tired ash

it's the taste of tragedy sitting on the back of my tongue, threatening to make me sick.

"cherish the time you have left with him" and yet all i feel is relief. goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. may his soul find the darkness it so loudly craves. may his soul find the hurt it so bravely gave.

i feel a bit better about it all. i think most of all, i feel sad for what i lost. sad for what i didn't have. sad for what was traded for someone else's desire. i am sad for what could have been. and i think that's where my rage lies - in what was stolen from me. in what was taken away. and i could never do anything to stop it, it was never my choice. but maybe this is the circle finally coming to a close? he hit me when i was 19, and i almost pushed him down the stairs, and i feel like it was the death mark. between us and for him. i would outlive him and do better, and i will, and i have. i am so angry at what was ripped away from me, from my sister. that's what really upsets me. and i always said, i would finally process all of this once he died. maybe that feels scary. maybe it was much easier to simply ignore it all so i didn't need to face the big feelings. but maybe also there feels like an end to a darkness, and maybe the chance at freedom. and healing.