dan howell imagines

warnings: language, feels

I tapped my fingers nervously on the bar and swept my eyes across the room for probably the tenth time in just the last minute. My blind date was now 26 minutes late. I anxiously took another sip of my drink and brushed my fingers across the glass, wet with condensation.

“Y/N?” I heard a voice say from behind me.

My stomach dropped and I turned around to meet two warm, brown eyes. I looked up at him, gazing across his features. He was quite attractive, and I was surprised my friend set me up with a guy that’s my type.

“I have the perfect guy for you,” my friend told me the minute I opened the door when she came over for dinner last week.

I rolled my eyes, letting her walk past me into my kitchen. “You said that last time,” I said.

“No seriously, this guy is perfect for you,” she said nodding her head, “he’s intelligent, funny, and he has the coolest job. His name is Dan.”

I furrowed my brows curiously, “What does he do?”

She smirked at me, “Spoilers.”

“Okay, River Song. Seriously, what’s his job?” I asked her, highly interested now.

She never did tell me…

“Sorry I kept you waiting,” my date said, pulling me out of my thoughts. He rushed the apology in a mixture of awkwardness and nervousness. At least I know I’m not the only one on edge about this.

“It’s really fine, I was just having a drink,” I smiled politely, trying to ease his tension.

He visibly relaxed. “Let’s get a table,” Dan said, looking at me through the corner of his eye. We exited the bar side of the restaurant and walked up to the hostess.

“Howell, for two,” he said, and I smiled at the sound of his voice. It is soft and kind, something I wouldn’t mind getting used to.

I followed behind the hostess towards our table. As we walked, I looked around behind me to peek at him again, and I caught his eyes looking down and then quickly meeting mine. Was he checking me out? I blushed and swiftly turned my eyes back to the swishing ponytail of the hostess. I smiled to myself, not minding his wandering eye. In fact, what I was really just hoping he liked what he saw.

We arrived to a small booth along the wall of the restaurant, and I took my seat. Dan sat down as well, as the hostess handed us menus. We were silent for a moment.

“Um, sorry, do you mind if I run to the restroom real quick?” he said, looking up at me. I smiled and nodded, and he left our table. As soon as he was out of sight, I quickly pulled out my phone.

I had mentally taken note of his last name when he gave it to the hostess. With the newfound information, I was able to do a little internet stalking.

But when I got the results, I suddenly wish I hadn’t.

Thousands of hits came up for the guy. He had a Wikipedia! Apparently, he was a huge YouTube channel with loads of subscribers. I mean, he even had a fucking book! I was on a date with a celebrity.

I felt my stomach turn in nervousness. What are we going to talk about? My life is so plain and boring! I panicked, and decided that I can’t be on this date. He’ll be disappointed, but he will surely get over it. I’m sure he can have anyone he wants.

I began to quickly gather my things, and shrugged my coat over my shoulders. Just as I was getting out of my chair, I was met with big, brown, confused eyes.

“Are you going? Is everything alright?” he asked, his brows furrowed together. He didn’t attempt to hide his feelings, clear disappointment and confusion, possibly a little hurt, written across his face. His eyes we big and begging me to stay.

“I-I..um,” I stuttered, trying to think of something to say. But I met his eyes once more, and something about them triggered a waterfall of words out of my mouth.

“Well my friend didn’t really tell me that much about you so when you left for the bathroom I looked you up on the internet not in a creepy way or anything I was just curious and I found out that you’re, you know, you and, well, I’m me and I just got really nervous and-“

“Okay, okay slow down,” he said, sitting across from me. I sighed and put my face in my hands.

“You must think I’m insane,” I said. He didn’t respond immediately and so I met his eye again.

He smiled. “Is it a problem, what I do?”

I shook my head, “No! Not at all, it’s really cool. I just, I don’t know, I’m so boring compared to you.” I looked down to my hands. Why am I like this? God, he probably wants nothing to do with me.

“Don’t you think I should be the judge of that?” he said, chuckling. I laughed with him, mostly out of nervousness.

“Trust me, I by no means live a crazy, exciting life. All I do really is sit around on my couch with my laptop. Most days, I don’t even leave my house. If anything, you’ll probably think I’m boring.”

I smiled shyly. He’s probably telling the truth, I have nothing to worry about. Now that my anxiety has subsided, I began to realize how embarrassing I am.

I groaned, “God, I am literally a crazy person.”

Dan laughed and leaned towards me, looking me straight in the eye.

“I’m going to let you in on a little secret, we all are,” and he dropped his left eye into a wink.

Author’s note:

Thank you to everyone who sent me kind messages welcoming me back! Enjoy <3

-G

I walked out of the Underground and the cold bit at my cheeks. I sigh as I attempt to pull my coat up to protect myself from the wind. My hands screaming, I shove them back into my pockets and ball them into fists. I feel my nails digging into my palm and I grit my teeth.

I do all I can to fight the winter air, and yet still it creeps between the seams, sliding across my chilled stomach, up my spine, and causing the hair on the back of my neck to stand.

But I’ve learned this lesson before. You can’t keep the outside world from chilling your bones and freezing your heart.

I didn’t think I saw him at first. My eyes were sliding across the crowd casually, checking my surroundings, when I caught his eye. My neck twitched in a double-take, and I laughed incredulously at the sight of the old friend. Immediately, my heart warmed as I began to make my way to him, never loosing eye contact with the tall boy. I do suppose he is a man now.

Once we reached each other my arms wrapped around his torso, and I was engulfed in a black jacket. I pressed my cheek against his coat, and felt the warmth from him radiate on my blushed skin. Reluctantly, I pulled away from him.

“Dan Howell,” I said, my voice dripping with nostalgia. His eyes still twinkled the way they used to. As he greeted me, his voice melting in my ears, I looked over his face. He matured, his face losing all the child-like qualities we both had years ago. I glance down to his lips, making sure not to spend too much time there, and remembered the softness of his kisses.

“How have you been?” he asked me, dimples engraved into his cheeks.

I smiled. “Good. I have been working so much, but it’s rewarding. How are you? Mr. Internet Star?”

He laughs and rolls his eyes at me. He was never one to dwell on his success.

“Really great. Hey, if you have the time, we should grab a coffee. Get out of this cold, too.”

I smiled at the thought of a warm Chai Tea; although, ironically, I don’t seem to really need it anymore.

Nevertheless, we went and chatted about ourselves, filling the empty patches of the other’s lives we have been absent from. I sipped my tea, never breaking my gaze from his face. I still could not fathom that he was sitting across from me. He reminded me of how I felt when I was younger, and while that may not be the most healthy reason for enjoying his presence, I couldn’t help but bathe in this youthful nostalgia. Yet, as we talked, I felt my present self attach to him, a similar bond I felt when we first met. Did I want to get back together with Dan? I pushed the thought away to listen to his milky-sweet voice.

“Are you seeing anyone?” he finally asks me, attempting to sound casual but his voice was clouded with awkwardness.

I chuckled at his unease. I lifted the corners of my mouth to a smirk and met his gaze. “Only if you are.”

He was taken aback, but a grin swept across his face, and he shook his head. “I missed your honesty,” he said, pausing for a moment. “And I am not seeing anyone.”

I nodded, smiling as I took in the information. “Neither am I.”

We were both silent for a moment, an unspoken agreement that we were both going to try this again. We were going to try to fall in love with each other again. We were going to be warm again.

Authors Note:

To those who care and to those that don’t: It has been little over a year since my last post. Recently, I have found it in me to take up writing again. I know my audience may be gone by now, maybe not. I do not care. I simply crave to write and give to all of you again. No matter if it’s a thousand people or one. I missed writing and I hope I can reconnect with some old friends (By the way, I am taking requests again) <3

-G

A smile pulled onto my lips as I saw a young girl walk in front of me. She had a bright pink backpack, and she loosely held onto her mother’s hand as she was guided throughout the crowd. Her eyes were wide with amazement at the people and sounds around her, and I couldn’t help but feel envious of her curiosity and wonder.

The thing is, I’ve walked these paths before. I’ve sat in the plastic seats and watched the planes take off. I’ve pushed my nose up against the glass and look over the runway. I’ve done it for so long, that these airports feel stale and claustrophobic.  

I shake the thoughts from my head as I push past those meeting loved ones again and business partners for the first time. I watch as a girl, whom I recognized from my flight, run ahead and hug a boy. With a smile on his face, he picked her up and spun her around, planting a kiss on her cheek with a laugh. I looked away, feeling as if my wandering eyes had intruded in the moment, and walked into the cold night air.

Small snowflakes fell from the sky as I hailed a cab. I was glad to be back in London, winter just isn’t the same without snow on the ground. But as I look out the window at the snowy streets and city lights my mind isn’t on airports or the snow or London, it’s him.

And all through my first night here I think about him, and all the reasons I left and all the reasons I should have stayed. Maybe it was too ambitious to pick my career over a man, but I never would have guessed it would hurt so much. So all through my first week I think of him, until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I found myself outside his door.

I rung their doorbell, and I felt my hands shake at my sides waiting to see his face. But instead, the door opens to Phil.

He was taken aback by me, but he quickly composed himself, and putting a polite smile on his face.

“Y/N? What are you doing in London?” he said.

I smiled back. “I’m back here for a few months.”

He nodded, staring at me for a second before shaking his head. “What are you doing out there in the cold, come inside,” he said, leading me up the stairs to their apartment. We continued the small talk about my job, and I asked him about his book and tour and all the things they have come out with while I was gone.

“Do you want something to drink? I was going to have some wine,” he offered.

“Yeah, sure. Thank you.”

He nodded, “You can grab a seat in the lounge. It’s right—well, you know where it is.”

I blushed and walked through the door of the lounge, half-hoping Dan would be sitting on the couch. Instead, I sat at their table, taking a seat in the orange chair, the one I always used to sit at. He came back in and smiled, pouring me a glass.  

“It’s nice to see you, Y/N. I really liked having you around.” He said, sitting down.

I pulled my eyebrows together and smiled. Phil was always so honest with me, but at the same time the most caring and compassionate individual.

“Thank you, Phil. You were a good friend.”

We were silent for a while, taking small sips of our drinks and waiting for the other to address the elephant in the room. Finally, I just decided it would be me.

“How is he?” I said, my voice small and quiet.

Phil looked at me, and he gave me a knowing look. “He’s doing alright. But not amazing, nothing like when he was with you.”

“Oh,” I said, twirling my wine glass.

“What are you doing here, Y/N?” Phil asked gently.

“I’m not really sure,” I said, laughing. “I just, I wanted to see him.”

Phil gave me a small chuckle, “You two are crazy.” I smiled, thinking of all the crazy things Dan and I did when we were together.

“Y/N, I don’t mind you being back, I think you are good for Dan. I just want to make sure that the next time you leave, you know what you’re doing.”

I closed my mouth, and pulled my eyebrows together. “I should go.” Before he could say anything, I stood up and began walking down the stairs.

But as I opened the door, there, of course, was Dan. His eyes widened and his cheeks flushed in surprise as he looked down at me. My mouth flew open in surprise.

“Dan. Oh my gosh, hi.”

“Y/N, what are you doing here? What are you doing in London?” he said, pushing his hair out if his face.

“I’m back, and, I don’t know, I wanted to see you.”

“Oh.”

We were silent for a moment, and then I look up at him. “Are you happy to see me at least?” I asked quietly.

He sighed, and took my hand in his and pulled me into his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and sighed as if he had been holding it in for a long time.

“I am.”

Dan sat on the couch, watching TV when he heard Phil unlock the door and come up the stairs. 

“Did they remember to give me soy sauce?” Dan yelled to Phil. He didn’t respond, so Dan climbed off the couch to go find him. Before he left the lounge, however, Phil slipped through the door before slamming it shut. 

“Dan, please don’t be mad,” Phil said, visibly nervous. 

“Why would I be mad?” Dan said, trying to look past Phil, “What did you do?”

Phil shifted weight, allowing Dan to push past him and open the door. He turned to his right, not seeing anything, until he looked down. There, sat on the floor, was a small dog sitting and wagging it’s tail. 

“Oh my god,” was all Dan muttered. Phil pushed past him and picked up the dog. 

“He was lost! And alone! What did you expect me to do? Leave it out there?” Phil said defensively. 

“Well I didn’t expect you to bring a dog into our apartment!” Dan said, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. 

“Dan, just for tonight. I promise tomorrow I will go out and try to find his owner.” Phil said, holding the dog close to him. 

“Well you better find a good place to hide it if the landlord comes round.” Dan said. “Okay.” Phil said, calming down now. 

“So,” Dan started, “...Can I hold her?” Phil lit up in excitement. He passed the dog over to Dan, who looked down at it smiling. 

“Why do you think it’s a girl?” Phil said. 

Dan scratched her head, and shrugged. “I don’t know, it just looks like a girl.”

Phil laughed. “Susan 5 then?”

Dan laughed, but agreed anyway. The two spent the night playing with Susan 5, figuring out all the stupid tricks she could do. She was fairly well behaved, not being too loud or running around their apartment. She sort of just, sat there, and Dan and Phil couldn’t get enough of it. They fed her some chicken for dinner, and then made a little bed of pillows for her to sleep on. But, in the middle of the night, she pushed the door open to Dan’s room and jumped onto his bed, snuggling into his side. 

In the morning, while Dan and Phil were eating breakfast, she started to whine. 

“What do you think she wants?” Phil asked. 

“She probably has to go out. I’ll find some rope and make a leash and take her down the street.”

“Okay,but be back soon, I’m going to make some chicken for her breakfast.”

Dan took Susan 5 down the street, and she happily trotted on the pavement. Suddenly, she pulled from him, causing Dan to drop the rope leash. 

“Waldo!” Dan heard from ahead of him. Susan 5 ran into a girl’s arms, probably her owner. 

“Waldo?” Dan said to himself. 

The girl hugged her dog before looking up at Dan. “Thank you so much for finding my dog,” she said. Next to her, she had a pile of flyers. 

“Oh...yeah. You’re welcome.” Dan said. “What’s her--I mean, his name?”

“Waldo,” she laughed, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “Kind of, ironic, huh?” she laughed. 

“Yeah,” Dan smiled, “Um, before you go...do you mind if, um, I say goodbye?” he said. 

She giggled, and held out Waldo for him to hold, “Of course.” Dan took him into his arms, scratching his head.

“He really likes you,” she said. 

“Yeah, we had a nice time together,” Dan laughed, looking down at the little dog. 

“Well then I guess we will have to see you again,” she said, looking up at Dan with a slight blush on her face. 

“I guess we have to, for Waldo.” Dan said in a jokingly serious tone. 

“For Waldo,” she repeated, smiling. 

Dan pointed at her, “Maybe you should give me your number, too. You know, for Waldo.”

She laughed, her hair falling in front of her face. “Of course, for Waldo.”

hi im not dead i still write life is so crazy agh but i love you all thank you so much for everything:)))

Tucking a strand of my hair around my ear, I remain on the couch of Dan and Phil’s lounge for my second hour. My lazy morning had turned into a lazy day and now a lazy night. It wasn’t all Netflix and Tumblr, Dan certainly kept me busy all day, but he is now locked away in his room for his live show on Younow. So here I am, patiently waiting with a glass of wine and….

A dead laptop.

Great. Now, only to make matters worse, my charger is in Dan’s room. I sigh and retreat from my fort of blankets and pillows and creep down the hallway. I hear him chatting away and I smile at his endearing rant. But I remembered my mission and trudged on.

I shyly knocked on his door, already blushing at being in front of so many people. I tend to leave it to Dan for being the famous one. He turned around and gave me a big, goofy smile.

“Hey, what are you doing off the couch?” he said. I laughed and looked around the room.

“Uh, I need my laptop charger.” I said, sheepishly. I spotted the charger on the other side of the bed and climbed over to get it.

“You all know my wonderful girlfriend, Y/N,” Dan said to the chat. “They’re all saying to stay and join the show,” he said, smiling to me.

I sighed. I can never resist a Dan Howell smile. So I walked over and knelt next to the computer, fixing my hair in the process. “Hey everyone.”

“Oh, here. Take the chair I’ll kneel.” Dan said, getting up. I smiled again, settling into the butt chair.

“While you are here, I’m going to take this opportunity to get a glass of water.” Dan said. I looked at him with wide eyes, my face screaming ‘Don’t leave me alone.’

He chuckled, and left. I looked at the screen and laughed.

“Um, so do you guys have any questions for me?” I asked. I saw the chat moving a million miles a minute, but the first question I saw was,

How is Dan in bed?

I laughed again, the blush on my cheeks brightening.

How did you and Dan meet? Ok, there’s a question I can handle.

“Um, okay so someone asked how Dan and I met. So it was at our friend’s birthday party and we ran into each other, well, literally. Anyway, Dan spilt this cocktail all over me. He never stopped apologizing all night and-“

“I’m actually not that sorry for that.” Dan said, walking into the room with a glass of water.

“I am, you ruined a perfectly good shirt,” I joked as he knelt down next to me.

“If it meant one ruined shirt to meet you, it was worth it,” he said, giving me that big goofy smile again.

“I hate you,” I laughed, “That was the cheesiest thing I have ever heard.”

He laughed, “Yeah, but look your smiling, and that’s the point.”

I hit his arm playfully and looked at the chat exploding with comments. Dan and I really don’t show affection or flirt in the public eye, so they are probably eating this up.

“Whatever, next question for Romeo over here,” I said to the chat. I felt Dan’s hand on my thigh, and it stayed there for the rest of the show, drawing circles. After it was over, he turned to me and gave me a big kiss.

“Thanks. I think it’s good when you talk to them like that. I like to be transparent with them about my life.”

“You have my full permission to talk about me with them, just not about our sex life,” I laughed.

“Good, because I love talking about you,” he said, “and about our sex life, that’s just for you and me. Speaking of…”

Dan moved us over to his bed, the both of us falling on top of it for the night, and we…well…that’s between him and I now isn’t it.

sorry i have been m.i.a. im nose deep in netflix someone save me haha

warnings: this is like REALLY SAD pls don’t read if u don’t want to be sad. It’s sad. 

I want the Sunday morning kind of love.

The way you watch the sun slowly rise, through the blinds and through the room. It creeps across the floor like the tide of the sea, and lights up dust like millions of little stars right there in your room. And them. The way you watch them slowly wake, their eyes opening and focusing on you. And in this blanket fort of warmth, the world is millions of miles away. Hair tangled, legs tangles—the morning is slow, but falling for them is anything but.

I wanted that with you, I guess.

I wasn’t looking for fiery, passionate love. I wasn’t looking for kisses under the rain or someone who always kept me on my toes. I was tired of that. I wanted love like a rainy day; I wanted love like a Bon Iver song; I wanted you.

It was around the middle of May when I fell in love with you. I don’t quite remember the moment I fell for you, it was a slow torturous process of smiles and long late-night conversations. It wasn’t until my mother visited us, and we took her to that French restaurant out on the water.

“You love him,” she said to me that night.

And damn, was she right. You engulfed my thoughts, and I never went a day without thinking of you. I loved the way your dimples poked into your skin when you spoke, and the way you went on long tangents of thought.

“Sorry about my waffling,” you would say.

But I didn’t mind—in fact, you spoke with such intelligence and eloquence, I never would have guessed you dropped out of college. It’s funny, I always thought you were smarter than me, but you loved to insist I was just as smart. And I would push you and say ‘shut up,’ and you gave me that look that made me feel like the world.

I think my favorite memory of you was that day the power went out and we decided to make a fort out of blankets and pillows. And Phil made hot-chocolate with little marsh-mellows except it was really like chocolate milk because there was no power. Anyway, remember when we got in that stupid fight? And you tried to pin me to the ground and I hit my head on the floor and bit my tongue. I remember the way my mouth tasted like blood and the way you would stop apologizing, as if I was a porcelain doll that you knocked off your grandmother’s mantle. I guess you didn’t want to hurt me, perhaps that’s why we rarely ever talk anymore.

I miss you, though. And I hate the fact that we let something as fluid and changing like emotions make such an irrevocable decision in our lives. Because I could get over this, I just need…time.

It was a crush, that’s all it was. I never wanted to stop being your friend. But of course things would never be the same. Because every time I make eye contact, I start to cry. But I don’t care, I’d rather be seeing you through tears than not at all.

That’s how much I love you.

I still remember the taste of your lips when you kissed me, and even more the look on your face when you pulled away, filled with such disappointment and guilt.

“I’m sorry,” you said. I know, you tried. But you kept saying it, and every time the phrase left your lips it was digging the knife further into my heart. And I know if I came back to you it’s all you would ever say. But please, don’t be sorry. I’m the one who should be saying sorry.

I’m sorry I fell in love with my best friend. I’m sorry I thought you could love me back. I’m sorry we will probably never be friends again. I’m sorry I just didn’t keep my mouth shut.

Because maybe you would be here, laying with me this Sunday morning—watching the sun wash through the room and forgetting loneliness is even something to be felt.

ah ha I cried writing this

Y/N sat at a small table in the corner of a coffee shop, crumbs from her breakfast on the counter. She concentrated on the novel in her hands, but her attention was draw elsewhere. Whether it was to the rain dripping down the windows of the coffee shop or people bustling around, in and out.

The bell over the door rang, and a tall man walked through the door. He sighed, pushing his slightly curly hair back and walking to the counter. His shoulders hunched and there were bags under his eyes, and he huffed trying to decide what to get. Once he ordered, he swung around as his eyes rolled over the seats in the café. He chose one not far from her, slumping into the seat with another sigh.

Y/N leaned forward, her hair falling over her face. She was now invested, and with a small, polite smile, she spoke.

“Are you alright?” she asked, smiling to him. He looked up at her, surprised, and hesitated a moment before replying.

With the corner of his mouth slightly turned up, he responded, “Yeah, fine. Just tired.”

“Of what?” She asked with a raised eyebrow. He smiled, astonished with her intuition.

“How did you-“

“Dan?” the server called, and with his eyes still connected with her’s, he stood and took his coffee from the counter.

“You’re quite intuitive,” he said, smiling.

“I’m just observant. It’s not hard to decipher that you are having a bad day,” he said, and nodded to him, “Dan.”

“Well then, how did you know my name?”

“I read your cup?” I replied.

“Touché,” he laughed. He sat down across from Y/N, and tucked the hair behind her ear.

“So would you like me to indulge you in my woes then?” he laughed.

She smiled, “Only if you’d like. I always found it so nice to tell a stranger your problems.”

“Right. Where do I even start?”

And they stayed in that small coffee shop all day, talking about their lives to the other. It was soothing, the idea of just saying all of your thoughts without the other’s bias or opinion. The light outside started getting darker and darker, until the windows seemed black with the occasional headlights shining through. A employee of the café approached them at the table. The barista paused, waiting for their laughter to die down. Dan wiped the tears in his eyes from whatever joke was said, and they turned to the server.

“Sorry to interrupt, but we are closing soon,” she smiled.

Y/N clutched her coat, “Yeah, I really should head home.” Dan was disappointed, but smiled anyway.

“Can I just say,” the barista said, “you guys are a really cute couple.”

Dan and Y/N smiled at each other, their cheeks blushing.

“Oh we aren’t—“ Y/N  started, but Dan interrupted her.

“Yet.”

:)

With a cocktail in my hand, I plopped my body right in the lap of Dan, who was sitting contently on the couch, a wild party raging around us. His arm snaked around my waist and he smiled at me.

“Hey,” I yelled over the noise of his tour after-party. He smiled up at me.

“Hey, do you like your drink?” he said, nodding to the glass in my hands. I laughed, taking a sip of ‘The Dan.’

“Of course. Do you want a sip?” I said. He glanced at his empty glass and nodded. I lifted the drink to his lips and giggled as he tried to drink it. I pulled the glass away from his lips and leaned in to replace my lips with it. He smiled into the kiss.

“Somebody’s touchy tonight?” he said, raising an eyebrow quizzically.

I shrugged my shoulders, smiling. “I’m proud of you and all you’ve done over the past few months with the tour and book and everything. Plus,” I said, tracing circles on the back of his hand, “I missed you while you were on tour.”

“Is that so?” he asked, smirking.

“Yes. Speaking of, when are we going home?” He laughed, and kissed me on the cheek.

“I’m not kidding, what? You didn’t miss me?” I asked, and he smirked.

“So fucking much,” he whispered in my ear, placing a kiss on my neck. I giggled, but I felt a pair of eyes on us. I pulled away.

Phil stood in front of us, giving me a knowing smile. “I really hate to interrupt, but I’m going to have to steal Daniel for a bit.”

I sighed, climbing off of him and onto the couch. He gave me an apologetic look, and leant down to place a kiss on my forehead. “Find me later,” he whispered in a low voice.

The party continued slowly as I mingled with a few Youtubers. After a while of fake smiles and small-talk, I felt hands snake around my waist, and a chin rest on the top of my head. I spun around in his grasp, looking up at Dan.

“Hello again,” he said, smiling down at me. He was defiantly drunk at this point. His smile radiated in his face, and he was nearly glowing. I reached up and gripped the collar of his patterned shirt and brought his face to mine. His lips tasted like alcohol, but I liked it. Kissing him is forgetting life around me, and I loved every minute of being with him. I felt my pace quicken, as my hands found his hair.

“God, I need you to fuck me,” I whispered, and he groaned and met my lips again. But the moment began as quick as it finished.

He pulled away, and my head followed him instinctively. I opened my eyes, but instead of being met with his, he was turned looking at someone.

“Yeah, sure. Just a sec.” He responded to someone, and looked back at me. “I need to be in Louise’s vlog. It will only take a few seconds.”

I frowned, but nodded. He wasn’t mine tonight, and I knew that, but I missed his touch.

“Here,” I said, raising my hands, “Let me fix your hair,” I said, trying to push aside the mess, but he pulled away.

“I’m fine,” he laughed, pushing it over himself. A piece stubbornly fell over his forehead, but I just smiled. It was more cute than messy.

I turned around, milling around idly. My hands traced the rim of my glass, looking down at my drink. I turned and looked at Dan and Phil talking to Louise in her vlog. Dan’s eyes crinkled in laughter, and I knew Dan was happiest as he could possibly be.

She turned off her camera and gave them hugs. Dan held up a finger and looked over at me, nodding me over. I jogged over, immediately getting a hug from Louise.

“Don’t you look gorgeous?” She said, and I smiled. “Dan you have quite the gal here.”

He smiled at me, “She’s alright.” I laughed, and his arm wrapped around my shoulders and squeezed them. As we talked with her, Dan’s hand slowly trailed down my back, tormenting me. He finally found my lower back, and then giving me a cheeky butt-squeeze. I jumped, and he just giggled.

We enjoyed the rest of the party, but Dan and I were just itching to get home. When we finally left, I think Phil felt the tension between us, as he said, “You know, why don’t you guys take this one, I’ll catch the next cab.”

“Thanks mate,” Dan smiled, patting his shoulder before climbing in next to me in the cab. I quickly told the cabbie his address, and I felt Dan’s hands fall on my thigh.

“Finally,” he whispered, connecting his lips to mine in a cathartic release that left my body burning and my blood flowing with energy. God, I loved him.

sorry i haven’t updated in a while, i fell down the stairs and broke my ankle???????? idk man lol but enjoyyyyy love you all so so so much<3

I look at myself up and down in the mirror with a smirk on my face, finally satisfied with my outfit. After work at the BBC on Tuesday, a co-worker of mine told me he was having a costume party, and I couldn’t be more excited. I get really into costume parties. Really.

Tonight, I am dressed as trash. Yes, literal trash. I wrapped a trash bag around my body as a dress, and I stuck empty cans and crumpled paper around my body. I was pleased with my look, so I threw on a long coat (I do not need any odd looks on the underground, no thank you) and I headed over to the party.

My spirits for the night were so incredibly high that when I finally got to the party, they fell so fast and so hard that I felt my stomach drop. This party, was most certainly not a costume party.

All around me, guests were dressed elegantly with equally beautiful masks. It was a mascaraed party, not a costume party. Normally, if these were my friends I would have a good laugh and then go on with my night, but these were my coworkers, and I really would not like this embarrassing story to make it around the BBC. Behind me, more people were blocking the door, so I was stuck. My eyes scanning across the room, they finally landed on the bathroom door, which I quickly ran to. I leant up against the sink, taking a deep breath. My lips formed a smile, and I laughed at myself in the mirror. Of course this happened to me.

I heard someone jiggled the door handle, and with wide eyes I made my second mistake of the night: not locking the door. I quickly got into the shower behind me, closed the curtain, and sat down. I heard the person come into the bathroom, and my body tensed. How stupid could I get! Just say someone is in here idiot!

The bathroom was silent, and I rested my head against the wall, feeling a strange sense of comfort. Two people, sitting contently in a bathroom, with one completely oblivious to the other. How odd, I thought. I fiddled with the hem of my coat and for a moment I had forgotten. Not anymore. I was, in fact, wearing a trash bag and I couldn’t help it, but a laugh arose from me. Trying to hide it, I brought my hand to my mouth, but to no avail. It happened, I laughed, and in no time the stranger had thrown open the curtain to discover me.

My laughter only grew as in front of me, I kid you not, was a man dressed as Shrek. Laughter overtook me as I looked up at him, a contagious smile spreading across his face.

“Um, hello.” He said, awkwardly.  He probably thinks I’m high or something.

I threw up my hands in defense, “No. No. I’m sorry,” I said, trying to stop myself from laughing. “I was just surprised that you were dressed as Shrek.”

“Well at least I’m not the one hiding in the bathtub laughing my ass off,” he said with a smile.

“Hold on, you have to fully appreciate this situation right now,” I said, standing up in the tub. I undid the buttons on my jacket and shrugged it off, showing him my costume. He looks me up and down, and then meets my eyes again, bursting out laughing. I join him, tears forming in my eyes.

“Did you think it was a costume party too?” he half-asked, half-laughed.

“Yeah, and are you hiding in the bathroom too because of it?” I responded, sliding down the tub wall and sitting down.

“Unfortunately.” He said.

I patted the space in the tub next to me, “Here, there’s room for another pathetic soul.”

He chuckled, climbing into the tub and sitting next to me, our legs hanging over the side of the tub.

“When I walked into the party, I was so paralyzed with fear all I could do is walk straight for the bathroom,” he said, face palming, “I swear I’m the most awkward human in existence.”

I smiled, “I just laughed, I mean what else can you do?”

“Yeah, maybe it’s a coping mechanism or something but I always find a way to laugh at my mistakes,” he said, “Self-deprecation is kinda my thing.”

I laughed, “Me too. Sure, it’s all good and fine to feel embarrassed, but it’s just easier to laugh and learn from my mistakes. I become a better person that way, I guess, and I have a lot more fun in my life, too. I think sometimes people spend so much time concentrated on not making mistakes, or worrying about the ones they have already made, and they miss out on the lessons and opportunities that can arise from them.” I said, turning to him after my long tangent. “Sorry, I go on rants sometimes.”

“No, I’m literally the same. I can’t do anything without taking some bullshit conclusion from it. It’s so nice to find someone else who thinks the same way. Making mistakes is fine, learning and laughing about them later makes you wiser and all that crap. Hell, if I didn’t make 90% of the mistakes I have made, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today.”

I smiled, “And the other 10%?”

“I probably could have gotten away with not making those.”

“Is tonight in that 10%?” I said, looking over at him. He paused for a moment, thinking. He brought his lip between his teeth, but finally looked back at me with a cheeky smile.

“No, because then I probably wouldn’t have met you.”

This was such a creative prompt! Thank you so much to the anon who requested:)

warnings: language, feels, thats not my picture, im sorry there are so many asks in my box but this came to me and i went, bye

Dan and Y/N are both incredibly in love with the concept of their secret. It’s not that Phil doesn’t know that they are fucking, he most certainly does, but he goes along with their secret in the name of young love.

Phil, to his immense fan base, is constantly labeled innocent, childish even. But what many do not know and will never see is that he is the wiser of the two. Yes, Phil is the type of wise that sits back and observes, the type of wise that sees everything with a small knowing smile. The type that almost always goes unnoticed, but it sometimes the most insightful of any.

Dan and Y/N think that their little affair has gone unnoticed by everyone, but Phil sees. He watches and waves when Y/N comes to the apartment, when Dan shows her to his room to have “existential talks,” but their conversations aren’t the only thing going deep. (What? It was waiting to be said.)

Phil watches the way Dan creeps from his bedroom door after an hour, his face flushed and his cheeks prickled with a blush. His hair is the way she likes it, curled at the ends with a wave that screams ‘I just did a physical activity that make me sweat profusely.’ Yes, so secretive.

He then will grab two glasses of water from the kitchen and tip toe back to his room, closing his door ever so quietly as if a child was sleeping behind it.

Phil doesn’t mind though, he watches and smiles. Dan isn’t the type to fall in love quickly, anyway. He always talks about being picky, or never finding the right girl, but truth be told, Phil silently thinks he’s afraid of commitment.

Until Y/N. She was one thing that Phil never saw coming, and neither did Dan. She came into their world, and she will never even begin to know the impact. Phil watches the way Dan’s eyes light up when they look at her, with such loving and affection that it obliterates what any of their fans ever knew as ‘heart eyes howell.’

She’s a nice girl, perfect for him too. She’s sarcastic and outspoken enough to put Dan in his place, to flirtatiously push back enough to keep him on his toes—he likes that. But she has a softer side to her that Phil only recently discovered. One night he hear through their wall the soft sounds of a melody. It wasn’t until Phil heard it a second time did he know she sings, and in turn most likely sings to him.

One night, however, the hobbit hair and gentle singing stopped, and though their paper walls Phil heard bitter words.

“This secret is killing me,” she said, and Phil knew this. Dan knew this. Y/N is the type of girl that likes to do what she wants when she wants. She likes to hold your hand on the street. She likes to sit close to you on the tube. It’s not asking a lot, but Dan doesn’t know yet how to say yes.

Phil closed his eyes, listening to Dan’s footsteps as he is probably pacing. Tell her you are afraid, he thought.

“I just don’t want people to hurt you, the internet is a mean place,” he said back, gently.

“I don’t give a fuck about the Internet. Can I at least tell my goddamn friends?” and her voice dropped to an aggressive whisper, “How about telling you best friend, Dan?”

“I just,” he paused. Say it, Dan. “I’m just scared.”

Phil released the breath he didn’t know he was holding. It would be okay, because she would pry and make him talk about his feelings, and it was no longer about their secret it was about them, it was about how they felt and whether or not they were ready for this next step.

They were, and Phil acted jubilantly surprised when they sat him down to say they were dating. He gave Y/N a big hug and told them he was so happy for them both.

And he was, because Phil had watched and waited as their small secret grew into something much bigger, something that lasted longer that the thin wall between their two bedrooms and the little white lies they told to build it.

thanks to the anon who requested this!  hope you like it! {not my pic}

warnings: language, the feels

There are only two real reasons people go to their high school reunions: you want see how terribly ordinary all the people you hated are and the other is you want to brag about how well you are doing. The problem for me tonight is that I don’t give two shits about these people and also the fact that I’m not that spectacular. I mean, I went to university, moved to London, got a job. Nothing special. Nothing spectacular. I didn’t even bring a boyfriend, not because he couldn’t make it, because I don’t exactly have one.

So you can understand my internal pain as I clutched my glass of wine in the corner of the function room. Nothing really has changed, it’s been ten years yet everyone seems as idiotic. The only difference between this party and the ones ten years ago is that the drinking is legal.

“Y/N!” said someone, and I sighed and turned to see a girl who used to be in my history class. “Hey! How have you been?”

“Oh, fine.” I said, politely smiling. I saw her eyes move to something behind me. As I turned around, I heard her say, “You remember Dan, right?” and my eyes widened.

“Fuck,” I whispered as I trailed over the much matured Dan Howell. His face shaped out, his featured more defined. He had filled out, taking a broader posture, and nearly grew another foot, maybe more. His hair shaped his face perfectly, and his eyes appeared even browner than before. Not to mention, the white-pressed collared shirt and jacket, he looked better than good—he was hot.

Truth is, Dan and I are kind of old flames. We used to go back and forth teasing and flirting with each other, and little 16 year old me absolutely loved that, and I grew the biggest crush on him. Then, the next year when we had both just turned 17, he decided to run off with cooler kids who drank and partied all the time, leaving little nerdy me behind. He later got a girlfriend and I finally just accepted that it was for the best. However, Dan Howell is widely regarded (between me and my thoughts) as my first real heartbreak.

“Hey, Y/N, I didn’t expect to see you here,” he said, and I cleared my thoughts.

I laughed, “I didn’t expect to be here either, I honestly couldn’t tell you why I’m here.”

He raised his eyebrow, “Aw you didn’t show up in hopes of running in to me?” he joked. I shook my head, smiling. Despite years apart, Dan and I have fallen back to our old selves.

“You wish, Howell.”

He laughed and shook his head, “Do you want me to get you another drink?” he said, pointing to my empty glass.

I nodded my head eagerly, “Absolutely, anything to get me through this night.”

“Are you really having that bad of a time?” he asked, looking me straight in the eye with a little half-smirk, giving me that kind of look like he genuinely cares.

“I mean, it’s stupid really. 10-Year reunions are just extensions of high school. We just party with people we do not intend on having any meaningful connections with and then inevitably forget all about them when we move on with our lives.” I ranted, sighing at the end. “Sorry to be so pessimistic.”

“No! I love pessimism. Seriously,” he responded, and I smiled. I can’t help but get the notion he was being a bit nicer to me, flirty maybe. As he asked the bar tender for another drink, I marveled at how freaking attractive his legs were in those skinny jeans. He turned back to me and I quickly diverted my eyes back to him.

“Y/N, were you just checking me out?” he said, raising an eyebrow. Immediately, my face was burning and my cheeks pricked. I opened my mouth to protest, but he actually caught me doing it, and obviously he wouldn’t have called me out if he wasn’t flirting with me. Instead, I smirked and shrugged.

“It’s a nice view,” I said, and he seemed taken aback by my comment, suddenly becoming a bit awkward. However, he seemed to cover it up, responding sarcastically, “You’re alright.”

“Ouch, broke my heart. Come on, man, this isn’t high school anymore.” I joked.

He laughed, “Like I had the capability of breaking anyone’s heart in high school,” he commented, grabbing both our drinks from the bar tender.

“Oh, so I’m not anyone?” I said.

“What?”

I rolled my eyes, “Oh, come on. You had to have known.”

He drew his eyebrows together, confused. “Known what?”

I took a sip of my drink. “Seriously? Dan, I had the most massive crush on you in high school.” He stopped smiling.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I hurt you.” He started, “I was so mixed up back then in figuring out who I was and what I was going to do.”

“No worries, it was a long time ago.” I said, smiling.

He laughed, “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“Oh you know, years of misogynistic societal constructs convinced me the girl should never make the first move.”

He chuckled, his shoulders moving as he laughed. “And now?”

I leant into Dan with alcohol on my lips, “And now I could go ahead and fuck you without a care in the world.”

And with that, Dan’s eyebrows raised, and a smirk spread across his lips. His eyes met mine, silently asking.

I paused before responding, sitting back and looking around the room at my fellow classmates, who drunkenly dance and trip over themselves as they try to forget the years that stand between them and their younger selves—wishing for a nicer body, a brighter smile, less responsibilities. I take Dan’s hand in mine, leading. In this moment, I forget about my self-imposed superiority over all these people. In this moment, I forget about my life back in London, my 9-5 work week and accumulated e-mails in my inbox. Perhaps the reason for going to a high school reunions is to remember what it’s like to be young and stupid.

Or maybe it’s to fuck your high school crush in the bathroom stall.

ily thx for everything:)

a bit different in format, but I thought’d i try something different, hope you guys like it!

August 15, 2015

As I look out the window at the cars rolling down the busy London streets, I finally feel the excitement of living away from home. Boxes stacked in various places around my new apartment leave the place feeling eerie and empty. I’ll leave them there tonight, however, my body is too tired to continue to unpack. With a cup of tea in my hand, I’m going to watch the next episode of my favorite TV show on my naked mattress, which lay alone in my bare bedroom. Somewhere in this unembellished flat, I feel content.

 August 27, 2015

My days in the new London apartment seem to be equally slow and fast. My roommate, whom I know through family friends, is from America and won’t be moving here until her summer job ends, which is sometime in September. I am not too concerned, like I said they somehow seem to be moving fast as well, as the first day of my new job is rapidly approaching. The neighborhood is nice, and my father knows the landlord so I had little to no trouble moving in. The only real problem is that these walls are paper thin, and I can’t help but hear the apartment above me. They certainly yell a lot, possibly gamers.

 September 1, 2015

I started my first day at work today, and my boss seems quite nice actually. I won’t be writing headlining any articles anytime soon, but she’s going to have me do some research and layout, and told me I can work my way up. Seems like the perfect place for me, though, everyone is quite laid back but very motivated to work.

Oh, and also, I met a very cute guy today. He was in the break room having lunch, I think his name is Jared. He’s a few years older than me but I could have sworn he winked at me today.

 September 5, 2015

Those damn neighbors screaming their asses off up there, some stupid game again. I have half a mind to go up there to tell them to quiet down, but in my anger I came to the realization that with all the ease I have in hearing them, they have just as much in hearing me. I don’t make that much noise though, maybe some loud music here and there and singing along, but in my opinion it’s good music so they should be thankful.

 September 6, 2015

Much to tell after last night. After trying to sleep for about 30 minutes I realized I probably wouldn’t get any, thanks to my noisy neighbors. So, I hopped out of bed and marched up to their flat to give them a piece of my mind. Turns out, they aren’t half bad. The one who met me at the door, Dan, was quite apologetic about the noise. And the other, Phil, was so nice I couldn’t even complain to his face. After that, they offered me a cup of tea and we all chatted for a while. They seem pretty cool too—I mean they believe in aliens so that’s a pretty good judge of character. Dan and I actually spent about an hour talking about aliens and space, and I couldn’t help but want to spend all night talking with him. We got on pretty well, so it’s nice to have some new friends in a big city like this.

 September 14, 2015

My new roommate moved in today, and I helped unpack and decorate her room. She’s starting university and might not be around much, but it’s nice to have some more company (and somebody else to run to Tesco). In other news, Jared (the cute guy from work) asked me out on a date. I’m not sure when we are going, but I gave him my number and he said he will text me.

Oh, and Dan and I have been spending a lot of time together. We may not seem it, but he and I are actually really similar. I just hope he thinks I’m as cool as I think of him.

 September 26, 2015

Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that you are rendered speechless, motionless, and unable to even think? Well somehow I have regressed into this state. After maybe three weeks of knowing my seemingly normal neighbors, I finally got bored one day and googled Dan’s name. Apparently, he is super famous and he has millions of followers and him and Phil are writing a book and going on tour. Doesn’t that seem like something you would mention in conversation? Apparently not. Dan has literally said nothing, which is pretty concerning given the fact him and I have been spending every other day together. I texted him and asked what the fuck that’s about and he asked if we could meet tomorrow night to talk about it, to which I replied I had a date (with Jared) and he got mad at me and stopped replying. I honestly have no idea what to think, and I just can’t figure out his intentions. Who is Dan Howell?

 September 28, 2015

Jared’s nice. Really nice. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike him. He’s…he’s well…he’s nice. And that’s it. I can’t go back and erase that mess of a sentence of me trying to come up with a reason to like him, but I’m writing in goddamn pen and I can’t think of anything. He’s nice. And that’s really it. Yeah, he’s good looking, but he has no depth, no character, no mystery to him. I crave the idea of figuring people out, and there’s something that just put me off by the fact that he just laid everything out on the table for me (and there wasn’t much). It also didn’t help that, despite not speaking to him for a couple days, I couldn’t stop thinking of Dan. I miss him. Perhaps I liked him because he did have a mystery, and perhaps I just hate that I haven’t figured it out yet.

October 16, 2015

Dan and Phil are gone, and I find myself making this noise in my apartment, yet there’s no one to hear it through our thin walls. There’s no thumping or yelling above me, there’s no Dan at the door. When they come home they are tired, and I know Dan wouldn’t want to talk anyway. I can’t stop thinking about him, though. I watch his videos on end, and yet I still find myself craving him next to me. I can barely pay attention at work, let alone try to deal with the whole Jared situation. I just don’t know why I’m thinking like this.

October 20, 2015

I have feelings for Dan. It’s the reason I don’t quite feel right with Jared, it’s the reason I miss him when he’s gone, it’s the reason he’s always in my thoughts. It’s been a month in a new city, and everything was going well: a nice job, a nice roommate, a nice flat. Somehow this noisy neighbor has twisted my life, and I don’t know how to put it back together again.

 Dear Y/N,

I apologize for writing in your journal like this, but you left this at my flat the other night, and I didn’t know what it was. I read it (again, I’m sorry), and I couldn’t put it down. I have this craving to know your every thought and somewhere deep inside me wouldn’t let me put it down.

And that somewhere inside me also wants to tell you that I, in the most corny and stupid way, have the biggest crush on you. I think you are the most beautiful person I have ever met, and your mind and your thoughts are just as beautiful. I love the way I can hear your music in the morning and your scary movies at night. I love that our walls were thin enough that you had to come and yell at Phil and I that one time.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about my career, but I wanted you to like me for me, not the me that I have created on the internet. Even though I try to be a genuine as possible online, I didn’t want you to think I was better than you or to be intimidated by what I do. Sometimes people think that, and I just knew from the first time I saw you I didn’t want you to think that about me. Maybe it’s self-centered, or maybe it’s because I like you, but I wanted you to like me.

Anyway, I don’t even know if you can read this my handwriting is shit, but I’m sorry for reading your journal, I know it’s violating, but I hope you can see why I did it. I hope you see why I do most things. People do some stupid things because of feelings for others, I just seem to do it the most.

-Dan

p.s. I hope you find this more endearing than creepy.

p.p.s. I’m glad you don’t like that Jared guy, fuck him date me.

tysm for reading:) 

Hello,

I am not sure I could explain the emotions that I felt when I read your message. I only ever uploaded my writing because I of course love Dan and Phil and this community, but then suddenly people began messaging me about how my blog brighten’s their day and make them happy and thanks more than I could ever ask for. But this, I am not even sure what to say. I’m so happy I have somehow impacted you like this, it means more than you know for me. But in terms of your dreams, follow them! There is most certainly futures in Art, you just have to look for them. Go to art school, do what you love. Don’t be stuck in the future doing something that doesn’t make you happy. I believe in you and make sure your dreams don’t become just dreams:)