love is a c h o i c e

 Once again she had no idea of what to do other than try and decipher if following her feelings was the right choice. She wasn’t even sure if there was even a right choice. Right now everything was turning into a mess and yet deep inside her she felt everything was falling right into place. And then he grabbed her hand.The last time she remembered him holding her hand this way felt like a thousand years ago and yet she welcomed his touch like it was the most natural thing—because in a way it was. The electricity it sparked was not missed by her as a shiver ran down her spine. Her own hand had always been significantly smaller than his, except when they were children, but they always seemed to fit so perfectly it was uncanny. She sighed deeply when he looked into her eyes, tightening her fingers around his. Olivia didn’t realise she started shaking until then, and in vain tried to control herself. His words sounded so calm and collected as if he knew that’s exactly what she needed to hear, but at the same time, they overwhelmed her. Still the remains of her guilt haunted her mind, but he was right about many things. The past was the past and none of them could change the what happened, there was no use. She nodded softly, agreeing with his words.  She let him continue in a second, and once again, he managed to surprise her beyond relief.

Don’t want to be without you, Liv.

For a moment, she stopped breathing altogether. Her mouth opened slightly but nothing came out, and she was thankful she didn’t, because apparently he wasn’t done just yet. She quickly brought her other hand to her chest and clutched the fabric so tight, she felt her heart beating even faster. Did he truly feel that way? When he mentioned they weren’t really just friends she felt lightheaded. Deep inside she knew it, but saying it out loud made it real. It was rather embarrassing to admit that she committed to playing a lying game with him. Still gazing right into his eyes she was scared of the answer that she already knew was there, lingering in the air between them, but Olivia knew one thing. She had no doubt this was exactly where she wanted to be because she made no other move. They were so close, only a few inches from crashing into each other. It was unbearable. The atmosphere surrounding them only intensified what was already overwhelming, and when his final question arrived, Olivia couldn’t take it anymore. Right away, she shook her head looking down at her lap with defeat. “No, you’re not,” Olivia whispered. “you’re not the only one that’s been feeling that way.”  It was her turn for her voice to break. It took her a few seconds to look up at him again. “I’m not sure what’s going on anymore. I’ve been thinking I can keep going like this…” she trailed, now moving to sit on her knees and looking into his eyes. “I don’t think I can keep pretending that every time I see you, or every time I’m close to you, it doesn’t hurt not being able, to be honest with you. Being able, to be honest with me, for god’s sake!” she exclaimed with frustration. “It’s been killing me,” she admitted. “It kills me to try to ignore the fact that I… miss you. I miss you so damn much.” Olivia wasn’t naive. She didn’t miss the look he gave to her just a few seconds before. It was the look he always gave her when he was just about to kiss her, and yet he didn’t. It only meant that he left the choice to her, and now it was time. Either she could take the chance or…

But there was no ‘or’ this time. Olivia couldn’t form all the sentences she wanted to say so she did what her gut told her it was right. A memory played like a movie inside her head in a matter of seconds. Their first kiss when he simply pulled her in, taking her by surprise after realizing that words couldn’t explain what they both felt, the only answer needed was right there in front of them. Without thinking any further she closed the last few inches between them until Olivia crashed her lips against his. 

There was so much passion and emotion between them, it was almost too much to handle. Instinctively, his hands wrapped around her waist and he held her firmly, as if he was afraid she’d disappear at any moment. He parted her lips with his tongue, deepening the kiss and pulling her even closer to him. There was no space between their bodies, and yet Thomas still felt as if he wasn’t nearly as close to her as he wanted to be. Before he lost any sense of control, however, Thomas pulled away from the kiss and rested his forehead against Liv’s, breathing heavily. “If we don’t stop now I’ll never let you leave this apartment.” he smiled at her, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “I missed you so much, Liv. I was an idiot for ever letting you go, but I don’t plan on making the same mistake again.” he told her, taking both her hands into his. “I know we’re not perfect, but you’re the only one person in this whole wide world that knows me better than anyone and still chose to love me despite everything.” he said. Thomas could be cruel and mean and twisted, and Olivia still recognized those things in him and continued to stand by him. “And I also know that you and I were meant to be together. So be with me, let’s not waste any more time than we already have.”

“Noted,” Olivia said. “Well perhaps this is a sign from the universe that we shouldn’t have business meetings in your place if the electricity is failing just when we are about to start,” she joked lightly. They both knew they were doing everything except for working right then. “On the other hand, though, if you are going to offer me dinner every time I come… you know I’m not one to refuse I nice homemade meal,” she smirked. Olivia rolled her eyes back at him. “And that happens often, doesn’t it?” she teased him. “Come on, I’m sure it will get fixed eventually. You already offered me a ride, which I’m sure you won’t regret because I’m so charming. Besides, you are not that bad of a company either. I think we’ll survive.” Liv had to admit that despite everything, she was glad she was spending as much time with him as possible. She thought that they could never be together like this, talking, in a civilised way— or at least they were trying to, it seemed. Yes, every now and then it would get awkward, but Thomas and Olivia couldn’t live in awkwardness for too long. They were extremely similar in that way.  And to think that the scene had turn into so much more than just a meeting surprised Olivia, but it didn’t scare her. She could feel the unwanted topic arising little by little. A part of her wanted to dismiss it and disappear, but this was long overdue. It needed to happen. Again, they both knew that. The silence in between them was full proof of it. 

Memories. They either ruined or fixed things, and in this situation in particular the line was too thin. Would they cross it? She had to admit it was probably wrong to make a comment like that, but she was being nothing but honest. She did miss being with him like they used to. It was evident in the way those memories warmed her heart instead of making her feel completely sad. After her candid confession, she didn’t expect Thomas to say anything at first. Well, she did expected something, but nothing could have prepared her for what she heard next. Olivia almost didn’t believe it. She knew her words were bold, but his took her by surprise in the most pleasant way. “What are you–” she mouthed as he spoke so freely, but decided not to interrupt him. How many times did he open up like this? Not many. The entire time Olivia just at there looking straight to him expecting him to avoid her stare, but he didn’t for a long while and it only made his confession more powerful. Her mouth opened slightly as if trying to say something and blinked away any confusion. Olivia didn’t know how much she wanted to hear him say that until now. She looked at him wanting to touch his hand that was only inches away from hers now. She wanted to grab it and hold it tightly tell him how painfully sorry she was and that it wasn’t only his fault. Olivia wanted to say so many things, and yet she couldn’t find a place where to start. “Thomas no,” she breathed, softly taking the courage to come closer to him. “Don’t say that, it wasn’t your fault. I ruined everything from the very beginning. With my lies….and I never lied to you before,” she explained sadly. “I’ll never be able to say how sorry I am for all the things I did that I shouldn’t have. I lost more than I ever thought I would, and you have no idea how much I wanted you to be there, just as much as I wanted to be there for you,” she swallowed harshly. There was no other way to say it. “I gotta be honest, though. For a long time I thought it would only be a matter of time for us to move on, just like we always used to, but I made terrible mistakes and when you left I…” she looked down, not wanting to confess the evident mess that she was. The embarrassing mess that she became before she could even realize that there was no turning back. “I couldn’t handle it.” Her tone lowered down significantly as she said those words. Shaking her head slowly, she encouraged herself to continue. “But we were so young… we were kids. We thought we knew everything we needed to know, I know I did. I thought I had it all planned and figured out, what a joke,” she ended bitterly to herself. “I should’ve fought a lot harder for both of us, but I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know how to fix myself. I’m the one who’s always going to be sorry for not really showing you how much I loved you.” 

“Or, this is a sign that we’re in need of a vacation.” he said. “Tell me, when’s the last time you weren’t working?” he raised his eyebrows at her. “That’s how I lure in women to my apartment -- with a nice homemade meal.” Tom winked before chuckling. “I’m not that bad of a company?” he repeated her words, feigning offense. “Wow, isn’t that an understatement of the year? I am incredible company, thank you very much.” he bantered. This, right here, was what he had missed all those years spent apart from Olivia. There was no one else that could quite get on his level and banter with him the way she did. Many times during the years, Thomas had considered going back. Trying again. Trying to move on, to forgive. But fate wouldn’t let them go back to each other, not yet. That is, until now. The conversation between them quickly took a whole different turn, and Thomas knew if he didn’t apologize now, if he didn’t ask for forgiveness, he’d miss out on his chance to fix things between them. And so he did it, but he couldn’t have anticipated all the emotions that would resurface as a consequence. He found himself feeling things that he hadn’t felt in a long time, feelings that he believed he had safely shut deep inside his heart, never to be uncovered again. Oh, how wrong he had been. 

He listened to Olivia when it was her turn to speak, and a knot formed in his throat as he fought back tears. They had lost so much. So much time, so many unfulfilled goals that they were supposed to accomplish together. So many things they wanted to do...It felt like an eternity had gone by since they had been two kids crazy in love, and yet, at the same time, Thomas felt as if no time had passed at all. He still felt the same way. Deep down, he knew he always would. “You know,” he licked his lips as he spoke again, daring to take Olivia’s hand into his. He intertwined their fingers and let out a deep breath at the physical contact. “We could talk all day about what we should or shouldn’t have done,” he said, “But there’s no point to it. It’s both our fault, and that’s the end of it. We’re here today because of decisions we both made, but I’ve come to realize that not always that’s a bad thing.” Thomas lifted his shoulders slightly, but in the dark, he doubted Olivia could tell. They were sitting so close together, that he could almost feel her breath on his face. He talked in a low, hushed tone, as if speaking any louder would end the moment they were sharing. “We had the chance to grow up without each other, to see who we are when we’re not together. And the only conclusion I’ve come to in these five years is that I actually don’t want to be without you, Liv.” Thomas said, half-laughing. He wasn’t sure what was funny; perhaps the fact that this was just dawning on him right now. Or that he was being so goddamn reckless right now, by saying these things. “I don’t feel like I’m myself when I’m without you, and I don’t know if that’s normal or even healthy but...I don’t care.” he said. “I need you in my life, Olivia. But not as a friend.” he swallowed, took in a deep breath, cursed himself for doing this. But his gut told him it was right. “I mean, we were never just friends, were we? And we gotta face it,” he smiled softly as he looked down at their hands. “We’re not just friends now, either.” When Thomas raised his gaze to look up at Olivia again, he felt as if something had shifted. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the rain that was falling outside, the dimmed lighting in the room from the candles, or the simple electricity that hummed between them, but he had the very strong urge to just kiss her. And he could, if he only tilted his head ever so slightly to the right and lean in, he could. But instead, he said, 

“Tell me I’m not alone in this.