Just call me Sunshine.

I’ve decided, though, that I can’t wait to finish those fics to leave the fandom. I can’t, because, at this point, it’ll never happen, and I’ll be stuck here forever in a sort of limbo. It isn’t fair to me. I lost the spark for this fandom a long time ago, but I kept writing in it, because I felt obligated. And maybe I also felt a bit nostalgic, remembering how much fun I had in the early days.

It also isn’t fair to you, the reader, if I keep promising something that I know will never happen. I dunno how many people even check my tumblr anymore, given how much I don’t update it, but for those of you who do, here is some closure. I think we both need it.

Thank you all for the wonderful couple of years. May happiness and fortune and all of the good things you could ever want be your future.

Chapters: 25/? Rating: Mature Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin

Summary:

(In which Ashton pines after Luke, who is already in a relationship, and Luke really wants Ashton to meet Michael and Calum.)

This is officially part one of what I have thus far been referring to as the “Calum chapters.” Enjoy.

Preview:

“Have you ever hurt someone so much that you don’t know how to apologize?”

I could honestly have written an entire story on the Luke side of things. Like everything he did after Ashton walked out of the house until everything got resolved. Because what he is doing right now is so outside of what Calum or Michael or Ashton is doing. 

What he is actually doing, other than dealing with the way their relationship crashed and burned, isn’t all too interesting. It is important, because it will affect the endgame, but it is also so spectacularly optimistic - especially at this point - that it borders on desperate. On, well, pitiful. 

You are correct about Michael and Calum’s love for Luke, as sad as that is from both perspectives. They really did (do) love Luke. But… there were problems. Mostly, because they didn’t really talk about them, which, given this whole story, that shouldn’t come as a surprise. They pushed everything under the rug. It wasn’t really obvious, the cracks in their relationship, until Ashton came along and loved them all unconditionally, like they should have loved each other all along. 

Instead of a snippet from the upcoming chapter, I offer a preview of a future chapter, the first of which actually addresses Luke’s whereabouts. Enjoy. ;)

This is such a belated response, and I really want to apologize for that. For the longest time, sort of like what I said the last time I talked about LINAVM, that I didn’t really know what to say. But that isn’t true anymore.

Before I get into exactly why that isn’t true anymore, I want to say thank you so much for telling me how much you adore the story. Because for a while, I didn’t. It helped me so much to know that there was still people who were checking up on the story and interested in an update. I don’t even know how to put this into words properly. But between your message and the few others that I have received about this story, I have been reevaluating LINAVM. Thank you. Seriously. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

I went back the other day and reread what I had posted of LINAVM. All of it. Every single word. And I expected, going into it, to cringe the whole time, to hate myself for writing it, and even to have to stop at some point because it was so… awful. But I was wrong. On all accounts. (Thank goodness, really.)

Here is what happens when I write a story: I get so… attached to it that it consumes me and suddenly I start having trouble seeing the forest for the trees. Most of the time, I can separate myself enough to take a step back, evaluate where the story is at, and determine where the story needs to go. And then do what needs to be done. That’s what I did with See the World Hanging Upside Down and for countless others. Almost everything I’ve ever written. 

I get so wrapped up in the story that, however temporarily, I forget how to tell it. 

But the problem with LINAVM is that… it was such a drastic change from what I had written thus far and I knew it was going “darker” places than where I had gone in this fandom, and I just got to the point where I wasn’t quite sure how to tackle it anymore. It overwhelmed me. 

So I started looking at flaws. I started picking apart the weaker parts of the story. Of the plans. And I forgot to look at what was working. I forgot that most of the aforementioned flaws were loose ends that I was going to tie up before the story was over. 

Here is what happened when I went back and reread the story: I loved it. Every minute of it. Were there things that I didn’t like about it? Yes, but find me a fic writer who doesn’t at least disagree with one thing their past self has done. Were there things I wished I would have done differently? A character, maybe, that I wished I would have already introduced for reasons? Yes. Heck yes. But that doesn’t mean that the story isn’t working or that the story will not come out all the same in the end.

When I set LINAVM down however long ago, I wasn’t sure I would ever touch it again. I wasn’t sure I could. But I was wrong. Because when I went back earlier this week and reread it, I got to the end and wanted more. I wanted to the whole story, and so that is what I am going to do. Tell the whole story. 

It is going to take some time, though. I feel like my real life is never going to slow down at this point. (It will. Not for a while, but it will. It has to.) But in the mean time, I am going to work on it. I actually have a good chunk of the next chapter finished right now, and that was from one evening’s work on it.

Please, be patient with the progress of this story. I promise it will be finished. I will almost even promise to post another chapter soon(ish), depending on how long it takes for me to write the rest of the aforementioned chapter. :)

Until then, here is a preview of what is to come. It roughly follows this; however, that is no longer completely accurate. (It is good enough for preview purposes.)

“I’m just trying to catch up with an oldfriend. Is there any crime in that?”

“Technically,” said Calum, sharply, “there is.”

“C’mon,” said Zayn, with a shrug. He was stillsmiling. It made Calum want to vomit at the absolute insincerity of it. “Can’twe just leave the past where it is and start over?”

“You wanna start over? You mean like you wannahit me for the first time again? Blacken my eye? Break my fucking arm? Is thatwhat you want to start over and do again?”

The smile fell from Zayn’s lips, like a rockdropped into an old well.

Hi!!! I am glad that you liked StWHUD enough to follow it way back when and then reread it recently. ♥ 

Thank you so much for the kind compliments and the well wishes. :) Good luck on the exams setting before you! You’ll nail them! :)

I am planning on posting the next chapter soon. (Which I realize isn’t so soon in relation to the timing of this ask. Sorry for the tardiness! Real life got in the way big time.) By “soon,” I mean this weekend or maybe by the first of this upcoming week. 

Until then, I have posted this, and here is a little more of the upcoming chapter:

“Are you okay?” asksAshton, softly, when he can’t take the silence of his thoughts any longer.

Calum’s eyes snap tohim immediately, like the flip of a switch. They are so wide and so, so brownthat Ashton is almost instantly lost in them.

“Me?” he asks,incredulously. “I should be the one asking you that. You just vomited all overthat asshole—not that he didn’t deserve it. How are you feeling?”

I assume you’re referring to this ask, in which I said that I was working on a muke story, sort of, but all I had finished was mashton? 

Personally, I don’t really like stories in which one pairing becomes another (such as mashton becoming muke), because I am an impatient reader or I am afraid that I will like the initial pairing better than the endgame pairing. I don’t really tend to write them for roughly the same reasons. So the muke story isn’t that. (And, for the record, neither is the mashton one.)

Technically, the muke is unrelated to the mashton. 

What I actually meant in that ask was I was(/am) working on something; however, the only part that I had done was mashton specific. There is more beyond mashton - muke, for example - but, at the time, mashton was the only part I even had started. Now, I can say with certainty that I have muke in progress… though I dunno really when I will finish it for reasons. 

(Lemme be honest that one of those “reasons” is that I am working on stories outside of the 5sos fandom.)

But, with that being said, the muke piece is over halfway finished. I think. I am having such a blast working on it. Seriously. This is the most fun I have had working on a 5sos piece in a very, very long time, and I hope that you, as well as other readers, enjoy reading it even just a quarter of the amount that I have enjoyed writing it. :)

I really wanted keep this under the wraps because I love it so much, but, what the heck, here’s a snippet of the muke for you to chew on…

“You’re Michael of Clifford.”

The stranger—Michael—grinned.

“So you are smarter than you look.”

“You’re an ass.”

“Guess Calum left out that part?”

“Ashton, actually.”

Michael hummed in his throat. Heran his tongue along his bottom lip, wetting it, as he considered Luke’s words.Luke found himself oddly entranced by the way Michael’s lip glistenedunderneath the dim lighting of the basement.

“Interesting. He was the one wholiked to tell me I won’t ever change.”

Luke said nothing. Partly, hedidn’t know what to say. The real reason—and he would deny this if anyone were to ask—was that he was still distracted byMichael’s lips.

Neither Ashton nor Calum hadmentioned how… attractive Michael of Clifford was.

“So, tell me, what does that statutefetch for these days? Froma good thiefspawn, I mean? Gotta be more than a couple hundred coin, or I can’timagine Calum would have sent you my direction.”

“Not to burst your bubble, butthere was surprisingly little information about this job,” said Luke. “Icouldn’t even get a straight answer out of Ashton as to why this was gonna beone hell of a sweep—and that’s almost verbatim, by the way. Straight from thehorse’s mouth, so to speak.”

Michael laughed again, like Lukehad told a good joke that Luke himself wasn’t privy to. He shook his head.

“Doesn’t matter how long I’m gone,”he said, mostly to himself. He looked back down at the pendent that rested atopthe collar of Luke’s armor, and he stared at it for a long time as if it heldall of the answers in the world. “Tell Calum that the sweep was nothing. Easy-peasy,if you will. Hell, tell him I wasn’t here. That there wasn’t even a sign thatI’d been here in ages. Whatever. Just don’t—”

He stopped. His eyes flashed toLuke’s and stayed there. It was suddenly, terrifyingly intimate, staring intoMichael’s eyes in the dim lighting of the musty basement with hardly a coupleof feet between them. Luke felt a rush of heat dance up through his cheeks.

“I’ll let you walk out of here,unscathed with that statute and my dead mother’s precious jewels, and you don’tbreathe a word of my being here, deal?”

Luke narrowed his eyes, even as thepouch with the stolen goods seemed like it now weighed an imperial ton. Lukedidn’t like to think about mothers, about those who died before their time,about those who had no choice but to let their children starve. He didn’t,because thinking about mothers made him think of that gods-forsaken tundra ofhis childhood and of the way that frozen, spoiled meat tasted two weeks pastthe last successful hunt.

“And what d’you get in return formy silence?”

The corners of Michael’s lipsquirked up, like he could go for a smile if this were any other situation, butit wasn’t. Luke was still very much trespassing upon Michael’s property andstealing Michael’s trinkets, and Michael was still very much in possession of asharp, deadly sword.

“For starters?” he asked, steppingforward with fire in his eyes and the quirk of his lips drawing even fartherupward. “This.”

Then—Michael’s lipscrashed against Luke’s, and it was like lightening danced between their mouths.

That was a long time coming, wasn’t it? Calum facing off against Brandon. 

Of course, I understand that doesn’t magically make Calum the “good guy,” but at least he has a credible foot in the door now to… apologize and tell his side of the story. 

I know the ending was rather… untimely. ;) But, really, I promise two long chapters of Calum to make up for it? 

…One of which will be posted soon. Very soon. Like this weekend, maybe first of this coming week at the latest. (And then, hold onto your horses, ‘cause I plan for this story to hit the ground running.)

Here’s a preview of it:

They almost get kickedout of the bar, but Calum calmly explains the situation, that Brandon is amonster from Ashton’s past hell-bent on destroying him, and Calum only punchedBrandon because he didn’t leave Ashton alone when Ashton had asked. Thebartender offers Calum a pack of ice and Ashton a Sprite on the house. Then heescorts Brandon, who is covered from head to chest in Ashton’s vomit, from thepremises.

Ashton sits alone withCalum at a corner table out of everybody’s way. He sips on the Sprite to calmhis stomach. A part of him can’t believe he actually vomited on Brandon, but hedoesn’t feel bad about it. If Brandon had just left Ashton alone, he wouldn’thave ended up on the floor for Ashton to vomit all over him.

Chapters: 24/? Rating: Mature Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin

Summary:

(In which Ashton pines after Luke, who is already in a relationship, and Luke really wants Ashton to meet Michael and Calum.)

Not to build it up or anything, but this is probably my favorite chapter out of the entire story for reasons. ;)

Preview:

A part of him needs the reminder of a slightly damp cushion to tell him that what happened was real. Michael was here. He came after Ashton—a week late, true, but still, he came—and that is sort of exactly what Ashton wanted when he ran out, for one of them to run after him.

Hi!!! Ah! I am so relieved that it the bar exam is over, too! I should get the results at the end of September, but, in the mean time, I’m working for an attorney and doing practically everything except actually give legal advice and represent someone, and it’s a blast! ♥

So. Now onto the more important things. 

After Luke, Michael was Ashton’s biggest fan. Michael himself is very easy with love, always has been… even under the, uh, crushing weight of Calum’s love. That is part of the reason he fell in love with Luke on the spot. When Ashton came along and pointed out to Michael, in not so many words, that Michael wasn’t really loving Luke like he thought he was, it was an eye-opener in the worst of ways. More than that, it was hard to swallow. It’s like most everybody has that *thing* about themselves that they swear to themselves they would never do but they do it anyway. This - saying that he loved Luke but not really showing that love to Luke - is that for Michael. He took it out on Ashton, because Ashton was loving Luke exactly the way the way that Michael thought he was.   

Of course most of that was covered in the last chapter, but, really, that’s the essential of Michael’s love for Ashton. He has loved him this whole time, and he definitely didn’t agree with Calum… but he was dealing with his own demons that night. He is still dealing with those demons, but, well, some things are bigger than insecurities. 

His love for Ashton and his guilt over Luke and his “self-imposed” isolation is what ultimately drove Michael to Ashton. Because Michael knows that in order to get Luke (and, to some extent, Calum) back, he has to start with Ashton. Everything hinges on Ashton. He knew going in that Ashton might not (and probably shouldn’t) forgive him, because sometimes apologies alone weren’t enough, but it didn’t matter. Ashton had to know how sorry Micahel was and how much he still loved him and how much he missed him. He had to, because Michael absolutely had to tell him. He loves Ashton that much (even if it didn’t seem like it after that shower scene in an earlier chapter).

Don’t worry, though, that’s - obviously - not the last we’ll see of Michael. ;)

And where is Luke? ;)

It’s actually not that big of a secret, except for what he is doing and what this means for the ending of the story, because basically, without Luke doing what he is right now, the end of the story will not be possible.

Calum’s story is coming up very, very soon!! Not the next chapter, technically, but soon. I promise. And it’s a rather lengthy one for reasons…

Until then, here is a snippet of the upcoming chapter. I’ll probably post said chapter sometime this weekend, because, if I don’t, I won’t have any time through the week to. And it’s gonna be a doozy. ;)

“I don’t think you needme to tell you want you want.”

“I want them back. Allof them, and I want them to love me.”

“It sounds like maybethey already do, even if they didn’t realize it until you walked out.”

Ashton laughs humorlessly. It is a twisted,perverted sound.

“Luke loved me, yes,and maybe Michael, but Calum had months to, and he never did.”

And that was thekicker. The thing holding Ashton back. Calum didn’t love him. Michael may have,Luke probably did, but Calum didn’t. Ashton can’t live with love that isn’tthere, and he can’t love Luke or even Michael without also loving Calum. Hecan’t, because in his mind, they all belong together. He can’t separate them.

Yess!!

This has been on my to-write list for the longest time. I have the next three to four stories (out of probably five, so six, in total) completely plotted out… but I haven’t yet made it around to writing them for various (personal) reasons. 

Part of the reason that In this Twilight, how Dare you Speak of Grace is a “stand alone” fic instead of a longer chaptered fic is that I wasn’t even sure I would finish it to begin with. I love reading A/B/O fics but writing them is a whole different experience. I am not always comfortable writing the dynamics that an A/B/O requires or just sex in general. (And by comfortable, mainly I mean that I don’t always want to write either of those two things.)

So In this Twilight exists as it does because that was all I could completely write at the time. That is why it was planned as a series of shorter stories instead of one longer one. Plus, this way, I can skip to the parts I absolutely want to write instead of building/bridging the story, so, in other words, I can be lazy and still tell the story I want to.

But I never intended, when I set out to write it, that In This Twilight would be the end of that universe. I still don’t. I want to return to it and write the next part (or, rather, finish it), and I hope to within the near future. 

In an effort to convince myself to actually write the next part instead of just dream about it, here is a rather lengthy snippet of what I have written thus far in the next installment. :)

On a Thursday in a crowded coffeeshop down the street from the studio, everything comes to a head. They alwaysgo for coffee after long, strenuous hours spent behind a recording booth. Todayhas been even more taxing than usual. Ashton has to stay after to redo one ofthe drum parts, because the original recording has somehow gotten lost. Michaeloffers to stay after with Ashton, but Ashton turns him down and, as acompromise, agrees to meet Michael at the coffee shop in half of an hour.

Tired and worn out, Ashton entersthe coffee shop twenty minutes past when he said he would meet Michael. Heglances around the shop. It is easy to spot Michael, an alpha, in a sea ofstrangers. Even without the heightened senses that alphas and omegas possess,Ashton is somehow in tune with Michael. Perhaps it is because they have spentevery single day for the past however many years together. He is certainlygoing to believe that is the case.

“I already ordered our drinks, toldthem to make yours just like they like it,” says Michael as a greeting toAshton. He even goes as far as to stand up when Ashton reaches the table. Hewould probably even pull out Ashton’s chair for him like he does for Luke andCalum if Ashton would have given him a chance. “They only made them about fiveminutes ago, but if it’s too cold, I’ll order you another one.”

“It’s fine, Mike,” says Ashtonwithout even trying the drink. He raises it to his lips in the next second andswallows a large mouthful. His rash comment bites him in the ass, because thedrink is almost cold, and it tastes awful enough that it almost makes Ashtonretract his statement. He doesn’t, for the sake of his pride.

“Calum and Luke said to say hi,”says Michael. He eyes Ashton’s drink like he is half in the mind to go up andorder another one despite Ashton’s reassurances, but he stays firmly in hisseat. “I called them while I was waiting on you.”

“Because they didn’t have anythingbetter to do, either, while they’re visiting the families they never see.”

The words slip out before Ashtoncan catch them. They seem to echo in the space between him and Michael. Ashtonfreezes. His heart skips a beat in his chest. It aches. He hadn’t meant to saythat—he hadn’t meant for the words to pack a punch—but he did.

Michael winces. He recoils in hisseat, a barely noticeable response, except Ashton has spent every day withMichael for years, so Ashton doesn’t miss it. Michael’s shoulders slump. Hecurls in on himself. It looks all wrong for an alpha to make himself smaller, but here Michael is, defeated byjust a few cruel words—by just Ashton’s cruel words.

“Mike, I’m—”

“No, you’re—you’re right,” saysMichael. He refuses to look at Ashton. His cheeks are burning red, a startcontrast to his blond hair. “I shouldn’t have interrupted their family time.”

But Ashton isn’t right. He isn’t,because he knows the pull omegas have on alphas. He knows how worried Michael is about Calum and Luke.It isn’t anything Michael can control. It is in his biology. Ashton shouldn’tgive Michael a hard time about being an alpha, especially because Michaelhimself already has that covered.

“They’re going to be back soon,”says Ashton. It isn’t what he should say. He should apologize. His stomachchurns uncomfortable with the unspoken apology, but he can’t utter it to analpha. Betas aren’t supposed to submit to alphas. Betas aren’t supposed to fuelthe monsters that alphas are. “Before you know it. You’ll see.”

Michael gives a half-smile, but hedoesn’t look up at Ashton. He hunches his shoulders instead and draws evenfarther into himself. He doesn’t look like the monstrous alphas that Ashton hasseen time and time again play out on a movie screen, taking what they wantwithout a care in the world that it isn’t theirs to take.

I have to admit that I have avoided this ask for a long time, because, honestly, I did not know what to say. I’m still not sure I know what to say, but I feel like I need to answer this and be straight up truthful about it. I hope that you are still interested in the response. (I do apologize for the tardiness. The last few months have been super hectic, which is the other part of the reason I haven’t gotten around to this answer until now.)

LINAVM has been what I’ve considered a “cursed” story for a long time. It’s one that has been bouncing around in my story ideas for a long time, way before I even considered writing for the 5SOS fandom. Every time I attempted to put the idea into words, I ended up quitting whatever fandom or writing website of which I was a part. So the idea for a story like LINAVM never came to life… until, of course, now in the 5SOS in the version of LINAVM as it now exists.

For a long time now, I haven’t really been active in the 5SOS fandom. Partly, I felt like it died down a lot a few months ago. But I also discovered new fandoms and became ingrained in them and I lost the drive to do anything within the the 5SOS fandom. To an extent, that is sort of true, except that recently I have realized how much I missed the stories that I have written in this fandom. That is why I have begun posting StWHUD again (during the aforementioned hectic few months).

At the same time, though, I have StWHUD completely written and have had it done for a few months already. It just needed (and needs) to be edited. So, really, StWHUD is completely unlike LINAVM that they aren’t really comparable. 

I took LINAVM down from the sidebar on my page, because for a while I considered taking down the entire story. I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. I still really, really like LINAVM. I would still love to finish it. Seriously. 

But, to be honest, I wasn’t sure anybody would even notice I had deleted it from the sidebar. To be even more honest, I am very glad that you did. I kind of felt like that story was falling to the wayside when compared to the other stories I had posted. Maybe it was. Maybe it still it. But that doesn’t matter to me as much as it did when it occurred to me that LINAVM was “under performing.” (I put that in quotation marks only because I am not so sure I would still classify the story as such.)

I am very glad - and honored - that you like LINAVM so much… so much, in fact, that this is one of the main reasons I want to return to the story. I am not going to guarantee that I will post a chapter tomorrow or even this week (and, actually, I can almost promise that will not be the case), but I will return to the story and hopefully be able to post a chapter within the next, well, few weeks. I dunno when. Life is still hectic, though for a different reason, and I don’t really have the amount of time I would like to devote to writing anymore.

So I won’t lie and say that I’ve worked on this or even touched it in a long time, until tonight, but there is this and this from very old asks that may or may not still be accurate. Here is a little bit more of the upcoming chapter.

“First word—if?”

Ashton nodded. He raised four fingers toindicate he was now referring to the fourth word. Then he moved that hand tohis chest where he traced the shape of a heart right above where his actualorgan was. He repeated the gesture a couple of times so that Michael could readit.

“Fourth word: love?”

Once again, Ashton nodded. He flourished hishand like a magician might do before pulling a rabbit out of a hat. Michael hummedhis understanding. Ashton placed his hand right above his heart again and drew abig X over it. He did this four times.

“If something,something love, right?”

Chapters: 23/? Rating: Mature Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood, Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin

Summary:

(In which Ashton pines after Luke, who is already in a relationship, and Luke really wants Ashton to meet Michael and Calum.)

Finally the Michael chapter?! 

...and if you think this one is all sorts of exciting, buckle up, ‘cause the next one contains my absolute favorite scene of the entire story!

Preview:

Thank you very much or the kind compliments! Seriously, they made my day. My week. ♥ I try so hard to make this story seem as real as possible and that includes the way that people feel and the way they express their emotions. Describing emotions, responses to what is happening, and delving deep into a character’s mind/psyche is one of the best writing tools that helps not only tell a story but also to keep a story flowing. Plus, it gives me an excuse to play around with words, which is my favorite thing to do in a narrative. Two birds, one stone. :) 

To answer your question in a single word: Yes.

Things will be looking up from Calum’s side, but it is going to be up to Calum to make it so. He will have a little help in the form of Brandon - because, let’s be honest, Brandon can make about anybody look good - but it will be Calum’s own choices that will bring his redemption. He isn’t heartless, though it may seem to be, given how harsh he was with Ashton. He is, underneath everything, a good person… who has very large, overwhelming fears and insecurities that he doesn’t know how to properly deal with. He is going to get his chance for redemption, and he is absolutely, do or die, going to take it. 

(I do want clear up something I am afraid might be a common misconception among readers of this story: Calum will be redeemed in Ashton’s eyes, and that is the only reason I can confidently say that he will be redeemed.)

In lieu of sharing a snippet from the upcoming chapter, I am instead offering a piece of a future chapter, part one of “Calum’s road to redemption,” that seems more inline with your question.

“Have you ever hurtsomeone so much that you don’t know how to apologize?”

“No,” answered Ashton,softly, and he is glad that he can say no, “but I know that Luke will acceptwhatever apology you give him. He loves you that much.”

Calum laughs,humorlessly. It is full of self-hatred, of self-depreciation, and of all of the badthings one can possibly think of oneself.

“Just makes it worse,to be honest,” he says. “But I will tell him. I will get down on my hands andknees and beg for his forgiveness if I need to.”

Ashton offers Calum asmile.

“You’re not as bad asyou think you are.”