You're under arrest

Just want to be eminently clear, I'm not trying to start an argument. I'm genuinely proposing an analogy u to help people understand this.

I see this said a lot, and while I agree, it's very true and is an effective line to draw to define the difference between TME and TMA, I think the main important difference between the groups to understand is that only trans women are systemically bound by transmisogyny, and only trans women can face it at the hands of family members and other members of our communities who know that we are trans women, rather than just random strangers taking a guess and shouting a slur about it

a TME is not going to be told "you will never be a woman" by their own mother, who obviously knows they are not a trans woman, as just one of many examples. transmisogyny from those in your life close enough to know, and not just guess, that you are a trans woman, makes up the lion's share of the interpersonal transmisogyny we actually face, if you ask me. most abuse in general, after all, is at the hands of people with actual proximity to the victim, not random strangers

I swear, so many forms of oppression are erroneously posited to mainly come from random street harassers, instead of systemic forces and the people in proximity to you

if you've ever been presumed dangerous on the basis of you being a trans woman, that was one of the many forms transmisogyny takes. it's non-transfems who can wield transmisogyny against you most effectively, because they themselves are not vulnerable to it the way you are--aka, they are "TransMisogyny Exempt," or TME, and you are "TransMisogyny Affected," or TMA

the hard part is opening up, relaxing, being tender and letting tenderness come to you

the hard part is noting the ways that the rhetoric that binds you finds its way even into the beliefs of those close to you, and knowing that there is a wall between you that means you will always be a loaded gun to them

the hard part is noticing how these walls don't exist between yourself and other trans women, because the footing is equal. it's wondering whether this ease of trust and closeness with other trans women is how it feels all the time for other people. it's wondering what it's like on the other side, where you don't only ever feel truly safe among people from 0.5% of the world population

the distinction, though, is that the trans women I have been treated poorly by have been deeply, obsessively concerned with their capacity to harm, to a degree that is not healthy

they have been women who were taught they were dangerous, and who don't know how to hold someone gently without feeling like they are digging their claws through their loved one's skin

they have been women who apologize routinely, for everything, because everything they ever do feels like an act of violence to them

this kind of obsession with your own capacity to harm does not let you see your loved ones clearly. it does not let you develop healthy relationships. it can drive you to break your loved ones' hearts as you push them away so that you can't hurt them anymore. it's an obsession that obscures the truth of the love you receive, that isolates, that kills

I observe degrees of this in myself and in virtually every trans woman I meet, and I've developed the phrase "you apologize for the sun shining" to respond to women who apologize for wanting to exist around me, for wanting to be known, for wanting to be seen and heard and loved and understood and treated like humans

and yet far far too many TMEs seem to think we are naive to the challenges of womanhood, that we are taken aback by them and regret opening ourselves up to them. the trans women I know embrace womanhood fully, difficulties and all. transfeminism is a movement of women planting our flags within womanhood and fighting misogyny. we are not keeping one foot in some exit door in case the going gets too tough. we are taking an active role in combatting the forces that oppress us as women

@orbis3 on vmo

thank you all for loving her with me. hug your animals a little tighter for me, and if you feel like it, leave a glass of water out for nora as she goes.

i could still use the help if anyone can spare. thank you all for making me -- & nora -- feel loved.