'Tism Lizard

There is no way these people would be able to comprehend that these are some of the ways I pay my rent and bills:

- selling leashes and carabiners at the lesbian sex party

- voice acting as a gnome getting crushed to death and begging for his life

- legitimately dressing like a clown

- playing jazz in the goth club... After handing out 50 party blowers so said goths can join in and play jazz too

- riding a train with eye tracking glasses and complaining about public transport

- putting a staple gun to my face and pulling the trigger

I live a clown life. Haven't written a resume in like 6 years and I don't even know how to anymore I am not gonna lie.

- Ur white but not anglo white, and an anglo white person thinks it's ok to say racist shit around you BC of your skin colour l

- U aren't visibly disabled so able bodied people feel safe saying ableist shit about other ppl to you

- U are thin and so is the other person so they think you're fine with them saying fatphobic things and that you'll just go along with it

- Ppl assume you to be a specific gender when Ur not so they go completely mask off and say shit that would never be appropriate to say to anyone, but they think you will agree based off your perceived gender

This surely has to have a name right

Emails and interactions be like

"hi team"

"I saw you guys at *insert place*"

"omg I love that brand" @ me standing in front of them and they don't know who I am

Like yes it is actually awesome I am able to do this and I continue to work very hard to sustain it. But there's something really weird about seeing at least 1 pic a day of something you made with your hands, being worn by someone else, and you just like... Knocked it together listening to music and smashing energy drinks, sent it in the post and BAM now it's on the internet??? And even weirder when I'm in public and see something I've made pass me by???

Three different men I spoke to today: "what browser are you using"

Me: "I can assure you this is a site issue. Also I've used *insert many browsers* and I'm running Linux, and I will not be getting google chrome or edge because I don't want to give my Linux setup AI cancer"

Each of the three men: "download chrome and it will work"

Me: "literally this is an API error, also please tell me how to use your site"

Them: "oh it's because you're on Linux". *Insert various levels of mansplaining despite these people being customer service, not IT*

Whenever I call up places about their broken ass websites I'm genuinely just going to lie and say I'm on win 11 with chrome because the moment I say scary words like "Linux", "Firefox" or "ungoogled chromium" these people shit the bed.

I actually had a man tell me today that ungoogled chromium is "vegan chrome" and that my Firefox browser was "going into protection mode because maybe it thought I got hacked", as though Firefox is some entity that bites you like a kicked dog pushed into a corner.

These ppl low-key mocked me being "scared of getting hacked" when really I don't want my computer giving me a colonoscopy every time I use a web browser, and in reality, it would be easy to "hack" these fucks through social engineering because they yap on about anything and don't have their guard up. Nor do they know what the fuck they're talking about half the time when you say Technology Terms.

Men treating me like I'm stupid and don't know what I'm talking about, meanwhile I'm handling sensitive employee details and all of my business data ever and these mfers probs have their nudes backed up on cloud. It's actually fascinating how chill people are with mass surveillance and how apparently I'm the insane one for 1) wanting an OS and distro that actually functions, and 2) not volunteering feeding my data to megacorps.

I've seen a few people around the internet who have the exact vibe I'm after, but these people are never in highly visible positions in society. They're just A Person On The Internet you kind of have to dig to find.

I felt so fucking delegitimized when growing up, by the fact MOST representation was in fashion illustration and anime. I genuinely thought I had some fucked up fetish or was just a massive weeb and was a bit "too" into some characters when realistically, THEY ARE ALL I EVER HAD.

I feel like so many trans ppl can point to celebrities and be like "yes, this pls. I would like this". As for me? Bruh I was crying at 13 when my chest started developing BC I would never be built like Alois Trancy. I saw myself in Phos (Land of The Lustrous) and in Doll (Book of Circus). Ghost in The Shell has stuck with me for years, but even then there's not a single piece of art of Motoko that has a flat chest without being a full, hypermasc genderbend.

I don't even see a lot of people like me in transmasc circles. I'm not after "more soft transmasc vibes but still a Man". Literally I am neither. I am not a man or woman. I am the in between and something else entirely distinct and I never, ever see myself and what I want clearly represented. To most people, I'm just a woman because of how I look despite the fact I would dress and act entirely the same if my torso wasn't shaped like this. If I were AMAB, I would probs want some kind of feminisation to bring me into the middle anyway - it was always about true neutrality.