blackened.

( gta voice ) ah shit .... here we go again jflskjf anyways hi it’s rouge ( she / her, 21+ ) with nabi again, this time as the war skeleton from four horsemen of the apocalypse !! she’s essentially the same with 50% more unhinged behavior, 30% less empathy, 20% more dramatics, 100% reason to remember the name. ooh, also her secret has changed to something more dramatic and fitting too so that’s always fun !! as always like this post if you would like to plot or hit me up on discord at saturnian charm#3118 ⏤ i cleared out her plot page and tweaked some so there’s a ton open now !! anyways here’s some tl;dr under the cut and all that good stuff ⏤ 

            ✧  [  ABOUT  /  BACKGROUND  /  PLOTS   ]  ✧

what’s always kept them together would be the sense of freedom and the absolute need for it; it’s how their relationship has survived the test of time up until this point. they carved their own space for each other as a place to just exist as is during high school, when judgement was assaulting from all directions, and sujeong will never truly realize how thankful nabi was just to have that space, how it sustained her during turbulent times and saved her from destruction ⏤ destruction of others, destruction of self. there’s always been this implicit sense of understanding with each other that infers to believe that sujeong feels the same way; a kindred spirit in the struggle of doing right by family or right by self, the emotions that rupture from the other every now and then. where as others attempted to control her or tone her down, nabi accepts it, embraces it, incites it.

soon enough, it’s not just the class they were born into that feels like a cage; it’s feels like the walls are closing in within the borders of the country when the both of them graduate, eyes are always upon them and there’s never a safe place. even with the change in nabi’s outer demeanor mean that they can be together more freely than before, it’s still not enough. impulsive decisions lead to impulsive trips outside of trappings of korea, and that’s when the shackles are broken ⏤ endless nights of unadulterated indulgence and debauchery, memories that are preserved only within their minds ( or maybe within hidden albums within their phones, or snapchat ), not to be spoken of when they return to the homeland.

greek tragedy  cars are flipping, i’m in hot pursuit / my character’s strong, but my head is loose for @chrnabi tw / implications of self-harm 

as much as she would like to live in the fantasy that those two weeks had been nothing but a fever dream, the residue hurt reminds her otherwise. there’s the sting of deceptive hopefulness that follows after every one of insu’s texts, the pungent bitterness that floods her senses whenever she’s forced to encounter her elder brother, the inexplainable exasperation that yanks at her heart whenever she checks her messages with kitae only to be faced with the same empty inbox from a week ago. (it fucking sucks – she’d left to the island with that ugly matching supreme carrier she’d made jaehyun get with her so how and why the fuck did she come back with another emotional baggage to lug around?)

her emblematic coping mechanisms don’t seem to work as well as before – she breaks up a couple with the help of a new friend, indulges in gratuitous amounts of alcohol and drugs, fritters daddy’s money away on pretty shoes and pretty bags. nothing ameliorates the situations – worsens it, she would say. one night, after an especially bad trip that involved seeing their faces in the dirty mirrors of neon-lit rooms and hearing the words she’d begged to be obliterated from her memory, she’d scratched and scratched and scratched, desperate attempts to claw out the ache in her.

she doesn’t tell anyone. doesn’t know how to articulate the turmoil. just goes through her days routinely – laughs when she needs to, smiles when she needs to, teases when she needs to. it’s easier that way; it brings back a sense of normalcy.

and it’s a thursday evening when she gives herself the half-day off with the excuse of an emergency and a cheeky “need a new dress!” (no one says anything. the last employee who’d made a snarky comment under her breath about the employee’s child had their livelihood disturbed, some unfounded rumour of embezzlement and some mildly concerning funds in their bank accounts.)

she doesn’t expect to see nabi there, but it’s not an unwelcome sight. some cruel twist of fate, hayoung thinks, somehow, she’d managed to evade nabi the whole time but not those who should’ve been eschewed. “unnie!” she chirps, “haven’t seen you in so long. i almost thought you didn’t make it to the nam’s island but i knew that hannam’s queen party girl would never do that.” 

fate was the only reasonable explanation for something like this to happen, the meeting of each member involved in the infamous nam island love triangle in succession. sure, nabi was familiar and ( somewhat ) amiable with each person involved, but it was a little wild how the timing of each crossing seemed to play out. sungho comes back into her life only days after the posting ( shoutout to rose because without the blast, she’s not sure what else she could have come up with after several years of absence ), then there’s the meet up with somin that follows during the first week of their return back to normalcy ( and the tea that comes with it as well ). 

when nabi is out and about involving herself in some retail therapy to curb her boredom, the last thing she expects to see is jin hayoung prancing up to her with a lively attitude. not that it was unwelcome ⏤ no, even if their last meeting may not have been on the best terms, quite understandably, but she finds herself a little bit bewildered considering it was a week after she last spoke to somin.

 (  ✕  ✕  ✕  )

    funny how nabi tastes nothing like she imagined – jamie thought strawberry lip gloss and freezing lips , but all she got was smoky liquor and burning desire. it was a thousand times more so you could imagine the struggle jamie faced when she had to force the distance between the two , eyes shut and her lungs quickly taking up whatever air they could find.. “ fuck…” profanities weren’t often something that fell passed her lips but let’s just say the situation called for it because geez , if their first kiss was anything to go by… yeah , she was probably already regretting her next move. 

    “ nabi.. ” hands still a little too desperately needing to reach for her but being tamed to stay off and help the situation de-escalate , perhaps then jamie would’ve thought to pull away a little further and not let her own lips ghost over hers , but , small steps yeah? “ nabi , you’re drunk.. and i don’t want you doing something you’ll regret tomorrow —- no matter how much i fucking want you. ” another deep breath and a little more distance. “ you– you should.. you should get some sleep… ”

it’s hard to think straight when every fiber in your being thrums with want, settling upon her skin like an itch she can’t scratch, the supple nature of jamie’s lips gradually edging the sensation into need, a fervent hunger. her heart picks up speed, battering against her rib cage, and nabi doesn’t realize how crucial the state of her lungs were until the older throws her into a state of disorientation with the way she suddenly parts from her. the labored breathing is the only sound picked up within the hushed ambiance of the room aside from jamie’s exclamation, and it causes eyelids to flutter open in response, eyebrows raising. she’s confused, upset, wants to protest like a child who’s toy was harshly taken away ⏤ but the other is the first to speak, to explain, and the more she does, the more nabi’s attitude changes for the better.

he finds their situation humorous, because in all honesty if you were to call them friends, he wouldn’t agree but they are far from strangers. just two people simply…existing around each other who, for some god forsaken reason, have now found themselves sharing a moment amidst the crowd and reminiscing on memories of way back when. he doesn’t know where to look so he decides to focus on the crowd dancing behind her so at least at some angle, it seems as if his focus is on her. though that doesn’t last long as his attention is brought back to her when she mentions the little instagram incident. he remembers thinking he’s seeing things, that surely nabi wouldn’t be snooping around on his page at the wee hours of the night, let alone like a picture on accident. but a rub of his eyes and a scroll through his notifications prove him wrong. 

“well i wasn’t planning on bringing it up but…” he trails off and lets a laugh bubble past his lips before he quickly downs the shot in hand, head tilting backwards as the liquid slides down his throat. the glass hits the countertop with a soft clang, drowned out by the music and by sounds of others having fun in the background, “you just had to have liked that picture, huh?” the aforementioned picture, one that he posted without a thought one day after an especially rigorous gym session, had caused quite the uproar in his comment section and if he’s ever looking for a good laugh on an especially unbearable day, he’ll go back and scroll through. “it was the arms, wasn’t it?” again, he’s teasing, but it’s true, he’s no longer the scrawny kid he once was when they had been together. 

a brow raises at her comments and it’s becoming a little more clear as to why she decided to approach him– at least he thinks he knows why. perhaps the idea of not having him anymore is what pushed her here and perhaps for him, he doesn’t mind. just perhaps. with alcohol in his system and clouding his better judgement he inches closer to her, a sudden bravery washing over him that holds power over any sort of awkwardness he had been feeling around her prior. he isn’t close enough to whisper but he isn’t far enough require a raised voice to be heard over their intense background, “you’re not just saying that in an attempt to come back to me, are you, nabi?” there’s a slight slyness to his tone, awaiting a reaction from her that he’s sure he will enjoy seeing. if things haven’t changed over the many years and she’s still the same nabi he dated, he’s sure her response would be one he will like. 

if she could afford another moment of honesty, nabi’s more than surprised at how well the conversation is going, how receptive sungho seems to be to her after all this time. there wasn’t an idea in mind about how this was supposed to go, really ⏤ more like an erratic decision made from an intoxicated instinct with no aim in sight, but she’s more than pleased at the outcome of it all. or, at least that was her initial thought process. the way sungho starts leaves nabi’s eyebrows to furrow, confused because it’s hard to understand what he was getting at. it was a joke, something that he was supposed to haha at the audacity of and then move on from. there’s a vague mention of a picture and the image brings nothing to mind at first, to which she responds with a “what? stop playing with me,” because sure, she actually has gone through his instagram at times, and yes, maybe some of those times were during the midnight hour, but she ... oh shit. wait a minute.

the arms, he says. that’s all it takes for her to remember, all it takes for her to suddenly choke on air in embarrassment, a quick attack that suddenly has her regretting making her way over to him. 

“shut up, you’re lying,” she exclaims after she’s able to catch her breath, though the flush of red still remains upon her features, using a hand to lightly swat at the limb in question. “your arms aren’t even that impressive.” although it was a literal weak attempt, denying was obviously the best way to go ( even if it was apparent that she was caught, using the same hand to fan herself ) because what else was she to say? yes, it was your nice fucking arms and i was thinking about how they ⏤ uh, no ma’am, no sir. instead the woman takes a much needed sip of her margarita in an attempt to cool down, in some form of a distraction, but it was obvious that sungho had other plans. 

his presence is felt in her immediate vicinity and it’s enough for eyebrows to raise, but wavering isn’t an option this time. it’s a sense of a challenge that’s felt more than anything from the man’s words, and she’s not about to give him another point without a struggle. it’s what makes nabi close the distance further, leaning forward with her chest as an elbow rests upon the bar, a little too close for comfort, “come on, babe. if i really wanted you back that badly, i’d have you wrapped around my finger right now,” she says, low, head cocking to the side while a simper blooms upon her lips, “and while that’s not something you’ll admit right now, in the back of your mind ... you know i’m right. it’s okay.”

the ridiculous pomp and circumstance that deluges these charity receptions makes her want to do nothing more but gauge her eyes out with the silver plated cutlery. it’s nothing but cultured showboating under the guise of philanthropy, putting on airs to maintain a sense of hierarchy within the society. it feels like even she is on display for all to see ⏤ the beauty of jung chulsoo’s only daughter, the one that finally got her life together after all those years. it feels like she’s only an extension of the family’s many successes at these events; never an independent being aside from the actions that stained her adolescence. in simpler terms: she hates it here. hates everything about it and everyone involved in it. and despite the fact that she’s trying her hardest to remain in her father’s good graces, pretending to belong was not something she was willing to do. nabi played along well up into a certain point, adorning the dress that he bought for her, thinking it was en vogue ( sure dad, maybe in the 1960s or something ) and actually showing up, but her own sense of generosity was drying up as the event went on.

she’s seated in one of the far off tables near a corner of the ballroom, chewing upon whatever finger foods the staff offered to her at the moment, expression exuding nothing but irritation and boredom. naturally she finds herself alone and she would prefer to keep it that way, dark hues constantly glancing at the screen of her phone, counting the hours until her father releases her from this cage where she could be doing something more productive and fulfilling with her time. her father seems to take notice of her sedentary nature and before she comes to realize it he’s swooping her on to her feet, gliding her over to one of his colleague’s sister’s mother’s cousin’s dog’s close family friend twice removed ⏤ she doesn’t really know, doesn’t bother pay attention. nabi gives a smile and bow as a courtesy, but there’s a itchy feeling of awareness that pricks at her when she gazes at the son. long legged and attractive, sure, but it isn’t until there’s a mention of hannam between the two older men that there’s the ah, we went to school together. of course.

nabi tries her absolute damndest to not make a home out of someone. home is stability, peace, vulnerability. people are fickle, impractical, discretionary.

but there’s always those few that tend to slip through the crevices without realizing, years of familiarity and camaraderie blurring lines of acquaintance to friendship to confidant; there’s no big bang of a moment where their relationship shifted, couldn’t pinpoint an exact date and time. she just remembers ryu kitae always being a constant in her life, regardless if he was in the forefront or the background. from childhood up until the hazard occupation that is adult life, he’s always just been there, somewhere. maybe it was that assurance that caused them to drift towards each other, and the unveiling of their hidden situations only solidified their friendship; a comfort in the lack of judgement and the parallels between their secrets. he isn’t a home, but something damn near close to it within nabi’s eyes.

and even though it seems that mocking kitae is pastime of hers at this point, she looks forward to the times they are able to meet ⏤ where they’re both able to shed the facade of confidence and competence, and allow vulnerability to come and go as it pleases, to take up space. there’s a sudden need for him that’s hard to explain, something that she doesn’t bother to analyze further ⏤ instead, texts him at four in the afternoon with a quick meet up tonight? pc bang after your shift because it’s not like she has anything to do better anyways, cruising around in a ride sharing vehicle going god knows where in finely pressed designer clothing, an attempt to appear busy. kitae knows she’s not just as well as she does.

    you’d imagine that jamie would be here standing in utter shock at the seemingly 180 nabi’s personality was going through.. but having the opportunity to interact with people before and after they were down a few on a daily basis, she knew how alcohol was more than capable of bringing out the least expected —– the only difference? just how much this inebriated nabi was affecting her. it was probably the unspoken reason of the light shade of pink on her cheeks. but she’ll just tell you it was that last whiskey sour. 

     “ first off , i think the problem is that i think about you a little too much but you? i can just tell that i’ve never even crossed your mind. ” she retorted with a little pout and before words could continue , she feels the breeze caused by delicate digits that brush against the stray locks and work to now expose the smile she couldn’t have possibly subdued. her own grip on the younger slightly tightened unknowingly before taking a second to snap out of the moment. “ that sounds like a great idea !! ” there’s a little falter in the confidence but still , a chuckle escaping because the visual of precious adorable nabi fists up and taking down a few was… — well actually it was kinda hot.

      even though the movement was innocent… for the most part , mostly just a slip from her end where jamie full well expected to be the only one actually affected by it.. which she was — but the woman on her back actually reciprocating the tension had her breath hitched. jamie noticed how her brown orbs slowly sunk and she knew turning away was the only way to stop things from escalating because a world where nabi was actually interested in bridging the gap wasn’t real , only lived in the older woman’s imagination. so she chose to laugh it off , holding her close at the little fit and re-adjusting her almost like a backpack that slid down , “ ahh i’m sorry , i’m sorry – but wait… i didn’t really do anything. ” as the moment died down between the two , it wasn’t long after until jamie was sucked into it again. the lower octave of her voice ringing so loud , even though it was barely a whisper – the emphasis on the honorific was straight up cheating. teeth clench and her jaw tightens as a finger slithers against the defined area and jamie just huffs a quiet little , “ not fair. ” before moving to the pointed direction. there wasn’t much she could do and nabi clearly had the upper hand in this position , but once they arrived , jamie could really….–  no , no.. maybe she should let her off the hook this one time , she was drunk , after all. it’s fine.  

      she patiently waited while the other fished out the key to her room as the end of a rather adventurous journey approached. she carefully sets the woman down on her bed. “ home sweet home. ” she says with a smile while filling up a glass of water before taking it to her , the free hand was used to grip onto the other’s to help her find the way to the glass , the front of her hand pressed against the back of hers for a second before she let go and let nabi take a sip. now , it would’ve been easy to walk away and leave it at that — except it wasn’t , not when she could still hear her whispers and feel the touch that was not nearly enough. again , she could just blame this on her last drink , right? the distance between them didn’t last too long as jamie bent closer , hands on the bed , one on each side of her as the usual cheery light hearted gaze the bar owner had was now replaced with something a little darker in shade , something that matched the little smirk perfectly. “ just for the record , i never start anything i can’t finish… but then again , i’m not the one who started this. ”

it’s as if the anticipation building could be physically felt ⏤ the playful wording, squeeze of a thigh or soft touch, knowing glances; each action a rush that is surging into a levee reaching critical levels, threatening to overflow at the sudden pressure. too much to handle at once, for one moment. the niceties coat a thin layer over their actions, could lessen their actions as to jokes or playing around within their friendship, but nabi has never been the one to impel hard lines and distinctions whenever it came to these kind of things, especially since jamie seems so receptive to it. if the heat that radiates from her face means anything. or the way her jaw constricts at her touch. or the way the older doesn’t pull away from as quickly as others would have when they were too close for comfort.

she’s drunk, distracted, and impatient. all make for a destructive combination which causes her thoughts about the other a lot less innocent, a lot more immoral. but there’s something that rings her curiosity in the way jamie reveals that she thinks about her. something that makes her want to question it, but by the time the realization hits her they’re within her room, attention going to the goosebumps that litter her skin at the loss of contact when nabi is placed on the bed; too accustomed to the way the older felt against her that it was unsettling without. lips part to call out to her, afraid for one second that she would leave and that would be it, only for them to be occupied with a glass of water not too long after. as much jamie’s nurturing tendencies were welcomed, heart warming and appreciated, she’s thinking about something else. it gleams within the hunger of her gaze, how she never dares to looks away.

luckily, it seems that the other is within the same frame of mind ⏤ and nabi can’t help the way teeth sink into the supple flesh of her lip at the words, her presence closing in, teasing, never enough. corners of her mouth quirk upwards as her words come out slow, dragging the moment, “really? you’re super cute when you play innocent like that, but i know what you want, jamie.” the chuckle that follows is low, deep, as a free hand moves forward to crook a finger within the material of her collar, pulling the other woman enough to extinguish the tension put there’s a sudden pause right before, a short stop. nabi’s breath caressing her lips as she whispers, purposely tantalizing, “you said you think about me too much before, hmm? show me how far we go when you do.”

"that'd have to be the whole change, wouldn't it?" she says with a smile, referring to the difference in appearance and attitude from high school and now, "i lived my whole life being the antithesis of what my parents ever wanted, so it's not a surprise that old friends are surprised or pissed when they see me all dolled up and obedient. but at the same time, it's like ... it does piss me off a bit. like, why the fuck do i have to explain myself to you? sorry that my mom fucking died and i feel like i'm the reason? sorry that i don't want to send my dad to an early grave as well? and that i actually enjoy his attention?" there's a release of something that's a mix of a huff and a sigh, irritation etched upon her expression at the thought of it all, "i shouldn't have to trauma dump just to feel better. stay in your lane."

"mmh, i'm not sure. i've said a lot of vile shit back when i was just angry at the world," she trails off. to think about those types of things makes her cringe, mainly because everything was fair game back then when she was upset and bent on retaliation. much less so with those she cared about, but it even then it was still hard for her to control. "probably something about someone's dead parent? mocking it, and stuff. it's alright though, karma came back at me tenfold for that one, so."

"do i look like cupid to you? if two people have feelings for each other that's something they should deal with on their own. i don't have anything to do with it."

     her voice only receives the smirk on his features to become more pronounced, his gaze not leaving her as she speaks, the hand on his chest and the grappling at his collar. an understandable reaction, one he had expected with an encounter from someone like her, he wasn’t surprised not nearly enough to let her words cut him. if he was any sober perhaps his reaction would be more colourful, more vibrant with the way things were spiralling. a mere tch leaving from his lips, tension filling the ambience in the backdrop as the foreground shifts to the feeling of sudden indignation as her laughter echoes through his drunken haze. mind barely sober enough to keep himself accountable but he’s grasping onto his disposition, keeping his sanity by the thread, gaze narrowing onto her. 

     “then lets not forget how i found one you with some fucktard, or did we just choose to conveniently forget?” the entirety of their relationship, the embodiment of instability, warped delusions of picturesque highs that were always too ideal replicate. only to be followed by incredible lows that stooped to a hellscape of insanity, their relationship hung on the precipice of madness, a yoyo that had suddenly snapped at the tension point and he was left sprawling to the sidelines feeling like some sort of monstrosity. some sort of grotesque monstrosity. digits raising to swoop the strands before his dulled hues away, a sigh leaving from his lips, taking everything in his drunken disposition to remain calm. though, her words only falter his resolve, gaze moving to narrow on her again, “i’m causing a commotion? are you fucking blind or fucking stupid?” eyes rolling, almost having lodged themselves at the back of his skull at the sheer audacity of her words, “rich, coming from you.” his voice never raising, keeping its sombre tonality. 

    “have an adult conversation? what the fuck are you on? i’ve been trying to have an adult conversation with you and what the fuck do you do? avoid me.” he doesn’t want to resort defiling her name, nor to swear directly at her, he doesn’t want to swear at all, not in her presence, not when he’s feeling this much emotion of anger. but he has done just that, swore in her presence, called her stupid, defiling her name. red lathering his soul, his disposition bleeding out at his grip as he feels himself losing his resolve, losing his sanity. the knuckles only peering whiter through his skin as he slams it up against the wall beside her. “i didn’t mea— i didn’t… i didn’t mean to call you stupid.” he’s trying to regain what little sanity he has left, what little control he had left over his slipping mind, the bass falling to the background only urging the twitch in his body to worsen, as he feels himself tensing up. “we’ll talk outside.” he speaks slow, any faster and he would lose his mind, he would do something he might regret.

“no one forgot shit, but riddle me this ⏤ where do you think i got that bright idea from, huh?” there’s something in the way that her gaze is unrelentless, cocking her head to the side as nabi continues to verbally prod at him despite all the warning signs that are telling her not to, despite the fact that the adrenaline that courses through her definitely wasn’t from excitement,  “because apparently it was okay for you to fuck around when you wanted to, ghost me for a good part of our relationship doing god knows what without my knowledge, so i’m sure she wasn’t the only one ⏤ but when i do it, i’m in the wrong?” and they both know it’s a dramatic oversimplification of their situation, much more nuance and context that’s located in between the lines, hangs in the distance between them, but she finds it irrelevant at this point; hard to care for it when it came to the bottom line of wrongdoing in their relationship. “i’m the one that’s stupid? really? how else did you expect this conversation to go, insu? fucking enlighten me ⏤ or do you wanna play stupid too and act like you didn’t know coming over here like this wouldn’t get me riled up?” and maybe she is as dumb as they come because here she is; hook, line, sinker. blood pressure rising. vision lathering in crimson.

but insu continues to talk and it’s enough to make her laugh again, enough to make her think that this is all some sick joke that he’s doing for the sake of entertainment ⏤ if not him, some deity from above that revels in her suffering. “and now you see why i avoid your ass. or are we still playing pretend?” the grin that blooms upon her face is anything but chipper, lithe fingers pushing through dark strands as a sigh passes from her lips, an attempt to discharge the hot air of vexation that continues to permeate her lungs. it doesn’t help, and she’s looking away again before speaking up again, “because are you honestly ready to have that conversation? truly and sincerely?” it’s been several long years since their break up, meaning that the conversation was far overdue; but as time goes on nabi isn’t sure she sees the point in it anymore. maybe they’re too far gone past the point of reconciliation, too grounded in their own ways to focus on any alternative point of view.