Posting for the first time in a while. I don't know what to say. I can't stop thinking that he isn't actually okay.

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@thoughtsofmiarenee-blog
Posting for the first time in a while. I don't know what to say. I can't stop thinking that he isn't actually okay.

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Why do I let you manipulate me like this? Why do I allow you to hurt me? Why in the hell did I let you do this for so long? Stop hurting me please. Stop black mailing and guilt tripping and manipulating. Stop lecturing and harping. Stop everything. When was the last time I felt love from you? When was the last time I wasn't a disappointment of let down? When was the last time you weren't angry?
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where, I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I don’t know any other way of loving.
Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets (via bookmania)
Thank you life
It’s weird to say that if my Stepdad and my real dad had both made one different life decision, I know I could have a completely different life.  I am so thankful for the choices made even if I had nothing to do with either of them.  Thank you for your mistakes and your successes.  Thank you for marrying my mother. Without my father I wouldn’t exist.  Without my Stepdad, I wouldn’t have all the amazing opportunities and memories.  Thanks to all the horrible events of my past, you have made me stronger.  Thank you for breaking me down until I feel like I am dying at the bottom, you have made me fight.  Thank you to the bullies, you made me realize what I am not.  Thank you to the world, you showed me to be humble.  Thank you to my mother, you showed me how to be the lady I aspire to be.  Thank you to my family near and far, you showed be how important family is and how no matter the distance we can be close.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me, you have helped me overcome my fears.  Thank you to childhood friends, you have always been one call away.  Thank you to every person who has made me laugh, you have saved my days. Thank you to my exs, you have helped me become more confident. Thank you to my future, for all the adventures in store.  Thank you to music, for saving my life. Thank you to my God, you have saved my soul.
I've got something to say.
I've got something to say. But you aren't listening. I've got something to say. But of course you go missing. I've got to tell you that I'm sick of this. Annoyed no one sticks around or sticks up for this. Why isn't anybody here to hear? Why can't this one or that one stand to be near? What is the point of all this talking. When all I see are people just walking, Away. But I've got something to say. No one is listening. I've got something to say. And now it hits that you're missing. I've got something to say. Please stay. -Mia Renee

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YOU ARE ENOUGH
No person deserves to be talked down to and made to feel like they are a piece of crap. no one should ever feel like the world is a pointless place. no person should feel like they aren’t enough for their own gosh darn family! to any human out there who feels like they aren’t enough I want you to know that you are loved, you have a purpose, and YOU ARE MORE THAN ENOUGH!
I read something once. it said " push people away when all i really want is someone to hug me and tell me it's okay"Â
i want to say
that i never have felt okay
except that day
when we were one
under the winter stars or sun
i miss being held
i miss the love
i miss the way my heart flew like a dove
the beats like a humming bird's wings
never stoping until one day they did
but i had already fallen
but that time i was caught
now i just keep falling into the abyssÂ
the complete and total emptiness
I want this
Late night rants of a broken hearted girl
Stop doing whatever it is that you are doing to make me think of you. Just stop it. Get out of my head. I don't love you. I love the thought of you. I miss our relationship. How we used to be. When we were young and naive. I miss the cheesy romantic stuff. But I do not miss you. I think about all of it and you show up. I don't want you there I don't want to think about you every day. So why is it happening now? It's over it's done. So why?? Why can't you just leave me be? Why can't you let me be happy? Why did I have to be so fucking prophetic??
I just want love to stop being sucky. like if i'm meant to be with this one guy then can the universe let it happen? like that would be super dope. but if there is someone else out there then gosh darn it bring him to my freaking door so i can start my happy ending. because i believe in happy endings even if there are a few bumps in it. and i want all that rom com crap in there too. but right now i got a whole lot of crap and i'm really really sick of it.
I just want love to stop being sucky. like if i'm meant to be with this one guy then can the universe let it happen? like that would be super dope. Â but if there is someone else out there then gosh darn it bring him to my freaking door so i can start my happy ending. because i believe in happy endings even if there are a few bumps in it. and i want all that rom com crap in there too. but right now i got a whole lot of crap and i'm really really sick of it.

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last night i went to my friends' jazz concert. i haven't grinned like that in a long long time. i'm so proud of them. Â i love that the music will never die because of the amazing people who strive to let it live on. Â so thank you cleoknickerbocker for not only being my friend but for being there to help jazz live on. Â
it's the time of year where i just want to smell warm comforting smells and that may sound weird but its how i feel. like who doesn't want to be snuggled into warm blankets with the ones they love? i wish i could explain the feeling i get when this holiday season comes... but the best i got is this: that warm fire, glowing red and orange. that popping sound it makes. the smell of cinnamon and nutmeg and pine and vanilla. Â the snow falling. the warmth of blankets. Â the taste of hot chocolate or warm apple cider. Â the warm food. the laughter in the air. Â the feeling of your heart being hugged.. how else can i explain this feeling? and this year i get to spend it with new friends like cleoknickerbocker and i am so excited.
I have been injured since January, this means I have been in too much pain to swim for the past nine months. For the first time in a while I was able to get into the pool and swim for more than twenty minutes. I can honestly say that I am extremely grateful that I was surrounded by water, because not a single person on my team was able to see my tears of joy. Sure they saw me grit my teeth once I started to feel pain again, but being able to be in the pool, to me it was like going home.To dive in, have the sensation of my hands breaking the surface, as the rest of my body followed suit, it was breath taking in every sense of the phrase. The nerves were like a chemical waiting for a counterpart to see what kind of reaction would occur. If pain had set in right away I may have broken down and sobbed in front of my new teammates. The build up of frustration can only be handled for so long. Ten years of competitive swimming and then loosing it one day, it was a shock. I’ve never been so excited to rededicate my life to something that took away my social life as a kid, but I think I’m addicted to the muscle fatigue. I believe that swimming was a strong outlet for me and it has been really amazing for me to see how much it affected my life.Â
Rainy days are my favorite. They make me savor the sunny ones that much more. The clouds in the sky make me smile because they usually hold rain. This rain brings forth new life or come fall, it maintains it. I love the way these dark days make me feel all cuddly inside. It may seem strange that I adore these times where most feel down or depressed but I simply cannot help it. Dreary days inspire my poetry or my works of so called art. They help me look inside myself. Â
Stressed out, this is me. Swimming, physical therapy, practicing piano, practicing guitar, reading for classes, meeting with the C.L.A.S.S. office, maintaining a social life, writing papers, and so much more. That is what is on my plate. To me, these things are monster time consumers, gnawing away at the seconds in my day. It may not be as horrendous as I perceive it to be, but it’s my opinion. I think the reason why these are so bad to me is because each thing involves another person depending on me, or expecting me to do something. I don’t mind when people ask me to do things, it’s letting them down that makes me feel awful. I despise disappointing others, to the point where I am too tough on myself. I will not say yes to everything asked of me, and if I cannot control something, I will do my best at it. But that brings me back to disappointing people. I’m terrified of that.

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i hate thinking. i really do. i overthink everything i stress out and honestly i just want to cry. Â it's not that i don't enjoy life. i just... i'm alone in a crowded room... i just feel so freaking empty some days. and no matter what i do i cannot find something to fill that huge hole in me. what if it's not meant to be filled? maybe i'm forever meant to be invisible and empty. the hole is how everyone walks through(over) me. i'm just tired of this feeling.
it's amazing. you decide one thing and the whole bloody world thinks it's either a terrible idea or the greatest one they've seen from you in awhile... but why is it that when i think i've made a good one the world is against me? why is it that when i'm happy the world seemingly doesn't give a single care at all? i mean, why can't i just go out with a person with out extreme judgment? or why can't i just kiss a guy without it meaning anything at all? like the world or my peers feels like i have to be tied down to one guy and one thing! why can't i just enjoy a guys company, and the way he treats me but at the same time not have a thing? why can't girls and guys cuddle!? why is this not a thing?! it needs to be a mother freaking thing! seriously. i like a guy. but he and i would be a horrendous couple, we both know it.  but we like each other and we like spending time with each other. so why can't we just be chill?