Stories and ideas

Was I myself interested to know? Yes. But would I keep demanding someone to tell me their sexuality? Hell fucking no. There are some people that should be so fucking ashamed out there for forcing another human being for coming out or announcing what they are attracted to in bed. Cause it doesn’t fucking matter and maybe it could have been queer bating but what the hell should they even care? YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DATE THEM ANYWAY!!!!!

I honestly don’t know who forced Kit Connor to announce his sexuality but one thing I know. He’s amazing no matter who he likes and we should always just wish for the best.

” The problem is,” he said as he leaned in, “If I kissed you, I don’t think I’d be able to stop.”

For a second, I didn’t really know what to reply. Or I did but the way he leaned in made me rethink all of it and him. As if he was actually into me. I couldn’t help but stare a little, just to see him make that stupid face I hated so much. The smirk that would tell you he was lying. “You and me both know that’s a lie so why don’t you cut the acting and tell me what you actually want?” I said as I leaned in just a little closer to let him know I knew what game he was playing. That I knew he was just bluffing. I was terrified of him; I always had been because he could hurt me if he wanted to. I knew that. His magic could make me dance like a puppet if he wanted to. Even my protections couldn’t save me if he decided to do it. But I had to hold my ground. He was not going to know, how much I really wanted to run the other way.

That was when he closed the distance between us and kissed me. I got lost in the kiss for a second. Or was it a minute? I froze. Or rather my mind did and somehow my body knew just what to do. It was good however, when I got control back over my beating heart, I realised I had tried to push him away. It was just that my hands were only lying on his chest, and I hadn’t put any force into it. One hand was on my face and the other on my him as to pull me in closer. I realised he hadn't been lying Of course, he couldn't lie, but Faerie had always been skilled in twisting their own words. I tried to put some force into my hands and push him away and I must have looked like a ghost because he started apologising as soon as he was a few feet away.

So in truth I’m friends with someone I have nothing in common with and I don’t even know what to talk about… but I want them as my friends cause I like them. My biggest question is; why?

I like my friends and yet I don’t really. I wanna tell them everything but I’m also so scared they think I try to hard. One of the guys thought I had a crush on him because I told one of the girls that sometimes I see why someone could like him as more. I don’t like him like that, and there’s no reason for him to always deny that. We will only ever be friends. And I obvs has a crush on someone else, and even there I would never tell him or do anything to actually flirt, besides listen to him and talk with him.

Yes I obsess about them too but there’s seriously no reason to stalk their families for baby pictures or start defending the actor against their best friend?! Like seriously they are adults but it’s so disrespectful. The cast deserves the best, and yes if someone actively hates on them stop it, or better yet just report it and don’t watch it?

I have problems with the why I eat food. I eat too much and I eat for comfort, which doesn't sound like anything bad, but I have gained so much weight because of this and some might not even see that as an eating disorder. People will tell me to just eat less and eat normal, and it's easier said than done. Especially when I get stressed and nervous and like I just don't wanna do anything. And so I should push that down so that when I get like that I should just not eat more than normal.

Well recently that have gone into just throwing up the food, or just go for as long as I can without eating. I have an exam coming up and I can't seem to focus on it like. I am so afraid it's gonna go bad, and I forget there's a life after. And at the same time I move all that over to something people tell me I can control. Which I can't but either way it's easier to focus on not eating than it is to focus on my exam.

But doesn't that mean that what you are doing in school just isn't for you? Yeah maybe it does, but I also don't ever wanna give up. Especially when i got 3 exams until I have my degree.

But I would never tell my friends any of this... I have finally reached a weight that I haven't had for a very long time and I wanna go even further down before I stop. I still eat sometimes, and I let it stay down, but that's because I know if I just don't eat at all my body will stop throwing away weight....

I hear so many reasons why people watch heartstopper, yet the most common one is that they wanted queer rep in movies and I get that part.

The reason I watch Heartstopper is not that. I support it so much, but on my idk 15th rewatch the reason i keep watching is because it's such a pure story about love and how one can love without it being overly sexual... Maybe I'm asexual and that's why yet, I don't know cause all I see is the love they share, the way the become comfortable with each other and the way that they are just so damn adorable that I wanna scream.

But I am old. Now love isn't like that and I don't know why. We all hide behind facades because we are afraid of getting heartbroken. At least I am, and so I have very high standards and yet they are not really that high. My type just doesn't have me as their type.

Being in your 20's suck. You gotta be all grown up and do stuff.

Back to heartstopper. I feel like charlie cause i was bullied, but why do I keep watching a series that reminds me of that? Because of Nick. Because Nick takes all of the bad memories and hugs them away. Or at least he will fight people because "You shouldn't have to be" ... Used to it by now. I wish I had someone like that when i was younger. Not in a lover, but in a friend, or perhaps both. Someone to tell me I'm worth so much more. Cause still now I don't feel that.

And yet not really but

I simply just LOVE when a writer gets their work published and even when their story goes on to become a Series or a movie because I'm such a bookdragon, and seeing how much creativity that someone has and that it actually comes into reality is so beautiful and gives me so much inspiration for my own writing and creative mind.

Despite the fact that I have had such a hard time reading and writing for quite a while now I really just get so inspired and excited. I sometimes wish I could find the motivation to stay focused on writing a book or anything really. Finding that really good story and just sending it out into the world.

"Maybe I'm an old soul trapped in a young body Maybe you don't really want me there at your birthday party I'll be there in the corner thinking right over Every single word of the conversation we just had"

I feel old sometimes at parties because I don't feel like I fit in. I am afraid that sometimes someone ask me just to be polite and so I will overthink the conversation going on and on. This song was written for the series Heartstopper and is the moment where Nick considers he's identity and who he likes and not.

My heart is breaking but also if this book became a season imagine Joe Locke and Kit Connor doing this scene?! This would break my heart even more. I love heartstopper and the characters Nick and Charlie.

Got my version of heartstopper today, and though neither of the characters are Hufflepuff, and I myself am not I feel like this book is so damn adorable that I couldn’t stop myself from making it hufflepuff. Of course it’s because I use my Slytherin for a different one.

There’s so many people out there who fancies Nick Nelson a lot. I am one of them, but not because of the way he looks, but the way that he looks at someone he really like. The way he want to do everything for the one that he likes. He to me is indeed a golden retriever with Gryffindor Energy. 

I see myself in Charlie Spring, and perhaps that is the reason I really like Nick. I put myself in Charlie’s place. I was bullied when I was younger, younger than the character and I really didn’t feel like I was worth anything. Sometimes I still feel like that. He is a nerdy Slytherin with insecurities and one of the biggest hearts.

I see myself as a Charlie, and so I kinda see Nick as everything I want. He seems confident even when he’s having a crisis in figuring out who he is. I do have traits like Nick. I would do anything to protect the ones I love. I would fight heaven and hell for them, and I would always be there to make sure others feel good. But I also wouldn’t tell them how I felt. And somehow I feel like the personality that is written as Nick would be someone who could break down barriers.