How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief
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@tiredofname
How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, from Notes on Grief

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βI donβt know what they are called, the spaces between seconds β but I think of you always in those intervals.β
β Salvador Plascencia, The People of Paper
A Dying Friendship
Do you know whatβs really sad?Β
Realizing that you have to end a friendship with your best friend for their own happiness, and for your own. Looking in their eyes as they ramble while feeling like something has settled inside of you. Smiling even as realization hits that itβs time to part ways.
This isnβt over a big fight, or a romantic reason, itβs the affection you have for them pushing you to make a decision so that both of you could live in peace.Β
Itβs the feeling of acceptance with a taste of sadness because this has been your person, for so long, and now you have to slowly push them away. You have to manipulate the situation little by little to make them believe that it was just life that got in the way. That itβs what always tends to happen with people that have known each other for years, since teenagers, thatΒ βlife just happened, and you lost contact.β.
Because the sad thing is that youβve outgrown them. That youβre ready to let them go, not only for your own health because it sucks to look back, and realize youβve always given more to the friendship than they have. That you were more of a mother than a friend. That all the plans youβve made together will fade away in the air, and now youβll have to do it alone. Itβs better to end it quietly then let it end in disaster. The good thing is when you know youβll leave them in good hands, that they have good friends to keep them safe, to listen to them, that they have other best friends. Being more of a mother makes you realize that itβs going to be hard on them, that youβve been guiding them for so long that now theyβre going to have to face it all alone. That you wonβt be there to see them accomplish all their dreams, to see them outgrow their insecurities.Β
Itβs different to know that letting them go will essentially leave you alone because unlike them, you donβt have a group of friends, theyβve been your one true friend, yet itβs also freeing because now you know youβre ready to create another path where youβll find people who truly fit your life, who understand many things that your best friend never could because both of you were the definition of opposites in every little thing. Opposite in personality, in childhoods, in mentality, etc. Everything, and now itβs time to walk different paths, and youβre the only one that knows that you canβt look back even if they try to follow. That itβs better for you both even though theyβll go on believing that you just grew apart without ever knowing that it was by choice, for their own sake.Β
Itβs hard, but when you finally have that feeling wash over you, youβll realize that as hard as it is, itβs also freeing, and peaceful. Because itβs time to chose yourself than always choosing them.
Itβs so crazy how you can be sobbing your eyes out at 2:30 in the morning and then wake up like nothing happened and go about your day.
you ever feel so grown up bc things arenβt the same as before. everythingβs so changed and now youβre caught in the crossfire??
for a moment time stops, nostalgia never ends, and deep down thereβs smth missing, smth hallow and you try to fill it up with anything but the crack is opening even more.
eventually youβll have to press resume. even tho you canβt wrap your mind about how time passed so fast, even tho you canβt believe how one day everything, everyone, will fade into memories, and even tho itβs so damn hard to βlive your best daysβ with people youβre so scared of losing, even tho all that you still have to wake up from the daydream.
moving on is terrifying, everyday closer to the end i lose a piece of me, iβm scared soon iβll have nothing left to lose.

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iβm trying so hard to hold onto that rope,
not to let go,
but my world is shaking,
and my hands are bleeding.
iβm tired.
what it is to wake up everyday,
and question your purpose?
your goals,
your beliefs,
your actions,
basically your life.Β
you donβt have an answer to any βwhyβ question in your head, and you feel utterly helpless.Β
you wake up now and thereβs a new test everydayΒ
theyβre waiting,
watching,
will you fail today?
or will you pass with a low mark?
will you crumble over and give up?
or will you bear small scratches and survive?
everyday,
iβm being tested beyond what iβve known as my limits.Β
because what are limitations when youβre in a constant, exhausting, and energy-draining battle with life??
i got a lot of days when life was beating my assΒ
only difference this time,
i donβt have time to recover from the bruises when i feel another hit coming.Β
and i donβt think iβll ever recover from the trauma either.
You were unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.
Simon Van Boy, Everything Beautiful Began After
I saw that nothing was permanent. You donβt want to possess anything that is dear to you because you might lose it.
Yoko Ono
i'm sorry i built
a home out of you
like you were made of clay.
i didn't realize you had
no intention of
inviting me to stay.

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I can say with great certainty and absolute honesty that I did not know what love was until I knew what love was not.
Moving forward
I met an old version of me.
I recognised her;
the chaos felt familiar.
It was almost an invitation to step back.
I just have to remind her
of how far she has come.
Just a few more layers to shed,
to break the chains of the past.
of ancient beliefs and systems.
They have to remain with the old version.
She is moving
forward.
you went.
and i didn't know what to do.
i still don't know how to grieve
and still don't know how to accept your loss.
now whenever someone is gone.
i relate it to you.
it takes me right back to the starting point.
takes me back to the sleepless nights.
takes me back to the tear-spilled pillows.
takes me back to the dark nights,
i wish to forget.
you're everywhere,
but nowhere.
i still wear your watch,
but i forgot how you used to look at it.
i still hide your shirts,
but i can't smell you in them anymore.
i still sleep in your bed,
but i wake up cold and lonely.
everything seems the same,
but without you everything has changed.
my favourite thing about writing is slipping in totally innocent lines that will absolutely DESTROY the reader on a second readthrough
"How do you tell people?
How do you tell them that you're exhausted even though you slept for 10 hours?
How do you tell them that you need a break from talking and smiling and simply being near them?
How do you tell them that although you love them, you so desperately need to be alone tonight?"
- Midnight thoughts (I'm burnt out)

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Let's talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand why you're having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Let's talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why.
maybe we feel empty
because we leave pieces of ourselves
in everything we used to love.