I want to see movies of my dreams

inside the roots of the trees

Where are the others with with dirt in their mouth?

Disturbed

swimming with the worms

Eyes inside the world

I drive off into the sunset but by the end of the road the sky is dark.

The only time I feel held is in the vibration and sound.

with the ghosts I created

Inventing comfort to haunt me

I always act the same.

I bother you and you don't mind

But you don't follow or chase.

Interaction like blowing wind

A leaf grazes a tree

Dust on a table

Seeing with closed eyes.

Today you asked me to follow you

A mineral water pool

Something you never do

Hot popping bubbles at my feet

Gathering people I meet

I get stuck in another mind.

This happens all the time

Your face is dry.

Your sneaky rat laugh.

And the night before.

There's a place it seems I go, and more than once

And my relationships grow in my sleep

A friend I don't know is friendly

A friendship I don't have decays

I see you often

And you know me

When I wake up I forget you in a haze

There's a place you belong

And you can never go

Unless you don't try

This familiar elevator

This casino, this dining room

Just as familiar as the floor of my grandma's house

I work here, we gather here

You tell me hi,

and you are here to meet a friend

You tell me you are so happy to see me

You planned your vacation around where I live

My mother's endless house

Infinite beds to choose from

Endless comfort and no privacy

The bathroom never fits right

And it feels so real

I feel like I can call you and tell you about it all

I feel you might respond to my comments if I tried

But you are out there living your life

And I have mine

I only met you once

And the way you looked at me,

Intense, but I felt your fear

I wanted to say hi, I liked what you do

Maybe that moment left a part of you in my brain

I wonder if I am in your brain too

But you can't know me,

I only know you

You lived in a tree house

Guarded by 8 large dogs

I climbed a ladder

We were best friends.

In my dream, you know me

In my dream, I know you

And you don't know my name

the kids doing wheelies outside my window

are much more free than me

the air is clean and the grass is so green

the trees sparkle, so serene

fresh smell of gasoline,

weed and cigarettes

clash in my head in between

everything is in front of my hands

but my head is so far away

the cold air splashes my face awake

Strangers sleeping in your house when you are gone

accepted when you are acting righteous

you accept them on a level of righteousness

i saw an outline that reminded me of her

my stomach burned out of my body

my face melted into my hands

i hold a puddle of wax

i aged a thousand years

my soul evaporated and disappeared

dry mouth, dry throat,

i choked on the bitter pill

i tasted crushed stardust

i sat back and became

blood in my head again

steel instead of bones

a cage outside my heart

I think there's something about feeling your tears deeply and being there for yourself.

Anywhere you are, you are never alone.

The reminder in the mirror

"i love you forever"

Carries a counter weight of knowing its conditions.

"be someone who is lovable by me and I'll love you forever"

Is precise.

There are so many moments where it is only me. I'm really the only one here.

I have to live with myself.

There is a sludge that is always on my soul. I have always tried to wrench it away or burn it off. When I notice it, it writhes. It sticks to my chest like a child. It is sticky like tar. The color of coca cola.

It is my least favorite part of me.

I don't think I can ever be freed of it, and I don't think anyone will ever see it.

I would be a fool to believe I am the only one afflicted with poison.

There is so much I know that nobody knows.

Nor do I know.

The midnight warmth of my room.

2000 years from now, how will people light their room?

2000 years ago I might have been writing by the light of an oil lamp.

My lamp is made of stars. The essence of energy. A wild nature is harnessed. A colleague played a clue in a board game last Monday about light. I guessed it correctly. It hurts my head. My eyes always burn.

And it's just me.

I hear the music and sounds in my head.

In my teeth.

Deep in my soul I wish you didn't know me as much as you do. The only one I care for in this world and you can hurt me without trying.

I'm hungry and thirsty for life force

I search if there is a place to escape.

It's too late.

I lie in a pile of clutter as my eyes burn into my skull

I am a part of this

My neighborhood screams

A privacy tree

A rose bush or three

Someone was here yesterday and gone today

The plants will consume and take the empty space

She has already eaten two flies and died two times

I didn't see it happen but I saw the aftermath

he died one time.

The trumpets swell to a climax

The music mixes sickly

The guitars step down and down into a pluck

Stacatto

Riding the wave up and down

I hear the birds inside

They are talking to me. But every time I hear them it is always different

But for now

rise up outside of the wreckage

you can never stand in the same river twice

i stayed as the same person, as everyone did, but the events played out differently every time

sometimes it would be a long run and sometimes short, but alwas ending without me knowing why

eventually i caught on that certain things i did caused the timeline to end. there were alot of people around me all the time and i had to deduce who it was that was deciding to end the timeline. something about all this gave me a clue that it was a person and not some forcec of nature.

over time through all the timelines i found someone to trust. someone who was also experiencing the things the same way as me.

we were meeting up with a third person to try to conspire to have the timelines stop ending. he had a real turtle like look about him.

he drove to the apartment me and the other person were going to meet him at. it was a 4 apartment building similar to one my grandma managed in my hometown. all on the ground and inside a small forest clearing. i saw him taking a long drive on a straight and dusty road to get here.

while waiting for him to arrive i started to panic. what if we cant trust this guy? what if this guy is the person behind it all? i ask the other person in the room. she assures me it is fine and we can trust him. i am suspicious of her trustworthyness. i search the room for a weapon of some kind. i groan loudly in anguish of not preparing a weapon before hand. i aam sitting on the floor in front of the front door thinking he won't know i'm there, but i didnt realize the door is a metal frame with glass inside. he can see me sitting on the ground with my back to the door. im sure this looks suspicious to him.

he parks his car in front of the doorway. it is an older car that is probably from the 90's. its dirty like nobody has washed it in a year. maybe the dust is from the dust road just now.

he calmly closes his car door and jingles his keys into his pocket. he calmly strides to the front door and you can hear the keys jingle as he walks. a familiar and comforting sound to me.

i stand up in preparation to open the door for him and to act normal as if i wasn't just considering the possibility of blowing his brains out. I turn around and reach for the door handle.

I wake up.

I'm in my bed. my mom is calling me and the sight of that makes my head hurt. I'm sweating because I left the heating pad on. I look at the clock. I slept for 2 hours.

I don't answer the call right away because I am still on a call with my long distance boyfriend who is also sleeping. It's 1 AM for him, and 6PM for me. I feel so shit in this moment, and I need to hype myself up to talk to my mom before she gets too busy to answer my call back.

I eat 2 fruit roll ups as I sit up in my bed. one of them was resting on my laptop and this one is warm and almost too sticky to eat. it sticks to my hands. the tongue tattoos make my fingers blue. I wish I was still young enough to care about the tongue tattoos. Just not old enough to stop eating fruit roll ups entirely and give them up for some natural type of fruit strip that has been pressed into some type of pasty conglomerate abomination. the mouth feel is all wrong. it is almost as if your tongue is touching pavement.

There is a smooth nature to the manmade. I want to lick it all.

I specifically consider the fruit strip I found while on vacation in Vail, Colorado, with my mom as a teenager. I have always been searching for the pleasant mouth feel all my life. We found it at a safeway. That was my first time knowing what a Safeway is. It surely does not sound like a grocery store. it sounds more like a place you go to when you're in an abusive relationship with someone.

maybe i wasnt so far off with that idea.

that was the trip i realized that i don't really like pad thai. it's unfortunate. i wish i did.

i almost died in the ski lift.

Writing a song with Lana del rey in my kitchen and I'm shy

I sing with her timidly out of tune

We didn't finish the song. I wasn't very collaborative. Ket her do what she wanted to write and I just went with it

She leaves to go to a lake house to go fishing while Im looking for the right shoes to wear to impress her and look nice

I stare out the window to see where she goes or if I can watch her leave but I can't see anything. The window is in a bad position and I can't see anything. She must have parked down the street

My ccousin in law (I guess that's what he is?) walks to me and tells me I can't be her toilet attendant every moment. That people are going to notice that I'm waiting on their every need. I claim thats not what I'm doing.

The next thing I know, I am in a dungeon of bathroom toilets. It's dark wet and the walls are made of stone. There are also fixtures around for people to shower. It's very dirty. I'm scrubbing the floor with a scrubbing brush that is on a hand held stick handle.

I spray soap on the ground to help me scrub but the soap immediately mixes with the mess on the ground and partially melts it away where I sprayed it. The soap is blue and the outer ring of the liquid turned green. And started sliding as if on a slope. The floor is dry with dried mess so I turn a knob on the wall for the shower to run. The water makes the soap area grow into a larger green liquid puddle. I scrub it into the surrounding areas of the decrepit and disgustingly caked concrete floor to start cleaning it.

Someone starts to watch me clean somehow. I feel like Cinderella. They tell me I'm scrubbing things wrong. I ignore them and keep scrubbing. They tell me I am not believing there is a barrier between me and the gross area so the border is disappearing. I told them it's not the case. 5heu keep talking to me about this and a stone wall raises between me and the shower area. Im by the back wall and this creates a small hallway in the back for me. I still disbelieve this is a matter of my thinking about it and I refuse to accept what he says. The blocks start to recede back into the ground. The blocks were coming up In square sections according to the large slabs on the floor.

Something his a critical point and I dropped my cleaning stick and engaged in martial arts with some person around the upper ledge of the room. Even I saw myself as a drawn cartoon that was sketched out and I thought about who animated me. I didn't really know but I liked it. We ended the fight in a draw. Neither of us really won but we accepted that. I don't really know why we were fighting or who this person was.

-----

Going to the beach in Sweden

The waves were huge

There were many cars all around the ocean

The waves flung cars flying and rotating at me in the air

There were cars flying at me from all angles on the beach.

I felt very unsafe and asked to leave

I didn't see what they saw

I tthink my brain is full of many metal tubes

I wonder what it sounds like when they feel your touch

I imagine they make a sound from every ridge of your fingerprint

But makes a sound like a fairy blowing air across the top of a glass bottle

And when you smash it with a hammer

My head rings out as a hollow bell

Metal and warm

Familiar, fades into the comfort of the southern twang of reversed southern guitar

"oh yeah I, got a heart of darkness"

The machines smash their head into the ground now

They are made for digging but they will break up the ground now

Smash smash smash smash smash smash

It's always amber around here.

Got to keep my eyes open lest we run into a metal wreckage

Going so fast, i want to arrive

Any small thing in the road can stop us

I don't know if your eyes are open

I imagine opening my door to jump out if the car will crash

But why?

Does tthat protect me more or less?

Do I choose to die in the street crushed under the foot of others or crumple inside a metal cage?

Unfortunately, everyone is special

So many times I pass through and don't see these things

When was I here before? It's amber again

I remember I met with a man at the river here.

The same one that kissed me at the ocean. I didn't want that

Did he know I was afraid to drown In the water?

I'm not strong enough to drown anyone but myself.

I did so many things that made me afraid

And now he doesn't know me. He never really knew me.

I should have taken a chance to eat a salted lemon before I left but I didn't.

Now I'm 3 hours in and my mouth is feeling dry

I didn't take my medicine just to see what would happen (I took my medicine just to see what would happen)

I wanted to plant you but you looked just like a wildflower weed

My press on nails are all on all right except for my right middle finger

And I wasn't trying to be crude but a force made the decision for me to show you what's going on

Ive nnever had an original thought and never had an original feeling

Tigers in the sky with light beams

Ring around the posey rd

That's an exit off of I 35

You'd know about it if you saw it while I was writing it down

Pavements got me imagining snipers on the billboards I pass

If only i was important enough to be assassinated

I think I'd be the life of the party

I like all the things I can think about when someone is driving me around

Listening to pavement and wondering if they are holding off from talking to me because they know I have things in my ears

I figure they would just start talking and hope I get the memo but I'm not sure

My sister sends me a text thay just says "no"

What did I do

Oh yeah I wanted to know if she had a lot that I had to pay to park in

You know, he claims to like all this music for the lyrics, the lyrics that meander and tip oe around the meanings and never really tell you what they are taking about, and yet he get mad when I don't get to the point

See why is that?

If he liked the lyrics for the journey, you would think he'd be fine going on the journey with me verbally

I think he can't wrap his mind around my dreams. I can't blame him for requiring an explanation of the point.

When the angels made themselves seen and known, they also needed to simplify their appearance, or else we would be afraid

All concepts need to be watered down to be understood

By any conscious being

Not everyone can fully Process what it is to behold something that is This

I am not as a person, but an entity

I am. As I've always thought I have been

But different than I knew

But who is the dreamer?

I am unknowable

As it has always been

But it's all fine, it's alright

It doesn't make me alone, it makes me just as the rest of exkstence is

I'm more a part of it than ever now

And you can view me from afar if you want to

But I wish that you'd shut up and become a part of me already

The taste of China sign is burned out

It just says 'taste of CIA"

We ddrive past a Starbucks and I remember a time I was on a road trip with my dad driving from Odessa to Austin. We stopped for an hour and I wrote an essay for high school on my phone.

Athickness bbuilds in my throat. Am I dying

Am I being forgotten about already

I imagine fading into nothingness.

I imagine a car driving into my skull. I imagine you shooting me in the head. I imagine you punching my temple and my skull explodes across the kitchen.

One day I will be truly forgotten

And it's fine, it's all fine, it's all right, it's alright

I was always borrowing everything I own

A cheetah I deliver to another city for you