Reasons

Do you ever wonder what happens after the movie-version of American dorm life ends? After the closing credits roll with everyone singing around a bonfire, and you kind of wish you got to experience that too? Well, I took the gig — and coming back felt like a strange punishment. Life suddenly slowed to 0.5x speed, and everything at home was exactly the same as I left it. I left as a boring, tightly-wound introvert and came back with more love to give and more stories than I knew what to do with. Except no one to tell them to, because everyone here treat me like the person I was at the pause I had left my book open at. And most days I don't know how to explain what changed.

I didn’t become a butterfly, like the cliché says. I was more like a flying ant — someone who lived underground for years and suddenly got to see the sky. I got to fly and oh so close to the light for a brief, golden era of my life. I found friends so full of life that time stopped having any meaning around them.

And now that chapter is over. My wings have fallen off, we’ve all gone our separate ways, and I miss them so deeply. Here, in the other corner of the world, I sit and replay everything. I know I didn’t show how much I appreciated them when I had the chance. It’s apparently easier to say these things to strangers online (eyeroll). I left a piece of my heart with all of them, and I know I have adopted pieces of them. Those pieces are helping me grow into someone better, and I’ll eventually treat them as parts of myself.

Maybe in a few months it won’t sting as much, and life won’t feel this slow and colorless. Even without wings, I know what the light feels like now — and I’m grateful I even got to see it.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, tbh. I just feel like people don’t always realize how special their friendships are while they’re still in them. A lot of us don’t realize we’re living our golden era until it’s already a memory. I’m just glad I knew it as it was happening and savored every second of it. And I want people to know that just because someone doesn’t express gratitude to your face doesn’t mean they aren’t insanely thankful for you, praying for you, and hoping life deals you the best cards.