Welcome to my thoughts and feelings!

Wow. 💌 Special moment I wanna remember. Holy! So much to process.🏳️ I can really feel Caz's spirit praising God through this song with me. Far out.

*Tweet*

"Death could not hold you, the veil tore before you. You silenced the boast of sin and grave" ❤️

✨So my Dad told me my next song to write one about Caz so I did, wrote these lyrics last night about her death, and created this song to a backing track from @unfinishedsongs !

It's a bit sad brought me to tears before so really feeling it. 💔 It's about my twin sister Caz who died last year in 2021. I'm getting really concious of her absence and can't stand it already!! Fucking sucks! 😰

Thanks to @unfinishedsongs for letting me use this track. Hope you like what I came up with. ✔️

"We" #TWINS lyrics:

When she was little she could have had the world in her hands, 

She stared in wonder thinking of the future world that she planned,

Happy and fun times, adventures to always remember, and all the horrid times, life's light was dead yeah I remember, and it sucks you didn't get any better.

Chorus 

The world started falling down before our eyes 

We'd always agree on what bothers "we"

Look up to the sky it seems so close, yet just too far,  

Our laughing fits so hard we couldn't breathe is what I miss the most. 

Times went on and we continued being strong,

Times we kept apart is all we really did wrong,

Beat to beat this knot is soo secure,

Never break it apart, it's a part of our heart, it wouldn't

be the same without the missing piece 

It's the fact that you couldn't get any better.

I hate it so much, 

She ran out of hope, she didn't cope,

She'd been holding on for too damn long

No, I'm fine really, I swear nothing is wrong

I'm just too damn strong

Don't you remember

What will I do later on when it's forever you've been gone 

I'll never replace you this is the worst 

And when I don't know what to do I'll think of you first.

I think of you

l'll think of you

Just know that.

Look up to the sky it seems so close, yet just too far

Just know that.    

©️ - Tamara Farmer // 2022

Backing track @unfinishedsongs YOUTUBE.

Doing something with these lyrics to a backing track. Hmm what will I come up with.

______________________

"We" #Twins - Lyrics

When she was little she could have had the world in her hands,

She stared in wonder thinking of the future world as she planned,

Happy and fun adventures always to remember, the good and the bad,

Still I'll remember all the horrid times, especially when life's light was dead I'll remember, and the fact that unfortunately you didn't get any better.

Just I hate it so much, she couldn't keep holding on, I guess she just ran out of hope and she didn't know how to cope,

She'd been holding on for too long

No, I'm fine really, I swear nothing's wrong.

Chorus

The world started falling before our eyes it just fell down,

We'd always agree on what bothers "we"

when you weren't around,

Look up at the sky it seems so close, yet so far,

I think our loud singing and laughing so hard we couldn't breathe is what we miss the most.

Time went on and we continued strong,

Times we kept apart for too long are all we did wrong,

Beat to beat this knot is too secure,

You'll never break it apart, it's a part of our heart,

They wouldn't be whole without each piece holding the other one together.

When life's light was dead I'll remember, and the fact that unfortunately you couldn't get any better.

Just I hate it so much, she couldn't keep holding on, I guess she just ran out of hope and she didn't know how to cope,

She'd been holding on for too long

No, I'm fine really, I swear nothing's wrong.

Chorus

The world started falling before our eyes it just fell down,

We'd always agree on what bothers "we"

when you weren't around,

Look up at the sky it seems so close, yet so far,

I think the loud singing and laughing so hard we couldn't breathe is what we miss the most.

If only we could talk again,

If only I didn't have to say goodbye,

I dunno what I'm gonna do later on when you've been gone for too long,

And if I can say one last thing for now,

It is I'll never replace you you'll always come first, yeah this place is where you'll forever sit, this is the worst,

And all the sides I got to know in you I can't take my pick, when I don't know what to do I think of unconditional love and then I think of you.

©️ - Tamara Farmer // 2022

🖤

Coz people had recently already spoken to me about people called "The Royals" of something, to do with something coz there was some kind of connection there from way back with me and twin sister Caz to them, and that has been going on for like 6 months lately now. I was like umm royals of what? Who are they are how do they know us? I know of A british Royal Family who used to (when I watched TV) be on the news if they had a new baby or prince and princess etc, they are who I know as the royals. The royal family from England. So I wasn't sure if it is connected to them as well or not. 👯

It was a sticky situation coz when this whole royal subject happened through this journey, I was getting told there's nothing to worry about, nothing at all and my twin sister Caz is still alive, a msg from "The Royals" (apparently) themselves, whoever and whatever their royal of or in connection to. So for months I didn't grieve for Caz much just keeping it to myself hoping it was true. Well yeah not much as been said and the royal subject disappeared. I know of as the royals just "A british Royal Family" I know they came to the skate park here in Adelaide- Elizabeth I think it was the Prince William and Kate Middleton (I think it was I'm not sure) 10 years ago after my split second bam moment and I was like, omg why the hell would they go to that skate park, I was there just a few days ago ha. It's heaps daggy and a really little park. Freaked me out I wasn't sure what was going on out there for my experience after bam moment too then to see them on the news going there, we drove past at the time. ✔️ No Satan not today I'm staying with ✨JESUS✨ Oh and forgot to mention at the start of this journey 10 years ago I had The Royal Family in my head as evil Satan versions attacking and harassing me to give my life to Satan like little demons panicking, it was full on torture for ages. Was in and out and hospitals for a year. I kept ignoring it and theres no way I'd turn on God. (Jesus God) 🤪 Crazy stuff. 🙏

So back to this video, older sister Kirstie brought up the satanic label lizard people and someone from The Royal Family Meghan Markle

and it hit the spot, Kirstie copped the lot coz it rings too true to me for the double life of mine with so many lies about me and my family in that area too, and my sister is obviously is a bit behind with the goss that hardly anything in media about high class people is true these days...

With famous people especially. Also the rumours of famous singers too being satanic, losing the plot, or with the devil. 🙏

It's actually always the innocent people and groups who get the blame, and the guilty ones get away with anything and everything!! ✔️✔️✔️ People were saying the Queen was being blamed for Satan taking over the world or something. I lost my shit coz that means they were innocent being blamed and at the same time my mum was being accused of being a bad mum coz of an imposer, and she got blamed for everything the imposer wasn't, not who she is, and she's known to be the best mum in the world.

Number 1 Mum. 🤘 I've learnt that usually if people, someone or a family is being blamed and it gets around it probably means their innocent lol.

That's what I've learnt❣️❣️❣️

And also you can't trust professional people. Not even. A big one I've learnt. 🌸

The video is here below! Kirstie copped the lot. Sensitive subject haha gosh I'm a bitch 😜🙏🤘✔️✨❣️

Dear shooting star in the nights sky Can you hear me out today and let me have my say I don’t know why everything and everyone is gone I did nothing wrong and it’s not my fault yet I always get the blame And I do nothing right it always ends up the same

Do you feel as down as I feel I feel hollow and I want to know what is real When I’ve learnt so many times that life is a big deal My heart is getting tough sinking lower and numb I need it to soften and ease so it can mend for someone Dear shooting star in the nights sky Open my eyes this morning I make my way wanting today to run smoothly Step one foot in front of the other and keep going It should be okay But I feel like a waste of air please forget about me for one day Why your all out to get me and wanting to bring me down Lower and lower in the ground But you’ll never guess how low I already am 6 feet underground I pictured a future but will it ever come to me What has this life got to offer me Dear shooting star in the nights sky Walking down the street now morning is complete But walked in front of a car and I got yelled at So I tried to walk down this way next But ran into a bully who looked me up and down Surely I’m allowed to breathe the same air I guess I better not even make a sound

I’m not appreciated and I’m not a priority to anyone No one says I’m important when I look around Wouldn’t you wan’t good people here to be around Sometimes I can’t even breathe it might make a sound

Dear shooting star in the nights sky Communication is healthy but I live with the world below Lacking so much and no bright energy I just don’t know Coz there’s no one greater above me then me Needing someone to help me grow Anybody capable please come and rescue me

No one wants to give or go out of their way I had to open my mouth and walking on egg shells today Just loyal friends isn’t asking for too much Life has never been so dead before Reality seems really out of touch Dear shooting star in the nights sky I have high hopes always looking ahead Coz I have no idea what to do now my twin sister is dead Then soon my parent’s will have to go too I need good surroundings of people and don’t know what to do But I went from person to place to place to twitter No one cared for my heart of stone then it got bitter

I miss old days when positive things were said about me I’m even a better person now then I used to be But these days everything feels so empty Everyone says horrible things about me See what the hell why can’t anyone see me

Dear shooting star in the nights sky Survivial mode always kicks in Same shit different day it always has to win I pray for a way to live free from stress and the worry Someone who can replace it all come and listen to me

Will I ever find my place?   I wear my heart on my sleeve but destiny is out of sight It’s too hard to believe I do nothing wrong but nothings right I’ll keep pushing through and through yeah I just might Dear you who hears me right now, Why can’t you They Someone Them Any of you Just care and love me when you know who you are Don’t ignore me when you mean the world to me So please notice me you could make me smile Yeah coz I haven’t done that in a very long while. © - Tamara Farmer - 2022

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Someone will go "Where's your room mate?" I'm like "In the backyard" LOL 🤣🤣🤣

... flat, there's a flat in the backyard.

My mum charges her $50 a week she can't be sorry we kidnapped her. My mum lives in Port Wakefield now but it's her house 🏠.

A better quality upload. I used soundtrap for autotune and for un-distorting the music and it sounds better.

I'll be uploading this to YouTube tomorrow and deleting what I had uploaded coz quality was really bad.

Yeah this!!

I love the emotion and feel to this song, well said and felt. Wish I could belt out the high notes more. Awesome song!!

✔️

Everyone I know or more like used to know, people we were really close with, are so distant from being around and used to be the closest to "how it is" and "what's going on in life..." and whenever something happens like a flash back of a memory with a song I recorded back then, singing or anything that rings true again or for the first time again, the people who are now so distant, appear again like it was only yesterday we saw them. When I haven't seen them since ....

.....

..... What funeral?....

....

Memorial... What memorial?

......

.....

Yeah pretty heartbreaking, we didn't get around to it, we went to the funeral room to see her in her coffin and say fairwells but it was empty only close family and Caz's best friend Loz came, it's really hard coz it wasn't a celebration or anything if there was a funeral or memorial, and that's when the family friends like our close close friends like siblings almost way back then, would be there, and we heard from heaps of people to do with Caz's death, people we hadn't spoken to for some nearly 20 years and some a bit less and most 10 years. A few stuck around for a few weeks but yeah so we were planning a memorial, but days got to months and I think we just don't 'live' anymore really lol. I know it sounds weird but that's how it is, it's like life was out there one day, or now out there somewhere and left us behind or something. Since 10 years ago the split second bam moment where I thought Kelly Clarkson literally was in the house with an axe and is a psychopath (whatever one is, it was just a .... I dunno I had to look up 'what is a psychopath?" with Google when it happened) For heaps of things. Even POLTIGEIST shit lol. I was investigating and that is so not a joke. The physical feeling and everything in a click of a finger was that severely different. And no one still notices or has any sort of memory of this whole thing with me. Like as though, they weren't completely connected anymore, ah that hit a spot. But I seem to be the only one who can still connect. *Hmmm* coz I feared in a split second that, like could feel how scary it would be, that fear and physical feeling is terrifying. So yeah then after that things just went weird everywhere everyday one thing to the next, and everyone everything everywhere was gone, one by one but heaps on like one day. In one phone call. 3 friends in a row that would never not be friends turned evil on me. Said horrible things. But anyway.. Yeah like you think I'm crazy and it's all in my head? Hmmm. Well maybe but I'm sure I know something. I just dunno what it is and what it all exactly was. Anyway cut it short friends turned nasty on me really meanly like it was like WTF is going on and wrong with everyone? So I felt like I died and ended up somewhere else. Or something. Ah hate having to explain that, it's a *have to hold tears in* coz the pain of feeling like I lost Mum and she was suffering somewhere or Caz or family and friends. Hate calling it bam moment. I call it that like *a figure of speech* when your talking fast. It's not like bam the whole world ended with a big bang. No like *saying it out loud* "like, it was in a split second moment bam and it was like ..."

So I lost everyone and everything, and what I'm saying is people that were still there, some, we heard from a few, coz of Cazs death. So *I'm getting there I'm stoned* ahhhh no I don't do it anymore, just a toke. It was weird, and heaps that weren't there and left our lives even earlier throughout life contacted us too, we heard from heaps and heaps of people throughout 37 years of my life so we then never got around to a memorial. My mum and me kept talking about it but without even really being that conscious that *omg we haven't done that yet* but still conscious of her death and it was hard and dragged on but I think it was subconsciously just not gonna happen coz we hadn't seen heaps and heaps of people and it was the worst evil bad horrible thing to EVER happen to me obviously, *losing my twin sister* even though I felt like I already lost her, she's the same but different. Ah heaps different .... I dunno if that's *soul* stuff or whatever it could possibly be.... But yet we heard from everyone and were really busy so I thought wow as if she had to die for life to seem somewhat a bit how it used to be with a few peeps. But not exactly but *somewhat* so a few weeks turned into months and then they disappeared again, everyone kinda just got on with their lives again and we stopped hearing from them with Caz's death, so life kinda went back to *how it is now and what's going on now since 10 yrs ago* (it's been 6 months since she died) Oh my gosh now I'm someone else mocking me saying how sweet yes *sarcasm* that made sense we're getting there air head. Lol.

*I won't say the rest you get the point* I'm bored now. Just a moment with the Lord. *So I'm done* *Moving on* *No really I looked on the table and my pipe was sitting there and my eyes lit up and it was like heaven all over again like an excitement feeling like a new Barbie when your a kid* And I just said to God *oh just then that was a perfect example God, you got that* (high 5 yeah but he doesn't agree but I feel like I'm being stalked like there's cameras around me and Jaz gave me a cone of leaf and came up here and all of a sudden I'm on FAST FORWARD) 😂😂😂 And it was leaf not even meth lol, so no not that fast forward. Different. *To those experienced drugs users* although meth doesn't do that to me anymore. Fast forward it's weak shit these days but that's good coz it was cooking people. No I didn't have meth I had leaf. No don't you do it either, I have a high tolerance don't forget but nothing like how it used to be pure. Yeah God thought that was a good perfect example too.. Uh huh. ok I'm done. Bye. Bye.

*I'm out*

✔️✌️😁

P.s. Whenever I realise something again. Like a flash of something.... And it's pretty major (since the 10 years) all of a sudden I'm conscious that people might be paying more attention then I think, just anyone with social media or anything and then BAM all of a sudden, the people that we don't know anymore, or don't speak to anymore ... start commenting and messaging posts and videos and msgs and comments to me.... Stuff to do with me or them or Caz or us or something. All of a sudden randomly they comment again when it's like huh, where have you been? As though it was just like yesterday.

So yeah that's what I was posting and saying in the start of the blabbering. It's like wtf. Why does that happen. Then it's like *yeah let's make out I have life around me LIFE. YEAH RIGHT* 😮‍💨

I've just noticed that. It's so weird. 6 months Caz died and then there's a comment as though I just spoke to peeps yesterday.

CANT BELIEVE SHE DIED 😭

Song to Caz I wrote lyrics for about her inhailing, and I worked with someone from bandhub and ended up recording this. This was a simple draft but all it was then, before I put more to it years later when I started finding people to pay to help on fiverr.... !

The blue one is what it became years later when I paid someone to put a drum beat to it.

More then enough + [I'm royal]

Uploading it to YouTube when I get home... ❣️

I hear you crying from a distance,

I see you wiping away tears of existence,

It wouldn't help if I say what I can't say, ohh

Why does breathing have to seem so wrong,

And sometimes life is like a sad song.

Pre-chorus

Where did all the bad come from?

Believe in hope but we only see what we chose and want to believe,

Haters will hate, go take a hike,

Let's press it stop now, right on,

... Coz we know what it's like.

Chorus

And you know what it's like,

Yeah, you know, you know,

Go with the flow, it's how it goes,

Fed up and tired so you just might,

Punch a wall or go start a fight,

Nothing more fit then strong, brave, and always tough,

Screaming outta sight,

"Hey you, all you, I'm more then enough!"

So you lit up your fire, electrocuted yourself with a wire,

The days ahead seem pointless,

Earphones, press play and stay in bed,

Dreaming to get through the thunder and storm,

Each heartbeat you yawn,

And the brighter days now turned to dawn.

Pre-chorus

Where did all the bad come from?

Believe in hope but we only see what we chose and want to believe,

Haters will hate, go take a hike,

Let's press it stop now, right on,

... Coz we know what it's like.

Chorus

And you know what it's like,

Yeah, you know, you know,

Go with the flow, it's how it goes,

Fed up and tired so you just might,

Punch a wall or go start a fight,

Nothing more fit then strong, brave, and always tough,

Screaming outta sight,

"Hey you, all you, I'm more then enough!"

A shout out to the bullies, traitors, and fakes,

Love me or don't, notice me or not, it's really up to you,

Treat me like I'm nothing but don't expect I'll get through,

Coz when you don't show empathy, look out and watch what I do,

Didn't think I'd survive it 'no way out' got me through,

And I'll always have the last say,

my second name, don't wear it out, Let's play it your way,

Goodbye, fairwell,

Oh yeah you know how ..... *Space*

....... Guess I'm out ... !

So please obey the rules,

I'm cool, your freaking greatest loss,

Yeah, what else, oh and I'm the boss,

Just one more thing then that's all,

I'm full of love and care, so count me out and watch me fall,

I'm loyal, a heart of gold and a fucking nightmare, but more then enough

- yeah, I'm royal !