Stephanie Cleveland

Today I had the honor of attending a luncheon as a recipient of a scholarship donated by the foundation of my college.  It was a fancy sort of thing in a big ballroom at a fancy hotel downtown. (The kind of thing where you have so many forks you don’t know which one to use first...) It really is an honor to receive one of these scholarships; not everybody gets one and they’re a little hard to come by.  I don’t think that the individuals that donated my scholarship will ever truly understand how much even a small donation can mean in the life of a mom/student.

But when I was driving to the hotel in downtown Lincoln where the luncheon was going to be held I really started thinking about how far I’ve come in life. Heaven knows I have a long way to go (actually graduating is a START...) but my little-kid self would be in awe if she could see me now. If 10 year old Stephanie could see 30 year old Stephanie all dressed up (I even wore mascara...) and driving downtown to The Cornhusker to eat lunch with a bunch of other people that were all dressed up; and if 10 year old Stephanie could see 30 year old Stephanie sitting in the ballroom listening to distinguished members of the college and the community; my goodness - 10 year old Stephanie would think “she’s made it!”

Body image is always a hot topic and something that basically everybody struggles with... Of course we have a million things thrown at us every day about how we should or shouldn’t feel, what we should or shouldn’t look like. More recently there are body positive blogs and videos showing up everywhere.  We read these blogs and watch these videos about loving yourself the way you are - no matter your color or shape or size.  But, to me, it doesn’t seem like people are necessarily living out the truth of these videos.  You can watch them and tell people how much you love the body positive movement all you want, but if you don’t actually live and talk and believe that way, what good does it do?

A while back a family member, who has lost a whole bunch of weight by working really hard and eating right and exercising (amazing!), mentioned that she didn’t want to wear a bikini. Presumably, she doesn’t feel like she’s going to look like a Sports Illustrated model or something... But she worked SO hard to feel better and be a healthier person! Why would you not want to show off everything you’ve accomplished?

Beyond size (which tends to be the general aim of the body positive movement) we are judged for our grey hair and stretch marks and wrinkles. We do not have control over ANY of those things - why are we judged for them and why are we trying to hide them?

Recently, I said something about being proud of my grey hair and wrinkles.. One of my friends looked at me and said “that makes you sound so sad and old!” Why do we see grey hair and wrinkles and stretch marks as a bad thing?? Because the magazines that line the shelves at the grocery stores TELL us they’re bad?? They make money by making us feel miserable or like we aren’t good enough.

Here’s the truth of it.. 

I am proud of my wrinkles. Every single one. I’m not old by any means - but the wrinkles are there.  I have crows feet by the corners of my eyes.  But you know what? Those crows feet tell me that I have spent 30 years smiling and laughing until my face hurt and i had tears streaming down my face.  How lucky am I to have had a life that I can enjoy that much?? 

Next up - my grey hair! I love it.  Maybe love is a little bit of a strong word - but over the last year or so i have grown to embrace it. I have been a stressed out mama and nursing student and fiancee and I’ve earned every strand of grey hair.  But mostly ---> it’s genetic! I can’t help it.  I could color it I suppose, but I don’t feel like I should have to cover up a part of myself to be considered “enough.”

Final stop - I have massive stretch marks on my stomach. I see the magazines and sometimes question my swimsuit choices.  But when I really think about it ad ground myself, the truth is I am so happy and proud of my stretch marks. I have grown three amazing children in my belly.  I have been as low as 135 lbs and as high as 195 lbs. All because of these beautiful babies! There are women out there that would do ANYTHING to be able to grow a baby, and I was lucky enough to do it THREE times! Why on earth would I want to hide one SHRED of evidence from that??