Don't Trust Me

Knowing someone isn’t coming back doesn’t mean you ever stop waiting.

Everything I loved, became everything I lost.

I want to be free, I want to escape the chains that bind my heart back into my chest, forcing it to stay there while the anxiety consumes it like a hungry animal and my heart it pounds, it fights, but in the end the panic takes a bite of me with famished force and vicious teeth it likes what it tastes and keeps going until I am eaten aliveI want to be free,There’s more to me than what I’ve created in this cage I’ve trapped myself in, can’t leave the house, just not ready, can’t take a picture, just not pretty there’s a life outside of this disease that plays tricks on everyone else and word games on me, in my head, not good enough, simply not good enoughI want to be free,Endless nights of clawing at my scalp and trying to let the monstrous thoughts out I am not expandable nor elastic I do not stretch I am like a rubber band if you pull me too hard I will snap in half I will break I am not able to hold all of this pain in I will explodeI want to be free of the nights that keep me awake wondering how I lived through the nightmare of the day and how I’ll survive the dreams of past lovers that are worse than the ones where I die I don’t want to miss my ex anymore and I don’t want to choke on my own truths when I’m trying to say them I want to make everybody understand how hard I’m trying to survive myself and that is the last thing that will ever happen and the problem is, I know it I know it I know that and maybe the impossible will become possible when I’m three feet under, finished from the disease, impacts suddenly prevalent to them and me, finally free

I stopped being me

I wished I could scrub the memories away like I could scrub the blood from my skin.