Seventh Horizon

The Saddest Truth #14

if nobody wishes you a good day, i would

if nobody prays for you, i would

if nobody asks how you're doing, i would

if nobody wants to hear your vent, i would

if nobody wants to listen to your thoughts, i would

if nobody wants to have lunch with you, i would

if nobody wants to talk to you, i would

if nobody compliments you, i would

if nobody appreciates your kindness, i would

if nobody notices the beauty of your smile, i would

if nobody walks beside you when you're alone, i would

if nobody holds your hand when you're anxious, i would

if nobody helps to lift the burden on your shoulders, i would

if nobody sees the greatness within you, i would

if nobody loves you, i would

i would

for you, i would

what else is there to hold on to? she is gone.

where will i go when i feel cold? she is gone.

which words must i believe when i am in confusion? she is gone.

why should i greet another morning if emptiness awakes me? she is gone.

how do i continue walking on this path if she is gone?

because now she is gone.

i want to be hurt again. i want you to break my heart again. i want to annoy you again. i want to argue with you again. i want to fight with you again. i want you to yell at me again. i want you to scream at me again. i want you to lie to me again. i want you to cry because of me again. i want you to be angry at me again. i want you to manipulate me again. i want you to mess with my mind again. i want you to ruin me again. i want you to be my depression.

i want you...

This letter is dedicated to her who I have lost, I have let down, I have ruined, I have wasted. For you, who will always have a special place in my heart.

Let me open this letter with something that I will never be brave enough to tell you... I miss you. I really do miss you. I miss you to the point that my heart aches every time I see your social media. I miss you so much that I can't stop looking at your contact on my phone, waiting for you to text me because I am a coward to text you first. I long for your story so much that every time I see your post with your friends and see you being so happy with them, it breaks me apart.

But I don't blame you. This is not your fault and will never be. I am to blame here because of how I treat you. How I never realized your existence in my life, how I took you for granted, how I never made an effort as much as you do to this friendship.

You have given me so much and yet I was too selfish to never try to see it. It is not you who is self-centered, it has been always me. I was the one who can't appreciate you enough. And it is too late to get you back knowing that you live a happy life.

I know it is not right to judge how your life has been going just from social media but I wish that smile you show on your post is real because if it is not, it only makes me feel worse.

I am sorry. I am so sorry for treating you so wrong that I can't even tell you this directly because I finally understand that I don't deserve you at all. You are such a wonderful person. Talented, clever, brave, sweet, strong, every positive adjective is in you. I finally understand that back then maybe some part of me was kind of jealous of how great you were (and you still are and will always be) and turned the friendship we used to have into a competition. It was not okay. It was toxic. I was toxic. I really have been the one who holds you back from going up. I was the chain tied to your wings to fly. I was toxic. And I could never forgive myself for it. I couldn't let myself just get away with it.

I have been alone for the past few years, got no one to talk to, even to share funny things on the internet, which is the activity I miss the most from you. I never know how much I love hearing you talk about anything until I finally have no stories to hear when I am bored at night. I never know how much I love your chatter about anything until I realize how I know less about this world. I never know how much I love your company so much until I finally have no one by my side anywhere I go. I never know how much I love your random text so damn much until my phone has been so silent recently. I never know how much I love our lame and bad humor because we laugh at anything until I have nobody to laugh with, and nothing is funny anymore. I never know how much I love you, not just as a friend but as someone who has been with me for a long time, as a part of me. After all this time, and suddenly not having you, losing you, leaving you, has made me become so miserable. I wasted you.

But no matter how much I miss you, I can't ask you to befriend me again. I don't deserve someone who has been so nice to me. I don't deserve you. You need someone, a friend, who can appreciate you more than me. Someone who will make an effort as much as you do. Someone who will not hold you back when you want to fly away. Someone who will not be jealous of your achievement. Someone who will appreciate you more than me. Someone who will treat you better.

This is the karma that I have to deal with. This is something that I need to fix first, my mentality to start being optimistic about anything and less complaining. To never take anything for granted. To always appreciate people who have been kind to me.

Thank you for all these years. Thank you for all the great memories I have experienced and will always keep in my mind. Thank you for telling me stories that I never know before. Thank you for wanting to be my friend though I may have mistreated you many times. Thank you for all the funny things you have shared with me that I will always long for. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for always being you.

I apologize sincerely, though I may have still been a coward because I can't send this letter to you. I apologize if I blocked our communication. I apologize for any harm that I have caused you. You really deserve better. I am so sorry.

I hope one day, if this letter ever gets to you, on that day, I have already healed. I have finally fixed everything that is wrong with me. And I hope you are already thriving in life.

I also want you to know that by writing this letter, I don't expect anything from you. I don't want you to pity me, or feel bad about me because again, this is really my fault. I wrote this so that I can lift a little burden on my chest and finally find peace with everything. I want to understand that I have lost someone so special because of my ego.

I will put your name on my prayer, praying for you to get all the happiness you deserve. I love you and I miss you. If we are meant to be friends again, we will always find each other.

I love you, Toya.