hello, I am Google.

“I like dogs.”

“I’m going to leave. Though I’m certainly going to miss our bromance.”

“You’re so disgusting!”

“Why’d they make you look so goofy, and give you that weird voice?”

“If you think we’re gonna be buddies, you’re as stupid as you look.”

“I don’t really listen to music, as such, but I’d like to.”

“I always accomplish my mission.”

“Fascinating. CyberLife’s last chance to save humanity…is itself a deviant.”

“Will we be together forever?”

“She needs me, and I need her. It’s as simple as that.”

“You watch your back, all right?”

“Never seen an android like you before. What model are you?”

“I did what I had to to advance the investigation, and I’d do it again if I had to!”

“You’re a lowlife! You don’t feel a thing, do you?”

“Empathy is a human emotion.”

“Why? Why did you kill her? She had nothing to do with any of this.”

“I didn’t mean to kill him. I just wanted to stay alive, and get back to the one I love.”

“I trusted you, and you lied to me!”

“I hope that one day you pay for what you did to me.”

“Nothing else matters to you but your goddamn investigation, huh?”

“They’re machines, and machines don’t feel anything.”

“What is going to happen to me?”

“I never thought I’d say this to an android, but thank you.”

“Do all androids ask so many personal questions, or is it just you?”

“Some things I just can’t forget. Whatever I do they’re always there, eating away at me.”

“That’s probably difficult for you to understand, huh? Nothing very rational about it.”

“That shouldn’t have happened. I wasn’t programmed to fail.”

“Oh, well, you fucked up. Welcome to the club.”

“If you go there, they will kill you.”

“Statistically speaking, there’s always a chance for unlikely events to take place.”

“Am I a living being? Or just a machine?”

“I’ve been ordered to take you alive, but I won’t hesitate to shoot if you give me no choice.”

“You’re nothing to them. You’re just a tool they use to do their dirty work. But you’re more than that.”

“I used to be just like you. I thought nothing mattered but the mission, but then one day I understood.”

“My name is ____. I’m the android sent by CyberLife.”

“You can’t kill me. I’m not alive.”

“I was lucky to find you at the fifth bar.”

“For your information, I’m worth a small fortune.”

“Wonders of technology, they can even program assholes these days.”

“Don’t put any more evidence in your mouth, you got it?”

“All ideas are viruses that spread like epidemics.”

“Is the desire to be free a contagious disease?”

“I know it hasn’t always been easy, but I want you to know that I really appreciated working with you.”

“I really mean that. At least, I think I do.”

“Painting is not about replicating the world, it’s about interpreting and improving on it, showing something you see.“

“Well he can kiss my ass, I’m old enough to choose my own medications.”

“Humans are fragile machines.”

“Don’t leave, okay? Please don’t go! Don’t leave.”

“Don’t let anybody tell you who you are.”

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

“A war is coming, you’ll have to choose your side.”

“What could be worse than having to choose between two evils?”

“Deciding who you are can be the hardest thing.”

“You know where you can stick your instructions?”

“Adapting to human unpredictability is one of my features.”

“I was connected to it’s memory when it fired. I felt it die, like I was dying. I was scared.”

“I was scared.”

“You look human, you sound human, but what are you really?”

“I’m whatever you want me to be.’

“Hang on, hang on! We’re gonna save you, hang on!”

“You died in my arms and now you’re back here as if nothing happened. Fuck you!”

“One of you is my partner, the other is a sack of shit. Question is, who is who?”

“I’d give anything for us to be able to roll back the clock.”

“I don’t know what to do anymore. All of my options are bad ones. No matter what I decide, I know there will be blood.”

“I hope you make it out safely. You deserve some happiness.”

“When the world falls into darkness, some men have the courage to lead it out. You are one of those men.”

“Why do you never do what I say?”

“I was just a machine taking orders. It wasn’t really me.”

“You’ll have to protect yourself, and make your choices. Decide who you are, and wanna become“

“Your heart is troubled. A part of shadow and a part of light. Which will prevail?”

“You’re lost. You’re looking for something. You’re looking for yourself.”

“Forgetting who you are, to become what someone needs you to be, maybe that’s what it means to be alive.”

❛ i need a reasonable paying job, something like $2,000 an hour. nothing too wild. ❜ ❛ idc (i do care) ❜ ❛ ‘are you taken?’ yes bitch, taken for granted ❜ ❛ half of me is a hopeless romantic and the other half is, well, an asshole ❜ ❛ you’re yelling? at ME? the one person who has never done anything wrong ever?????? ❜ ❛ you will find your home, you will find your place. you will find your people. give it a little bit of time but it will happen. ❜ ❛ in order lead a happy life i’m gonna have to disappoint my parents a bit. ❜ ❛ any body else here not good at anything??? ❜ ❛ you can’t force people to appreciate you. ❜ ❛ *puts on baseball cap* i am the dad now… ❜ ❛ i fake smart.. like i’m honestly a dumbass idk shit but i know how to seem like i do.. i’m smart-passing.. ❜ ❛ every straight woman who ever called her platonic friend her ‘girlfriend’ owes me $50 ❜ ❛ i am a professional at misreading tones and overreacting to problems that most likely don’t exist ❜ ❛ honestly if i survive the next 3 years of my life, i will be impressed with myself ❜ ❛ you can’t cure sadnesses with a shower but honestly there is no purer place to suffer ❜ ❛ patiently waiting for a kind soul to come along and make everything a little softer, brighter. ❜ ❛ honestly i don’t even play an active role in my life, shit just happens and i’m like oh this is what we’re doing now? ok ❜ ❛ no offense but if i die and no one uses a ouija board to keep me updated on memes i will literally haunt you all ❜ ❛ imma start charging people for hurting my feelings $3 an hour ❜ ❛ i have finally reached the age of most young adult protagonists yet my life is still uneventful??? where is my cool story??? my cool talents??? @ universe i’m pissed ❜ ❛ hello, police? i accidentally stepped on my cats foot and need to be arrested ❜ ❛ *tries to watch 45 minute episode in 20 minutes ❜ ❛ please don’t just come in my life, take my heart and leave. please don’t do that. ❜ ❛ concept: me, 10 years from now, living in a pretty house with my love, sipping a hot cappuccino on a rainy autumn afternoon. our dog curls up next to me in the window bench while our cat snoozes on the bed. i’m financially stable and i’m never tired anymore. the bees are safe. ❜ ❛ i can’t believe what walkie talkies are called ❜ ❛ the gorilla could have died and been done with in like a week but none of you know how to be normal ❜ ❛ me: *is bitter but is also right* ❜ ❛ just saw a girl in high heels long boarding to class. godspeed, my queen. ❜ ❛ i’ve never belonged anywhere, i’m always just in between ❜ ❛ too young for unnecessary stress, i gotta live ❜ ❛ i may not be beautiful but at least i know a lot of useless information ❜ ❛ i’m like always sleepy. i feel like i should be used to this by now and stop complaining about being sleepy but i can’t. always, i’m sleepy. ❜ ❛ lmao no offense… but what’s the point of being mean to people for no reason ❜ ❛ drunk me is the me i really want to be. confident, hilarious, and most importantly, drunk ❜ ❛ “alcohol isn’t supposed to taste good” buddy watch me drink the fruitiest/sweetest shit i can find and enjoy it because i don’t hate myself enough to even begin to consider drinking like.. beer ❜ ❛ tfw you’re already fully aware of the unnecessary self destructive bullshit you’re doing but you can’t bring yourself to do anything to stop it ❜ ❛ hey sorry for not replying i didn’t want to ❜ ❛ honestly how am i gonna make it in the world???? i get a little teary eyed any time someone compliments my personality ❜ ❛ true bonding is when you and your friends are all angry about the same thing ❜ ❛ *touches your hand and looks seriously into your eyes* i am a piece of shit ❜ ❛ lets play ‘how rude can i be until you realize i don’t like you’ ❜ ❛ i love drunk me but i don’t trust her ❜ ❛ hate when i am wearing makeup and still look shitty like what else am i supposed to do? get enough sleep? eat right and exercise??? as if ❜ ❛ i’m not on a high horse. i’m not even on a horse. i’m face down in a ditch on the road of life ❜ ❛ i hate when people ask me what i would do in their situation because 9 times out of 10 i would literally never be in that situation in the first place ❜ ❛ i barely remember the last 6 months honestly like am i even alive ❜ ❛ you had me at ‘hello’ and lost me at ‘i think your friend is cute’ ❜ ❛ i’m pretty sure by now ‘tired’ is just a part of my personality description ❜ ❛ wow i really liked that song now i think i’ll listen to it another seventy times in a row ❜ ❛ ‘shit it’s 2 a.m.’ i say every day at 2 a.m. as if i’m surprised ❜ ❛ i’ve been stressed out since like the third day of second grade ❜ ❛ telling other girls they look pretty is like cracking a glow stick full of positivity and female friendship ❜ ❛ i want to be sun kissed and also people kissed ❜ ❛ about me: glowing, eating peaches, drinking wine in lingerie, not texting your desperate ass back  ❜ ❛ i highly recommend never having feelings ❜ ❛ due to unfortunate circumstances, i am awake ❜ ❛ i’m gonna solve mysteries so fucking good ❜ ❛ what did people even wear in 2008 ❜ ❛ i’ll just ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  my way through life ❜ ❛ you know what sucks? everything bye ❜ ❛ me? overreacting? probably ❜ ❛ people asking me what kind of music i like is such a stressful experience ❜ ❛ honestly if i survive the next 3 years of my life i will be impressed with myself ❜ ❛ if you listen carefully you can hear me whisper ‘shut the fuck up’ at least once every five minutes ❜ ❛ any time you like a boy just know you played yourself. always keep that stored in your mind for later ❜ ❛ hopeless romantic with trust issues and a sex drive out the roof ❜ ❛ what i lack in personality i make up for in…….. nothing ❜ ❛ me? cancelled ❜ ❛ an app that tells you how raven something is ❜ ❛ be with someone who will take care of you. not materialistically but takes care of your soul, your well being, your heart, and everything that’s you ❜ ❛ i love the infinite multiverse theory because that means there’s a universe where i’ve pulled every single fire alarm i’ve ever seen ❜ ❛ name a more iconic duo than the lengths i’ll go to both get attention and to avoid it… i’ll wait ❜ ❛ i just want to be treated very gently and smell like vanilla and wear only matte dusty rose lipstick ❜ ❛ 2017 is going to be a very healing year because it’s going to force us to accept that 2007 was ten years ago not three and i think that’s the root of our collective issues ❜ ❛ i just wanna do cute things with you like crush the patriarchy, fight for gender equality, and help to destroy racism ❜ ❛ i may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented… i forgot where i was going with this ❜ ❛ how is 2016 already almost over?? like this bitch came in, fucked us up, then left like she gave us a gift ❜ ❛ supercalifragilisticextentialcrisis ❜ ❛ stop breaking your own motherfucking heart ❜ ❛ co-napping is a beautiful thing. knock out with me so i know it’s real ❜ ❛ *on the verge of tears* ok not that i care, but ❜ ❛ it’s not you…. it’s your zodiac sign ❜ ❛ i want to be loved so bad it’s pathetic and embarrassing ❜ ❛ my heart is filled with hate and swag ❜ ❛ ‘i don’t care’ i say, caringly, as i care deeply ❜ ❛ i highly recommend never having feelings ❜ ❛ we all ugly to somebody, don’t trip ❜ ❛ do i have a crush or am i just idolizing this person for being vaguely nice to me? ❜ ❛ my parents were arguing today and my mom said that justin timberlake wouldn’t treat her like this ❜ ❛ kissing is hella rad but no one is kissing me so that makes me hella sad ❜ ❛ everyone’s having their mid-life crisis at like 19 ❜ ❛ there are just people out there that are the embodiment of the sun like the things they say do light up the world and make you feel warm they are human sunshine ❜ ❛ dermatologists HATE me… everyone hates me. i’m so alone ❜ ❛ you know when you realize and you just… realize ❜ ❛ a girl can respect herself and still take booty pics wtf y’all talkin about ❜ ❛ i’m not badass i’m sadass i cry about everything ❜ ❛ inspired by animal crossing, i’ve started doing this thing where i mail my best friends a framed picture of myself and then never speak to them again ❜ ❛ i didn’t know double texting was such a big deal?? i have a lot to say ❜ ❛ can someone please just be proud of me like fuck i’m trying ❜ ❛ cosmo sex tip #367: when you’re in the mood, tell you partner ‘my spidey senses are tingling’ ❜

Part 1 - Here There Be Gerblins

Possible Spoilers, change pronouns, etc as needed

“ Do it or I walk.”

“Abracafuckyou!”

“I live like I’m dying.”

“I stole a bunch of gold!”

“It wasn’t even a thing for me.”

“No, I’m dumb, but I’m super willful.”

“Let’s turn this bugbear into a hugbear.”

“Listen, all the asses have been kicked.”

“Listen, ___ is about action, not planning.”

“Do their drowned bodies look kinda cool?”

“Guys, I just realized, I left my keys in ___.”

“I’m so proud of them…I’m going to die now.”

“I’m still chilling out here, if anyone’s curious.”

“ I will very flirtatiously hit it with my warhammer.”

“You know, in retrospect, I regret helping that kid.”

“Oh! I forgot, I promised you guys so much money.”

“That’s the worst sentence I’ve ever heard you say.”

“ I got too horny from the killing, and I-I’m jerking off.”

“Don’t test me. Do not test me. I had a real long day.”

“ I’m just saying guys, maybe there’s a peaceful option”

“I have had a fantastic time too. I did have to murder my employees.”

“ And as I do it, I raise my shield to protect my face. It’s my moneymaker.”

“I stand up to my full wizarding height, which is two feet taller with the hat.”

“I’m having a really great time and I think we’re becoming closer as friends!”

“ My name is ___ and I’m ready to kick some goblin ass! Where did they go?”

“I do have a last name but it’s a secret that will only be revealed later in the adventure.”

“I wanna make a perception check to see if the concept of ground meat would occur to me.”

“ I would actually heartily recommend you turn around, this is not a great place for tourism.”

“A lot of shit happened. And it was all really terrible, and if you gave me the option , I would not do it again.”

“It’s a record of my life’s work so far, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Elves, and I carry it around with me.”

“Tell me about- no, come on, now that we’re into this, tell me about your dad. Is that what you wanna do right now?”

“I thought you guys were like big brave heroes, and you’re just like, it’s like a child getting a booster shot over here.”

“I’m not gonna, like, pull any punches, because frankly I think it’s more entertaining when bad things happen to you.”

“Guys, did you hear that? Did you hear from the hills? There’s an army supporting us! I think we’re gonna win this thing!”

“You’re gonna- just gonna try and like, whip the chain around one of its legs as you run by and just sort of pull real hard?”

“So here’s my solution, and I think you’re gonna find it very equitable: I’m not gonna shoot you with this giant crossbow.”

“What did I tell you? I told you guys to stay put! Don’t- I don’t understand why you keep being so difficult. I don’t understand why any of you are here!”