7 THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR
1. Barking Loudly at a Small Dog. . . 🐶
. . . whose leash is tied to the bike rack outside Trader Joe’s, causing the dog to bark back, and then escalating it to growling and snarling, until finally the owner comes out and asks you what the hell you think you’re doing. Barking now at the owner too. Then biting owner, hard, on the arm, knocking over their groceries, and then kicking the stuff across the floor. (This is someone you don’t know, by the way; a stranger). Stepping on the carton of strawberries and squashing them all. Gingerly popping open the lid of a carton of eggs with the toe of your shoe to reveal a thus-far miraculously unscathed dozen, and then punting that crew, hard. As hard as you damn well can, while screaming obscenities like a lunatic, and generally making a profane spectacle of yourself before finally skulking off into the grim and hopeless night that your life is rapidly becoming.
2. Elbow Drop From The Top Rope . . . 🤼
. . . It's called the "top" rope for a reason, new jack: because it's the most electrifying rope in the world today, figuratively in most cases, but not next Sunday at Muscular Revelation VII, when 5,000 volts of literal electricity will course through the ropes of the squared circle, shocking the audience and shocking the wrestlers as everyone screams and begs for me to turn off the current but I can't the lever is stuck on "on."
3. Bringing Your Android Conjugal Companion as a Your Date to a Community Theater Production of ‘Our Town’ . . . 🎭
. . . polycarbonate skeleton girded with a dense layer of hyperrealistic “flesh” synthesized from young jackfruit, harvested sustainably and sculpted with an artisan’s confident precision into something you can and do love, deeply. Intermission arm-candy has rarely been this lifelike and certainly never as durable. But can "Synthia" withstand the withering gaze of your amateur thespian Uncle Ralph, who coveted but failed to land the role of "The Stage Manager" and thus is (1) completely unoccupied during intermission (2) full of spiteful, nervous energy in need of an outlet as he prowls about the lobby (3) cattily swirling his third-and-a-halfth plastic flute of champagne?
4. When Your Arrow Goes Astray. . . 🏹
. . . and pierces a bystander in the heart, causing them to die. Sorry but life’s tough. Be aware of your surroundings, people. Christ. I practice here. I flex my bow here every week at this time. Sorry that you didn’t know that but now you do.
5. Sending Your Son to an Expensive, Science Camp Thing at St. Tadpole’s Institute for the Advancement of Knowledge of the Paddle-Tailed Newt. . . 🦎
. . . Elite education costs money. It's an investment. You have the money because you earned it by working hard. The child expressed an interest in newts on several occasions over dinner and once, loudly and unexpectedly, during his sister’s piano recital, so goddamn it, if he wants newts, let’s give him newts. Toss him in at the deep end.
6. Singing Along with the Car Radio. . . 📻
. . . loudly and off-key and with manic abandon. Rolling down your windows so all can hear and pass judgement, and when your car comes to a stop at a red light, signaling frantically to the driver in the car adjacent to yours to roll down their window too, and when they do, screaming obscenities like a lunatic and chucking a pink water balloon filled with pink paint out your window and in through theirs and then laughing maniacally, turning up your radio to max, and speeding away recklessly through the still-red light as the latex projectile erupts all over the leather interior of their luxury SUV. And then, the coup de grâce, erecting Synthia shotgun from her previously slouched position, and thus semi-allowing yourself to exploit a legal gray area (one of many her existence has made manifest) as you shunt your vehicle past the metered entry of the nearest interstate onramp and into the freeway HOV lane, completely unmolested by the jaded, near-retirement motorcycle cop who has seen you pull this crap many, many times before.
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