⁺*༓☾Thoughts of a Passerby☽༓*⁺

The first warmth at the end of my cold nights

The one bastion of safety from my darkness

You were an inferno that made my love ash

You were the sword

The blade that saw to my protection

The bloodied steel to deflect fatal strikes

You were a cloven gash in my beating chest

You were the rose

The dew covered petals to grace my morns

The rich romance to stay my face a smile

You were the thorns that found my hands

You were the wind

The loving breeze that held me close

The gentle whistle my nightly lullaby

You were a raging storm that found me buried

You were the rope

The only safe coil at my most perilous heights

The twine that kept my seams together

A ray of light across my face

Laughter I can really feel

You keep the stars in your pocket

Just to hand them to me

You fumble around with them

We laugh until our cheeks hurt

And I hug you tight as I can

The pungent tang of blood and smoke hanging in my nose

The thought that I’ll return to the ground one day a comfort

Like little stars I could reach out and touch

In a sea of fog, I see these pinpricks of light

They’re one thing of few I can still remember

I’d catch them to watch them blink in my hand

Lately, I’ve been seeing those little lights less

They’re fading out alongside my childhood

Those laughter-filled nights are long gone

Now I’m left with myself in the lonely old fog

“Why can’t you work properly?”

My mind asks my body

And I ask my mind

Every day it hurts more

Every day I sleep more

Every hour I sleep feels worse

If I’m not doing something

What use am I?

Even when doing something

Hurts too much to bear

I am a stained glass window

When the sun shines through me

I light up a room with a million hues

It took hours of time and effort

Just to make me what I am

But glass is brittle and fragile

Touch me and I’ll break apart

And you’ll cut your hands on the shards

I am a rose in bloom

Vibrant red and vivid green

I am perfumes and bouquets

My petals are true love

But flowers die quickly when picked

And if you get too close

You’ll be pricked by the thorns

And leave covered in scratches

I am a hand painted mural

I am the mark of an artist

A boring wall changed by passion

Love and time gave birth to me

But all paint eventually chips

And leaves nothing behind

Besides, a wall won’t hug you back

My fingers trace your waistband

And I feel you pull away

It’s too clear how I feel

And I feel you pull away

I wonder if you'll leave me

When I feel you pull away

Am I more than you expected?

I can feel you pull away

Will you think I'm too much?

I force myself to pull away.

My hands always have been cold, but you held them anyway because you knew yours ran warmer than mine, and even though it wasn’t pleasant in the moment it helped you to bring me warmth.

But lately when we come in from the snow I can still see your breath fog in the air; you won’t let me put my hands in your sweater anymore, and when I put my hands in yours, they’re colder than mine ever were

And lit up his eyes like gold rings that I couldn’t help but stare at

Far from the perfect romantic moment, yet just as sweet

But then he leaned in for a kiss and the guilt hit me

“I can’t,” I thought, “This is wrong,” and I pulled away

Yanking the car door open and practically running away

I threw up on the side of the road and dragged myself home

Because what would my mother think if I kissed another boy?

Because what would my pastor think if I kissed another boy?

Because what would He think if I kissed another boy?

I was crying on the big bridge above the river, in the cold

You came and put your jacket around my shoulders

And sat down next to me, and for a while we didn’t speak

But then you introduced yourself and let me cry into your shoulder

You were a stranger then, but it helped to have someone to listen

I remember every week

We would meet up on that same bridge again and again

And we would laugh together, and you loved to take pictures

The scenery was gorgeous, definitely worthy of a photographer

But somehow, every time, I ended up as the focus

No matter how many times I tried to hide my face

I remember when they found you

I was the first to know, after your family, of course

And I cried and wished that I was the one taking the photos

Or at the very least wished that you were in more of them

Because now they were the last piece of you I had left

I am a fox, running and running until I can no longer

Until I collapse and the hounds finally catch up to me

And rip me to bloody shreds and splintered bone

Scattering the remains of a life I couldn’t protect alone

And dashing the hopes of one that could be better.

Bloodied hands reach out for me to cover my mouth

And tie my limbs together so that the caging is easier

And so that I can’t struggle as they put me in the dark

Only to release me again and give me an uncertain hope

That maybe this time there’s a chance to escape.

I keep giving you second chances you probably don’t deserve

I give you my heart and my body and my mind and my voice

I am a caged canary, silent with you in the ground, but if it were to rumble

And if I were to sing, I know that you would see the light again

I took an agonizingly long time to respond, and you thought I wouldn’t at all.

You apologized for mothering me, so I snapped at you and told you to stop,

Even though I so desperately wanted you to keep treating me like a person.

You say you wish we could trade minds for a day, so that mine would stop buzzing,

I want to tell you that you couldn’t handle that, because I know that I can’t.

You ask if there’s anything you can do to help, anything to make me laugh again,

And I lay there among the wildflowers to stare up at the clouds as they pass me by,

And the sun passes me by too; the stars pass me by and the moon passes me by.

And I lay there until I become the earth, and I lay there until I become the flowers

And my loved ones might find me too late, but they won’t recognize me anymore,

Your smile is one I find infectious, when it falls upon your face I can’t help but find mine

When you speak to me I cannot help but feel less cold inside

Your voice like warm soup on a brisk winter morning

Every moment spent with you is one that I cherish greatly

Because even in a situation with no silver lining, you’d find one

Even if it meant you had to craft it by hand just for me

Working until your fingers bled to line my days with joy

Love comes easy to you in a manner that almost makes me envious

How can someone find joy so easily amid the dread?

How can someone remain so steadfast in their positivity?

But I can’t be envious, because envy is replaced by affection at the crinkle of your eyes

And if you were to die, our immortality would be shared

As Castor and Pollux, else I would prefer to die with you.

And were you my Eurydice, I would look back in a heartbeat

Else never would my own beat again without you in it

I would quest into the underworld a billion times.

And were you Achilles, I would stand by your side through any battle

I would be your spear, ready to die for you at a moment’s notice

For you mean everything to me, and I would rather not exist than be apart.

When I need guidance, I look to you instead of the North Star, because you shine just as brightly.