it’s human nature to want to receive love. we’re born and immediately seek love from our mothers.
what a cruel mother i was born to.
i remember being an open hearted child, wanting nothing more to love and to be loved in return; to be comforted when i was scared or sad, to be held tightly just because you loved me so much and didn’t know how to show it.
but when i reached out for that love it was shot down. when you looked at me, your eyes hollow and emotionless, i retracted within myself not knowing what i did to upset you; not knowing what i did for you to not hold any love for me in your icy gaze.
i didn’t know how to process this new found pain; for i had never felt much pain in my short life. it festered inside my soul and grew more and more every day when you denied me your motherly love. it began to harden my heart. my gaze slowly became hollow just like yours. like mother like daughter.
my soul used to scream and beg you to show me that you cared, to show me anything other than anger or indifference. i just wanted my mother.
as the years went by i began to fear you. not only that- i began to detest you.
why should i hold you close to my heart if i was never close to yours in the first place?
looking back, i began to remember a time where you did show me love and care. you would read me books and tell me that you loved me. you would hold me in your arms as i cried, stroking my hair. that moment was fleeting, gone as soon as it started.
that hurt even more; knowing that you once loved me but for whatever reason i did something for you to revoke that love, to replace the loving look in your eyes with nothing but ice and stone.
i wonder what the turning point was. what made you not love me anymore? did i do something wrong? or was it just something about me that made you develop the look of hate in your eyes?
now that i’m an adult i still ache. i still crave the motherly love that you so cruelly tore away from me when i barely had a taste. i still wish you could be a mother for me. i still wish you would hold me in your arms, even though i know if you tried i would recoil as if you were made of poison.
i still want my mother. i want the mother i was deprived of.
i mourn the loss of something i barely had. i mourn the loss of what could have been.
i feel the sting in my aching heart when you tell me that you provided for me. i want to scream and cry and thrash around, because i know i’ll never be able to tell you how i really feel. i’ll never be able to tell you that you deprived me of the one thing i needed the most. you deprived me of love.
but i know it’s not your fault.
i used to think you were just wicked to be wicked, that you were sent here to cause me pain or that you were just made of ice because that who you’ve already been. but i know better now.
you see, your mother was the same as you. when you cried she told you it was wrong. when you needed comfort she told you to get over it.
you are stone because you are me. you are deprived of the same motherly love you were unable to give.
now i see you are not cruel; you are made up of all the scars and thorns from being forgotten and forsaken by the one who brought you into this world.
areudirty
tangentwithtanner
amandla
theartofmadeline
izzy806
kianamaiart
