Thunderhead Fred

There's a lot of inside baseball going on, plus the hourly employees tend to rotate out quickly (as is usual in these kinds of jobs) which makes it hard to track exactly what tasks need done, especially if no one leaves clear procedures behind. It's been years since I've had my head in any of this "running a medium-sized grocery store" stuff, but I tried to smile and nod my way back to confidence.

Bare minimum seems to be: the orders come in every morning, and I check the invoices for price adjustments and accuracy, and make sure we're staying in our margins. I update signage and such accordingly. That doesn't seem like much?? Certainly not something they need to pay someone 20 hours a week to do, but probably I'm only getting part of the picture. I'm happy to sit there for 4 hours a day and get paid to make pretty spreadsheets, if that's what they need.

but. I have a desk? I have an "In" pile. I have a Microsoft Teams login. This is my first cubicle-lite "office" job, although it's still very much adjacent to a deli and deep freezer, and trucks are driving in and people are dropping cans and there's a big air-con unit that goes BAHAHAHHRHRRHHRRHRRRR nonstop, so it feels more like restaurant work than anything else

I do think it's well within my skill set, once I actually get a clear set of directives and goals, anyway. Probably next week, when my direct supervisor comes back from a well-earned vacation. So far the hardest part has just been nailing down anybody who knows what they even want to pay me to do. lmfao

what IS weird, and has taken some processing time, is just the emotional trigger of returning to work writ large, especially with this specific employer. I worked for this co-op when I had the mental breakdown that put me in intensive outpatient. I was an alcoholic. I was having panic attacks at work, or no-showing because I would drive to the building and be unable to get out of my car and walk the ten steps to the door to clock in. I survived at that job as long as I did because everyone who worked there was kind and the company itself was very ethical and good to its employees. They are a huge part of why I made it this far, even if I couldn't function or keep my job at the time.

I'm about to step back into the literal physical environment where I was going through my own personal hell. Actually, I already did, during orientation, when the HR manager unexpectedly took me to the back of house and I was like, Oh Huh, that's the dairy case where I used to just cry for no reason (and a co-worker hugged it out with me). There are people still working there who I knew at the time. I've got to put the triggers aside, and I will. I've already experienced my brain holding up The Scenarios for me, while I'm trying to sleep, and screaming at me "Is THIS life or death? is THIS life or death? well surely THIS is life or death." I'm able to take each one, hold it for a moment, and gently put it aside.

DBT, lifestyle change, and meditation practice took me out of that waterfall. Also childbirth, probably; I'm pretty sure that re-wired me on a genetic level.

my mother-in-law kindly allowed us to crash at her (tiny!!!! city block matchbox!!!!!!) house and my dad drove her so nuts in just a few days of close proximity that she literally did a spiritual cleansing ceremony when we left. She told me, "don't be offended but I cleansed," and I was like Oh Thank God, I'm so glad, cuz I was thinking about mailing you some salt or sage or something i'm so so sorry

then this morning, partner got in the car to drop off baby and was like "our car smells sad"

OLD MAN NEEDS THERAPY

Baby insisted on bringing all her stuffed animals to me so I could cuddle them this morning. She laid them all in my arms one by one like "here Mama, you need some extra friends today"

If you see it in my face, then I’m a bad guy Too many hearts in my palms, maybe that’s why Unapproachable, spiked like a cacti I done lived nine lives, now the cat died

Pull my love, pull my love Pull my love up off my fingers Feel my touch, feel my touch Feel my touch, you feel these shivers

Time, time, time What about time? Where can I find? Drive, drive, drive Pulling that stick shift like I might die

She did so well on the trip away from Baby stress. She was so happy and more like herself. She fit right in with the foster and was happy and relaxed when I left. No anxiety. It could not have gone better, and I am so grateful.

The trip has been really stressful for me, mostly because of my dad coming along and being toxic and weird and chaotic… but it’s done. I did the right thing for my pup, and I’d do it all again.

Long road home now, but I’ll be in my bed again tonight, and can hug and kiss my baby.

dad insisted on coming along to "help" with this dog hand-off trip, and it's uh. yeah. if you know you know.

what's it like to have functional parents?

Spending these last few days with Bonnie before she goes on her next adventure. Since the drop off is out of state, baby is back home with partner. So it's just me and my dog, and it's so clear to me, even though it's a bitter truth: giving her up is the right thing to do. She's so much less stressed with no baby around, just adults, just her.

It hurts that I can't give her the environment she needs anymore, but I am so grateful and relieved that we found the right people to help. I'm hopeful that after this rocky transition, everyone will be happier and healthier, and she will have many more years being somebody's everything.

man been a while since I did one of these

main goal is to learn how to do an adult human job again, being around other adult humans without going insane etc.

secondary goal is to get back on track with my fitness. fell way off the wagon with PT and qigong because of all the BEING SICK ConsTantly. New inhaler does seem to be helping with this, so.

fuckin. cook more at home. please

Not only is she beautiful