what I write when I need to write

Today would've been our anniversary.

When you came back it made my day. I told everyone working that day that you were back, but no one knew who you were. I've been at this job for too long.

Our weekly pancakes were the highlight of my week, and worth the extortionate price. We talked for hours, and I saw the best in you. You were funny, handsome, sweet. You loved me so much, what happened?

I worked through my traumas with you. I introduced you to my pets, and my family. My gran liked you better than me. Now I have to explain to them why you're not at every event. Why I get sad every time they ask about you. Where you've gone, and what you did. What you did with her. To her. How could you?

You ruined it all. Our plans, our life, all gone Because you chose her over me. How could you? What did she offer you? A stolen kiss and her virginity. I offered you everything you wanted. A life free from your family, with a job you actually love. We were so close but you threw it all away for a criminal offense. You chose registering to a list over a life with me. Dude she's 14, how can you even feel like this. Nearly 10 years between you, and i loved you.

I knew you were sick, that you needed help. But not like this. I pushed for therapy, I pushed for you to get a different job. To talk to someone who can actually help you. I had no idea you were like this. How could you? You ruined it all. Our plans, our life, all gone. Because you chose her over me. How could you?

What does this say about me? Was I such a terrible partner that you couldn't tell me?Should I have figured it out before you did something? How do I face everyone at work knowing what you did? They all saw the best in you as well. They ask about you, hoping you're happy. I hope you're miserable. I hope you go to prison for this. I hope that poor girl can move past your abuse. I hope I can forget you. How could you? You ruined it all. Our plans, our life, all gone. Because you chose her over me.

Would you love me if I'm gay, but you're the first girl I've ever kissed except that girl when I was 10 but she doesn't count, and I'm so scared of doing something wrong.

Would you love me if I'm probably asexual because it's rare that I wanna do it, and most of the time I just wanna cuddle.

Would you love me if I'd been broken and abused, so much so that I can't lie down in my own bed without being reminded of him, and I have to put little stars on the ceiling in order to sleep at night.

Would you love me if I sometimes got so depressed that talking is a struggle, and there's nothing you can do to make me feel better, so it just makes you feel shit too.

Would you love me if I can't hang out with your friends without almost panicking, meaning I have to leave to cry in the toilets every half an hour.

Would you love me if I was crazy and suicidal, because I have voices in my head telling me hurt myself and you, which are sometimes too hard to ignore.

Would you love me if I needed antidepressants just to feel normal, but can't have them because I'm too young and seem good enough to be okay when talking to the people who can prescribe them.

Would you love me if I can't deal with your issues, because I can barely deal with mine half the time so you'd be lucky to get the support you desperately want.

Would you love me if I constantly doubted our relationship, and don't actually think we'll make it because my head is constantly telling me we won't.

Would you love me if sometimes I have to be alone, away from you, because socialising is too much, even socialising with you.

Would you love me if I lived far away, so we saw each other less than once a week, and when we do it's only for a few hours.

Would you love me if I didn't want to spend the night, because every time I have it's gone badly and I'm scared we'll both have meltdowns and I'll just want to go home.

Would you love me if I didn't validate you like you want me to, because I never seem to be able to say what you want and it's too much for me to deal with, and when I do say something it's not enough.

Would you love me if I couldn't make you laugh, and your mum was worried about our relationship because you hadn't laughed properly in weeks, but one day with Meg and you're feeling amazing.

Would you love me if I became so ill that I didn't want you to, and you loving me would be you leaving me alone.

My gf ruined my life the other day.

She pointed out that every man who stared at us, most of them watch lesbian porn.

These men are staring at 2 teenage girls and imagining them in positions they might not even be legally allowed to do.

Imagining them roughly fucking each other, imagining them inviting a man into their bed, and then pleasuring this man more than they pleasure themselves, because lesbians really want to suck a dick right?

They are imagining me naked, seeing every detail of my body in perfect clarity, but my boobs bigger and my stomach flatter and my pussy perfectly shaved.

They see me peck her on the cheek, or god forbid on the lips, and they get turned on by it, because of the videos and disgusting thoughts they have about lesbians.

They’re the same people who’s wives oppose gay rep on tv, because queer people are so sexualised by everyone that a gay rat wedding causes outrage, and queer film of the year is so transphobic it shouldn’t count as representation.

These men look at us and see sexual objects, and think we only exist for their pleasure.

They see us, 2 women who look young enough to be their children, maybe even grandchildren, and they picture us naked and sweating, writhing in pleasure or pain, whatever it is that they’re in the mood for at the time.

My gf ruined my life the other day, because now whenever a man gives us a look in the street, or an ex friend of mine says that my relationship is “hot”, I don’t see it as ignorance, from someone who disapproves of those different to them.

I see someone picturing me naked, and my girlfriend naked. Picturing me doing more than I’d ever do, touching what I’d never touch, and being closer to orgasm than I ever want to be.

Now I can’t kiss my girlfriend in public without first checking there’s no guys around, and even then she probably wouldn’t kiss me for fear of being yelled at or worse.