehead creased in a frown at Carlos’ words and he shook his head. “You are allowed to have bad days Carlos, like anyone else. You don’t have to feel wretched because it bleeds out into our relationship. We both know how many of those I’ve hard in the past year.” TK reminded him, squeezing his hand 

“I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll look at you and not love you. You may piss me off somedays, annoy the shit out of me like I am sure I do to you, but I’ll also always love you just as fiercely.”

Carlos had spoken similar words when TK had been going out of his mind with the news of his dad’s cancer and had snapped more than once at him. Sure he hadn’t confessed his love and he hadn’t been passive about his behaviour, but he had opened a safe space for TK to completely break down that sturdy wall of emotions and trust that they’d be someone there to catch him. 

It was stupid that he was letting work and his emotions surrounding it cause him this many problems. Especially with TK and he realized he needed a better outlet. Letting TK was just the start, after that… he didn’t know what the next step was but he would be willing to try.

He didn’t want to keep throwing his emotions out at his boyfriend. He just wanted to be a good partner, someone TK could count on, and love fully.

“You’re right, not seeing you sucked.” He admitted, “but I want you to feel like you can tell me things like this, and I am sorry I haven’t been supportive enough for you to feel safe sharing that with me. But I promise I’m here for you.”

Carlos pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head and rubbed the back of his neck lovely.

He nodded along to TK’s word in agreement and then stood up off the ground. He ignored the wet spot on his knees and knew that TK’s backside was probably also wet. “Maybe you should take off those pants when we get inside. Otherwise you might get sick.” He suggested.

He grabbed TK’s hand and pulled it up to press a soft kiss to the back of it. He was so amazed by TK. His care and love shone so brightly.

“Thank you, for being so amazing and on it. I love you so much and I’m so amazed by your care and grace.” He lead him towards the house and putted him towards the sofa.

Over the span of the year, TK had leaned heavily on Carlos for many things, blindly falling with the absolute faith that he’d catch him and Carlos had never disappointed him…not once.

Even today, although they had been fighting, the moment he understood that TK needed him, he’d thrown everything aside to just be there.

“Please..” TK began hating how Carlos instinctively blamed himself. “ You have always been supportive and it wasn’t like I didn’t want to tell you, but we rarely got half hour together and I wanted to forget everything else and just be with you”

He followed Carlos inside, settling on the couch before looking down at his clothes. “I think I’ll better change into something more comfortable and we can cuddle in bed? That way we won’t have to move at all”

Their bedroom was their space, intimate and a place that belonged just to them. TK hoped laying there in each other’s arms would make the conversation easier.

Why couldn’t he have just allowed TK to have a moment before he fucking went off on him. He couldn’t take it back now, but Carlos feverishly wished he could.

He twisted his fingers at his side and nodded at TK in understanding. “Do you want to talk about it? About what’s going on? And how I can help support you in the future?” He asked keeping his tone light and open. “We should have a code word, for bad days, something we can text each other to let the other know how we are feeling.”

A code word might have been a lot, but Carlos thought it might be easier than speaking at length. Especially when both or either of them were emotionally exhausted.

Carlos watched TK stand up and quickly stood up with him, despite his guilt he was glad they had words, glad that maybe now they could talk more openly about things.

Well… if he was honest… he would prefer TK was the one doing the talking but clearly that had been bothering his boyfriend so now Carlos would work on actually talking to him.

“Sure, I think cuddling sounds good. And then we can feed you something small before bed.” He said.

He followed TK up the stairs and frowned as he threw his clothes directly into the hamper. Guilt churning in his stomach again. He never wanted to be that person, the person that made TK feel like he had to change himself to be happy with Carlos… and now here they were.

He changed into a pair of short boxers and tossed his own clothes into the hamper. He didn’t bother with a shirt because it was hot at night, and he preferred to sleep without one.

“I think your idea of a code word is actually pretty good. ” He confessed, almost speaking against his skin before moving back a little to look at Carlos.

“We both often need time to sort things out in our head so we can have that to let each other know.”

TK shut his eyes deeply breathing in, just grounding himself in the moment and for the conversation they’d be having. Speaking like this, when they were together, holding each other felt absolutely comforting.

He had been rather quiet when Carlos had spoken but now in their safe space, he felt the tight hold on his heart loosen a little, making it easier to articulate his emotions without completely shattering.

“I think I’ve been pretty selfish in our relationship.” TK began, his fingers moving to the warm skin of Carlos’ back “And maybe you don’t feel that way, but I have always been the one doing the bulk of taking things from you. Sure, you have always been giving, but I think it’s unfair and something I’d really like to work on changing”

His eyes met the soft brown hues of Carlos, a year in making every expression there easier to understand. He could see the pain and guilt, both emotions he wished Carlos wouls not feel. But he always had a big heart and pushing him into not feeling made TK feel he was disrespecting his innate nature.

“Well… you’re not wrong is not wanting to come home to a mess. So we can compromise on that. It is our house” he emphasised, smiling slightly to show Carlos that he had not taken his earlier words to heart. “and it won’t took Strand- lived without some mess, you know. So don’t worry. Some chaos will always be seen around here”

Blowing a breathe, TK dug his teeth into his bottom lips thinking on how to articulate his thoughts next. He really didn’t want to open up first, not because it was a sort of compensation but he knew Carlos would take more interest in taking care of him and they’d never get anywhere with that.

He leaned into TK’s embraced and hummed as he felt his fingers in his curls. “I love you,” he told TK, as he opened his eyes and regarded him. “And a code words work for everything, so we should come back to that when you are ready.” He suggested.

It made his heart clench when TK began talking. When he thought he was the selfish one in their relationship. Automatically Carlos opened his mouth to argue but stopped, and listened to TK’s words. It was better to hear him and take it all in then pointlessly defend him. Especially as TK seemed to know he would disagree.

“You’re right. I don’t feel like that. You always take care of me TK. You listen to me ramble, you ask how I’m feeling, you’ve been so good to me, and I’m glad you feel the same way. But I hope you realize that just because I’m an asshole doesn’t mean you need to take full accountability for something you didn’t do.” Carlos was remiss to think that his thoughtless words had impacted TK so much.

He dropped his hand to TK’s hip and rubbed his thumb along the seem of his pjs. He continued to rub methodically as he thought over his words and actions. He felt ashamed to have reacted so strongly over something so foolish. To make TK feel guilty over it just felt petty.

“Thank you for saying that TK, but please don’t act like you have say that to appease me. I know I was being a jerk, and Im being honest when I tell you that normally it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve just - I was lashing out at you for no reason and that’s not okay.”

He dropped his gaze down toward TK’s chest and thought over his words carefully. TK was asking him for honesty and a window into his heart, and Carlos would never deny him that. Even if he really wanted to hide all those bruises and broken pieces of himself.

“Lately I feel like I just can’t catch my breath. I got suspended, and I was barely reinstated before the arsonist event, then I had to take more time off. And it’s been hard. We’ve been working so many cases and all ones I’ve worked are being doubly scrutinized. My Captain is acting like I’m a Rookie again, and keeps checking up on me. And I’m getting push back from other colleagues. It just sucks.” He ran a hand over his face and then rested his head against TK’s shoulder.

“And I love you too Carlos. So fucking much. And I won’t walk out of the relationship ever neither will I let you go. The only way you can make me leave is explicitly telling me. And even then we’ll probably end up fighting.” He let out a soft sigh, snuggling closer to Carlos “I just wish I’d have done a better job of meaning my ‘love yous’. I’ll work on it babe. I promise.” he rubbed his back lowering his lashes. “You know, just like I seek you out for reassurance, you can always come to me. No matter how many times you need it, I’ll be here Carlos.” 

TK knew he’d definitely need to make an appointment tomorrow, not just to deal with the OD’s he had seen that week, but also in order to gain more clarity about their relationship. A session or two with Carlos sounded good too, and TK knew his boyfriend wouldn’t refuse but he wanted him to be completely comfortable with that idea. People weren’t always open or comfortable with the idea of baring themselves to a random stranger and while he had been of great help to him, he understood that only therapy wouldn’t be enough.

“It’s fine babe. I don’t think either of us were our best self this entire week. Did it suck? Yeah…but I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this.” TK reassured pressing a soft kiss to his chest. “I think if anything, it showed us that we need to work more on our communication. And you are still here, holding me when I need you the most. The moment you understood it, you threw our differences aside and rushed to comfort me. That means a lot Carlos.” He softly gazed into his eyes with a small smile “So no, you weren’t totally an asshole”

TK himself had lashed out at anyone when things weren’t working in his life. So he exactly understood where Carlos was coming from. Afterall, he had reacted to his dad’s arrest by shoving Carlos and then snapping at anyone who came near him. “Alright babe. But honestly, if something bothers you, do talk to me love and we’ll figure it out. This is your house as much as it is mine. So you are entitled to your own comfortable space too”

He heard with absolute seriousness when Carlos began talking, his heart breaking for his boyfriend. He knew how good of a cop he was, how sincerely he did his job and for people to treat him that way made TK mad. “I’m sorry you are going through this babe. The whole precinct seems to forget that if you hadn’t acted the way you did, either Mitchell and you would be blown up along with the suspect, because we knew the bomb was real” TK took a breath hating even the thought of not having a world without Carlos Reyes “or the 126 would have been in serious trouble. If you hadn’t saved us, coming when you did” He pressed a soothing kiss to his forehead before rubbing their noses together. 

“If there is anything I can do to make you feel better, you tell me. We are a team remember and I’ll always be here for you” 

His lips thinned at hearing Carlos say that he’d lock it up and TK pinched his side in admonishment. “Hey! None of that now. I can totally understand how work might bleed right into our personal life. This week has been hell for both of us and it has effected it. So I don’t think it is realistic or fair to have that black and white line there” 

It was a simplistic idea, but Carlos figured simple might be there best option. He glanced at TK and lifted an eyebrow in curiosity. “Although I’m open to any suggestions you might have.”

The small smile that broke on his face turned into a wide grin at TK’s words, and it only got wider and more misty eyed as he continued speaking. “Thank you for saying that TK, I needed to hear it. I know logically you would never leave without a good reason, it’s just sometimes… my brain tells me that I’m wrong.” Carlos wasn’t happy admitting it, but he knew he needed to be honest.

He pulled back a little and stared at TK with a questioning look. “What does that mean? Were you -“ he broke off and shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Can you explain what you mean about the “I love yous” am I - did I pressure you into saying it too early?” It didn’t sound right, but Carlos had to be sure. Even if it was true that TK said I love you first, what if he only said that because he thought that was what Carlos wanted to hear?

“It’s not fine. Don’t give me a free pass for acting like an asshole. I need to be just as accountable as you are. So please, accept my apology, but know that you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” Carlos stared at TK imploringly. He wanted him to understand that he was worth more than gold to Carlos. He loved him so much, and he never wanted to be the person to cause him pain.

“And I’m always going to throw aside anything when you need me TK, without care. I love you and I want to be someone you can count on to support you. Whatever that means to you.”

He took a deep breath and let out a relieved sigh as TK touched him. He’d always loved cuddles but there was something about TK that centered his soul.

“Besides I think I was channeling my mother there for a second.” Carlos admitted with a grimace. “She was always yelling at me to keep my shoes in the right spot and all my things in their place. I think I had the cleanest room of any teenager ever.” He explained smiling at the thought. “I bet yours looked like it got hit by a tornado.” He teased.

He loved that they could banter like this. And share their feelings. It was pretty amazing. And it made it that much easier for Carlos to open up about work.

“Thank you for letting me talk about this… it just bothers me that they don’t trust me anymore.” Carlos glanced down at the bed spread and sighed a little. “I mean even my Dad thought I was stupid…” he shook his head. He had been right and that was what was important. “I just wish they had more faith in me.” He glanced up at TK and smiled softly. “Although I will admit I didn’t care about a single thing as soon as I knew you were in danger. I knew I couldn’t live without you then.”

And he was damn lucky that hopefully he would never have too.

“I really want to try and be more open TK, it’s just hard for me. It easier to lock everything away because no one gets hurt but me. I mean look at this mess I made tonight. I just wish I had better control of it.” He felt so ashamed of his actions that he couldn’t even look TK in the eye.

“And that’s on me, I’m the one that needs to address these issues. I couldn’t live with myself if I pushed you away and made you feel like I don’t trust and love you.” He continued, with a soft voice. “I don’t know maybe I should see a therapist or something.”

He glanced up at TK then and waited for his reaction, he hoped it would be positive but he wasn’t sure.

“But TK… you don’t really think I’d be better off with someone else right? Like you know that you make me so happy and that I have never felt more loved than I do with you right? I know we joke about the Doctor and the Bartender and the Baker… but you know that I would never ever betray you like that right?”

“I’m sorry about the whole dinner thing. I promise I’ll eat whatever you cooked in the morning” The guilt was pretty evident in his tone, and TK hated that Carlos had gone through all that trouble, especially with his own shift being far from easy, just to have TK refuse the food. “I don’t ever want to take you or our love and this relationship for granted babe” he murmured softly resting his face against Carlos’ chest. 

His eyes closed for a moment, as the contentment that had been absent for an entire week filled his very being. He was beyond grateful to have this sort of home with Carlos, and though he knew that it was naïve to expect the craving to just disappear one day, he was confident that he’d work through it successfully, especially with the kind of support and love he received from Carlos.

His boyfriend’s words however, pulled him from his reverie and TK’s eyes widened. “No..absolutely not..that is not it at all” he rushed to reassure Carlos, pulling himself up a little to lean over him. “I was very serious and sure when I said it then and since. Every time I say it, I mean it from the bottom of my heart babe. I love you so much.” his voice wavered slightly, emotion clouding his tone “You have never once pressured me into doing anything. When I said I should mean my ‘I love yous’, I meant I should work on showing them in a more tangible way than just words.”

He let out a soft sigh and let his eyes drift around their bedroom as he spoke “My dad was all about grand gestures, big things like fancy dinners or expensive gifts, but over this year, I have really been learning that it’s all about the supposedly small thing” 

Turning his head, his fondly grinned at Carlos “Like setting the alarm half hour early simply because I hate you leaving me without cuddles and kisses, going out of your way to my favourite shop just to get me Boba tea even though you think it an abomination, setting up a bubble bath when you heard that I had a hard shift” His fingers caressed Carlos’ cheeks, the love he felt for him, spilling over and trailing from his eyes. “You show me your ‘love yous’ in everything you do and I just want to reciprocate equally, in the same way, filling up your heart with so much joy that you wouldn’t know what to do with all that happiness.”

Nodding in understanding, he intertwined his fingers with Carlos’ and pressed a warm kiss on his knuckles “Alright then, I accept your apology. Can you please stop calling yourself an asshole now? Because trust me I have encountered quite a few in my life and you come nowhere near that definition”

TK shook his head, his eyes misting over at Carlos’ promise of being there “You have no idea how much those words mean to me…You mean so much to me babe. And with absolute seriousness, I wouldn’t be here where I am today without you.” He pressed a warm kiss on his chest, right where Carlos’ heart was beating a steady rhythm “I may have done some work in my recovery, but the strength to pull though difficult days, or even easy days wasn’t always my own. Even when we were just friends, you caught me each time I fell and kept me safe.” His fingers gently rubbed mindless patterns on his back, as TK’s emotions spilled over “And I can never thank you enough for that”

Carlos speaking about his mother lightened the atmosphere considerably and TK couldn’t help but laugh, picturing a stern Andrea and sweet young Carlos obeying her. “Oh absolutely” he playfully quipped in response to his observation “My room was a mess but I am sure if my dad had been home for more than 24 hours and played a little more attention, he’d have grounded me. And when he re-married, I was moving between my parents for them to really pick on my cleaning habits” Snorting at that memory, he teasing poked Carlos’ nose. “Maybe I should convince you to make a mess once a while. Drag you to the dark side.” 

Though that teasing slowly gave way to absolute displeasure at everyone in APD, especially Major Reyes. A part of him really itched to go off at him, but knowing much discomfited Carlos might be, TK had held his tongue in the other man’s presence. “You can always talk to me about this babe. And I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. You saved a lot of life by making that call and trusting in your gut that day. And..it sucks a lot that those around you didn’t have faith in you, but..I am so proud that you stuck to your decision. Your faith in yourself saved me and everyone else Carlos..so never let that go” He hugged him closer, running his fingers through his hair “Plus if it gets too much, let me know. I am always here for you babe..in whatever way you need”

He was glad they were talking, learning to open up and TK recollected how his therapist had mentioned that not all arguments were necessarily negative. 

Shaking his head at his boyfriend’s portrayal, TK began to seriously talk, his arms tight around Carlos. “It may seem momentarily easy to lock it all up but it is never going to stay that way. Plus nothing “ he emphasized lightly poking his chest “absolutely nothing that causes you pain makes anything okay. I know you want to make thing easy and help people, but you don’t have to set yourself ablaze so that others can get the light and warmth”

He loved Carlos’ big giving heart, but a year in and TK knew that his boyfriend often didn’t have boundaries when it came to limiting himself. He’d never be presumptuous enough to advice him on how to behave, but TK hurt that Carlos though him being in pain was alright.

“I don’t want you to have control over anything babe. I just want you to be honest” TK continued, resting his head against Carlos’, taking a moment just to breathe in the comfort. “Our fight today seemed messy, but like my therapist often says, it is a required mess. This fight was just an instrument that showcased the areas that need more attention and work. We came out of it because we were willing to do it and this make our relationship more healthy.” TK softly pointed out.

“Only the emotion of love isn’t enough you know…I mean I know my parents loved each other, maybe they even do now, but without the conscious effort to work on their differences, the way we are doing right now, just love wouldn’t be enough to sustain a relationship. It is certainly the root, but it requires supplements to foster its growth too.”

He pressed warm kisses all over Carlos’ face before hovering over his lips, whispering his words “So please, as much as I absolutely don’t like fighting with you, we are both humans who are different and this will probably also happen in the future. But we are both here in each others arms, absolutely willing to do what it takes to make this work, and our love is sustained by our support and the respect we have for each other..so please” TK softly reiterated “Let out of the guilt. There was no mess made and there won’t be any in the future. You or your emotions will never be too much for me, will never push me away. We are a team remember. I’m gonna hold you to that”

TK’s eyes softened at Carlos’ admission and he squeezed his hands “Sure babe, if you want that we can totally do that. I’ll always support you no matter what you decide. You can look up therapists you feel comfortable with or I can ask around and get us a list and then you can take a session to see how it feels. The important thing is that you do this for you babe and that you are a 100% comfortable. Our relationship is not conditional to you always being your best self okay”

He didn’t know just how he got so lucky with Carlos, but here he was, even after a day from hell, feeling surrounded my so much love and comfort, that his heart felt full. “I know you’ll never betray me like that Carlos. I Know you and trusting you has been the easiest thing I have done. And somedays, I do struggle with my insecurities and self-worth” TK confessed wanting to be honest and transparent “And that has nothing to do with you, but my own life and experiences, but it’s really getting better. You being here makes it better”

He moved closer to Carlos, smiling brightly at his boyfriend “You know what will really make me feel absolutely amazing? A kiss from the love of my life. I haven’t had one yet and that needs to be rectified immediately” he teased lightly, the stress and anxiety from the day almost flushing out of his system.

They laid there for a while, just basking in the peace and comfort of each other’s presence, before TK let out a sigh and pressed his body against Carlos, seeking his physical touch.

“I am sorry for overreacting earlier, but you understand why I was worried right? When you didn’t come to dinner that night I was so concerned, and to find out you were kidnapped,” he winced at the thought, “I know that it happened to you and Tommy and Nancy, but you understand that I care about you, and when bad things happen to you, it feels like they happen to me too.” He hoped this was coming out right, and not at all like he was trying to steal TK’s trauma.

He ran his thumb along TK’s inner wrist and felt his pulse point, then stared at him with a soft expression. He loved moments like these, where they could lay together and just talk. It was an element of romance that he had never experienced before. A perfect moment that always left him feeling stronger and more connected, and he was remiss that he hadn’t tried it before. Instead of acting like a jerk.

“You don’t take me for granted TK, or our love, at least I never feel like you do. I worry when you don’t eat, especially after a hectic shift, but please don’t feel like you have to eat what I make. I can cook something else light, or order something, I don’t mind. But your health is important, and you’ve burned far to many calories to not eat anything at all.” Carlos brought his hand up to stroke the back of TK’s head and kissed it gently. “Will you let me feed you something light?” He asked and smiled slowly, “I can use Marlon Blendo and make you a peanut butter and banana smoothie?” He suggested.

He felt glad that Owen had given him that little recipe so that he could make TK’s favorite beverage whenever he wanted it. Especially because Owen seemed to think that TK lived off of those things. So maybe he could bribe him with it.

He sighed contently and dropped his head on TK’s. He enjoyed their closeness. He loved the warmth that seemed to spread from TK to him, a phenomenon called heat transfer, that always left him feeling closer than ever to his boyfriend.

He would be lying if he didn’t say that TK’s response to his question didn’t make him feel a thousand times better. He was glad that he hadn’t pressured him at all. “I don’t agree with you, I think you show your love plenty. I never feel like you don’t TK. You may not cook me meals all the time, or wake up early to cuddle me, but you show it in other ways.”

Ways that left Carlos equally fulfilled and yearning for more at the same time.

“Like when you show up to my work with lunch and a gorgeous smile, how you always take care of my car even though you secretly think I’m crazy, I’ve seen you washing it and shining it at the station, even though you complain that I won’t take it through the car wash.” Carlos shook his head with a laugh. “The way you cling to me in the mornings.” He pressed a soft kiss to his forehead. “Stop underestimating yourself. I see how much you love me, and I love you just as much.”

Carlos squinted his eyes in a smile, “your dad may be all about big gestures, and some of his big gestures are a little panic inducing, so I think we should take his advice with a grain of salt.”

His fingers slid into TK’s hair and he took comfort from their closeness. “Love doesn’t always look the same to everyone. For me, it is the way you ask me how I’m feeling, how you never leave me out. How you accepted my offer to host the 126 hangs without worrying that I might embarrass you or say the wrong thing. Those are the things I find most compelling and they make me feel safe in our relationship.”

Truthfully Carlos had never been willing to be this open with anyone else, and maybe he cursed his past relationships by not opening up, but none of them had ever stayed long enough for him to trust it. So he felt incredibly lucky to be loved by TK.

“I can’t make any promises TK, I call em like I see em, and I was acting like an ass-errr-jerk,” He corrected, “so I need to call myself out. But thank you for accepting my apology.”

Carlos smiled at TK and accepted his hand at the center of his chest, he felt warmed by his love and the care that he showed. “I’ll always be here to catch you TK, just as you do to me. But please next time you need me, let me know, Nothing is more important to me than you are.” He said honestly.

And he felt the mood lighten, even as he winced at his own memory. “It’s scary TK, am I going to turn into my mom,” he grimaced, “or worse my dad! Next thing you know I’ll be obsessed with work, and forget to tell the people I love about crazy arsonists.” He grinned a little, even if the memory wasn’t pleasant, he felt better being able to joke about it. “But no, you won’t be converting me to the dark side, I’ll be converting you to the way of the Jedi.” He grinned.

Clearly he had been spending too much time with Mateo.

He stared at TK for a moment, and sighed deeply. “I know I can, I just don’t want to bombard you with my job. I know it can be a lot, and so far we’ve had luck, but it’s not always going to be this way. I’ve been shot at, stabbed, and had broken bones, my job is dangerous and I don’t want it to be too much. Or feel like too much.” He admitted. “I know I was right this time, but what if the next time I’m wrong. What if I can’t do this job.” Admitting that felt like being stabbed again. A white hot sear that ached in his chest. Hearing TK assure him that he would love him no matter what soothed the ache. But didn’t dismiss it entirely.

As his emotions sprung up, he knew without a doubt that he should probably see a therapist. Even if he didn’t know if he could do it on his own. He had to try, because he didn’t want to ruin their relationship with past issues.

“Thank you for saying that, I love you so much and I know you’ll be here no matter what. Or, at least I know that usually. I think it’s time I saw one, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being nervous, would you be willing to go with me?” He knew it was a big ask, but he felt comfortable enough to make it.

Carlos stared at TK gently as he spoke, and he rubbed his cheek bones. “I’m glad you trust me, but if you ever feel like you are struggling with your self worth and confidence please let me know. I’ll assuage it, and shower you with affection.”

Carlos spoke firmly. “I love showering you with affection and I’m always going to be here for you. You can talk to me about anything and I’ll still be here for you.”

A grin spread over Carlos’ face, matching the expression on his boyfriend’s face. “Oh really, just a kiss? I think I can do that.”

He pressed a gentle kiss to TK’s lips and then he pulled back to offer him a soft smile. He stroked his cheek and then leaned in for a deeper, more passionate kiss. He slipped his tongue into TK’s mouth and kissed him deeply.

Once they parted he wrapped an arm around his waist and sighed contently. He loved holding TK. Loved being this close with him. But nothing could have prepared him for the next words out of his mouth. He could only imagine how horribly a week it had been for TK.

“I’m so sorry honey, I know how hard that must have been for you, for all of you.” Losing a patient was hard enough, but losing one to an OD… now that had to be gut wrenching.

“Please talk to me TK, tell me what’s going on in your head? Are you having cravings? Do you need anything?” He asked running his hands through his hair. “I’m here for you darling, and I’m never letting you go.”

“I understand your worry babe and that’s exactly how I feel too. Entering the house and seeing you with that arsonist felt like a personal attack on me, although you made sure I was absolutely safe.” He hated thinking of Carlos being hurt in any way, and didn’t even imagine how he’d feel if he ever heard that his boyfriend had been kidnapped. Pressing a comforting kiss on his brow, he nodded along “Yeah..that was a horrible day. For a moment, I really thought I wouldn’t see you again but then you were there, pulling me in your arms and everything was alright again”

The way Carlos cared made him feel so special and warm. Right from the time they met, TK had felt like a special victory, anytime Officer Reyes would look at him with those soft eyes. He had forever regretted disregarding Carlos’ feeling the night he had first made them dinner and vowed to always respect the care he took in preparing every meal.

“Please...I love everything you make, the light, the heavy, the easy, the complex. It’s like your hands have this magic and your food nourishes my soul” TK knew he was probably sounding like a smitten sap now, but he couldn’t help but appreciate Carlos’ cooking. “It’s just that today, I can think of nothing but the figure of that kid and I feel like I’ll puke anything I’ll put in my mouth” He took in a measured breath, attempting to push aside that intense feeling of failure and just concentrate on being present in the current moment. “I promise I’ll eat something in a while..just not right now”

His lips curved into a bright smile at Carlos’ words, warmth filling his heart. He was incredibly dear and precious to TK , and he wanted to shower him with all the love in the world. “I love you too Carlos. And you’re right, Love doesn’t mean the same to everyone but I absolutely adore our brand of it and intend to keep it forever” Leaning closer, he pressed a soft teasing kiss against his check “Never gonna let you go babe. You’re stuck with me and my messy ways forever. Also” he pointed out poking Carlos’ side “I’ll never be embarrassed of you or whatever you say. I may be critical, especially when you call yourself a jerk” TK wrinkled his nose at that term “but I have never been embarrassed. You are amazing and I’ll keep saying it as many times as required to get that into that somewhat stubborn loveable head of yours”

Laughter bubbling out of his lips, TK shook his head, waving a finger in front of him. “I doubt your whole Major Reyes move is gonna last in front of my seduction” he teased, happy that they had talked their differences out together and could cuddle and be in each other’s space. “Hmm..Jedi you say. We’ll see Carlos, we’ll see. You aren’t the only one with the ‘curly hair & glasses’ move. Though, maybe I may be compelled to clean with you looking like that” He playfully winked, his mind filled with that memory, taking off the edge of the day.

Technically, TK knew that as a cop , Carlos literally had to face danger every single day, but it did nothing to stem the deep horror creeping in his heart. He didn’t want to imagine any of that ever happening to Carlos, but a part of him understood that it was the reality of the job they had chosen. “Carlos, there is never going to be a day where you or your job will be too much. I love you and that is not conditional to just easy days okay. I really hope you are eternally safe, but if anything does happen, I will always be by your side. You don’t have to shield that reality from my love. I know it happens, I have seen it happening with the arsonist, but you never have to deal with anything all by yourself”

His fingers caressed Carlos’ cheek, while anger simmered beneath at everyone at the precinct who had made him doubt his ability. “There are no guarantees with the kind of job we have, with just a split second window to make life-changing decisions” TK began with a soft sigh “but all we can do is trust that our head and heart are in the right place, and our gut and instincts know what they are doing. Absolute unbiased opinion, but you are a damn good cop Carlos. Some assholes, even in a position of more power, including your father doubting that due to their limited beliefs will not change that. It was a razor’s edge type thing- you’d have been under scrutiny whatever you would have done.”

Nibbling his lips, he started at his boyfriend for a minute, debating his next words, but saying them nonetheless “Our dads often have this aura of being invincible, but we have seen them make major mistakes, something that could have easily cost us our homes and lives and sure, we are beyond pissed at them, but I don’t think it would change the fact that we know they are wonderful at their jobs...though I think I have enough of my dad playing detective to last me a lifetime”

He was incredibly proud of Carlos even wanting to try therapy, knowing from his own experience just how difficult that first step was. “I’ll absolutely come with you Carlos. And trust me, being nervous is absolutely normal. I remember the first time I saw one and the moment I sat in front of him, I was so completely blank- it was like, okay...I’m here. Now what” TK chuckled at that memory . “Whatever you choose babe, you are not alone okay. I’ll be here, in whatever capacity you need me”

Being this open, this vulnerable with someone was new, but since it was Carlos, TK never felt weird or uncomfortable. It all seemed natural to just talk about everything. His lips tipped into a small loving grin and he nodded “Yeah I’ll come to you, I promise. And I hope you’ll do the same. All this”  he continued gesturing between them “isn’t a reflection of our relationship. But an extra assurance never hurt anyone. Especially if it includes, your lips and hands on me” Wiggling his eyebrows, he let out a playful smile, the one usually reserved for when they got super handsy with each other.

Everything settled deep in his soul the moment Carlos pressed his lips against his own and TK spent a long moment, just kissing him, enjoying the feel of having Carlos thoroughly explore his mouth. When they pulled apart for air, his eyes had darkened. “We should have a new hour rule. Will not get a day go by without atleast giving each other 5 kisses”

The peace that settled around them made it easier for TK to finally open up as he talked to Carlos about their attempts to save the boy, how the boy’s father had almost landed a punch on him and those harsh words- accusing TK of being a failure, unable to do his job well, of saying he didn’t deserve to live while he had failed to save his son and let him die.

To say that it had been a week from hell was an understatement.

For the first time since forever, TK felt hesitant in getting home. Not only had he and Carlos been on opposite shifts, but there seemed to a sort of distance growing between them. They had hardly spoken, couldn’t get enough time to text and catch up and hadn’t even kissed each other properly since three days.

TK took a moment to stem his shaking hands as he breathed in deeply. They had been called to three OD’s this week and none of the patients had survived. He had been benched for the first one at the beginning of the week, but he had to get involved in the second and the third today.

It had almost seemed like the kid could survive and they had tried their level best but nothing had worked. He had been the one to deliver the news to the parents, almost escaping the man’s fist as he had lashed out at TK in anger.

He knew he could press charges and Nancy had been seconds from calling the cops but TK simply couldn’t. Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault and there was nothing he could have done, but his brain wasn’t in a mood to accept any rationality.

He felt like a complete utter failure…in his job, in his life, in his relationship….

It was evident Carlos had been stressed the entire week and every time TK would attempt to get him to talk, he’d try to divert the conversation or give the facts without touching the heart of the matter. And TK had tried not to push, not to be overbearing, but a vicious part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he had been the problem…especially since Paul apparently knew what had been going on and TK didn’t.

And that hurt more than he was willing to confess.

That combined with the restlessness that was vibrating under his skin, made everything absolutely difficult to deal with and a part of him craved oxy or vodka or anything to silence it all.

He swallowed those emotions and slotted the key, silently opening the door to their house. He mindlessly kicked his shoes near the door and moved to the fridge where they had their supply of ice-cream and got the cookies and cream out, and without bothering with any fanfare, inserted a spoon and directly started eating it from the carton.

TK knew that he should wash his hands, or atleast freshen up but his mind was so loud and his movements so jerky, he didn’t have the patience or inclination to do anything drown in sugar and sleep that off.

He wanted to talk to TK about it but his mood continued to worsen each day and Carlos didn’t want to add to it. He was afraid to add to it, afraid that it opened up too much he might scare TK off. He knew TK loved him, but the only side he’d ever seen was the confident cop Carlos, and the dorky lover, and maybe the soft gooey center, but he hadn’t seen Carlos stress, and that made it worse.

He didn’t want TK to see him like this, but with his world spinning out of control he was finding the frustration was leaking into every aspect of his life and he just needed a space to be content. Their home was usually like that, but lately it had been driving him crazy.

Dishes were piling in the sink, TK’s clothes and shoes strung out everywhere even though the shoe stand was near the door and the clothes hamper was easily accessible. Where Carlos normally grinned at his messy boyfriend, it was driving him crazy now. He would clean a space and then hurricane TK would come spilling in the door and mess it all up again.

And Carlos knew he wasn’t being fair. TK worked a hard job, and things had clearly been trying for him lately, but his brain wouldn’t let it go. Maybe it was the distance or the fact that the only piece of his boyfriend he had seen all week was the mess he left behind.

But Carlos felt a little crazy. He was sure the problem would go away, if he just got some time with his boyfriend. So he cleaned the house and he made a fancy dinner for TK and placed the plates in the stove and he waited for his boyfriend to arrive. And waited. And waited.

Worry knotted in his chest and he glanced at his phone again sending TK another range of messages. When he got nothing back he jumped up and ran up the stairs to grab his jacket and go in search of him, his heart pounded and suddenly he heard the door open. He dropped his jacket on the floor and then raced towards the stairs.

“TK?!” He called out hitting the bottom of the stairs and frowning at his boyfriend. “Why didn’t you call?!“ he snapped in his worry. And he winced at the tone. His voiced softened and he tried to be calm as he regarded TK. “I was worried.“

But the worry turned to annoyance as he looked around the room.

He looked at the ice cream and frowned. “You’re going to spoil dinner.” He added, then literally followed his trail around the house. He groaned and grabbed his bag from the floor, setting it on the table and then putting away his shoes. He sighed as he did so. He had just cleaned this place.

He had been staring so intently at the counter that he barely registering footsteps on the stairs and almost jumped out of his skin at Carlos’ loud tone.

His hand moved to his chest as he blinked in confusion at his boyfriend. Normally, they’d have already entered each other’s spheres and traded kisses and hugs but it seemed something was keeping them from doing that now.

“I texted you that I’d be late. Did you not receive it?” TK asked sucking on the spoon before dropping it in the sink and rubbing his hands on his pants.

He’d been in the process of moving towards Carlos but his steps halted as he saw his boyfriend clean up his mess and internally groaned.

The guilt increased at Carlos’ words and TK felt like an ass but mixed with that was also annoyance. He knew he was messy but he wasn’t incredibly messy either. Still he swallowed that emotion and trailed after Carlos.

“Sorry I’ll try not to do that too often” he offered knowing that promising outright would be a lie because TK would probably leave a mess in the future too.

But he had never heard Carlos snap at him either, first for the icecream and then the shoes. Even Owen all these years had never mentioned any of TK’s habits..Granted the man had been rarely at home but still…

It made TK feel like an errant child and he didn’t like it at all.

“But it’s not like I do it all the time. Are occasional lapses an offense now?” he countered sinking on the stool. The thought of food made him feel sick. He doubted he could stomach anything after today’s day.

Which made him panic, and then that made him angry, and then he was back at square one again. He knew he wasn’t being fair to his boyfriend, but it was like watching a bad accident, he couldn‘t stop himself.

“No, you didn’t text me, so I made dinner and when you didn’t show I didn’t know what to think.“ Carlos said, crossing his arms. ”I was just about to go looking for you.” He explained.

Carlos watched his boyfriend rub his dirty hands on his pants and rolled his eyes, sometimes he felt like he was dating a toddler. He was so messy, and cute, and normally he would have been all heart eyes, except he was stressed, and not handling it well at all.

“TK you do it all the time, I’m not holding my breath for you to suddenly stop.” Carlos said shaking his head at his dismissal. “I’m tired of cleaning my house everytime I come home.“ He said. It would have been nice if just once he could have come home to clean house and relaxed. Even better if his boyfriend had been home to greet him. In his annoyance he hadn’t been careful with his words and he didn’t notice what he had said.

Especially as he realized that TK wasn’t planning on eating. “You can’t work over 12 hours and not eat TK, I made dinner, if you don’t like it we can order out. But seeing as how you were just eating ice cream, surely you can eat something small.”

He turned his phone on and opened their text thread. While normally it would be filled with hearts and flirty messages, their communication had been stilted over the week. The text had been there apparently but had not been sent and TK groaned showing Carlos the screen “See I texted you but my phone didn’t have enough balance so it wasn’t sent. I’ll recharge it tomorrow”

Tossing it on the couch, he went to sit down when Carlos’ words stopped him short. Shock reverberated through his features along with an intense feeling of hurt settling somewhere deep within.

His house??

Is that how Carlos actually saw it? It did make sense since technically Carlos owned the place but he had always insisted on it being TK’s place too. And since moving in, Carlos had always called it their house.

So what had changed? Had he overstayed his welcome?

Echoes of his dad calling his mom a squatter came back and TK tried to fight against the gut churing panic. He never wants them to end up like his parents but Carlos taking back those promises of it being his space too felt like the worst sort of betrayal.

“Your house is it now?” TK shot back his emotions high “Well sorry to disappoint you but I’ve been living here for a while too. But it never was my house was it?” He snorted self-deprecatingly gesturing around the room “because newsflash Carlos I could drop my stuff however I wanted back at my parents. This is not a damn military camp with a rulebook I should be following! This is my home! Or so I thought. Guess I was wrong”

A fight was certainly not what TK was expecting but since his emotions were being directed here and not fixated on the body of that kid, he unconsciously began to feed into it.

“It was two spoonful of ice cream and trust me if I eat anything right now I’ll be throwing up. Don’t think you’d want that to happen to your precious floor now” he snarked back before dropping on the couch.

But the thought of TK being in danger had wrecked his chest, and he was so close to breaking down. He didn’t want anything to happen to him and he didn’t want TK to realize that Carlos was a giant mess. He’d been trying so hard to keep it under wraps and now it was spilling out of him.

“Wait - I didn’t mean for it to come out like that -“ Carlos tried to explain but TK’s anger drowned out his words and he wanted desperately to take them back but the more his boyfriend spoke the more his anger rose in his chest. Why was TK being so damn difficult? He didn’t understand and his anger was growing more and more.

“What the hell is wrong with you! I’m not saying everything has to be perfect I’m just asking you to keep your stuff in a place that isn’t everywhere. Why is that so hard for you to understand.” Thwas exactly what Carlos was afraid of, one lost grip and now they were spiraling. And TK - TK was going to leave.

Suddenly he felt icy terror rip through his chest. He was suddenly so sure TK wanted out.

“Really? Are you bringing up Doctor whatever right now because you think I’m so cheating bastard or because you want me to be?! You’re just looking for an exit!” Carlos snapped. “If you don’t want to date me anymore than just say it! Don’t hide behind someone else!”

Something it seemed that the universe wouldn’t give him. The anger of the boy’s father, the air of disappointment there bleeding into Carlos’ expression.

He looked around their space and save a few stuff seemingly displaced, TK literally couldn’t understand what mess his boyfriend was talking about. “It’s not like I don’t clean up! Or I’m like the worst messy person in the planet.” He defended angrily a part of him not fully comprehending the fact that Carlos was angry.

At him.

He had rarely seen Carlos lose his cool, neither on scene nor in their personal life and TK couldn’t understand just what was bothering him now. He had always been more messy than his boyfriend but Carlos had never mentioned anything.

“Is that how you’ve been feeling all this time?” He couldn’t help but ask in disbelief “because this…” he stated pointing out to his bag now on the table and the shoes on the floor “is not new. Is this getting too much? Am I getting too much for you?” TK cried out shooting up from his seat and pacing along the kitchen counter. “I..I don’t understand. What is going on?”

He was careful to maintain his distance, his memory of their last argument pretty vivid in his mind and he consciously kept his hands around his body. Technically TK knew he’d never lash out like that again but there was always done comfort in negating all possibilities.

Though apparently it was Carlos’ turn to deliver punches and TK felt like the ground had been ripped under him and he was falling

He gripped the counter to steady himself, opening and closing his mouth multiple times in an attempt to even process a fragment of that sentence.

“Why would I …” He began his voice shaking at the very thought that Carlos was tired of him, was disappointed in him, and maybe wanted an out.

He didn’t know how he’d survive that.

If he would survive that.

“When have I ever given you an impression I want an exit? Seriously!? Are you listening to yourself?” he could help let anger colour the tone of his voice, his eyes flashing “ Are you really accusing me of trying to paint you as a cheater? After you knew what happened the last time and what I’d gone through?”

A part of TK wanted to ask if Carlos wanted an exit but he was too scared to voice that thought out nd get a confirmation.

Carlos had always considered communication a corner stone of their relationship, ever since they had grossly miscommunicated in the beginning of their relationship, he felt like they had put in the work.

Only now, when he didn’t know how to say what he needed to say, he realized how wrong he had been. There was something so different about their fight right now. Unlike any of the ones they previously had. This one felt permanent, and relationship ending. Fear was thumbing through Carlos and making him stutter and short circuit.

“I know but it sucks to come home to a mess when you aren’t here!” Carlos ignored his better senses and continued to ride this crashing train. He should be being more honest. Should have been trying to bridge the gap between them.

“TK! No it doesn’t bother me normally, but when you aren’t here and I’m left with nothing but a mess after I’ve had a stressful day at work it gets on my nerves. You’re the only one trying to make this something it’s not!!” Carlos continued and the reason he thought was because TK hadn’t let go of reservations about them. TK was still holding on to them.

”You’re the one who keeps bringing up some stupid doctor that flirted with me! If I did that I’d be talking about 10 guys at least, but you’re the one who left me alone with him, you’re the one who was supposed to trust me! So why don’t you!” Carlos felt his hands start to shake. “Why don’t you trust me TK? What am I doing wrong?!” His voice broke a little.

“Then make me understand. What is going on?” He asked unable to understand just what was happening. It was rare for Carlos to even raise his voice, let along snap at anyone and the fact that he was doing both made TK feel like an absolute failure. Had the mess really been bothering Carlos this much? Because TK couldn’t figure out any other reason why his boyfriend suddenly decided to have a row with him.

So much for their promises of honest communication because it seemed like they were both on different ends of the spectrum with regards to this.

“What am I trying to make out of this exactly?” he voiced in frustration “because if this mess really bothered you, you could have come to me…i don’t know weeks ago and said something. You didn’t! How am I supposed to know Carlos? I am not a mind reader” He snapped trudging towards the shoe stand and harshly throwing the shoes in there before grabbing the hoodie placed on the back of the chair and bundling it. “Plus” he continued “I don’t expect you to clean up after me! I never have. Somedays are just…days you don’t wanna function”

With an annoyed sigh, he placed the scrunched up hoodie on the table before grabbing the dish soap and washing the spoon he had used, his movements angry and jerky.

Though apparently the issue wasn’t done and with growing horror TK heard every single word coming out of Carlos’ mouth. He had thought they were past this, that Carlos knew just how serious he was about them..hell! they had even playfully talked about marriage- something TK didn’t know he’d ever consider and to understand just how unsafe Carlos was feeling felt like a slap on his face.

He washed the spoon, letting the sound of running water fill the space for a moment as he tried to think of anything except Carlos’ words. That however did not prove to be a smart thing to do, as his mind instantly switched to the man’s harsh angry words that he had spat out at TK in pain.

You don’t deserve to live when my son is dead. You didn’t do enough. You didn’t do anything to save him

He grabbed the counter and shut his eyes, his mind literally not in a mood for any explanation and a part of him simply wanted to run away. But after their last fight, TK had promised that he wouldn’t do that so he had to struggle to speak something now.

“I can’t believe you right now” he muttered, pain and anger and exhaustion evident in his voice as he turned and pressed his body against the smooth marble in an attempt to ground himself and focus on the current moment than the mess that had happened 3 hours ago. 

“ I trust you! I have trusted you always! Have I not shown it enough? This isn’t about me not trusting you! It’s about me not…” deserving you.

But somehow he couldn’t voice that out aloud, knowing the moment those words were spoken in existence, they’d become a tangible thing that’d choke the breath out of him. And he had enough of that happening for the day.

Carlos swallowed thickly and looked at his boyfriend, he threw the breaks on a realized that he couldn’t continue this way. He was hurting him again.

“Nothing, I’m tired, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not that big of a deal TK - I’m just tired.” He started to pivot on his heels but froze as TK moved to angrily begin cleaning.

He watched his jerking reactions and the angry set of his shoulders and winced again. He did this, because he couldn’t keep hiding his imperfections. And now TK knew that.

“I just told you TK, it doesn’t bother me that much! I’m just tired I should go to bed.” He couldn’t believe he had let things spiral this far.

He had to admit that fighting with TK was zapping every ounce of strength he had left, and he wanted to end it now. But another part of him was scared that ending it would cause it to boil over. To follow them forever.

Then again… he had to know if TK was waiting to walk away. He couldn’t spend another day waiting for the shoe to drop. Which made it sound more common than it was. Normally Carlos wasn’t so afraid of that, but after his injury he couldn’t help but fixate on it.

And now here it was. TK was pissed and Carlos wasn’t helping it. He was just making it worse and worse.

“It’s about what? I don’t understand what else you could mean by that! How am I supposed to be taking these comments? Because it sounds like you trying to push me away. Trying to tell me to go off and date some other man? Or, at the very least accusing me of wanting to.” He snapped letting his anger lead his words.

“I don’t know what to tell you TK, I feel like there is something you aren’t saying! You come home after I haven’t seen you in a week and you don’t want to eat, you don’t want to talk to me, and you don’t care that I was worried about you.”

Apparently him going there would have saved him a whole lot of confrontation occurring right now.

His forehead crunched in thought and he could feel an intense wave of frustration rubbing against his skin. “No..you don’t get to say all this and then throw down the gauntlet because it becomes too difficult or something Carlos!”

 TK stated crossing his arms and leaning against the fridge, his body feeling drained from the entire day. “You keep saying I am not communicating and I don’t talk to you, but if we actually look at the amount of times either of us have really spoken about our feelings, I would have a bigger number. When have you ever talked to me about what was really happening inside?” he accused, his voice sounding both weary and upset. 

“And why exactly is that? Do you feel like you cannot talk to me? Do you feel like I won’t be open or react well?” 

He really wanted to understand just what was happening, hoping that Carlos of all people didn’t think him weak enough that he couldn’t come communicate his problems to him.

“Is it that you aren’t feeling safe enough in the relationship that you feel anything you tell me will make me walk out. Because from what I have been hearing you say in the last half hour, is that you don’t really trust me enough to stick around!” He pointed out, shaking his head, his gaze searching Carlos’ expression for any clue as to just what had happened since the moment he got in.

He heard his boyfriend’s words with increasing horror and seemed like every ounce of patience he had in the world was snapped out of him. TK for the life of him didn’t know just what he had done to give Carlos the impression that he wanted Carlos to date other people or that he was pushing him away. On the contrary, TK sometimes felt embarrassed by how clingy he could get.

“For the love of God, not everything is about you or my feelings for you!” he retorted angrily, eyes blazing “It is about me! My problems and the way I deal with stuff! It is about me looking at you and somedays feeling absolutely underserving of your love. It is about me looking at that damn doctor and thinking he wouldn’t have made a mess out of the relationship like I’m doing right now. I am not pure hearted or whatever pedestal you have put me on” He harshly ground out “This is me! I am not perfect and I am not organised- in life or emotion. THIS is who you are dating Carlos”

It badly shafted his heart that Carlos had actually accused him of not caring when in reality he was the one TK more cared about in his life. His eyes burnt with unshed tears and he took a shaky breathe, the fight completely leaving his body. 

What was left to say after words like that?

He shut his eyes for a moment, cursing that they didn’t have a spare bedroom he could hide in till he’d feel reasonable enough. But seeing as they didn’t, he’d have to face this head on and attempt to understand just why they were even fighting in the first place.

He was just so tired and ready for this fight to be over with, and he was torn. Between realizing his feelings were leaking out all over the place and knowing it wasn’t fair to be putting TK through this.

“Let’s just -“ He made an aborted step towards TK but froze as TK hit him in the chest with his words. It felt like a punch and Carlos touched the center of his chest like he’s been hit. He couldn’t believe that TK had reached right through him, had seen what he was hiding. He turned his back to him and tried to breath.

Just talk to him. His brain urged and he trembled in the spot. He was so on edge and TK hitting him in exactly the right spot only made it worse. He turned back to TK and tried to salvage this mess.

“I -“ He couldn’t even get the words out, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to have that problem, instead his words got sharper and Carlos felt every single one like a cut to his skin. And his hackles were raising in defense but he was choking back each word. It felt like swallowing lead.

I don’t want you to leave. He wanted to say, but the words were held hostage behind clenched teeth. His fist balled at his side and he took each sentence that left TK’s mouth to heart.

“You’re right TK, clearly this isn’t about me. You making wild accusations about stupid Doctors isn’t about me, you standing in our kitchen looking like that isn’t about me, it’s about you.“ Carlos shook his head and felt a crack in his chest. “It’s about how you can’t even talk to me, it’s about how you see yourself and how mad you are that I don’t see you the same way.“ Carlos continued.

“Ive never claimed you’re perfect TK! I know you have flaws, but I don’t - you aren’t the sum of those flaws! You’re sweet and kind, you’re funny and wild, you can be frustratingly stubborn and messy as hell. I love you, not inspite of everything you’ve been through but because those things make you who you are. And I love who you are.”

Carlos stared at TK, and hunched his shoulders. “You are always so hard on yourself, and you never let me help you. You always want to do things on your own.” Finally he stepped closer to TK and rested his hand on his arm. “I see you TK, all of you and I love what I see.”

Logically, TK knew Carlos was right in a way that they both need to step back and not continue on because more often than not, TK had a tendency to say things first and then think later and beat himself over it. But at the same time, he also knew that if they didn’t address this now, there was a big possibility that Carlos would never talk to him about it again!

“What’s really been bothering you? Because I’m pretty sure it’s not the mess. It may have proved to be a tripping point, but clearly it’s way bigger than that” he couldn’t help but observe, his hands wildly gesturing as he often did when he was frustrated in communicating things and words weren’t quite enough.

He had expected Carlos to say something about the reason why he seemed stressed or upset or try to retreat some more. What he hadn’t expected was for him to take a whole different tangent and TK’s eyes widened the more his boyfriend spoke.

His heart warmed at that confession and the burden he had been carrying since understanding that the call has been of a patient Od’ing lessened a little. But nothing could have prepared him for Carlos’ absolute honesty and the conviction in his voice when he spoke.

He really believed TK would leave

Years of therapy allowed him to strangely formulate a question, he knew he shouldn’t ask but he couldn’t stop himself from voicing either. “I’m sorry you feel that way. “ He began swallowing thickly “I am sorry if I ever made you feel any less than being the most important person in my life. I am sorry if I ever made you feel loved less every time we have an argument like this. But…babe” calling him Carlos didn’t feel right, when he had always been TK’s babe. 

“How much of this is more than my actions? How much of this is how you see yourself? Because it seems to me like you are willing to love the hell of the mess I am in life, but you don’t do the same for you. You said to me right now, that you love me because of who I am, because of how everything has shaped me to be. Then why..” his voice softened as he moved to Carlos and grabbed his hands “why is it hard for you to imagine that I won’t do the same. I love you…I love all of you. And when I walk away, it’s not from you..I will never walk away from you Carlos.”

“Fine,” he said locking his jaw as he spoke. “You want to talk about it then let’s talk about it. You’re hiding something from me Tyler and I don’t like it. You’ve been distant all week, you’ve been crabby and short during our texts and every since I got injured you’ve been acting like I’m made of glass. It’s hard to imagine that this is all in my head!” He snapped, “so tell me what’s going on with YOU?!”

Carlos put his hands on his hips and stared at TK hard. “I feel like I’m going crazy, I can’t make sense of your actions. Yeah, I might have blown this out of proportion! But you’re the one who keeps bringing up the Doctor and acting like I’m looking at other options.” Carlos glanced at the couch and then at TK and he wanted so badly to bridge this.

“Can we just - can we stop accusing each other of stuff and just talk about this?” Carlos said, he gestured to the couch and arched an eyebrow. “Please.”

He felt like their fight was spiraling and if he could just get a hold on it maybe they could survive this. They could come out stronger. Otherwise, Carlos feared he would say something wrong and chase away TK.

TK’s words sliced through his chest and he took the words like a physical blow and he blinked as TK hurled the truth in his face.

He felt tears building in his eyes and he fought to choke them back. Even though he knew that was exactly what TK was talking about. But something was wrong, and he just didn’t know what it was. “I don’t know.” He said finally.

He didn’t want to hear what TK was saying because he knew he was right, this was Carlos’ problem and he was dragging TK into instead of dealing with it on his own. Like he always did.

“Maybe - maybe we should just table this.” He’s suggested. “Clearly you’re tired and I’m tired, and we should just go to sleep.” He said taking back his earlier suggestion of sitting down to talk about it.

How was he supposed to admit to TK that he wasn’t the person he thought he was. That there were times when Carlos just didn’t have it all figured out. That there were times he was so stressed and incapable of handling his emotions that he went off on his boyfriend for no real reason.

 “You have been just as distant over the week too, so much so that even Mrs. Nora noticed the tension and you know that woman is more oblivious than anyone! And don’t call me Tyler!” 

TK didn’t know why the sound of his name, said in that tone chaffed at him and he didn’t like it one bit. Carlos rarely called him than unless they were in the bedroom doing pretty enjoyable things. He certainly didn’t want the memory of that to be covered by him saying it now- in a way that told he was absolutely exasperated and done with him.

“And I won’t tell you what’s going on with me because apparently this communication street seems totally one-way. You wanna talk? We start with YOU this time” he argued back, vowing to not budge, not matter how much he wanted to give in just to end the fight and sleep the whole week off.

“I bring the doctor up as much as you do with the bartender. Do you think I’m looking for other options now?” he ground up, a part of him knowing that they were both literally not talking about the actual fight but simply throwing stuff in the air but not particularly caring for that realisation at the moment.

He had really thought that they both would be able to talk it out, but Carlos backtracking the way he did, made TK’s restless annoyance simply increase. At any other time, he may have pushed the matter, but TK felt already drained even before he entered the house and this fight left him even more exhausted than ever before.

So instead of fighting back, he simply nodded, speaking his agreement “Fine..we both are not working tomorrow, we’ll talk then.”

TK understood he probably wouldn’t get a wink of sleep tonight, and if he didn’t do something, his mind would come back to torture him about the boy they lost on call. He pulled his phone out, tapping it against his palm “You can go ahead..I’ll..I’ll come in a bit. Need to make a call” he explained walking towards the door and pulling it open. 

Right before leaving, he turned back, gaze intent on Carlos “I’m not leaving. I’ll be here in the yard” and without waiting for a reply shut the door and walked out.

He could admit this was his fault. He shouldn’t have snapped at TK, he should have bit back his anger, should have stuffed his frustration in a closet and locked the door until he could be normal again. He should have done anything other than what he had and now everything was falling apart. Again.

This is what happened last time too. A voice whispered in his head, and now he felt like they were living on borrowed time. How long was it going to be before TK realized Carlos was too much and left. How long before his job was too much. Too political, too dangerous, too unknown? Carlos swallowed the panic down his throat.

“I bring up the Bartender as a joke TK, not in the middle of a fight. Where you are so clearly annoyed and your first thought is me finding another man? How does that make sense? I don’t see the connection here!” He snapped. He pressed his thumbs into the edges of his eyes and took a couple deep breaths.

At first he was relieved by TK’s agreement to head to bed and then he was hurt by his decision to once again walk away. It made the hurt in the center of his chest deepen. The divide between suddenly felt bigger than ever, but he swallowed it down and nodded. “Fine - I’ll just be upstairs.”

Like you care. He thought but didn’t voice. He took the steps two at a time and barely glanced at his phone as he tossed it on the bed. He dropped down on the edge and sobbed into his hands. This was a mess a huge mess.

The phone chimed on the bed and he picked it up. He read the message from Nancy over and over again and his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest.

“We’ve had a couple OD victims this week. TK looked wrecked. Please take care of him for me.”

And instead of doing that, he picked a fight. He fought with TK when he needed him the most. His hands shook with self hatred and he took a couple minutes to breath before he ran down the stairs and out the door, it slammed shut behind him and he stumbled over to TK.

He took in his hunched appearance and felt sick. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly, kneeling down on the grass next to him. “I - fuck I’m so sorry TK.” He said reaching out to touch him but stopped at the last moment. For the first time, he wasn’t sure if his touch would be welcomed and it was entirely his own fault.

Because apparently it was something Carlos had been holding close, something that had been bothering him and instead of their usual- ‘let’s talk’, it had turned into something else.

Logically, he understood that fights were pretty inevitable but even normal in any relationship, but each one torn open a new wound in his heart and he felt incapable of fixing it. 

He had been texting his sponsor for the last 15 mins, talking about the call or just letting him text stuff. Although the offer for a phone call has been made, TK didn’t feel he was in a right space to talk at all.

His mind was a bloody mess, craving drugs when three hours ago, he had seen a direct proof of just what it had done. And how incredibly lucky he had gotten back in New York. He buried his head in his knee, letting the notification ping, trying to breath though this heavy emotions.

Their group in AA had been pretty accurate in stating that it would not be the best idea to get into a relationship, not just because of the chaos one went through, but also because it would be rather unfair to another person. TK had initially scoffed at that idea, not believing relationships were something that would happen to him anytime soon…but they again, he hadn’t expected someone like Carlos to stumble into his life and turn it upside down in the best way.

The thought of his boyfriend, made his throat ache and eyes burn with unshed tears but he stubbornly refused to cry. It was a testament of just how bad their fight had been as usually Carlos never let him stew for more than 10 minutes before he dragged them back into a conversation.

The slamming of the front door jerked him out of his thoughts and for a moment, hope flickered that maybe they’d get past the fight. But the moment he heard those words spoken by Carlos, understood the intent, he couldn’t help the absolute resignation settle deep within is bones.

They would be talking about him.

Again.

“You have nothing to apologise for” he replied, his voice harder than TK intended. “I think it is pretty safe to assume we have both had a week from hell at work.” 

And that was the crux, wasn’t it?

That for a long while, Carlos had put TK above him over everything and while initially he has basked in the romanticism of it, but now that reality was starting to set him, he understood just how unequal their relationship had become and just how draining it could get for Carlos before they’d be nothing left to give. And he refused to let that happen to them.

“Do you really feel like you can’t talk to me about your problems?” He turned to look at his boyfriend, digging his teeth into his bottom lips, guilt wrecking him when he saw his bloodshot eyes.

He had made Carlos cry.

And instead, he’d been an asshole. A complete jerk.

”Hey,” He said softly running his fingers over TK’s hand the moment it touched him. TK’s hands felt like a boon to his soul and he easily leaned into the touch. He loved TK so much, and suddenly in that moment, he didn’t care who was right or who was wrong, or that TK might leave him someday because TK was right in front of him, hurting. While Carlos picked at scabs and made everything that much harder.

It was strange how the sudden severity of the moment could override everything else, his need to protect TK taking a center stage to all his anger and fear. He was such a shit boyfriend and he easily tugged TK into his arms and held him tightly.

“This week has been hell and I’m sorry I took my bad mood out on you.“ He said softly, rubbing TK’s back as he spoke. He wished he could take it back more than anything.

“I‘m just I’m not good at talking about my feelings and it’s not about you…” Carlos shook his head he didn’t want to talk about himself when TK so clearly needed him, but if this was the only way to get him to be honest, then Carlos was just going to have to learn to share his feelings and hope for the best.

“Look, can we talk inside. For real this time. I don’t think sitting outside in the cold is good for either of us.” He glanced down at TK’s phone and noted his sponsor’s name. “Do you need me to give you a minute?” He asked, knowing that sometimes TK liked to collect himself after talking with them.

“I can wait near the door if you do.” He offered un-willing to let him out of his sight now that he had messed up so majorly.

The moment TK began to cry Carlos’ heart broke even more. “Hey - you didn’t - this isnt your fault TK, this is on me, because I’m -“ so hard to love. “Me.” He finished.

He couldn’t bring himself the say the real truth out loud, to voice his deepest fears, but he knew he would have to share them soon, and he just had to trust that TK would overlook his flaws and love him regardless.

THIS

This was the reason TK had rushed home from the shift, the reason he wasn’t completely dismantling, the reason despite the day and the fight, he suddenly felt incredibly warm and safe.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Carlos, pressing a soft kiss on his shoulder and just breathing in his familiar scent. “Our shifts not aligning didn’t help either. We didn’t see each other for more than an hour this week” he quietly observed, nodding in response to Carlos’ words.

In the year since he had met and know Carlos, TK had seen him hold his cards close to his heart, rarely opening up the most vulnerable parts of himself. In a way, TK knew he was to blame too, he had played hot and cold with him at the beginning. Plus he had never wanted to force Carlos to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with or wasn’t ready for, but it seemed evident by their fight that they’d need to work more on communicating with each other.

“I understand..and I know how uncomfortable and hard that can be..but I just want you to try as much as you are ready and willing”

Agreeing to Carlos, he picked up the phone and texted his Sponsor, thanking him for the time and advice and slowly picked himself up. “No..I’m good. Let’s go inside and talk.” This time, he intertwined his fingers with Carlos’ as he slowly got up from the ground

He had seen his own parents fight and then hate each other for days, but as he chanced a glance at his boyfriend now, he could say with absolute certainty that there was not an ounce of hatred anywhere, never had been. They may drive each other crazy at times, but when they needed each other most, they could toss every difference aside. Like Carlos had done tonight.

And it completely warmed TK’s heart.

His forehead creased in a frown at Carlos’ words and he shook his head. “You are allowed to have bad days Carlos, like anyone else. You don’t have to feel wretched because it bleeds out into our relationship. We both know how many of those I’ve hard in the past year.” TK reminded him, squeezing his hand 

“I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll look at you and not love you. You may piss me off somedays, annoy the shit out of me like I am sure I do to you, but I’ll also always love you just as fiercely.”

Carlos had spoken similar words when TK had been going out of his mind with the news of his dad’s cancer and had snapped more than once at him. Sure he hadn’t confessed his love and he hadn’t been passive about his behaviour, but he had opened a safe space for TK to completely break down that sturdy wall of emotions and trust that they’d be someone there to catch him. 

It was stupid that he was letting work and his emotions surrounding it cause him this many problems. Especially with TK and he realized he needed a better outlet. Letting TK was just the start, after that… he didn’t know what the next step was but he would be willing to try.

He didn’t want to keep throwing his emotions out at his boyfriend. He just wanted to be a good partner, someone TK could count on, and love fully.

“You’re right, not seeing you sucked.” He admitted, “but I want you to feel like you can tell me things like this, and I am sorry I haven’t been supportive enough for you to feel safe sharing that with me. But I promise I’m here for you.”

Carlos pressed a soft kiss to the top of his head and rubbed the back of his neck lovely.

He nodded along to TK’s word in agreement and then stood up off the ground. He ignored the wet spot on his knees and knew that TK’s backside was probably also wet. “Maybe you should take off those pants when we get inside. Otherwise you might get sick.” He suggested.

He grabbed TK’s hand and pulled it up to press a soft kiss to the back of it. He was so amazed by TK. His care and love shone so brightly.

“Thank you, for being so amazing and on it. I love you so much and I’m so amazed by your care and grace.” He lead him towards the house and putted him towards the sofa.

Over the span of the year, TK had leaned heavily on Carlos for many things, blindly falling with the absolute faith that he’d catch him and Carlos had never disappointed him…not once.

Even today, although they had been fighting, the moment he understood that TK needed him, he’d thrown everything aside to just be there.

“Please..” TK began hating how Carlos instinctively blamed himself. “ You have always been supportive and it wasn’t like I didn’t want to tell you, but we rarely got half hour together and I wanted to forget everything else and just be with you”

He followed Carlos inside, settling on the couch before looking down at his clothes. “I think I’ll better change into something more comfortable and we can cuddle in bed? That way we won’t have to move at all”

Their bedroom was their space, intimate and a place that belonged just to them. TK hoped laying there in each other’s arms would make the conversation easier.

Why couldn’t he have just allowed TK to have a moment before he fucking went off on him. He couldn’t take it back now, but Carlos feverishly wished he could.

He twisted his fingers at his side and nodded at TK in understanding. “Do you want to talk about it? About what’s going on? And how I can help support you in the future?” He asked keeping his tone light and open. “We should have a code word, for bad days, something we can text each other to let the other know how we are feeling.”

A code word might have been a lot, but Carlos thought it might be easier than speaking at length. Especially when both or either of them were emotionally exhausted.

Carlos watched TK stand up and quickly stood up with him, despite his guilt he was glad they had words, glad that maybe now they could talk more openly about things.

Well… if he was honest… he would prefer TK was the one doing the talking but clearly that had been bothering his boyfriend so now Carlos would work on actually talking to him.

“Sure, I think cuddling sounds good. And then we can feed you something small before bed.” He said.

He followed TK up the stairs and frowned as he threw his clothes directly into the hamper. Guilt churning in his stomach again. He never wanted to be that person, the person that made TK feel like he had to change himself to be happy with Carlos… and now here they were.

He changed into a pair of short boxers and tossed his own clothes into the hamper. He didn’t bother with a shirt because it was hot at night, and he preferred to sleep without one.

“I think your idea of a code word is actually pretty good. ” He confessed, almost speaking against his skin before moving back a little to look at Carlos.

“We both often need time to sort things out in our head so we can have that to let each other know.”

TK shut his eyes deeply breathing in, just grounding himself in the moment and for the conversation they’d be having. Speaking like this, when they were together, holding each other felt absolutely comforting.

He had been rather quiet when Carlos had spoken but now in their safe space, he felt the tight hold on his heart loosen a little, making it easier to articulate his emotions without completely shattering.

“I think I’ve been pretty selfish in our relationship.” TK began, his fingers moving to the warm skin of Carlos’ back “And maybe you don’t feel that way, but I have always been the one doing the bulk of taking things from you. Sure, you have always been giving, but I think it’s unfair and something I’d really like to work on changing”

His eyes met the soft brown hues of Carlos, a year in making every expression there easier to understand. He could see the pain and guilt, both emotions he wished Carlos wouls not feel. But he always had a big heart and pushing him into not feeling made TK feel he was disrespecting his innate nature.

“Well… you’re not wrong is not wanting to come home to a mess. So we can compromise on that. It is our house” he emphasised, smiling slightly to show Carlos that he had not taken his earlier words to heart. “and it won’t took Strand- lived without some mess, you know. So don’t worry. Some chaos will always be seen around here”

Blowing a breathe, TK dug his teeth into his bottom lips thinking on how to articulate his thoughts next. He really didn’t want to open up first, not because it was a sort of compensation but he knew Carlos would take more interest in taking care of him and they’d never get anywhere with that.

He leaned into TK’s embraced and hummed as he felt his fingers in his curls. “I love you,” he told TK, as he opened his eyes and regarded him. “And a code words work for everything, so we should come back to that when you are ready.” He suggested.

It made his heart clench when TK began talking. When he thought he was the selfish one in their relationship. Automatically Carlos opened his mouth to argue but stopped, and listened to TK’s words. It was better to hear him and take it all in then pointlessly defend him. Especially as TK seemed to know he would disagree.

“You’re right. I don’t feel like that. You always take care of me TK. You listen to me ramble, you ask how I’m feeling, you’ve been so good to me, and I’m glad you feel the same way. But I hope you realize that just because I’m an asshole doesn’t mean you need to take full accountability for something you didn’t do.” Carlos was remiss to think that his thoughtless words had impacted TK so much.

He dropped his hand to TK’s hip and rubbed his thumb along the seem of his pjs. He continued to rub methodically as he thought over his words and actions. He felt ashamed to have reacted so strongly over something so foolish. To make TK feel guilty over it just felt petty.

“Thank you for saying that TK, but please don’t act like you have say that to appease me. I know I was being a jerk, and Im being honest when I tell you that normally it doesn’t bother me at all. I’ve just - I was lashing out at you for no reason and that’s not okay.”

He dropped his gaze down toward TK’s chest and thought over his words carefully. TK was asking him for honesty and a window into his heart, and Carlos would never deny him that. Even if he really wanted to hide all those bruises and broken pieces of himself.

“Lately I feel like I just can’t catch my breath. I got suspended, and I was barely reinstated before the arsonist event, then I had to take more time off. And it’s been hard. We’ve been working so many cases and all ones I’ve worked are being doubly scrutinized. My Captain is acting like I’m a Rookie again, and keeps checking up on me. And I’m getting push back from other colleagues. It just sucks.” He ran a hand over his face and then rested his head against TK’s shoulder.

“And I love you too Carlos. So fucking much. And I won’t walk out of the relationship ever neither will I let you go. The only way you can make me leave is explicitly telling me. And even then we’ll probably end up fighting.” He let out a soft sigh, snuggling closer to Carlos “I just wish I’d have done a better job of meaning my ‘love yous’. I’ll work on it babe. I promise.” he rubbed his back lowering his lashes. “You know, just like I seek you out for reassurance, you can always come to me. No matter how many times you need it, I’ll be here Carlos.” 

TK knew he’d definitely need to make an appointment tomorrow, not just to deal with the OD’s he had seen that week, but also in order to gain more clarity about their relationship. A session or two with Carlos sounded good too, and TK knew his boyfriend wouldn’t refuse but he wanted him to be completely comfortable with that idea. People weren’t always open or comfortable with the idea of baring themselves to a random stranger and while he had been of great help to him, he understood that only therapy wouldn’t be enough.

“It’s fine babe. I don’t think either of us were our best self this entire week. Did it suck? Yeah…but I don’t want you to beat yourself up over this.” TK reassured pressing a soft kiss to his chest. “I think if anything, it showed us that we need to work more on our communication. And you are still here, holding me when I need you the most. The moment you understood it, you threw our differences aside and rushed to comfort me. That means a lot Carlos.” He softly gazed into his eyes with a small smile “So no, you weren’t totally an asshole”

TK himself had lashed out at anyone when things weren’t working in his life. So he exactly understood where Carlos was coming from. Afterall, he had reacted to his dad’s arrest by shoving Carlos and then snapping at anyone who came near him. “Alright babe. But honestly, if something bothers you, do talk to me love and we’ll figure it out. This is your house as much as it is mine. So you are entitled to your own comfortable space too”

He heard with absolute seriousness when Carlos began talking, his heart breaking for his boyfriend. He knew how good of a cop he was, how sincerely he did his job and for people to treat him that way made TK mad. “I’m sorry you are going through this babe. The whole precinct seems to forget that if you hadn’t acted the way you did, either Mitchell and you would be blown up along with the suspect, because we knew the bomb was real” TK took a breath hating even the thought of not having a world without Carlos Reyes “or the 126 would have been in serious trouble. If you hadn’t saved us, coming when you did” He pressed a soothing kiss to his forehead before rubbing their noses together. 

“If there is anything I can do to make you feel better, you tell me. We are a team remember and I’ll always be here for you” 

His lips thinned at hearing Carlos say that he’d lock it up and TK pinched his side in admonishment. “Hey! None of that now. I can totally understand how work might bleed right into our personal life. This week has been hell for both of us and it has effected it. So I don’t think it is realistic or fair to have that black and white line there” 

It was a simplistic idea, but Carlos figured simple might be there best option. He glanced at TK and lifted an eyebrow in curiosity. “Although I’m open to any suggestions you might have.”

The small smile that broke on his face turned into a wide grin at TK’s words, and it only got wider and more misty eyed as he continued speaking. “Thank you for saying that TK, I needed to hear it. I know logically you would never leave without a good reason, it’s just sometimes… my brain tells me that I’m wrong.” Carlos wasn’t happy admitting it, but he knew he needed to be honest.

He pulled back a little and stared at TK with a questioning look. “What does that mean? Were you -“ he broke off and shook his head to clear his thoughts. “Can you explain what you mean about the “I love yous” am I - did I pressure you into saying it too early?” It didn’t sound right, but Carlos had to be sure. Even if it was true that TK said I love you first, what if he only said that because he thought that was what Carlos wanted to hear?

“It’s not fine. Don’t give me a free pass for acting like an asshole. I need to be just as accountable as you are. So please, accept my apology, but know that you don’t deserve to be treated like that.” Carlos stared at TK imploringly. He wanted him to understand that he was worth more than gold to Carlos. He loved him so much, and he never wanted to be the person to cause him pain.

“And I’m always going to throw aside anything when you need me TK, without care. I love you and I want to be someone you can count on to support you. Whatever that means to you.”

He took a deep breath and let out a relieved sigh as TK touched him. He’d always loved cuddles but there was something about TK that centered his soul.

“Besides I think I was channeling my mother there for a second.” Carlos admitted with a grimace. “She was always yelling at me to keep my shoes in the right spot and all my things in their place. I think I had the cleanest room of any teenager ever.” He explained smiling at the thought. “I bet yours looked like it got hit by a tornado.” He teased.

He loved that they could banter like this. And share their feelings. It was pretty amazing. And it made it that much easier for Carlos to open up about work.

“Thank you for letting me talk about this… it just bothers me that they don’t trust me anymore.” Carlos glanced down at the bed spread and sighed a little. “I mean even my Dad thought I was stupid…” he shook his head. He had been right and that was what was important. “I just wish they had more faith in me.” He glanced up at TK and smiled softly. “Although I will admit I didn’t care about a single thing as soon as I knew you were in danger. I knew I couldn’t live without you then.”

And he was damn lucky that hopefully he would never have too.

“I really want to try and be more open TK, it’s just hard for me. It easier to lock everything away because no one gets hurt but me. I mean look at this mess I made tonight. I just wish I had better control of it.” He felt so ashamed of his actions that he couldn’t even look TK in the eye.

“And that’s on me, I’m the one that needs to address these issues. I couldn’t live with myself if I pushed you away and made you feel like I don’t trust and love you.” He continued, with a soft voice. “I don’t know maybe I should see a therapist or something.”

He glanced up at TK then and waited for his reaction, he hoped it would be positive but he wasn’t sure.

“But TK… you don’t really think I’d be better off with someone else right? Like you know that you make me so happy and that I have never felt more loved than I do with you right? I know we joke about the Doctor and the Bartender and the Baker… but you know that I would never ever betray you like that right?”

“I’m sorry about the whole dinner thing. I promise I’ll eat whatever you cooked in the morning” The guilt was pretty evident in his tone, and TK hated that Carlos had gone through all that trouble, especially with his own shift being far from easy, just to have TK refuse the food. “I don’t ever want to take you or our love and this relationship for granted babe” he murmured softly resting his face against Carlos’ chest. 

His eyes closed for a moment, as the contentment that had been absent for an entire week filled his very being. He was beyond grateful to have this sort of home with Carlos, and though he knew that it was naïve to expect the craving to just disappear one day, he was confident that he’d work through it successfully, especially with the kind of support and love he received from Carlos.

His boyfriend’s words however, pulled him from his reverie and TK’s eyes widened. “No..absolutely not..that is not it at all” he rushed to reassure Carlos, pulling himself up a little to lean over him. “I was very serious and sure when I said it then and since. Every time I say it, I mean it from the bottom of my heart babe. I love you so much.” his voice wavered slightly, emotion clouding his tone “You have never once pressured me into doing anything. When I said I should mean my ‘I love yous’, I meant I should work on showing them in a more tangible way than just words.”

He let out a soft sigh and let his eyes drift around their bedroom as he spoke “My dad was all about grand gestures, big things like fancy dinners or expensive gifts, but over this year, I have really been learning that it’s all about the supposedly small thing” 

Turning his head, his fondly grinned at Carlos “Like setting the alarm half hour early simply because I hate you leaving me without cuddles and kisses, going out of your way to my favourite shop just to get me Boba tea even though you think it an abomination, setting up a bubble bath when you heard that I had a hard shift” His fingers caressed Carlos’ cheeks, the love he felt for him, spilling over and trailing from his eyes. “You show me your ‘love yous’ in everything you do and I just want to reciprocate equally, in the same way, filling up your heart with so much joy that you wouldn’t know what to do with all that happiness.”

Nodding in understanding, he intertwined his fingers with Carlos’ and pressed a warm kiss on his knuckles “Alright then, I accept your apology. Can you please stop calling yourself an asshole now? Because trust me I have encountered quite a few in my life and you come nowhere near that definition”

TK shook his head, his eyes misting over at Carlos’ promise of being there “You have no idea how much those words mean to me...You mean so much to me babe. And with absolute seriousness, I wouldn’t be here where I am today without you.” He pressed a warm kiss on his chest, right where Carlos’ heart was beating a steady rhythm “I may have done some work in my recovery, but the strength to pull though difficult days, or even easy days wasn’t always my own. Even when we were just friends, you caught me each time I fell and kept me safe.” His fingers gently rubbed mindless patterns on his back, as TK’s emotions spilled over “And I can never thank you enough for that”

Carlos speaking about his mother lightened the atmosphere considerably and TK couldn’t help but laugh, picturing a stern Andrea and sweet young Carlos obeying her. “Oh absolutely” he playfully quipped in response to his observation “My room was a mess but I am sure if my dad had been home for more than 24 hours and played a little more attention, he’d have grounded me. And when he re-married, I was moving between my parents for them to really pick on my cleaning habits” Snorting at that memory, he teasing poked Carlos’ nose. “Maybe I should convince you to make a mess once a while. Drag you to the dark side.” 

Though that teasing slowly gave way to absolute displeasure at everyone in APD, especially Major Reyes. A part of him really itched to go off at him, but knowing much discomfited Carlos might be, TK had held his tongue in the other man’s presence. “You can always talk to me about this babe. And I’m sorry you are having such a hard time. You saved a lot of life by making that call and trusting in your gut that day. And..it sucks a lot that those around you didn’t have faith in you, but..I am so proud that you stuck to your decision. Your faith in yourself saved me and everyone else Carlos..so never let that go” He hugged him closer, running his fingers through his hair “Plus if it gets too much, let me know. I am always here for you babe..in whatever way you need”

He was glad they were talking, learning to open up and TK recollected how his therapist had mentioned that not all arguments were necessarily negative. 

Shaking his head at his boyfriend’s portrayal, TK began to seriously talk, his arms tight around Carlos. “It may seem momentarily easy to lock it all up but it is never going to stay that way. Plus nothing “ he emphasized lightly poking his chest “absolutely nothing that causes you pain makes anything okay. I know you want to make thing easy and help people, but you don’t have to set yourself ablaze so that others can get the light and warmth”

He loved Carlos’ big giving heart, but a year in and TK knew that his boyfriend often didn’t have boundaries when it came to limiting himself. He’d never be presumptuous enough to advice him on how to behave, but TK hurt that Carlos though him being in pain was alright.

“I don’t want you to have control over anything babe. I just want you to be honest” TK continued, resting his head against Carlos’, taking a moment just to breathe in the comfort. “Our fight today seemed messy, but like my therapist often says, it is a required mess. This fight was just an instrument that showcased the areas that need more attention and work. We came out of it because we were willing to do it and this make our relationship more healthy.” TK softly pointed out.

“Only the emotion of love isn’t enough you know...I mean I know my parents loved each other, maybe they even do now, but without the conscious effort to work on their differences, the way we are doing right now, just love wouldn’t be enough to sustain a relationship. It is certainly the root, but it requires supplements to foster its growth too.”

He pressed warm kisses all over Carlos’ face before hovering over his lips, whispering his words “So please, as much as I absolutely don’t like fighting with you, we are both humans who are different and this will probably also happen in the future. But we are both here in each others arms, absolutely willing to do what it takes to make this work, and our love is sustained by our support and the respect we have for each other..so please” TK softly reiterated “Let out of the guilt. There was no mess made and there won’t be any in the future. You or your emotions will never be too much for me, will never push me away. We are a team remember. I’m gonna hold you to that”

TK’s eyes softened at Carlos’ admission and he squeezed his hands “Sure babe, if you want that we can totally do that. I’ll always support you no matter what you decide. You can look up therapists you feel comfortable with or I can ask around and get us a list and then you can take a session to see how it feels. The important thing is that you do this for you babe and that you are a 100% comfortable. Our relationship is not conditional to you always being your best self okay”

He didn’t know just how he got so lucky with Carlos, but here he was, even after a day from hell, feeling surrounded my so much love and comfort, that his heart felt full. “I know you’ll never betray me like that Carlos. I Know you and trusting you has been the easiest thing I have done. And somedays, I do struggle with my insecurities and self-worth” TK confessed wanting to be honest and transparent “And that has nothing to do with you, but my own life and experiences, but it’s really getting better. You being here makes it better”

He moved closer to Carlos, smiling brightly at his boyfriend “You know what will really make me feel absolutely amazing? A kiss from the love of my life. I haven’t had one yet and that needs to be rectified immediately” he teased lightly, the stress and anxiety from the day almost flushing out of his system.

They laid there for a while, just basking in the peace and comfort of each other’s presence, before TK let out a sigh and pressed his body against Carlos, seeking his physical touch.

To say that it had been a week from hell was an understatement.

For the first time since forever, TK felt hesitant in getting home. Not only had he and Carlos been on opposite shifts, but there seemed to a sort of distance growing between them. They had hardly spoken, couldn’t get enough time to text and catch up and hadn’t even kissed each other properly since three days.

TK took a moment to stem his shaking hands as he breathed in deeply. They had been called to three OD’s this week and none of the patients had survived. He had been benched for the first one at the beginning of the week, but he had to get involved in the second and the third today.

It had almost seemed like the kid could survive and they had tried their level best but nothing had worked. He had been the one to deliver the news to the parents, almost escaping the man’s fist as he had lashed out at TK in anger.

He knew he could press charges and Nancy had been seconds from calling the cops but TK simply couldn’t. Logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault and there was nothing he could have done, but his brain wasn’t in a mood to accept any rationality.

He felt like a complete utter failure…in his job, in his life, in his relationship….

It was evident Carlos had been stressed the entire week and every time TK would attempt to get him to talk, he’d try to divert the conversation or give the facts without touching the heart of the matter. And TK had tried not to push, not to be overbearing, but a vicious part of him couldn’t help but wonder if he had been the problem…especially since Paul apparently knew what had been going on and TK didn’t.

And that hurt more than he was willing to confess.

That combined with the restlessness that was vibrating under his skin, made everything absolutely difficult to deal with and a part of him craved oxy or vodka or anything to silence it all.

He swallowed those emotions and slotted the key, silently opening the door to their house. He mindlessly kicked his shoes near the door and moved to the fridge where they had their supply of ice-cream and got the cookies and cream out, and without bothering with any fanfare, inserted a spoon and directly started eating it from the carton.

TK knew that he should wash his hands, or atleast freshen up but his mind was so loud and his movements so jerky, he didn’t have the patience or inclination to do anything drown in sugar and sleep that off.

He wanted to talk to TK about it but his mood continued to worsen each day and Carlos didn’t want to add to it. He was afraid to add to it, afraid that it opened up too much he might scare TK off. He knew TK loved him, but the only side he’d ever seen was the confident cop Carlos, and the dorky lover, and maybe the soft gooey center, but he hadn’t seen Carlos stress, and that made it worse.

He didn’t want TK to see him like this, but with his world spinning out of control he was finding the frustration was leaking into every aspect of his life and he just needed a space to be content. Their home was usually like that, but lately it had been driving him crazy.

Dishes were piling in the sink, TK’s clothes and shoes strung out everywhere even though the shoe stand was near the door and the clothes hamper was easily accessible. Where Carlos normally grinned at his messy boyfriend, it was driving him crazy now. He would clean a space and then hurricane TK would come spilling in the door and mess it all up again.

And Carlos knew he wasn’t being fair. TK worked a hard job, and things had clearly been trying for him lately, but his brain wouldn’t let it go. Maybe it was the distance or the fact that the only piece of his boyfriend he had seen all week was the mess he left behind.

But Carlos felt a little crazy. He was sure the problem would go away, if he just got some time with his boyfriend. So he cleaned the house and he made a fancy dinner for TK and placed the plates in the stove and he waited for his boyfriend to arrive. And waited. And waited.

Worry knotted in his chest and he glanced at his phone again sending TK another range of messages. When he got nothing back he jumped up and ran up the stairs to grab his jacket and go in search of him, his heart pounded and suddenly he heard the door open. He dropped his jacket on the floor and then raced towards the stairs.

“TK?!” He called out hitting the bottom of the stairs and frowning at his boyfriend. “Why didn’t you call?!“ he snapped in his worry. And he winced at the tone. His voiced softened and he tried to be calm as he regarded TK. “I was worried.“

But the worry turned to annoyance as he looked around the room.

He looked at the ice cream and frowned. “You’re going to spoil dinner.” He added, then literally followed his trail around the house. He groaned and grabbed his bag from the floor, setting it on the table and then putting away his shoes. He sighed as he did so. He had just cleaned this place.

He had been staring so intently at the counter that he barely registering footsteps on the stairs and almost jumped out of his skin at Carlos’ loud tone.

His hand moved to his chest as he blinked in confusion at his boyfriend. Normally, they’d have already entered each other’s spheres and traded kisses and hugs but it seemed something was keeping them from doing that now.

“I texted you that I’d be late. Did you not receive it?” TK asked sucking on the spoon before dropping it in the sink and rubbing his hands on his pants.

He’d been in the process of moving towards Carlos but his steps halted as he saw his boyfriend clean up his mess and internally groaned.

The guilt increased at Carlos’ words and TK felt like an ass but mixed with that was also annoyance. He knew he was messy but he wasn’t incredibly messy either. Still he swallowed that emotion and trailed after Carlos.

“Sorry I’ll try not to do that too often” he offered knowing that promising outright would be a lie because TK would probably leave a mess in the future too.

But he had never heard Carlos snap at him either, first for the icecream and then the shoes. Even Owen all these years had never mentioned any of TK’s habits..Granted the man had been rarely at home but still…

It made TK feel like an errant child and he didn’t like it at all.

“But it’s not like I do it all the time. Are occasional lapses an offense now?” he countered sinking on the stool. The thought of food made him feel sick. He doubted he could stomach anything after today’s day.

Which made him panic, and then that made him angry, and then he was back at square one again. He knew he wasn’t being fair to his boyfriend, but it was like watching a bad accident, he couldn‘t stop himself.

“No, you didn’t text me, so I made dinner and when you didn’t show I didn’t know what to think.“ Carlos said, crossing his arms. ”I was just about to go looking for you.” He explained.

Carlos watched his boyfriend rub his dirty hands on his pants and rolled his eyes, sometimes he felt like he was dating a toddler. He was so messy, and cute, and normally he would have been all heart eyes, except he was stressed, and not handling it well at all.

“TK you do it all the time, I’m not holding my breath for you to suddenly stop.” Carlos said shaking his head at his dismissal. “I’m tired of cleaning my house everytime I come home.“ He said. It would have been nice if just once he could have come home to clean house and relaxed. Even better if his boyfriend had been home to greet him. In his annoyance he hadn’t been careful with his words and he didn’t notice what he had said.

Especially as he realized that TK wasn’t planning on eating. “You can’t work over 12 hours and not eat TK, I made dinner, if you don’t like it we can order out. But seeing as how you were just eating ice cream, surely you can eat something small.”

He turned his phone on and opened their text thread. While normally it would be filled with hearts and flirty messages, their communication had been stilted over the week. The text had been there apparently but had not been sent and TK groaned showing Carlos the screen “See I texted you but my phone didn’t have enough balance so it wasn’t sent. I’ll recharge it tomorrow”

Tossing it on the couch, he went to sit down when Carlos’ words stopped him short. Shock reverberated through his features along with an intense feeling of hurt settling somewhere deep within.

His house??

Is that how Carlos actually saw it? It did make sense since technically Carlos owned the place but he had always insisted on it being TK’s place too. And since moving in, Carlos had always called it their house.

So what had changed? Had he overstayed his welcome?

Echoes of his dad calling his mom a squatter came back and TK tried to fight against the gut churing panic. He never wants them to end up like his parents but Carlos taking back those promises of it being his space too felt like the worst sort of betrayal.

“Your house is it now?” TK shot back his emotions high “Well sorry to disappoint you but I’ve been living here for a while too. But it never was my house was it?” He snorted self-deprecatingly gesturing around the room “because newsflash Carlos I could drop my stuff however I wanted back at my parents. This is not a damn military camp with a rulebook I should be following! This is my home! Or so I thought. Guess I was wrong”

A fight was certainly not what TK was expecting but since his emotions were being directed here and not fixated on the body of that kid, he unconsciously began to feed into it.

“It was two spoonful of ice cream and trust me if I eat anything right now I’ll be throwing up. Don’t think you’d want that to happen to your precious floor now” he snarked back before dropping on the couch.

But the thought of TK being in danger had wrecked his chest, and he was so close to breaking down. He didn’t want anything to happen to him and he didn’t want TK to realize that Carlos was a giant mess. He’d been trying so hard to keep it under wraps and now it was spilling out of him.

“Wait - I didn’t mean for it to come out like that -“ Carlos tried to explain but TK’s anger drowned out his words and he wanted desperately to take them back but the more his boyfriend spoke the more his anger rose in his chest. Why was TK being so damn difficult? He didn’t understand and his anger was growing more and more.

“What the hell is wrong with you! I’m not saying everything has to be perfect I’m just asking you to keep your stuff in a place that isn’t everywhere. Why is that so hard for you to understand.” Thwas exactly what Carlos was afraid of, one lost grip and now they were spiraling. And TK - TK was going to leave.

Suddenly he felt icy terror rip through his chest. He was suddenly so sure TK wanted out.

“Really? Are you bringing up Doctor whatever right now because you think I’m so cheating bastard or because you want me to be?! You’re just looking for an exit!” Carlos snapped. “If you don’t want to date me anymore than just say it! Don’t hide behind someone else!”

Something it seemed that the universe wouldn’t give him. The anger of the boy’s father, the air of disappointment there bleeding into Carlos’ expression.

He looked around their space and save a few stuff seemingly displaced, TK literally couldn’t understand what mess his boyfriend was talking about. “It’s not like I don’t clean up! Or I’m like the worst messy person in the planet.” He defended angrily a part of him not fully comprehending the fact that Carlos was angry.

At him.

He had rarely seen Carlos lose his cool, neither on scene nor in their personal life and TK couldn’t understand just what was bothering him now. He had always been more messy than his boyfriend but Carlos had never mentioned anything.

“Is that how you’ve been feeling all this time?” He couldn’t help but ask in disbelief “because this…” he stated pointing out to his bag now on the table and the shoes on the floor “is not new. Is this getting too much? Am I getting too much for you?” TK cried out shooting up from his seat and pacing along the kitchen counter. “I..I don’t understand. What is going on?”

He was careful to maintain his distance, his memory of their last argument pretty vivid in his mind and he consciously kept his hands around his body. Technically TK knew he’d never lash out like that again but there was always done comfort in negating all possibilities.

Though apparently it was Carlos’ turn to deliver punches and TK felt like the ground had been ripped under him and he was falling

He gripped the counter to steady himself, opening and closing his mouth multiple times in an attempt to even process a fragment of that sentence.

“Why would I …” He began his voice shaking at the very thought that Carlos was tired of him, was disappointed in him, and maybe wanted an out.

He didn’t know how he’d survive that.

If he would survive that.

“When have I ever given you an impression I want an exit? Seriously!? Are you listening to yourself?” he could help let anger colour the tone of his voice, his eyes flashing “ Are you really accusing me of trying to paint you as a cheater? After you knew what happened the last time and what I’d gone through?”

A part of TK wanted to ask if Carlos wanted an exit but he was too scared to voice that thought out nd get a confirmation.

Carlos had always considered communication a corner stone of their relationship, ever since they had grossly miscommunicated in the beginning of their relationship, he felt like they had put in the work.

Only now, when he didn’t know how to say what he needed to say, he realized how wrong he had been. There was something so different about their fight right now. Unlike any of the ones they previously had. This one felt permanent, and relationship ending. Fear was thumbing through Carlos and making him stutter and short circuit.

“I know but it sucks to come home to a mess when you aren’t here!” Carlos ignored his better senses and continued to ride this crashing train. He should be being more honest. Should have been trying to bridge the gap between them.

“TK! No it doesn’t bother me normally, but when you aren’t here and I’m left with nothing but a mess after I’ve had a stressful day at work it gets on my nerves. You’re the only one trying to make this something it’s not!!” Carlos continued and the reason he thought was because TK hadn’t let go of reservations about them. TK was still holding on to them.

”You’re the one who keeps bringing up some stupid doctor that flirted with me! If I did that I’d be talking about 10 guys at least, but you’re the one who left me alone with him, you’re the one who was supposed to trust me! So why don’t you!” Carlos felt his hands start to shake. “Why don’t you trust me TK? What am I doing wrong?!” His voice broke a little.

“Then make me understand. What is going on?” He asked unable to understand just what was happening. It was rare for Carlos to even raise his voice, let along snap at anyone and the fact that he was doing both made TK feel like an absolute failure. Had the mess really been bothering Carlos this much? Because TK couldn’t figure out any other reason why his boyfriend suddenly decided to have a row with him.

So much for their promises of honest communication because it seemed like they were both on different ends of the spectrum with regards to this.

“What am I trying to make out of this exactly?” he voiced in frustration “because if this mess really bothered you, you could have come to me…i don’t know weeks ago and said something. You didn’t! How am I supposed to know Carlos? I am not a mind reader” He snapped trudging towards the shoe stand and harshly throwing the shoes in there before grabbing the hoodie placed on the back of the chair and bundling it. “Plus” he continued “I don’t expect you to clean up after me! I never have. Somedays are just…days you don’t wanna function”

With an annoyed sigh, he placed the scrunched up hoodie on the table before grabbing the dish soap and washing the spoon he had used, his movements angry and jerky.

Though apparently the issue wasn’t done and with growing horror TK heard every single word coming out of Carlos’ mouth. He had thought they were past this, that Carlos knew just how serious he was about them..hell! they had even playfully talked about marriage- something TK didn’t know he’d ever consider and to understand just how unsafe Carlos was feeling felt like a slap on his face.

He washed the spoon, letting the sound of running water fill the space for a moment as he tried to think of anything except Carlos’ words. That however did not prove to be a smart thing to do, as his mind instantly switched to the man’s harsh angry words that he had spat out at TK in pain.

You don’t deserve to live when my son is dead. You didn’t do enough. You didn’t do anything to save him

He grabbed the counter and shut his eyes, his mind literally not in a mood for any explanation and a part of him simply wanted to run away. But after their last fight, TK had promised that he wouldn’t do that so he had to struggle to speak something now.

“I can’t believe you right now” he muttered, pain and anger and exhaustion evident in his voice as he turned and pressed his body against the smooth marble in an attempt to ground himself and focus on the current moment than the mess that had happened 3 hours ago. 

“ I trust you! I have trusted you always! Have I not shown it enough? This isn’t about me not trusting you! It’s about me not…” deserving you.

But somehow he couldn’t voice that out aloud, knowing the moment those words were spoken in existence, they’d become a tangible thing that’d choke the breath out of him. And he had enough of that happening for the day.

Carlos swallowed thickly and looked at his boyfriend, he threw the breaks on a realized that he couldn’t continue this way. He was hurting him again.

“Nothing, I’m tired, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not that big of a deal TK - I’m just tired.” He started to pivot on his heels but froze as TK moved to angrily begin cleaning.

He watched his jerking reactions and the angry set of his shoulders and winced again. He did this, because he couldn’t keep hiding his imperfections. And now TK knew that.

“I just told you TK, it doesn’t bother me that much! I’m just tired I should go to bed.” He couldn’t believe he had let things spiral this far.

He had to admit that fighting with TK was zapping every ounce of strength he had left, and he wanted to end it now. But another part of him was scared that ending it would cause it to boil over. To follow them forever.

Then again… he had to know if TK was waiting to walk away. He couldn’t spend another day waiting for the shoe to drop. Which made it sound more common than it was. Normally Carlos wasn’t so afraid of that, but after his injury he couldn’t help but fixate on it.

And now here it was. TK was pissed and Carlos wasn’t helping it. He was just making it worse and worse.

“It’s about what? I don’t understand what else you could mean by that! How am I supposed to be taking these comments? Because it sounds like you trying to push me away. Trying to tell me to go off and date some other man? Or, at the very least accusing me of wanting to.” He snapped letting his anger lead his words.

“I don’t know what to tell you TK, I feel like there is something you aren’t saying! You come home after I haven’t seen you in a week and you don’t want to eat, you don’t want to talk to me, and you don’t care that I was worried about you.”

Apparently him going there would have saved him a whole lot of confrontation occurring right now.

His forehead crunched in thought and he could feel an intense wave of frustration rubbing against his skin. “No..you don’t get to say all this and then throw down the gauntlet because it becomes too difficult or something Carlos!”

 TK stated crossing his arms and leaning against the fridge, his body feeling drained from the entire day. “You keep saying I am not communicating and I don’t talk to you, but if we actually look at the amount of times either of us have really spoken about our feelings, I would have a bigger number. When have you ever talked to me about what was really happening inside?” he accused, his voice sounding both weary and upset. 

“And why exactly is that? Do you feel like you cannot talk to me? Do you feel like I won’t be open or react well?” 

He really wanted to understand just what was happening, hoping that Carlos of all people didn’t think him weak enough that he couldn’t come communicate his problems to him.

“Is it that you aren’t feeling safe enough in the relationship that you feel anything you tell me will make me walk out. Because from what I have been hearing you say in the last half hour, is that you don’t really trust me enough to stick around!” He pointed out, shaking his head, his gaze searching Carlos’ expression for any clue as to just what had happened since the moment he got in.

He heard his boyfriend’s words with increasing horror and seemed like every ounce of patience he had in the world was snapped out of him. TK for the life of him didn’t know just what he had done to give Carlos the impression that he wanted Carlos to date other people or that he was pushing him away. On the contrary, TK sometimes felt embarrassed by how clingy he could get.

“For the love of God, not everything is about you or my feelings for you!” he retorted angrily, eyes blazing “It is about me! My problems and the way I deal with stuff! It is about me looking at you and somedays feeling absolutely underserving of your love. It is about me looking at that damn doctor and thinking he wouldn’t have made a mess out of the relationship like I’m doing right now. I am not pure hearted or whatever pedestal you have put me on” He harshly ground out “This is me! I am not perfect and I am not organised- in life or emotion. THIS is who you are dating Carlos”

It badly shafted his heart that Carlos had actually accused him of not caring when in reality he was the one TK more cared about in his life. His eyes burnt with unshed tears and he took a shaky breathe, the fight completely leaving his body. 

What was left to say after words like that?

He shut his eyes for a moment, cursing that they didn’t have a spare bedroom he could hide in till he’d feel reasonable enough. But seeing as they didn’t, he’d have to face this head on and attempt to understand just why they were even fighting in the first place.

He was just so tired and ready for this fight to be over with, and he was torn. Between realizing his feelings were leaking out all over the place and knowing it wasn’t fair to be putting TK through this.

“Let’s just -“ He made an aborted step towards TK but froze as TK hit him in the chest with his words. It felt like a punch and Carlos touched the center of his chest like he’s been hit. He couldn’t believe that TK had reached right through him, had seen what he was hiding. He turned his back to him and tried to breath.

Just talk to him. His brain urged and he trembled in the spot. He was so on edge and TK hitting him in exactly the right spot only made it worse. He turned back to TK and tried to salvage this mess.

“I -“ He couldn’t even get the words out, but his boyfriend didn’t seem to have that problem, instead his words got sharper and Carlos felt every single one like a cut to his skin. And his hackles were raising in defense but he was choking back each word. It felt like swallowing lead.

I don’t want you to leave. He wanted to say, but the words were held hostage behind clenched teeth. His fist balled at his side and he took each sentence that left TK’s mouth to heart.

“You’re right TK, clearly this isn’t about me. You making wild accusations about stupid Doctors isn’t about me, you standing in our kitchen looking like that isn’t about me, it’s about you.“ Carlos shook his head and felt a crack in his chest. “It’s about how you can’t even talk to me, it’s about how you see yourself and how mad you are that I don’t see you the same way.“ Carlos continued.

“Ive never claimed you’re perfect TK! I know you have flaws, but I don’t - you aren’t the sum of those flaws! You’re sweet and kind, you’re funny and wild, you can be frustratingly stubborn and messy as hell. I love you, not inspite of everything you’ve been through but because those things make you who you are. And I love who you are.”

Carlos stared at TK, and hunched his shoulders. “You are always so hard on yourself, and you never let me help you. You always want to do things on your own.” Finally he stepped closer to TK and rested his hand on his arm. “I see you TK, all of you and I love what I see.”

Logically, TK knew Carlos was right in a way that they both need to step back and not continue on because more often than not, TK had a tendency to say things first and then think later and beat himself over it. But at the same time, he also knew that if they didn’t address this now, there was a big possibility that Carlos would never talk to him about it again!

“What’s really been bothering you? Because I’m pretty sure it’s not the mess. It may have proved to be a tripping point, but clearly it’s way bigger than that” he couldn’t help but observe, his hands wildly gesturing as he often did when he was frustrated in communicating things and words weren’t quite enough.

He had expected Carlos to say something about the reason why he seemed stressed or upset or try to retreat some more. What he hadn’t expected was for him to take a whole different tangent and TK’s eyes widened the more his boyfriend spoke.

His heart warmed at that confession and the burden he had been carrying since understanding that the call has been of a patient Od’ing lessened a little. But nothing could have prepared him for Carlos’ absolute honesty and the conviction in his voice when he spoke.

He really believed TK would leave

Years of therapy allowed him to strangely formulate a question, he knew he shouldn’t ask but he couldn’t stop himself from voicing either. “I’m sorry you feel that way. “ He began swallowing thickly “I am sorry if I ever made you feel any less than being the most important person in my life. I am sorry if I ever made you feel loved less every time we have an argument like this. But…babe” calling him Carlos didn’t feel right, when he had always been TK’s babe. 

“How much of this is more than my actions? How much of this is how you see yourself? Because it seems to me like you are willing to love the hell of the mess I am in life, but you don’t do the same for you. You said to me right now, that you love me because of who I am, because of how everything has shaped me to be. Then why..” his voice softened as he moved to Carlos and grabbed his hands “why is it hard for you to imagine that I won’t do the same. I love you…I love all of you. And when I walk away, it’s not from you..I will never walk away from you Carlos.”

“Fine,” he said locking his jaw as he spoke. “You want to talk about it then let’s talk about it. You’re hiding something from me Tyler and I don’t like it. You’ve been distant all week, you’ve been crabby and short during our texts and every since I got injured you’ve been acting like I’m made of glass. It’s hard to imagine that this is all in my head!” He snapped, “so tell me what’s going on with YOU?!”

Carlos put his hands on his hips and stared at TK hard. “I feel like I’m going crazy, I can’t make sense of your actions. Yeah, I might have blown this out of proportion! But you’re the one who keeps bringing up the Doctor and acting like I’m looking at other options.” Carlos glanced at the couch and then at TK and he wanted so badly to bridge this.

“Can we just - can we stop accusing each other of stuff and just talk about this?” Carlos said, he gestured to the couch and arched an eyebrow. “Please.”

He felt like their fight was spiraling and if he could just get a hold on it maybe they could survive this. They could come out stronger. Otherwise, Carlos feared he would say something wrong and chase away TK.

TK’s words sliced through his chest and he took the words like a physical blow and he blinked as TK hurled the truth in his face.

He felt tears building in his eyes and he fought to choke them back. Even though he knew that was exactly what TK was talking about. But something was wrong, and he just didn’t know what it was. “I don’t know.” He said finally.

He didn’t want to hear what TK was saying because he knew he was right, this was Carlos’ problem and he was dragging TK into instead of dealing with it on his own. Like he always did.

“Maybe - maybe we should just table this.” He’s suggested. “Clearly you’re tired and I’m tired, and we should just go to sleep.” He said taking back his earlier suggestion of sitting down to talk about it.

How was he supposed to admit to TK that he wasn’t the person he thought he was. That there were times when Carlos just didn’t have it all figured out. That there were times he was so stressed and incapable of handling his emotions that he went off on his boyfriend for no real reason.

 “You have been just as distant over the week too, so much so that even Mrs. Nora noticed the tension and you know that woman is more oblivious than anyone! And don’t call me Tyler!” 

TK didn’t know why the sound of his name, said in that tone chaffed at him and he didn’t like it one bit. Carlos rarely called him than unless they were in the bedroom doing pretty enjoyable things. He certainly didn’t want the memory of that to be covered by him saying it now- in a way that told he was absolutely exasperated and done with him.

“And I won’t tell you what’s going on with me because apparently this communication street seems totally one-way. You wanna talk? We start with YOU this time” he argued back, vowing to not budge, not matter how much he wanted to give in just to end the fight and sleep the whole week off.

“I bring the doctor up as much as you do with the bartender. Do you think I’m looking for other options now?” he ground up, a part of him knowing that they were both literally not talking about the actual fight but simply throwing stuff in the air but not particularly caring for that realisation at the moment.

He had really thought that they both would be able to talk it out, but Carlos backtracking the way he did, made TK’s restless annoyance simply increase. At any other time, he may have pushed the matter, but TK felt already drained even before he entered the house and this fight left him even more exhausted than ever before.

So instead of fighting back, he simply nodded, speaking his agreement “Fine..we both are not working tomorrow, we’ll talk then.”

TK understood he probably wouldn’t get a wink of sleep tonight, and if he didn’t do something, his mind would come back to torture him about the boy they lost on call. He pulled his phone out, tapping it against his palm “You can go ahead..I’ll..I’ll come in a bit. Need to make a call” he explained walking towards the door and pulling it open. 

Right before leaving, he turned back, gaze intent on Carlos “I’m not leaving. I’ll be here in the yard” and without waiting for a reply shut the door and walked out.

He could admit this was his fault. He shouldn’t have snapped at TK, he should have bit back his anger, should have stuffed his frustration in a closet and locked the door until he could be normal again. He should have done anything other than what he had and now everything was falling apart. Again.

This is what happened last time too. A voice whispered in his head, and now he felt like they were living on borrowed time. How long was it going to be before TK realized Carlos was too much and left. How long before his job was too much. Too political, too dangerous, too unknown? Carlos swallowed the panic down his throat.

“I bring up the Bartender as a joke TK, not in the middle of a fight. Where you are so clearly annoyed and your first thought is me finding another man? How does that make sense? I don’t see the connection here!” He snapped. He pressed his thumbs into the edges of his eyes and took a couple deep breaths.

At first he was relieved by TK’s agreement to head to bed and then he was hurt by his decision to once again walk away. It made the hurt in the center of his chest deepen. The divide between suddenly felt bigger than ever, but he swallowed it down and nodded. “Fine - I’ll just be upstairs.”

Like you care. He thought but didn’t voice. He took the steps two at a time and barely glanced at his phone as he tossed it on the bed. He dropped down on the edge and sobbed into his hands. This was a mess a huge mess.

The phone chimed on the bed and he picked it up. He read the message from Nancy over and over again and his heart felt like it was shattering in his chest.

“We’ve had a couple OD victims this week. TK looked wrecked. Please take care of him for me.”

And instead of doing that, he picked a fight. He fought with TK when he needed him the most. His hands shook with self hatred and he took a couple minutes to breath before he ran down the stairs and out the door, it slammed shut behind him and he stumbled over to TK.

He took in his hunched appearance and felt sick. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked softly, kneeling down on the grass next to him. “I - fuck I’m so sorry TK.” He said reaching out to touch him but stopped at the last moment. For the first time, he wasn’t sure if his touch would be welcomed and it was entirely his own fault.

Because apparently it was something Carlos had been holding close, something that had been bothering him and instead of their usual- ‘let’s talk’, it had turned into something else.

Logically, he understood that fights were pretty inevitable but even normal in any relationship, but each one torn open a new wound in his heart and he felt incapable of fixing it. 

He had been texting his sponsor for the last 15 mins, talking about the call or just letting him text stuff. Although the offer for a phone call has been made, TK didn’t feel he was in a right space to talk at all.

His mind was a bloody mess, craving drugs when three hours ago, he had seen a direct proof of just what it had done. And how incredibly lucky he had gotten back in New York. He buried his head in his knee, letting the notification ping, trying to breath though this heavy emotions.

Their group in AA had been pretty accurate in stating that it would not be the best idea to get into a relationship, not just because of the chaos one went through, but also because it would be rather unfair to another person. TK had initially scoffed at that idea, not believing relationships were something that would happen to him anytime soon…but they again, he hadn’t expected someone like Carlos to stumble into his life and turn it upside down in the best way.

The thought of his boyfriend, made his throat ache and eyes burn with unshed tears but he stubbornly refused to cry. It was a testament of just how bad their fight had been as usually Carlos never let him stew for more than 10 minutes before he dragged them back into a conversation.

The slamming of the front door jerked him out of his thoughts and for a moment, hope flickered that maybe they’d get past the fight. But the moment he heard those words spoken by Carlos, understood the intent, he couldn’t help the absolute resignation settle deep within is bones.

They would be talking about him.

Again.

“You have nothing to apologise for” he replied, his voice harder than TK intended. “I think it is pretty safe to assume we have both had a week from hell at work.” 

And that was the crux, wasn’t it?

That for a long while, Carlos had put TK above him over everything and while initially he has basked in the romanticism of it, but now that reality was starting to set him, he understood just how unequal their relationship had become and just how draining it could get for Carlos before they’d be nothing left to give. And he refused to let that happen to them.

“Do you really feel like you can’t talk to me about your problems?” He turned to look at his boyfriend, digging his teeth into his bottom lips, guilt wrecking him when he saw his bloodshot eyes.

He had made Carlos cry.

And instead, he’d been an asshole. A complete jerk.

”Hey,” He said softly running his fingers over TK’s hand the moment it touched him. TK’s hands felt like a boon to his soul and he easily leaned into the touch. He loved TK so much, and suddenly in that moment, he didn’t care who was right or who was wrong, or that TK might leave him someday because TK was right in front of him, hurting. While Carlos picked at scabs and made everything that much harder.

It was strange how the sudden severity of the moment could override everything else, his need to protect TK taking a center stage to all his anger and fear. He was such a shit boyfriend and he easily tugged TK into his arms and held him tightly.

“This week has been hell and I’m sorry I took my bad mood out on you.“ He said softly, rubbing TK’s back as he spoke. He wished he could take it back more than anything.

“I‘m just I’m not good at talking about my feelings and it’s not about you…” Carlos shook his head he didn’t want to talk about himself when TK so clearly needed him, but if this was the only way to get him to be honest, then Carlos was just going to have to learn to share his feelings and hope for the best.

“Look, can we talk inside. For real this time. I don’t think sitting outside in the cold is good for either of us.” He glanced down at TK’s phone and noted his sponsor’s name. “Do you need me to give you a minute?” He asked, knowing that sometimes TK liked to collect himself after talking with them.

“I can wait near the door if you do.” He offered un-willing to let him out of his sight now that he had messed up so majorly.

The moment TK began to cry Carlos’ heart broke even more. “Hey - you didn’t - this isnt your fault TK, this is on me, because I’m -“ so hard to love. “Me.” He finished.

He couldn’t bring himself the say the real truth out loud, to voice his deepest fears, but he knew he would have to share them soon, and he just had to trust that TK would overlook his flaws and love him regardless.

THIS

This was the reason TK had rushed home from the shift, the reason he wasn’t completely dismantling, the reason despite the day and the fight, he suddenly felt incredibly warm and safe.

He wrapped his arms tightly around Carlos, pressing a soft kiss on his shoulder and just breathing in his familiar scent. “Our shifts not aligning didn’t help either. We didn’t see each other for more than an hour this week” he quietly observed, nodding in response to Carlos’ words.

In the year since he had met and know Carlos, TK had seen him hold his cards close to his heart, rarely opening up the most vulnerable parts of himself. In a way, TK knew he was to blame too, he had played hot and cold with him at the beginning. Plus he had never wanted to force Carlos to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with or wasn’t ready for, but it seemed evident by their fight that they’d need to work more on communicating with each other.

“I understand..and I know how uncomfortable and hard that can be..but I just want you to try as much as you are ready and willing”

Agreeing to Carlos, he picked up the phone and texted his Sponsor, thanking him for the time and advice and slowly picked himself up. “No..I’m good. Let’s go inside and talk.” This time, he intertwined his fingers with Carlos’ as he slowly got up from the ground

He had seen his own parents fight and then hate each other for days, but as he chanced a glance at his boyfriend now, he could say with absolute certainty that there was not an ounce of hatred anywhere, never had been. They may drive each other crazy at times, but when they needed each other most, they could toss every difference aside. Like Carlos had done tonight.

And it completely warmed TK’s heart.

His forehead creased in a frown at Carlos’ words and he shook his head. “You are allowed to have bad days Carlos, like anyone else. You don’t have to feel wretched because it bleeds out into our relationship. We both know how many of those I’ve hard in the past year.” TK reminded him, squeezing his hand 

“I don’t think there will ever be a time where I’ll look at you and not love you. You may piss me off somedays, annoy the shit out of me like I am sure I do to you, but I’ll also always love you just as fiercely.”

Carlos had spoken similar words when TK had been going out of his mind with the news of his dad’s cancer and had snapped more than once at him. Sure he hadn’t confessed his love and he hadn’t been passive about his behaviour, but he had opened a safe space for TK to completely break down that sturdy wall of emotions and trust that they’d be someone there to catch him. 

It was stupid that he was letting work and his emotions surrounding it cause him this many problems. Especially with TK and he realized he needed a better outlet. Letting TK was just the start, after that… he didn’t know what the next step was but he would be willing to try.

He didn’t want to keep throwing his emotions out at his boyfriend. He just wanted to be a good partner, someone TK could count on, and love fully.

“You’re right, not seeing you sucked.” He admitted, “but I want you to feel like you can tell me things like this, and I am sorry I haven’t been supportive enough for you to feel safe sharing that with me. But I promise I’m here for you.”