Dying To Be Skinny.

“Shameful things I have done because of my eating disorder: Spent late nights scrolling through thinspo Read Wintergirls like a bible Read through pro-ana forums Researched eating disorders excessively Watched anorexia documentaries, the same ones multiple times Watched other peoples’ anorexia stories through pictures on YouTube Felt superior to my friends because I ate less Judged people who were bigger than me Hated people who were smaller than me Been jealous of little kids’ bodies Cut myself Stayed up until 2am because I couldn’t fall asleep until I felt hungry Exercised to earn my next meal Exercised to burn off my last meal Counted calories like it was my job Recounted them just in case Hid food because I couldn’t eat it Hid food to eat when I was alone Stood in front of a mirror to scrutinize my flaws for hours Thrown away food outside so my mom wouldn’t know Thrown away wrappers outside so my mom wouldn’t know Stuffed bread into the seat of a restaurant’s booth Secretly spit out food into my napkin during family dinner Took the cheese out of my sub and dropped it under the table at a restaurant Intentionally ordered my food with sauces I don’t like so I’d eat less of it Pretended to accidently spill my hot chocolate Tossed my communion wafer nonchalantly onto the church floor Removed the soft, buttery center of my biscuit to throw away Refused to order ice cream when out with friends, but then ate two ice cream sandwiches when I got home Ate food in a bathroom stall Ate food out of the trash Ate food that wasn’t mine Went to bed early to avoid eating more Smeared peanut butter on a knife and left out bread crumbs to make it look like I ate Chewed food and then spit it out Made a pro-ana blog and then deleted it Only to make another, and delete it again Consumed so much food that I honestly felt like I was going to throw up Refused my mom’s fresh baking Lied and said I ate more than I did Lied and said I ate less than I did Lied, all the time I am so done with this. Eff you, eating disorder. Eff you.”