Tifa says.

It’s a single glance. A kind of movement. A series of text messages. These little kinds of red flags nature sends out as her own form of justice. And like a deer that hears a twig snap, my ears are fully forward and I’m on my heels about to run.

I’ve been here before. I remember the distinct feeling of this sensation. It’s from long ago- but undeniable.

This is the alarm system my body sends down my spin in a quiver. My heart rate picks up and my mind begins to race. I bite my lower lip and sink into my chair.

Different person- same red flags. Same intense traumatic panic comes over me the way it was with another - another I hope to avoid at all costs.

The flags of abuse- when you see them. Trust your gut and escape while you can.

And I’m doing my best to wrap my head around that.

It’s difficult.

I’m still finding myself holding onto old habits - like self doubt, suspicion, doomerisim, and attempting to please everyone.

But I am also making a valid attempt to chase these demons down and out of my system.

It’s just so mich harder than I’m comfortable with.

I keep falling, tripping, scraping my knee.

Almost makes me want to pick up skating. If it’s gonna be like that, yah know?

1. I’ll stay here, because I WANT to be here. But, we will take the obligatory trip to the far north at least once a year - because a piece of us is there - and that’s part of what makes our family beautiful.

2. I will take the risk to start a small business with my partner. It’s what we’ve always dreamed of and there’s no point in toiling away for someone else if there’s a possibility of freedom - follow the northern star.

3. I will live, and love. I will not allow any negative spirit to convince me otherwise. For me and my house, we are children of the light, and are happy to be so.

I’m finding peace in the moment... and relief.

At least this time I stopped halfway through the day instead of giving myself “until tomorrow”.

Currently 10 hrs in. Feeling ill and screaming my head off at anything that moves. But....

I know what’s on the other side. I so desperately want my sober life back. I just pray I’m strong enough to get the rest of the way back.

Let’s look on the sunny side- this will make 2 sober sleeps in less than a week.

Better than nothing 🤷‍♀️

I had to throw it away!

Not sure if it was a Dunkin thing or it was mixed wrong? But disappointed that I had to throw away that kind of cash.

Another reminder that take out isn’t as fantastic as my depression likes me to think.

It’s about time I start accepting that.

This is the first night in over two months ...

It’s an old shower, but it runs well and it’s what we got. To bad I’ve been taking it for granted and neglecting the thing. I don’t even bring my kid in this bathroom anymore it’s that filthy.

But not anymore. This bathroom will be cleaned! I will chase out its demons and make it a nice place again.

Starting with the shower 🚿

I will be there for my son - I will always have his back.

I will nuture and grow my relationship with my husband.

I will find a way out of all this mess and onto a sustainable independence for our family.

I will feel better and work to live better.

I will quit the rest of this in 10 minutes.

I will say goodbye.

I can feel it budging open the door.

I’m tired of fighting. The time has come.

It’s just the truth that I’m hiding from.

This morning is hard.

Getting anything done takes way more effort than it used to.

Apparently Covid has caused a shortage of gardening supplies. Go figure.