thought detox

we often pride ourselves on being good lovers, and we sometimes claim to know exactly what we want in a lover, but rarely do we discuss the lesson in learning how to receive love. we put so much effort into the energy that we hope to give off, and the energy that we hope to attract, that we forget how necessary it is to know what to do with said energy when it arrives. 

it starts with recognizing the humanity in love. 

while it is a construct, and it is intangible, love is something we tend to cling to and something that in turn causes us to cling to others. the love that we deserve isn’t possessive, it isn’t parasitic, and it isn’t perfect. the person offering love to us is just that: a person. and like us, they make mistakes, they underestimate, they overestimate, they have highs, they have lows, and they just may be learning how to receive love also. 

I stopped trying to battle my depression and suicidal ideation on my own. I let my friends know how bad it had gotten.

I quit a job that I hated, that was draining me, and that made me feel small.

I decided that I need intensive care and time to heal from my prior stressors and episodic symptoms. 

I took a leap of faith. I recognize that all of this time I have been living my life with everyone but myself at the forefront, and I finally decided to stop. 

on those days when positivity hides from you

when you're in the depths of yourself and emerging into the external seems impossible

I wish you my sight. 

because when I look 

I see everything you may not be able to

my love is volcanic:

alluring in its danger. exotic in its intensity. 

beautifully fear invoking. accessible when inactive. 

You will be uprooted

lifted 

from your depths

and sunken into your darkness

waves will wash over you

I’m hoping to shift into a sense anonymity just because I need to right now. I recently had one of my worst depressive episodes of my life and I am working to heal. The most common side-effect of depression is a preoccupation with negative thoughts, and I feel like this blog can be an active way to put my thoughts out into the universe - the good and the bad. Not all of them, but the thoughts that are a little too stifling, or even too great, to keep locked inside my journal, sometimes never to even be revisited again.

This is simply a place to release.