i am Mia Renee

Posting for the first time in a while. I don't know what to say. I can't stop thinking that he isn't actually okay.

Why do I let you manipulate me like this? Why do I allow you to hurt me? Why in the hell did I let you do this for so long? Stop hurting me please. Stop black mailing and guilt tripping and manipulating. Stop lecturing and harping. Stop everything. When was the last time I felt love from you? When was the last time I wasn't a disappointment of let down? When was the last time you weren't angry?

last night i went to my friends' jazz concert. i haven't grinned like that in a long long time. i'm so proud of them.  i love that the music will never die because of the amazing people who strive to let it live on.  so thank you cleoknickerbocker for not only being my friend but for being there to help jazz live on.  

it's the time of year where i just want to smell warm comforting smells and that may sound weird but its how i feel. like who doesn't want to be snuggled into warm blankets with the ones they love? i wish i could explain the feeling i get when this holiday season comes... but the best i got is this: that warm fire, glowing red and orange. that popping sound it makes. the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg and pine and vanilla.  the snow falling. the warmth of blankets.  the taste of hot chocolate or warm apple cider.  the warm food. the laughter in the air.  the feeling of your heart being hugged.. how else can i explain this feeling? and this year i get to spend it with new friends like cleoknickerbocker and i am so excited.

I have been injured since January, this means I have been in too much pain to swim for the past nine months.  For the first time in a while I was able to get into the pool and swim for more than twenty minutes.  I can honestly say that I am extremely grateful that I was surrounded by water, because not a single person on my team was able to see my tears of joy.  Sure they saw me grit my teeth once I started to feel pain again, but being able to be in the pool, to me it was like going home.To dive in, have the sensation of my hands breaking the surface, as the rest of my body followed suit, it was breath taking in every sense of the phrase.  The nerves were like a chemical waiting for a counterpart to see what kind of reaction would occur.  If pain had set in right away I may have broken down and sobbed in front of my new teammates.  The build up of frustration can only be handled for so long. Ten years of competitive swimming and then loosing it one day, it was a shock.  I’ve never been so excited to rededicate my life to something that took away my social life as a kid, but I think I’m addicted to the muscle fatigue.  I believe that swimming was a strong outlet for me and it has been really amazing for me to see how much it affected my life. 

Rainy days are my favorite.  They make me savor the sunny ones that much more.  The clouds in the sky make me smile because they usually hold rain.  This rain brings forth new life or come fall, it maintains it.  I love the way these dark days make me feel all cuddly inside.  It may seem strange that I adore these times where most feel down or depressed but I simply cannot help it.  Dreary days inspire my poetry or my works of so called art.  They help me look inside myself.  

Stressed out, this is me.  Swimming, physical therapy, practicing piano, practicing guitar, reading for classes, meeting with the C.L.A.S.S. office, maintaining a social life, writing papers, and so much more.  That is what is on my plate.  To me, these things are monster time consumers, gnawing away at the seconds in my day.  It may not be as horrendous as I perceive it to be, but it’s my opinion.  I think the reason why these are so bad to me is because each thing involves another person depending on me, or expecting me to do something.  I don’t mind when people ask me to do things, it’s letting them down that makes me feel awful.  I despise disappointing others, to the point where I am too tough on myself.  I will not say yes to everything asked of me, and if I cannot control something, I will do my best at it.  But that brings me back to disappointing people.  I’m terrified of that.

i hate thinking. i really do. i overthink everything i stress out and honestly i just want to cry.  it's not that i don't enjoy life. i just... i'm alone in a crowded room... i just feel so freaking empty some days. and no matter what i do i cannot find something to fill that huge hole in me. what if it's not meant to be filled? maybe i'm forever meant to be invisible and empty. the hole is how everyone walks through(over) me. i'm just tired of this feeling.

it's amazing. you decide one thing and the whole bloody world thinks it's either a terrible idea or the greatest one they've seen from you in awhile... but why is it that when i think i've made a good one the world is against me? why is it that when i'm happy the world seemingly doesn't give a single care at all? i mean, why can't i just go out with a person with out extreme judgment? or why can't i just kiss a guy without it meaning anything at all? like the world or my peers feels like i have to be tied down to one guy and one thing! why can't i just enjoy a guys company, and the way he treats me but at the same time not have a thing? why can't girls and guys cuddle!? why is this not a thing?! it needs to be a mother freaking thing!  seriously. i like a guy. but he and i would be a horrendous couple, we both know it.  but we like each other and we like spending time with each other. so why can't we just be chill?