Deep in Thought

So my therapist, who I love (this isn’t something against her), keeps telling me not to beat myself up about things or be too harsh with myself. She tells me this every session recently because I’ve been beyond disappointed and ashamed with myself and my actions lately. She tells me that it is ok and that I am not who I make myself out to be. She offers me re-assurance and care which is beyond helpful, for an hour or so after she leaves at least. However, when she isn’t there I can’t not beat myself up. It isn’t that easy. I know why she’s saying it and she doesn’t say it like most people do. She knows it isn’t easy, but I almost wish she would tell me it was ok to beat myself up (emotionally) and be mad at myself instead. I get why she can’t/doesn’t though. It would make me feel better about doing it, but would never make me stop. 

Update: my relationship lasted like two months and I figured out very quickly we weren’t a great fit. I think I was more excited about being in a relationship than who I was in it with. We didn’t match up right and I have a weird personality that though he seemed fine with, just didn’t mesh in the relationship sense. What I wanted in a relationship and how it should go we’re very different.