Thoughts from June

I want to thank everyone on here who has followed me. Liked, reblogged, or even just read my work; thank you so much! I don’t want anyone to think that I write these pieces thinking they’re all deep masterpieces. I post what I’m feeling at a given moment, and writing it out feels really good. Sometimes I put a lot of effort into a post and I’m proud, but other times they’re just scribbled thoughts. But the fact that you all appreciate them either way makes me so happy. So thank you!

baby I don't know why but I have a huge amount of things invested in you, I hardly know you. I think of this all the time. And yes I always check for you and look for you and think about you because you are someone very simply pure, and I really really need that. I need to be able to hold someone just to do it, i don't care about the fucking sexual stuff because honestly that needs to be done after a lot of trust and building. I just want to talk to you and hear your laugh and hug you and see your white teeth peek out of the side when you half laugh or half kiss or half smile because that smile has been in my mind for the past year and a half, yeah that fucking long. Can you believe that like, I don't understand why it's lasted so long. It's probably because it leaves a really good taste I don't know, either way I still flutter a tiny bit (it's faded because a lot of time has passed) whenever I think you'll be somewhere or I'll see you or you'll talk to me and I don't know it's not pathetic its just warm? is that a way to describe it? you make me feel good so I look forward to talking to you. I associate you with a lot of things that you probably aren't but I think I've invested so many different things into your being and now you're that. I'll probably not see you soon because there's honestly no reason why I would, but yet I still look forward and??? I don't know???? Feeling good in such a simple way is rare I guess so that's probably why I look forward to any contact from you because you're easy to just be with. You are a bunch of things to me I think, a lot of things I love, and I can't let it fade, maybe you'll always be a shadow representing all these things because you're the perfect form to envision them in, but it would feel great to just hug you because that would connect it all and then it would be like, yeah see. And then you'd squeeze a little towards the end of it like you do and it would feel so great, like it was always trying to get another flame out of it all, but don't worry you aren't running out, the fire is always there and it will always be there. I would love that 

"find light in the beautiful sea, I chose to be happy." I wish I knew which risks to take. I'm afraid to lose it again. It was so weak last time. I almost lost it. I felt like I was crumbling. That can't happen again. I see your light too, I'm just afraid it'll find someone more worthy again. It sounds awful, but I'm afraid to show too much of me, in fear of you seeing something you don't want. I don't deserve to think like this. I'm just terrified of the cycles that I have been living in. I look back and I see some horrible people that I wish I had known to stay away from, maybe i wouldn't think like this if it wasn't for them. I never know if something is apart of another cycle, or a singular force on it's own. I don't want to lose you. But I'm already prepared just in case I do. You are good. You are something I will really want the more and more this intensifies, but for now, I'm going to lose expectations, because the last time I completely immersed myself in something I believed to be it, it wasn't. Therefore I'm cautious, I will always be cautious. I care for you, and here I'm going to be completely and totally vulnerable for the first time in my life. Don't hurt me. And please be good.

So many things remind me of you, it's constant bouts of this empty but heavy feeling in my chest. The world cup is today! I know you'd be so excited. I would give anything to sit and watch with you. I can picture your usual demeanor on soccer days, how you'd let us know what time the game started so you wouldn't interfere with anyone else's schedule. You would talk about your favorite teams, tell me about the german team and how excited you'd be to see them play. You were so focused on the game, watching the little dots on the screen separated by team color, completely engaged and content every time. I wish you were here today. I miss your kind eyes, your positive spirit, your everlasting smile. The world cup definitely feels an empty seat. Germany won last year, and I always like to think that it was all for you, one last time.

I saw a picture of your arms and I knew it was you. It was one second. I didn't even second guess myself. Why do I still think of you. How do I always recognize you so clearly. Why the fuck do I even care 

I love feeling. I love feeling different chords strike. I love feeling heat in every form. I love how only a certain person can awaken that feeling that everyone somehow feels so familiar towards. I love how this feeling never comes easy, and never comes from who you thought it would. I love floating, I love blushing, I love gasping, I love deep, cleansing cries, I love touching someone you feel shy around accidentally, I love feeling every song I hear.  Never numb yourself to this. Never resist these natural impulses. Odds are they will fix you through salt and sweat and rushes of blood. They are so perfect and raw and human and healing. They help you realize how real you are.

you come in waves i guess. that explains last night. i see you and i do want you. theres nothing left to do. and i hate watching. especially this. i dont know what you see in her. but it doesnt drown me any less. i hate you in a strange way. consuming is not the word at all. its more like an odd desire that i wish didnt exist. but every once in a while i think back and i feel you all over again. i hate you. fuck this honestly. fuck you. because you ruined everything. i hate you for everything. i wish you had stayed in your place. you know you could have had anybody. i cant get over what you did which is such a shame because i dont want to think about you. i dont want to know you. i am so, so angry with you. you humiliated me. and i had to watch myself crumble watching you take him. why did you even start this. why did you do this to me. i think if i do ever see you again, im going to have to tell you. how you ruined it. how badly you destroyed memories that wouldn't be the source of guilty nostalgia now. how you hurt me. really hurt me, how you didnt even notice. how your apology didnt hit the mark it should have. how i shouldnt have played it off. how you get everything you want and last year i got nothing that i wanted. this is not a list of complaints. but i need to get this out or ill scream. you got your school. you got him. i got neither. not even close. ive never tried harder in my life. ive never cried harder in my life. i screamed so hard hoping everything inside me would vanish. and then i was brought to something nice. and you took it. and you'll never know how it feels to have both held back from you. especially in that moment of time. that was a hard time. and you made it harder. i am not ungrateful. anyone who thinks so doesnt know me. but i am allowed to let my anger out. and this is the only way i know how. so this is for you. like many others. probably like many more to come. i hate you for taking one from me, and so easily gaining the other. i hate you for all you are. i hate you for having what i needed so so badly. i hate that you are somewhere that i could only dream to be. i hate being embarrassed. i hate seeing you be a pathetic excuse for a companion. so much hate and i still feel the need to keep saying the word over and over and over because you killed me. in many ways. and it all added up. you are the worst person i have ever met. fuck you. fuck you for coming into my life ever so innocently and silently. fuck you for taking someone new that could have made me so happy. i think of you and feel angry. angry for all the ways you've hurt me. and you don't even know it, or slightly suspect it. i cant stop typing, but i just want to keep going. keep going until every single thought is out. because i dont want to think about you anymore, even though i probably will. i need to tell you all of this. and i will. but afterwards, i need you to stay away from me. because i never want to see you again afterwards. you are a vile, disgusting, low human being. i hate you, for everything you've done.

how to react how to address how to perform how to speak how to look at you how to understand what is happening right here right now its still in my mind i still feel like im in that air and the light is dim and i want to know what to do next

Have you ever had a dream that felt so entirely real that you remember the part where you put your chin on someones shoulder and you still feel the thread used to make their shirt bristle against your skin and you still feel your fingers pressing into their arm as your held them shoulder to shoulder and you remember saying in the dream that this person had the best laugh and you remember their laugh and you felt entirely whole with this person whose face you cannot for the life of you remember and yet that takes nothing away from it because you felt so much love and it's amazing how my brain isn't even consciously occupied by me in that moment and yet it knew exactly what to play for me because it knew exactly what I needed.

I want to thank everyone on here who has followed me. Liked, reblogged, or even just read my work; thank you so much! I don't want anyone to think that I write these pieces thinking they're all deep masterpieces. I post what I'm feeling at a given moment, and writing it out feels really good. Sometimes I put a lot of effort into a post and I'm proud, but other times they're just scribbled thoughts. But the fact that you all appreciate them either way makes me so happy. So thank you!