bc i’m too lazy to buy a journal and actually use it, i guess i’m resorting back to tumblr again to wRitE mY feEliNgS 

this move was supposed to be my escape from abuse and the greatest thing i’ve ever had to do, but I can’t seem to fully relax and believe that something won’t just slam me back into reality. we had that celebration party for me the first day I moved but aside from that, I don’t know if I’ve exactly celebrated in any way. there are moments of happiness that is inevitably met with feelings of guilt and grief. it probably doesn’t help that i’m not in therapy anymore and probably won’t be until I’m back in Seattle. it’s weird to have emotions - like it’s so jarring to have all of these colors in your palette when you’ve only ever used black and white. i missed my mom a lot when i first moved, and i loved talking to her every day when I had the chance but now it’s become overwhelming again. maybe it’s because every time she calls it’s always the same questions again and again. 

“have you gotten a job yet?”

“did you get your license yet?”

“are you coming back since you can’t get a job?”

did i really need to be hit with the cold on my last 2 weeks of my hardest quarter

really

reALLLY

I’VE GOTTEN A 4.0 IN TWO OF MY CLASSES THE WHOLE ENTIRE QUARTER

I’VE BEEN DOING SO WELL IN MY TEAM LECTURES

y’all i just need a damn break lmao

let me just not exist for like 2 minutes pls

its so tiring

i just need to hang on and get all my presentations and exams and papers and readings done and then i can just escape for like 8 days 

and then i can pet all the dogs and cats

and just sleep

and get the hell away from seattle 

i still watched and checked in with your streams despite us not talking anymore, and i guess today was finally the day that i needed to realize that it probably isn’t worth it or best to anymore.

seeing what kola said about me was pretty hurtful, not gonna lie. and it made me think of the worst things about myself that i could probably ever come up with when you two are just talking. 

i want to say maybe i guess i deserve it, but i’m not, because i don’t think that i do. regardless, i’m glad that you’re keeping up with a schedule and that youre taking proactive steps to constructing the life i always knew you could, and it’s a shame that maybe it’s best we’re both not in each other’s lives. 

i dont know if you were going to still try and be friends after you’ve gotten to a good place, but i guess i’ll still keep your bullet and things safe until the time being. 

i’m really happy you’re surrounding yourself more with people that care for you and that you find your way out of this labyrinth you’ve found yourself in for quite some time now. thanks for everything that you’ve helped me through, and if the things in my mind are really what you think of me then i’m sorry that’s what you thought and think of me.

i don’t know if i have the will power to see you’re streaming or tweeting and not want to pop in, so if i end up unfollowing, it isn’t malicious just something for my own sanity.