somewhere between my head and my heart

Black eyes, bruised hearts, and broken bones are all consequences of loves. The things we pick up, and the things we leave behind define who we are some times. It’s a not so old journey, but too far-gone to make anything of it anymore. Grasping onto threads of hope, anything that might make a glance mean more than nothing. An experience from one person to another, and a memory that has been recovered from an old lover to a new face, we hold many pasts and many futures. 

What was once, can always become again. 

Maybe only the faces change, or the names, but it is indeterminate how many times this will go on.

“Memories are the key not to the past, but to the future.”

-Corrie Ten Boom

Your eyes convey many things. What you dispatch are the things I long to find, what you willfully conceal are the things that pierce my heart. Relinquished from your eyes, a tenderness I can no longer feel, and so desperately need. Why does it not exist forever? Don’t worry. I’ll be back. I’m coming back, and I’m coming back angry. The passion fuels my desire for betterment. It will fuel everything I need to power forward. Perhaps a shroud of darkness is required of me to accomplish this task. This is a task with no force, just determination. The evolution of me will not be documented. I will simply be reborn, and the gestation period will be six weeks. With one week down, I only have so much time to make this happen.

“The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.”

-St. Jerome

We’re all a work in progress. My love my not be perfect, but here I am, on my journey to explore the inner confines of my heart and mind. I know three things about my love- it’s universal, and it’s strong. It’s also jealous. If we’re being completely honest with each other, I like to know that my love is the best. But, I’m inclined to believe that the further I want to spread my love, and the stronger I choose to love, that can’t be a bad thing, can it? Perhaps this is why I need this feeling again. I need to know I had what it takes. I am sustainable, and I am powerful. 

I want to know you were a commotion because of me. 

“Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god.” -Aristotle

I’m pretty sure there is a beast inside of all of us. I find mine in the darkest times or the times I have to be at my most courageous. Sometimes, he’s as small and adorable as a fluffy puppy, and sometimes he’s as fierce and intimidating as wolf protecting his pack. 

Life at night has inspired many new and welcomed thoughts and ideologies. You see a different side of people, a new sect of humanity, during these unconventional hours. The crazy that arises with the awakening dawn at 4 AM, and what dies away with the fire of the noon-high sun. Everyone sources their alter egos, and you meet dozens of different personalities within the same team of people, ten times over. 

So much has changed over the last few months. I feel like someone is trying to crack my head open like a walnut. Physically and emotionally drained, I’m wondering if having almost everything I ever could have wanted is worth the cost. The cost seems high. It’s temporary. But, then again, everything is. Then, with the monumental loss of coherency, and when your thoughts run wild, you begin to think of things you shouldn’t. 

“She is the anatomy of the very thing she loves. The very thing she is connected to. Her spirit is wild like the animals that traverse the lands, far and wide, flying through the sky. Free and independent is her soul.” 

Whoever it was that put this whole thing together really had a sense of humor. This design, this chronology of the things that fall in and out of place so wonderfully painful, could not have been orchestrated any better. I still believe I’m better out of trouble than in it. But, damn. I think I’m in a different kind of trouble some times.

You think I don’t know, but I do. You may think I won’t be there, but I will. You believe in chances, as do I. The connection may be weaker, but it’s stronger. Your eyes can see, but only your soul can feel. Understanding is fundamental, and so are actions. Releasing is key, as is absorbency. Love is relative, but binding.

The key in formula for almost anything is patience, understanding, and tolerance. Know what you can and cannot handle. Don’t falsify yourself to create an illusion of being better. Just be more.

I want to start off with a brief collective thought I had yesterday…

“And, when you’re sitting, reminiscing, around the camp fire, when you speak of your past will you mention me? Would you feel inclined to change my name? When you describe me, will you change my face? If anyone asks, would you even speak of me at all?”

We can change our stories and divulge only certain things to people who wish to ascertain who we are.

In a room full of liars, would you tell the truth, even if you were the only one?

“For every good reason there is to lie, there is a better reason to tell the truth.” -Bo Bennett

The waters are becoming slightly more treacherous these days. I feel caught, emotionally, in a myriad of gyres. From one end of the pond to the other, I’ve become exhausted from simply trying to keep my head above water. It’s really not that awful. It’s just taxing. I’m, more or less, feeling like I’m transitioning back to some version of myself.

“A smooth sea never made a skillful sailor.”

I keep getting better everyday. I’m enjoying the journey, in spite of the darker days I’ve just left behind. It’s entertaining to see things when the skies get just a little bluer. I’m feeling a little less of peoples’ traumas around me, which is a nice break. I’m not sure if it’s because of the new job, or a new perspective, or a new hope. It’s just nice to hear my own thoughts… Kind of.

I need to read something.

----> let’s visit something else...

I wonder how certain people feel when they’re in a relationship. I haven’t ever really been in a real relationship. It’s foreign, and interesting. Sometimes I’m excited about it, and sometimes I still feel single. Not single in the sense that I would go and try to have some fling with someone else, or whatever people do. I feel more empowered and solitary- a very independent, and powerful creature. I’m just ready to run wild and free. Being on the road will lead to some amazing adventures. I can’t wait for our first tour.

I’m so lucky to feel so much, even the pain and the doubt, because everything comes full circle. And there are certain things I can’t wait to come back and touch me.

“The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” -Alan Watts

It’s funny, feeling her eyes on me. I enjoy being watched. I wonder, sometimes, how many eyes I draw towards me, and who they are, and what they’re feeling. Sometimes I know how they feel, but not always. There’s just one pair of eyes I need, and they’re not looking at anyone right now. In fact, I hope they’re not because they need to search inward before the external can be fully appreciated.

Hah, I wonder if I just had a revelation for her. Maybe it’s never enough on the outside, because the mountains inside of her haven’t been traversed completely yet. I hope she has the courage to scale those paths so she can unearth every atom of her that is waiting to explode out like a neutron star collision. 

If it’s not me, someone needs to appreciate her for who she is, and what she has to offer.

It’s a waiting game; seeing someone for who they really are before they even recognize it within themselves. But, she’ll get there, and that will be a more beautiful day she could have ever imagined, or had taken in at the end of any excursion. Yes. That will be a great day, and a great gift to the world.  

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.”

I’m involving myself in a dicey experiment. Possibly intolerable on certain levels, because not only am I pushing my own limits, but I can also completely compromise myself by doing so…

“With a hallow embrace

Let’s go back to your place

Uncover a lover

You cannot replace

When I shut my eyes

I’ve got another

Dream Lover

Somewhere in the dark

I’ve got another

Dream Lover”

I’ve become so great at camouflaging my eyes it’s insane. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror sometimes. It’s funny when I think about it, because I always get some level of heckling because I “look” at myself too much. Oh, if anyone knew why this was so important… Haha. Trust me when I tell you it’s not ego.

Fake it until you make it. Can we feign joy? I think it’s scary when we can do it to the point that convinces others. I think one person is fooling me, while I’m fooling another, who is fooling someone else too. Although, she thinks I don’t know.

Fooling people in love is dangerous. It has a detrimental application that could come back and tear us down. I could love so many people, and that’s not a lie. There is one person standing right in front of me asking for my love. My heart is so broken from the things I want and can’t have. My first love, my second love, my third love, and my fourth love are so far out of reach that, perhaps, five is the number I’m supposed to land on, but I’m so jaded and unwilling to step forward. Nothing feels safe right now.

“Excellence, then, is a state concerned with choice, lying in a mean, relative to us, this being determined by reason and in the way in which the man of practical wisdom would determine it.”

-Aristotle

Kick starting something that just doesn’t want to catch fire is not really working out for me. If I knew any better, or had any more self-control, this would have been over before it had a chance to start. All I need to do is walk away. Damn my words, and my thoughts. I still have a complex that requires a desire to explain. I’m still trying to understand, not be understood. People can’t understand anything beyond the scope of their awareness. That’s why we shouldn’t seek to be understood. It’s always a disappointing thing when people don’t understand you. And, let’s be real, how often do you tell the truth? I’m not any better worse than you, but I don’t lie. I’m bound and chained to be honest and truthful. I used to lie. A lot. I got the things I wanted.

They were fleeting and passionate and enjoyable, but then they were gone, like a whisper through a mountain carried on a breeze that nobody ever felt.

I hate that she won’t even sit with me anymore. Talk about the biggest lie. It makes me wonder why it’s important to connect with anybody. And, the lie is about the connection. Is it being ignored? Did it ever exist? Maybe it just doesn’t have anything to do with me.

The Band-Aid.

Now I understand more about the pain he felt when he would swear to me that he would never help anybody again. Once they’re done with you, you feel like a crumbled piece of garbage on the ground. When you just exhaust whatever it is you have inside of you to help everyone else, and you’re stuck because you can’t take your own damn advice. Eventually, I’ll start hurting people. Not on purpose, but the premature extraction of my energy creates a hole in time. (This true of most people). If I leave before my work or purpose is done, it’s almost as bad as abandoning a lost child.

“Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them.” -Dalai Lama

I had a nightmare last night that the girl that’s falling in love with me left me for one of my best friends that she doesn’t even know. What the fuck is my subconscious doing to me? How can I be afraid of someone leaving me that I’m not even trying to be with? Why does my mind always race to the bottom? Am I just THAT used to being alone?

And then, I find out my ex is completely losing herself in a spiral of misery. I couldn’t help her, even if I wanted to. What am I being surround with right now that I can’t handle? I don’t think my heart has been this conflicted in a very long time. I know I’ll be able to swim through it, and get out of it. I just don’t want to leave anybody behind.

Sometimes, we have no choice but to move on.

My heart hurts so fucking bad. What the hell happened to the light inside of me? I know it’s still in there. Maybe somebody covered the bat signal with a blanket…

I’m still looking for my god. Even the one that follows has been away...

“Life is hard.

Life will not break me.

I think what surprised me the most was the simple fact that my words moved her. She sought out my thoughts and ideas. She came into my life with this air and certainty that I had something to offer her and she knew that I possessed something that she wanted; something she had been deprived of or sorely missing.

 I don’t know what the worst part is. Is it that she taught me that I could love and feel something for someone else; the intensity of that fire- that electrical charge that comes at a single touch? Or was it that I was in so much need of human contact that I believed more than what was placed on the table?

“We looked at each other a little too long to be ‘just friends.’”

Do you ever feel like you’re in a different place? Maybe you feel like you’re trapped in a distant time somewhere in perpetual space- still together, and still falling apart. I’m only just beginning to discover just how frail everything is. How have I been able to displease so few (somehow too many) people in such a short period of time?

Everybody wants everyone else. Is this true? Maybe we just want the things we’re conditioned to believe we can’t have? Maybe it’s too hard to conceptualize that it is truly that easy to follow your heart and do what makes you happy…

Who knows who I am these days, or what I want, or what I believe.

After all of that intensity for weeks, it began to fall away. Just as organically as it began, it faded away. Don’t get me wrong, that’s okay, of course! I guess you just never really know how much of a staple you can be someone’s life until they learn how to stack their own papers. <— Insert poor writer’s joke here.

Everywhere I look I see what I wanted, and what I desired. So many conversations I wanted to have with her mind, and her heart, and her soul. There was so much I was only just starting to discover. Not ideal, or practical, but I still hoped for it. I still do. Maybe that’s why my heart is still guarded. I’m always idling, somehow in some way, for the things I know will hurt me the most. 

Comprehensive choices.

This is such a tangent of ideas that have no synchronicity to them. Maybe that’s what my life needs to be now. I’m just worried about hurting people. Intangible fears. Not that fears are ever truly valid. Well, maybe some are… arachnophobia … that’s a big one. No thanks.

Hooray! Stream of consciousness! More like “Runaway Train.” “Presently, the future is in the middle of a love-triangle,” shit…

There is a girl- a new girl. She’s fantastic in her on way. I enjoy her company and her passion to learn. She’s got her own battles to fight, and I’m here to make it easier for her. She’s definitely connected to me, which is great. I had begged and pleaded with the powers that be for a girl like her. She adores me, and here I sit not knowing what to do. The fire that’s come alive within her doesn’t burn for me the same way. I care about her the way you care about a lost child. She will grow and become better, and I will allow her to go out and meet the world. It’s a beautiful journey. 

Part of me wants to be with her, to be only hers and her to be only mine, but that won’t happen. It would be for all the wrong reasons. I’m hiding with her, and I really need to not. Work will help with this. Aside from all the painful conversations we’ve had, and the tears that were spilt. Hopefully, she won’t cry over me anymore. 

And, once again, I am reminded of my purpose. 

I am here to hold your hand, and when you’ve established the strength within yourself, you will carry your head high, and spread the light inside.

I am going to be so tired. I am going to be so excited. I am going. I am just going to go and gain some culture, life and experience. I am already exhausted, but this will be so amazingly worth it. I still have a hard time believing that this part of my path. I didn’t think I would possibly have such an opportunity to embark on an adventure like this. I feel a little like Santiago, in search of treasure, knowledge, and a life. I’m looking for something more, something greater.

In five or twelve days, my life will change to being on the road, in the air, out of a suitcase. Oh, the places I will go, and the faces I will know.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

-Lao Tzu

I accidentally cracked the clock.

ALICE: “How long is forever?” WHITE RABBIT: “Sometimes, just one second.”

Traveling through the timeline was a mistake. There isn’t a way to manipulate the past. You can’t find answers there.

This was the peak I was looking for. The height that I wanted to reach…

My actions can’t change the future either. It’s such a disservice to anyone, and everyone. Your path is your path, as my path is my own. I can’t tell you or teach you anything you don’t already know. I can only remind you of who you are by my own actions. I need to continue to have the courage to show you who I really am so you can remember who you really are. I live inside of you and you live inside of me. Your fears are you own, your triumphs, your joys, and your sadness are your own too. I can feel it all. Maybe you don’t know how to handle one piece or the other, but that is why I am here. I offer the love that fills my heart, and the actions I know to be noble and true to remind you that you are just as strong and capable.

-I’m a reader. Not an avid reader, but I crave to learn, so by proxy, I crave to read. Words are incredible. They bring to life the amazing dichotomy of life. The things that live inside of us are transcribed on paper so we can remember. A lot of learning seems to be recollection. Remembering all the things that we have forgotten from our childhood, when no one dared to tell us our imaginations were ever too insane, when we were able to do or BE whatever we wanted, when we wanted. -I’m a goofball. Carefree, wild, and artistic. I don’t care much for the opinions of others. I hold myself to a different standard, not because I’m better or worse, but because I just don’t care. The cage of social conventions don’t constrain me, and never will. Your troubles are your own, and I will not let that pollute my soul. You shouldn’t allow people to stifle your creative journey. Spread love and joy, not envy and prejudice. It’s a practice, and the more we believe, the truer it becomes. -I’m a nurturer. If there is a dry plant, I will water it. If my friend is crying, I will console them. Like I said, I will remind you of the strength you have inside, awaken the knowledge that already exists in your mind, and break the lies that have been programmed into your spirit. I won’t fix your problems, but I will hold your hand for a while, and show you the door so that you may walk through it. Some may call me inclined and interested to help, or intuitive. Truth is that I’m an empath. -I am an empath. I can feel everything. By choice, and with permission. If you want to be connected to me, we will be connected. It requires one or more levels of intimacy, but once that line is laid, it’s difficult to detach. Ripping the chord out is painful. I’ve mentioned that before. The reason why it hurts is because most people don’t leave with love and peace. They will usually leave in fear, concern, misunderstanding, or hurt.

It’s a gift and a curse to have this ability. I would be the perfect partner (at whatever capacity) in a lot of ways. But, friends, family, and lovers can hurt me a lot easier too. It takes a lot of trust from my end to let you in. Only a select few are inside this space. Some of the connections were on purpose, and a couple of attachments were on accident when I was in more of an infant stage of this progressive evolution. But, either way, it exists in my circle for whatever purpose, and whatever time.

I am who I am. I fall hard, and I love strong. When I fall, getting back up is not without challenge, but I try to learn from challenge and change. Always. From my heart to yours, a bounty of love, caring, and hope will come.

It doesn’t matter to me the moments between us that you save. I don’t take it personally. Well, I try not to. There are moments between us that are transcendental, and I’m sure we will have more, but those moments are gone; behind us now. I can’t bring them back to life. I can’t even look forward, because who knows what will happen? I can’t predict the future. If I invested all my energy into tapping the line of time, I would be forever exhausted because energy shifts and changes all the time.

Do you ever feel like you just want to play dead? ...

“Teach me to feel another's woe, to hide the fault I see, that mercy I to others show, that mercy show to me.” 

-Alexander Pope

As easy as it is for me to see people, some times I forget that I can be transparent too. When someone is staring you right in the eyes and asking you why you’re afraid, you can easily realize you’ve been afraid this entire time, and hiding. Have I truly been hiding? Maybe, in a small way, I have been partially tucked away. I mean, I have a good reason for it. I think we all possess several more than fair reasons to hide away.

It’s nothing I can’t fix. No bridges have been burned and reparations can be made. I’m just not entirely sure of what’s all been damaged. This world of mine is chaotic and cold. Have I absorbed some of that darkness that was there and festering over the last decade? How much longer can I keep thinking that that’s the problem?

“And if you stay a while, I’ll penetrate your soul, I’ll bleed into your dreams, you’ll want to lose control. I’ll weep into your eyes, I’ll make your visions sing, I’ll open endless skies, and ride your broken wings. Welcome to my world.”

-Martin Gore

Is it always supposed to cost us so much to want the things we want? Why should I feel bad about where my heart is? I’m not willfully keeping myself from anyone. In fact, I think I’ve given more than a fair share to some. There are things I want. I want more experience. I want more culture. I don’t want to lose this capacity to want, not because I’m dissatisfied, but because I’m curious. I want people. I want their minds. I want to lick their hearts, and touch their souls and leave them more. People deserve to know their worth. They must value themselves higher. If I can use my words, or my actions to show them this, I will. 

I just don’t know what actions I need to have for one person, but I’m doing my best to figure it out.

“Do what you can, where you are, with what you have.”

I think we all have a propensity to be reckless in our actions, and our affections. The questions is, how far are we willing to go?

“I’ve been reckless, but I’m not a rebel without a cause.”

-Angelina Jolie

Is there purpose behind some of the things we do? I think every action has a purpose. I try to keep my intentions as noble as possible. Being wild and reckless is fun, as long as it doesn’t cost anything. But, I guess it all costs something, doesn’t it? We always have the best intentions. We don’t want to hurt anybody. We are all only truly, and unequivocally, responsible for our own emotions and reactions. We cannot control what others will feel or how they will react. People may say to you, “You hurt me,” or “How dare you do this to me?” In reality, in spite of our actions, they have lived their lives, to a point, with expectation. Yes, I know, there are certain things to adhere to with general conventions, but at the same time, how can you live under those “house rules” when you’re never truly done discovering who you are, and what you want?

The point is that we’re all on a journey of self-discovery. Even the people that afford themselves the pain just to walk next to us for an era while we figure things out will learn something about themselves. People come and go at the drop of a hat. Some of these people are our friends, some are lovers, some are teachers, and some are just lessons. It all boils down to the practice of loving unconditionally. At least, that’s how I try to live these days.

Expectations are a dangerous thing.

“Some of the best things come out of recklessness. Unexpected things. How else are you supposed to figure out what is truly good or bad for you?”

-Amanda Torroni

Man, I just found that quote and I’m absolutely in love with it. We dare to dream, and we dare to fall in love. A lot of the things we aspire to, and the things we yearn for are reckless. The root or anything truly dangerous is giving in to your heart’s desires, but, what a remarkable adventure inward, to learn about yourself from the flight and the fall. Even the small indulgences teach us something on a daily basis. Is it a statement that just allows us to behave badly? We’re all accountable for or own actions. We pay the consequences when we make poor choices, or just unconventional choices. We willfully give our hearts up to anyone that will take it and run. That’s scary and reckless, but we do it anyway. In a world where everything is run by cold technology, and the absence of human awareness is so prominent, why wouldn’t we be so bold?

“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose it’s meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better to take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.”

-Carl Jung

Profound, in its own special way; I’ve found myself in a shallow pit of darkness lately. It’s strange sitting here, and watching everything happen around me. I don’t allow it to touch me, but it does take something away from me. The eyes that still shine brightly have intensity behind them now. It will waft away at some point, like a breeze through the leaves of a tree subtle and calm. Until then, however, I don’t know what will happen under this shell. A cold war.

“We have a choice about how we take what happens to us in our life and whether or not we allow it to turn us. We can become consumed by hate and darkness, or we're able to regain our humanity somehow, or come to terms with things and learn something about ourselves.” -Angelina Jolie

I think it is paramount, almost fundamental, to sit in the darkness for a bit. Just sit there for a little while, because you don’t want to be consumed by it. I never really think about people that would miss me if I shrewdly tucked myself into a corner with my little black cloud for a day or two. My better friends understand the meaning of this absence, while my other friends, less aware, will throw stones to capture my attention. The only problem with casting those stones is that you draw my stare, and when my eyes don’t have any light in them, you won’t get the best version of me.

I only have an appreciation for this because I know what it means to be the person casting the stones. I was little worse for where and didn’t know the difference between being the problem, and being the solution. Guess what? I wasn’t the solution any more than I was the problem. It had nothing to do with me!

People are so inclined to take offense, or take things personally. Everything has to be about something relevant and obvious. There is no obscurity in emotions anymore. We create any thing we want, and then manifest it into existence. 

No wonder people don’t believe in magic anymore…

We all go through things. We have our emotions, and we shouldn’t allow others to dictate them, but we also shouldn’t self-indulge or enable ourselves to be the victim either. There is a difference between being accountable, taking some time to recover, and being willfully ignorant, and consistently looking for false praise.

Feelings are very real. Going after something you want is also very real. The things that aren’t real are the motives behind all these things. If you have to ask yourself, “Does this feel right?” your intentions, likely, are not pure. I’ve carried a cross around for years, and I’ve hurt people with the weight that it brought. I’ve recently abdicated this unnecessary burden, and no longer feel responsible for anyone else’s emotions other than my own. That’s not supposed to sound incredibly callous. In fact, I have a natural gift of understanding, and care to nurture when I can. I try not to do it too much, but generally, if my friends/family need me, I’m there.

This is turning into a terribly random stream of consciousness… I haven’t done this a while…

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.”

-Desmond Tutu

That may be my one greatest attribute, or my greatest weakness; hope. It’s the strongest, and possibly most dangerous, drug there is. Every minute of every hour of every day, we all hope for something. We hope for prosperity, health, happiness, and love. We hope for others to heal faster, we hope for loved ones to return home safely, we hope for a safe trip halfway across the world, or even just down the street. It’s picking yourself up after all the hope you may have very strongly placed into something lets you down, and knocks the wind out of you.

Notice how I said “something,” and not “someone”? 

You can’t hope on someone. You can’t control people, and betting on them means you have some level of expectation. You can easily reduce more than half of your life’s disappointment if you stop having expectations of others NOW. It isn’t because they’re bad people, but you may never know when something is going to change the game. Energy shifts and changes all the time. Think about water; there are no two drops that are the same. Energy is dynamic and wonderfully chaotic, ever changing, and giving us opportunity after opportunity to make different choices. Humans will always continue to make choices based on their circumstances, and more often than not, they will be selfish, because they have to be.

“If someone decides they're not going to be happy, it's not your problem. You don't have to spend your time and energy trying to cheer up someone who has already decided to stay in a bad mood. Believe it or not, you can actually hurt people by playing into their self-pity.” -Joyce Meyer

I feel like I should have placed that quote earlier… but, whatever! It still works.