Anonymous

I’ll share your secrets, I’ll critique your decisions.

I’m talking about

Lewie

Boy, you are so bland, you honestly think being a SEMI-pro footie player is doing something.

Gosh, I swear you are so boring that I lost you somewhere because you faded into the background so well.

Real classy by the way, not wiping off Amelia’s lippy from your cheek. Are we supposed to believe you didn’t feel that crusty mess on there? Like genuinely.

Sophie

Babe. My girl.

You were a bad bombshell- literally anyone says that you only turned Jack’s head and that was only because Rachel didn’t like him.

And really- acrobat? You really have no thought to a career after thirty, huh? Hope those festivals and parties pay well, cause otherwise you’ll be starting an actually useful job way too late in life.

If Luna is gone, you’re a bitch. If Emel is gone, you become a ho- and before anyone gets their panties in a twist, I know each one kind of fills the role, but it’s still fucking annoying.

Also- what is that pose? Why are you perpetually leaning back? Cocking your head? You could actually be pretty, but I’m pretty sure you have nerve damage in your neck at this point.

Let’s also toss in you trying to act like you really did something by flirty texting MC’s partner when the season was over. You were so fucking cocky about it, no remorse to be seen, until you were called out for being such a loser that you can’t even see what’s right in front of your face.

Liam

Because mans has an Easter egg head.

Literally dude, you are so down bad for Bea and you’ve known for five minutes.

Chill.

Also the ego? You are not that fine, you’re mid at best.

Most of you probably saw season six and assumed Ivy, huh?

Nope.

Here’s-

Grace

My girl. Love. Babe.

Get some fucking standards.

You have such a hard on for Ozzy that you are willing to ignore every flag that would piss a bull off, and then you wonder why you get hurt.

It’s honestly disrespectful. Treat yourself better.

You also had such a hard on for Ozzy that you thirsted over his brother for a hot second, and that was just weird.

Iona.

Iona, babe, I’m going to say this and I want you to listen very carefully.

We do not fucking care that you rig pylons.

Genuinely, mentioning it one time would’ve been fine, but every chance you got was beyond annoying.

You’re like the girl that thinks she’s ‘one of the guys’, and have to remind them every ten minutes that you aren’t girly.

Also- sex toys delivered to your office? Like forreal? Just no professionalism, huh?

Lottie

Lottie, Lottie, Lottie…

You suck, babe.

You were all over Priya about “girl code” this, and “girl code” that, and you were a hypocrite the whole time.

And not only were a hypocrite, when you were called out you ran away like a little bitch and left Gary to deal with the drama- and yet you still picked a fight with Priya about it.

From the very beginning you preached how the girls shouldn’t step on each other’s toes, but you kept getting attitude with MC if they wanted Gary, even though you want to change things about him and pick on him whenever you can.

And on an Ibrahim route, you take center stage with your “woe is me” attitude, that it’s like no one notices MC was the real partner he left behind when he chose Shannon.

Because now we have…

Levi.

“Olympic swimming pool deep”.

That bitch.

First of all- Jen deserved better. You led her on, you humiliated her- even when MC shows no interest in you. (Talia route, anyone?)

You literally pursue MC the whole season and even when she does want you, you waste literally no time at all before you’re snogging Cherry at the roof terrace.

And then you basically ignore MC, your partner that you risked fallout to pick, to spend the day doing the shopping and cooking with Miss Drama?

“Friends call you Romeo.” Probably because they know any romance you’re involved in will end in bloody tragedy.

Henrik

My biggest issue with Henrik is that he calls MC “high maintenance”.

Like- the other characters pressure MC and criticize her for not changing her clothes, and you wanna give her shit for not wearing the same thing every day like everyone else does? That doesn’t track.

You don’t even know her job, because you say the same thing even when MC is a conservationist that works in the rainforest.

It’s dumb. Like genuinely dumb as hell- but then so are you, so.

But Blake is supposedly your fucking type?

Now- I do know that Blake is just brought back by whoever MC’s partner happens to be.

But like… seriously?

I’m supposed to believe that the man whose evening clothes consist of a muscle tee and jeans chose this girl wearing gold with her hair done up? But MC is high maintenance?

That’s right! We’re coming back with

Camilo.

I think you’re kind of a weird guy. I mean as far as the third series goes, you weren’t the worst choice, but you weren’t the best.

You flirted with MC constantly behind Iona’s back, and if you were MC’s partner but she was stolen by Ciaran or Tai, you talked up the night you had with Iona.

I find that weird.

Seb.

Now, I can clearly appreciate a cynic.

Really, it’s something we need once a season.

But dude, quit being a poser.

You chose the season’s sunshine queen, were literally tripping over your feet to get ready for a date with Yasmin because you were so excited, lit up with joy when you found out Doom had kittens, took literally no convincing to let Viv and MC put eyeliner on you, wanted to make a mix tape for Viv after like a day.

The list goes on.

You are not a cynic.

You are a hipster that wants to seem edgy.

Marshall

Homie…

You are a walking warning light. Have a label strapped on you that screams toxic.

You chose fucking Amelia. Like really?

Even after telling MC over and over again that “my brother doesn’t see what’s right in front of him”.

And then you still chose the “pick me”?

Standards, bro. Get some.

Of course, you “come to your senses” in the Villa and pursue MC, but that’s only really after Amelia is trading you in for a new boo, right?

Ozzy.

Mister Wishy Washy himself. Or at least… version 4.0 or something of Mister Wishy Washy. Dance your way right out of my face, my guy, because just like the version before you- all you do is lead your partner.

You can’t be honest with Grace, can’t be honest with MC- are you even honest with yourself?

Why did it take him actually showing up to admit you had a twin? Like how did you not think to bring it up even one time while in a Villa, such close quarters, with another set of bloody twins?

It’s sus.

Not as sus as your flirting behind your partner’s back, but I digress.

Bruno

And he gets white because I don’t have that ugly blonde dye job of a color.

Mate, you aren’t funny. Like I enjoy bad jokes, I like puns, but you ain’t make me laugh once. It’s kind of concerning, because I laugh at literally everything.

How fancy boy Youcef becomes your best mate is mind boggling because I really thought his standards were higher.

I can’t picture anyone being friends with you outside of the Villa because of your constant ‘jokes’- except maybe Will cause man is too high to think properly.

It actually nuts that you and Cora ended up together, but I guess she had to settle for you out of the line up, huh?