Time Squad’s Adam & Eve Ep
…so back when we started, Dave and I wrote our Time Squad scripts like books. We quickly learned Final Draft once Michael Karnow was hired and set us straight. Here’s an ep that was never made. I believe I wanted Tommy Chong to play Adam but I remember Dave thinking he was too obvious a choice.
This is my thank you to all the TS fans <3
©️®️
In Dagada Da Vida
We open on the satellite where we see a montage of different rooms and corridors as the sound of a dollar bill being inserted and rejected from a candy machine is heard echoing through the ship. We then see Tuddrussel calmly entering a futuristic looking dollar into the candy machine’s money insertor as it once again spits it out. We see Tuddrussel’s reflection in the window as he licks his chops while eyeing a shrink-wrapped donut. We cut back to see him calmly step back off screen. We then hear the sound of a full run as Tuddrussel re enters with a scream as he tackles the machine. We cut back to a hallway as Larry and Otto come out of their rooms to the sounds of laser blasts and screaming. They both run and turn a corner to the sight of Tuddrussel standing over the smoldering candy machine triumphantly holding his laser gun as his chest heaves up and down.
“Oh, hey guys.” Tuddrussel says out of breath.
“Wha…what are you doing?” Otto asks.
“Just getting a donut.” Tuddrussel says as he reaches into the broken glass and pulls out a packaged donut. He then begins to unwrap it with all his strength, which then leads to him biting and clawing at the plastic cover. He then throws it down and blasts it with his phaser. We cut back to Larry and Otto as they shield their faces from the laser fire. Tuddrussel again is left standing in the charred hallway with his chest heaving.
“Hey, it’s gonna be alright.” Otto says as he slowly takes Tuddrussel’s hand while Larry cautiously removes his phaser from his other hand.
“Now, you didn’t need all that junk food after all. I’ll make you a nice healthy breakfast.” Larry says cautiously.
“Doesn’t that sound nice.” Otto says in a kindly tone.
“Stupid donut.” Tuddrussel says under his breath.
We then see Otto standing in the kitchen with Larry as he looks at Tuddrussel squeezing two stress-balls in his hands.
“Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean, calm blue…” Tuddrussel chants quietly while swaying back and forth at the breakfast table.
“Larry, I’m a little worried about Tuddrussel. He’s seems a little…stressed lately.” Otto says as Larry wears a chef hat and cooks diligently.
“A little, ha! His blood pressure is through the roof. All he really needs is a good hot breakfast though. Go out and talk to him while I finish these ‘eggs ala bolognese’. Now shoo!” Larry says while pushing Otto into the dining room. Otto takes a seat next to Tuddrussel.
“Hi buddy, how ya feelin’?” Otto asks Tuddrussel.
“Pretty good, oh you mean…with the donut? Oh that was nothing! I was just a little hungry.” Tuddrussel says blowing off the entire incident.
“Oh, well that’s good ‘cause Larry’s making a great breakfast!” Otto says relieved. Just then Larry comes out of the kitchen carrying two covered silver platters and sets then down lovingly in front of Otto and Tuddrussel. Larry then lifts the lids off the trays revealing Tuddrussel and Otto’s expressions as Otto smiles and Tuddrussel goes from a happy face to a grimace as they look at a very fancy mixed assortment of food oddities.
“What’s this?” Tuddrussel says disgusted as he runs his fork through a runny egg in a piecrust.
“Why that’s ‘gruere preschutto quiche’ in a plumb sauce glaze! It was King Philip of the Vector quadrant’s favorite dish.” Larry says with a smile.
“Larry, what about this dish?” Otto asks while cautiously cutting into a fish plate.
“Oh that’s a pescado brochette with a warm potato galette in an onion fondue with a flying fish caviar cream. I hear it’s quite delicious.” Larry says attentively.
“Wow, this is good!” Otto says with a smile and a mouth full of fish.
“I’m not even going to ask.” Tuddrussel groans as he pushes away a plate of snails.
“Why that’s the ‘Cassolettes d'Escargot’! A lovely little dish I learned to make in culinary school in Brussels. Bon Apetit!” Larry says in a cheery voice. We see Otto chew happily as Tuddrussel slowly grabs the edge of the table in an angry fashion.
“This all looks…TERRIBLE!” Tuddrussel says in a rage as he flips the table over. Otto still chews and swallows what was in his mouth. Larry gasps. “I haven’t had a decent meal in months! Can’t a guy get a sandwich around here?” Tuddrussel continues. Larry looks on in shock when Otto comes to the rescue.
“What he means is…uh, he’s not used to eating such exquisite dishes.” Otto says trying to cover up Tuddrussel’s action.
“No, you were going to have me eat snails! I have been stuffing the mattress of this chair with food for months.” Tuddrussel says with a red face to Larry as he points to his chair that has a bushel of meals stuffed in it. Larry gasps as Tuddrussel continues his rant. “Bacon, eggs, toast! That’s a breakfast! All you make is foo foo soaked in…poo poo!” Tuddrussel screams as he begins to turn bright red while breathing heavily and sweating.
“You…are the worst cook…ever! Ow, now my arm’s gone numb!” Tuddrussel grabs his left arm as he weases out and collapses face first into all the food on the floor in an Inspector Clusaue manner.
“Well fine, I’m never cooking for you two again!” Larry says in a sassy tone while looking down at Tuddrussel on the ground. We cut to black and fade up in a blur from Tuddrussel’s POV to an up shot of Larry and Otto.
“Wake up Tuddrussel, are you okay?” Otto asks.
“Wha…what happened?” Tuddrussel grumbles.
“I think I’m going to have to zap him!” Larry says as his hands begin to glow with electricity. “Clear!” Larry says as Otto steps back and Larry shocks Tuddrussel’s chest.
“Aaaaagghhhh! What did you do that for!” Tuddrussel yells as we cut back to show him jump to his feet.
“Well according to my readings, you just passed out from nervous exhaustion. I was reviving you!” Larry says while he reads charts being faxed out of his chest.
“Sounds more like food poisoning to me.” Tuddrussel says in a sarcastic tone to Larry.
“Tuddrussel, it’s obvious you just need some time to relax, when’s your next vacation?” Otto asks.
“Vacation?” Tuddrussel asks.
“Back in the time Otto’s from employees were allowed a certain amount of time away from their jobs to relax and not work. It was believed that this made for a happier and more productive worker.” Larry informs Tuddrussel.
“Pfft! Well, la-dee-da! That may be fine for some tea-sippin’ pansy, but I’m a cop and we don’t need…” Tuddrussel starts in a cynical tone. Suddenly the ships alarm goes off and Tuddrussel startled by the noise clutches his left arm and falls downward off screen.
“Here we go again!” Larry says as he charges his hands and goes down off screen. We see a blue glow and hear Tuddrussel scream as Otto flinches at the sight of him getting fried. We cut to the ship’s computer as Larry walks up and starts typing coordinates into the keyboard. Tuddrussel and Otto walk up behind him as smoke trails off Tuddrussel’s body. The screen shows an image of a perfect naked couple with blonde hair and blue eyes covered in fig leafs. It reads under them, ‘Adam and Eve, Garden of Eden’.
“Wow, it looks like we’re going all the way back to the Garden of Eden to see Adam and Eve. They were responsible for ruining paradise when Eve ate the forbidden apple.” Otto says. All three begin to walk towards the time transporter.
“Garden? (shivering sound) Sounds awfully organic.” Larry says in an irritated tone.
“Tuddrussel, the Garden of Eden was a utopia. This mission might be just the thing you need.” Otto says enthusiastically.
“Well, It couldn’t be any worse than getting shocked twice by this walking cattle prod.” Tuddrussel says eyeing Larry.
“Hey, I saved your life.” Larry says offended. The three get into the time transporter and bam, they are blasted to the past. We cut to a blue sky as our three heroes blast on screen. The camera has all three in a medium shot close together.
“Paradise huh?” Tuddrussel says skeptically while looking around. We pull back to reveal the three of them sitting on a large zebra. It suddenly starts to kick and jump while yelping. Time Squad Patrol hold on for dear life. Tuddrussel Larry and Otto are then bucked off and fall hard onto the grass and the zebra runs off in a huff.
“Ugh, I’m allergic to large beasts.” Larry says cowardly.
“But you’re a robot, how can you have allergies?” Otto asks.
“I don’t know. I just do. Augh, a snake!” Larry screams while jumping into Tuddrussel’s arms. A devilish looking snake slithers bye Time Squad Patrol.
“(Cough) I think…(Cough cough) I’m having another attack!” Tuddrussel says dropping Larry.
“No Tuddrussel, (Inhale, exhale) that’s just fresh air!” Otto says with a grin. Larry looks around cautiously and takes in a breath and immediately sneezes.
“WACHOO! Ohhh.” Groans Larry.
“(Inhale) Wow, this is kinda nice.” Tuddrussel says with a smile. We pan over the horizon and show paradise. From waterfalls to rolling green hills, the Garden of Eden is breath taking. As the music swells we cut back to Larry spraying an entire can of bug repellent at a butterfly as it falls to the earth.
“Well our mission seems obvious. We need to find Eve, get her to eat one of those forbidden apples and we can be on our way.” Larry says as he sprays the fallen butterfly a couple more times with the bug repellent. We then see some bushes rustle next to Time Squad Patrol. Tuddrussel immediately pulls out his phaser and aims in its direction.
“Who goes there!” Tuddrussel barks in a stern tone.
“Whoa, hold your fire man, we come in peace brother.” A shirtless man says as he rises up out of the bushes. He and the girl with him are hardly dressed wearing fig leaves and other natural covers. The two come out toward our heroes. They both look like flower children. The man has a beard and wild long hair while the woman has face paint and many flowers in her hair.
“Welcome to the Garden of Eden!” The man says. “My name’s Adam and this is Eve, my cosmic soul mate.” Adam says as he gestures to Eve.
“Peace.” Eve says holding two fingers up as she walks over to the gang and puts leis around each of their necks. Larry flinches as Eve gives him a peck on the cheek along with his lei.
“We were going to go on our daily swim in the enchanted lake. Come join us friends. It’ll be groovy.” Adam says walking towards the lake with Eve.
“C’mon Tuddrussel, a swim will do you good.” Otto says as he runs behind Adam and Eve. Tuddrussel follows as Larry is left standing.
“What about the mission?!” Larry yells as we hear an elephant roar in the distance and Larry follows the gang terrified. We then cross dissolve to the lake as Adam and Eve swim around and laugh carelessly. Larry and Tuddrussel stand at the lake’s edge.
“Wow, I haven’t been swimming in years.” Tuddrussel tells Larry.
“Look out dude!” Otto says running past Tuddrussel and Larry wearing only his underwear. (And no glasses) He cannonballs into the lake with a splash. “C’mon in guys, the water’s great. In fact, it’s perfect!” Otto says while treading water. We cut back as Larry is now standing alone. Tuddrussel runs bye him wearing only his mask, shorts and a belt as he jumps into the water almost splashing Larry.
“Last one in is a rotten egg! Woohoo!” Tuddrussel yells. Larry walks to the water’s edge and lightly dabs the tip of his metal foot into the water. We cut in close to see Larry’s metal instantly rust on contact. Larry jumps back in fright.
“Ugh! Rust!” Larry says in a high pitched voice as he scrambles backwards. We cut back to the lake as Tuddrussel and Otto ride dolphins through the water.
“C’mon Larry!” Otto yells in the distance. Larry grumbles. We cut back to Otto and Tuddrussel in the water.
“Man, this is great.” Tuddrussel proclaims.
“I agree, paradise is excellent!” Otto says as Adam splashes him in the face. We cut back to Larry’s point of view as Tuddrussel, Otto, Adam, and Eve splash one another and laugh carelessly. Larry grumbles to himself. We cut to a series of activities between Adam and Eve and the gang. First we see all of them prancing through a flower patch. Everyone is happy except Larry who follows behind, sneezes and falls. Next we see all of them swinging on vines in the jungle. Each one goes from vine to vine in unison like Tarzan. Larry again is last slamming into a tree like George of the Jungle. Last we see the gang all petting a monkey. We pan over to Larry approaching at a sinister looking monkey to the side. He tries to pet it but as soon as his hand meets the monkey’s head it attacks him. Adam and Eve and the gang laugh at his misfortune. We cross dissolve to the woods as we see a light swarm of flies hover over a rustling bush. The sound of a zipper being pulled up is heard as Larry rises.
“There isn’t even a decent place to dump my oil. I’m already starting to chafe!” Larry says in an annoyed tone. We cut to Otto and Tuddrussel as they lay under a tree. Larry comes out of the woods spraying bug repellent everywhere.
“I just saw Adam and Eve singing ‘Kumbaya’ or something on the other side of the forest, let’s figure out a way to get Eve to eat that forbidden apple so that we can finish the mission, leave this filthy national park and get back home.” Larry says in a strict tone
“Leave? Are you out of your mind? This place is great!” Tuddrussel says.
“Yeah, and look how relaxed Tuddrussel is. Just watch…Hey Tuddrussel, what is Time Squad Patrol’s motto?” Otto asks.
“Uh, to protect…and uh, look out or something.” Tuddrussel says as he goes back to sleep.
“Y’see! Anyway, Adam and Eve are really nice. And tonight, we’re gonna trip out looking at the stars .” Otto says as he lies back down.
“Ugh, have you two gone mad?!” Larry protests. Suddenly Adam and Eve walk up to them holding hands.
“Hey, you guys wanna go prance through the flower garden again?” Eve asks.
“You bet!” Tuddrussel says as he leaps to his feet.
“Yahoo!” Otto agrees.
“Groovy.” Adam adds. They all skip away leaving Larry standing alone.
“Fine, I’ll do it without you.” Larry screams.
We then fade up on Larry picking an apple from the forbidden apple tree. Larry then runs off screen in a sinister fashion. We cut to Larry walking up to Eve as she, Otto, Tuddrussel and Adam play with a hackey sack on a hill.
“Hello Eve, you looked famished. Would you care for a bite of this apple?” Larry asks politely.
“No way, we’re not supposed to eat from the forbidden apple tree. And anyway, I’m a strict vegetarian, no fruit! Fruit kills the earth.” Eve says in a strict manner.
“No it doesn’t. Look.” Larry says as he opens his metal mouth and puts the apple in and we hear a sound like an apple being dropped into a bucket. “Mmmmm!” Larry says with a fake smile. He then removes the apple from his hollow chest by opening a lever door in his front and tries to hand it to Eve. “Now you try one!” Larry asks again.
“No. Look man, your harshing my mellow.” Eve says authoritatively. Suddenly the hackey sack comes from off screen and nails Larry in the face. We cut to Tuddrussel standing off to the side.
“Yeah, don’t harsh her mellow. Larry!” Tuddrussel yells. Larry takes the apple and stomps off.
“You haven’t seen the last of me!” Larry says in a harsh tone.
“Man, what’s that dude’s problem?’ Adam asks Tuddrussel.
“Oh, he’s a robot.” Tuddrussel replies. We then cut to a montage of Larry offering Eve apples in different places around Eden. (It will be played as an homage to ‘Green Eggs and Ham’.) We first see the gang braiding each other’s hair as Larry presents the apple and a pair to Eve.
“Would you like an apple with a pair?” Larry asks.
“No!” Eve responds. We next see Eve and the gang dancing around a fire at night as Larry walks up with an apple as a bear stands beside him.
“Could you eat one with a bear? Larry asks.
“No!” Eve responds. We then see the gang playing frisbee.
“Would you like one in a park?” Larry asks.
“No!” Eve responds. We then see Eve and the gang meditating while sitting Indian-style on the ground at night as Larry walks up and whispers to her.
“Could you eat one in the dark?” Larry asks.
“No!” Eve whispers back. Next we see the gang sun bathing on a beach.
“Would you eat one near the sea?” Larry asks.
“No!” Eve responds. Finally we see the gang folk singing while sitting next to a tree as Larry’s head comes in upside down out of a tree’s leaves as he offers the apple.
“Could you eat one in a tree?” Larry asks.
“No!” Eve responds as Larry falls. “I do not like them with a pair, I would not eat one with a bear. I do not like them in the dark; I would not eat one in a park. I do not like them when I tan, I don’t like to eat apples man!” Eve protests loudly to Larry.
“Yeah, lay off!” Otto adds.
“Fine. I give up! If I never see any of you again it’ll be too soon!” Larry says storming off.
“Ah, who needs ya!” Tuddrussel yells. We hold a beat.
“Now who wants to go prance through the flower patch?” Adam asks.
“Well, we did that yesterday but…okay.” Tuddrussel says
“Groovy!” Adam says as the group skips away. We then show the gang prancing, swinging on the vine and swimming two more times as Tuddrussel and Otto seem to grow tired as Adam and Eve continue happily. We end on Tuddrussel and Otto standing exhausted in the flower patch. Also Tuddrussel has grown a beard and Otto’s hair is long. Adam and Eve skip up to them.
“What’s wrong? You guys aren’t prancing.” Adam asks.
“Uh, that’s all we’ve done for months.” Tuddrussel protests.
“Then we’ll just go swing on some vines!” Eve says.
“I’m gonna choke you with that vine!…oh sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Otto corrects himself.
“We’ll catch up with you two later.” Tuddrussel says through his teeth.
“Okay, groovy.” Adam says and the two skip off holding hands.
“If he says groovy one more time…Aaugh! I’m losing my mind. Everywhere I look is a tree or a flower. If I have to see one more rainbow I’m going to scratch my eyes out! Uh oh.” Tuddrussel says in a fit of paranoia as he grabs his left arm and falls over. Otto looks down at him.
“I miss TV.” Otto proclaims. We fade out. We then fade up on Larry sweeping the entrance to a cave marked with a scratch for every day he has spent in Eden. He is a bit rusted and ragged but still his pompous self.
“Larrrrrrry!” Otto is heard off in the distance.
“Where are you!” Tuddrussel yells in a panicked tone. Larry shakes his head in disgust. Suddenly Tuddrussel and Otto spot him and run up.
“Oh man, are we happy to see you buddy.” Tuddrussel says while grabbing Larry’s shoulders.
“We’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Otto adds.
“We need to finish this mission and get out of this nightmare world of relaxation and love and swinging on vines!” Tuddrussel pleads. Larry pauses for a beat then speaks.
“Well, well, well, I guess Larry wasn’t so dumb after all.” Larry starts.
“We never said you were dumb!” Otto protests.
“Yeah, I just said you were a terrible cook.” Tuddrussel says.
“Aha! The truth comes out. And now what do you think.” Larry asks.
“I’ll eat all the snails you want when we get home!” Tuddrussel pleads.
“Apology accepted.” Larry says as Tuddrussel kisses his hand.
“Look Larry, I’ve got a plan, but we’re gonna need your help.” Otto says. We fade out. We fade up on Adam and Eve as they stand around the forest. Eve’s stomach growls.
“Whoa, I’m like hungry man.” Eve says.
“You said it dude.” Adam agrees.
“Did somebody say, hungry?” Larry says from off screen as he comes in holding a large silver platter under a dome as Tuddrussel and Otto walk behind him. He sets it down in front of Adam and Eve.
“Wow, is all this for me?” Eve asks innocently.
“Think of it as my little way of saying, thank you.” Larry says raising the lid to reveal a beautifully exquisite looking pie dish.
“Crepe de Chafonne flambé! You see, where I come from we have this thing called cooking! It makes food taste good!” Larry says in a sharp manner as he looks at Tuddrussel. Tuddrussel rolls his eyes. Larry then lights the pie with a flame coming out of his finger as Adam and Eve ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh.’ Larry then blows it out. “Bon apetit!” Larry says with a smile.
“Wait, what’s this made of?” Eve says skeptically.
“Oh, just some things I found…around.” Larry says innocently. Adam and Eve look at each other, shrug and lick their lips devouring the entire plate as they begin to push each other away like rabid dogs.
“Get away, he said it was for me!” Eve proclaims to Adam.
“Stop being so greedy!” Adam yells as they finish the plate off.
“That was delicious!” Eve proclaims licking her fingers.
“That is the best thing I’ve ever eaten. What was it?” Adam asks.
“Oh, just a French recipe for…apple pie!” Larry says letting out a sinister laugh as lighting strikes behind him and dark clouds form.
“Apples? Adam you idiot, I told you it was a trick you dirty hippie!” Eve yells.
“Hippie? You’re the one that’s naked!” Adam says pointing at Eve.
“Shut up!” Eve screams. The two go into a light slapping match as rain falls and lightning strikes everywhere and the ground begins to crack bellowing with red light.
“Aw, look at them. All full of anger and rage. It’s beautiful.” Tuddrussel says with a sentimental smile.
“Let’s go home guys.” Otto says.
“I hate you Larry.” Tuddrussel says as he puts his arm around Larry.
“And I hate you Tuddrussel.” Larry says as he gets choked up and smiles. Larry types the coordinates into his arm and BAM! They’re gone.
THE END
