Thoughts Of An Average Being Uncut

first off, i love the work culture at my new workplace that i’m working at over the holidays. people are so sweet and it’s so different to the extremely corporate and retail environment that I was exposed to for 4 years at my previous workplace (good for building a cv ig, but was the anguish worth it? (lol i do be exaggerating but it literally felt underappreciated all the time and overworked because they were understaffed). Anyways, back to the matter at hand. Yeah, people are so nice. There is a man, a kindly workplace dad vibes, who said he wouldn’t mind taking me to and from work if I lived in his area (I do not, but it was a kind gesture). There is a girl who overshares about her life but she is always looking out for people and she volunteers to help me get stuff that I can’t get without even me prompting her (bc I’m awkward and feel bad for disrupting her). There is a lady and she is quite scary when she’s mad. Gives scary vibes but after getting to know her better, I can tell that she just speaks her mind and she is kind to me too. 

okay and secondly (really briefly because I need to get up at 6am tmrw for work and I’m tired lol). I received my invoice today for smth that I have to buy as part of my course. And I’m been working 5.5/7 days a week for almost a month now and what I’ve made doesn’t even cover the costs yet DX like wth fml anyways, and that’s not even all of it. Looking at my invoice and the things I’m getting, I feel extremely insecure about my own capabilities. I doubt my own skills and every time I think of what I need to do with the things I need to buy, I hate myself and my lack of ability to do things well. And I am so worried that I’ll never be able to do those things up to the standard that is required of me. idk it’s so pointless to be lost in a spiral of self doubt but I find it so difficult to crawl out of this hole that I’ve dug myself. i accidentally catastrophise too easily :((( eff me 

The fact that I think I don’t want to be alive and I wish I didn’t exist sure doesn’t seem healthy to me. I always always ascribe my issues to “education”. oh life’s just got me down because I have too many tests, too many assignments, too many projects and the list goes on. Until I realise, maybe I’m not enjoying myself because something is truly wrong. Furthermore, I feel so much like a child sometimes that I hate myself even more. It’s a negative feedback loop, one thing leads to another and another but they all push to cause negative effects and it just never ends. 

So, it’s been on my mind awhile now but I don’t know what it means to like someone and I generally feel like something’s wrong with me. Starting with that first point there, I literally just don’t get it. Let me give you an example. Recently, a close friend of mine said that she encountered a situation at work where a colleague gave her butterflies unexpectedly whilst doing a completely mundane activity and it totally caught her off guard. She told us and she said she didn’t know if she’d ever had butterflies before, even in her previous crushes. And a friends of ours was confused and asked ‘how did you know you had a crush on someone previously if you’ve never experienced butterflies?’ And this sent me spiralling (not that they knew) because I’ve never experienced butterflies. 

I think I’ve given myself butterflies by just willing it, like I don’t know for sure. Like my previous crushes were more like admiration and more like aesthetic attraction (def so much of this, because when I discovered this term I was bamboozled. because this is what I see, this is how I determine if I quote unquote like someone most of the time I think). And then this sent me down another path, and I was like well if I don’t feel things for boys, then maybe I feel things for girls? But I have so many female friends and I’ve never had the desire to date a single one of them. So that kinda rules that one out of my book. 

And I like the idea of dating a guy but putting that to practice, in addition to finding a guy that I actually like is a challenge in it of itself. So, basically this leaves me with two scenarios. Either I am asexual or I am demisexual. I have such a strong desire to be demisexual because I am a hopeless romantic at heart, I want a romance that blows me away. One beyond my wildest dreams but that’s difficult, and only seen in Hallmark movies apparently but I want it nevertheless. But if it terms out I am asexual, I guess I’d have to accept that? But how would I know? I’m so nervous of everything and one of those things would help me determine if I were ace or not. I quite blatant on this page but that’s something I am not spelling out. 

Yeah I think this is something that I’ve wanted to address for a while but I really just didn’t know how to approach it. I still don’t. But I think airing out my thoughts will help a little bit, whether I notice it or not. And here’s hoping that one day, I can look back at this and just laugh. Worst case scenario, I was completely on the dot for one of my scenarios and though that might suck, it truly is just what it is. 

I used to take language classes at this teacher’s house with a few other students. In my dream, I was in the main classroom that is an extension of their living room and I was with two of my classmates. One of them is younger than me and the other is in my year and she enjoys drawing. In my dream, the younger one has this whole collection of keyrings and she shows them to me before class. she has dolphins, and these red themed ones, green themed ones, and her favourite ones were notebooks which were part of the keyring. When class started, the teacher begins by asking me and the other person in my year why we were in class (because we quit the year before). we both say that we want to join again and she berates us for not telling her earlier so that she could’ve set us more holiday homework with the correct workbooks. 

Then I’m transported to some arena place? It’s like an altered swimming pool with a arena area in the middle idk we get partnered up and I’m in this one team. This girl gives me a piggy back and we go up the stairs to a different area and she goes and greets her friends. I realise I know a lot of people in that area so I greet them too. We form a circle and I greet some new people too. I see some people from my high school and wave but I remain seated in the circle with these new people. Then they leave so I try to return to my team for that competition thing but I don’t actually even know what the competition thing is. 

I hope so.

I fear that growing up makes me lose touch of what I really want out of life. I question what I’m doing with my life, what I want to achieve, and how I’m going to achieve it. it’s so agonising to think about my life and feel like such a failure even though I don’t know who or what I’m comparing myself to? 

I have moments of ease where life is good, things seem fine and I am somewhat content with my situation but usually these situations are fleeting and they only occur because the current situation I am in has put me in a better more forgiving mood. in that case, I wonder if my self worth is just strongly tied to the approval of the people around me. which doesn’t sound unlikely but it sounds real depressing from my point of view because I’ve spent my entire life, up until this point, trying to rid myself of this nasty habit of needing, wanting, yearning for approval from other people such to feel worthy. and worthy of what you ask? I’m not even sure. maybe worthy of existence?

And every time these moments hit, I flounder in my own incompetence and inability to do anything about it. all I ever do is victimise myself and I feel like the world is against me. but it’s not. every logical bone in my body realises that I am the only one to blame if I am unsatisfied with my current situation and if I don’t take steps to find my way towards the light, why would I blame anyone else for my own passivity? 

I was in a room on a bed of pillow and I was talking to a guy who was also in the same room but he was seated on a coach or something on the other side of the room. I accuse this guy (who btw i don’t recognise, but he has dark and curly hair) of not caring/not caring about me or something. I remember specifically pillows 2 and 9 and another pillow (maybe pillow 6? i think) fall off my bed of pillows and I don’t immediately go and grab them, I just lie on my bed of pillows. Then this guy walks over and picks up the pillows for me. Then he places them carefully around me as he says “don’t ever accuse me of not caring” in a soft and sensual manner. lol it was very attractive. Then he lies next to me and we lie in the bed of pillows together as the shape of our bodies mold into one another. It made my heart race but I also felt safe. And we just stay like that for a little bit until I woke up maybe bc it was making my heart race just a little too much? not sure, but it was nice while it lasted 

In another part of the dream because I went back to sleep, I worked at a pet shop that doubled as a cafe or something and it was located at this little alleyway that reminded me of the harry potter cobblestone paths in diagon alley. Anyways, I’m with some other people but I don’t remember who and we do some work at the cafe but I don’t think we’re very good at it and that’s all I remember of that part of the dream 

Like my boss asked me some basic addition today and I took way too long of a pause before answering. Then he asked me another question that I know the answer to, but my brain didn’t work because I was too nervous that he put me on the spot like that. 

It’s like I need 10 minutes to myself anything time someone asks me a question just so I can get my thoughts today. 

I don't know what this means but yikes it's weird. I'm concerned about myself to be very honest. And the worst part is always that idk what is wrong

It's been an interesting time

Too much has gone on but I like the place where I am at at the moment, I think