everything's a mess.

My film photos were not usable. Great.

I need to write more. I suddenly have this urge to motivate myself. To read my stories and the things I have been through the years in this blog. or anywhere else really. I just need to mix them all  together. 

I couldn’t believed what I had written into this blog. When I”m old enough to reminisce about past life, I would surely look and read these little whines, complaints, regret and all the things I’ve said. Today, a great actor, Alan Rickman, passed away. And I could not believe that I’m writing this but this is the first time I write about an actor in this way, which shows that I admire him strongly. I hadn’t meant for this piece of writing to be about him but my mind told me so. I feel like I need to do this, to at least record this happening  and my feelings towards it. I almost chucked and threw my phone across the room when I knew the news, which was a silly but reasonable thing to do. And I wanted to cry but no tears came out, I wanted to do nothing but pondered over the news all night long. It must have been so hard for their family, losing a great man like that. But the world will never forget about him, no matter how much time pass, we will chant his name, write his words over our tombstone and re-reading Harry Potter and crying when Snape dies for the umpteenth time. Yes, we will do that, I will do that.

I don't want to waste my life doing something I don't like.

It’s not easy, knowing full well that you were the best in class in almost every subject in your high school days. However, when you are here, it’s like you are another factor, another ordinary student with an average ability to read, write, speak just as other students. Where has that girl gone? The girl who was confident, even when she was sitting at the back of the class, she still managed to answer the questions and eagerly participated in class discussion. The girl who loved theories and taught her friends about lessons they did not understand. The girl with a full ability to shine, both inside and outside the school, she did everything; ranging from speeches, plays, mcs. She was the life of the school. Where has that girl gone? The girl sitting here is looking solemn and sad, with no trace of happiness or joy in her eyes, she doesn’t speak, she murmurs. She doesn’t laugh, she smiles a forceful smile. Especially this day, when she knows she is not special, the weight of the world on her shoulders just tops and makes it all the more difficult. So, this is life, how hard it is.

So I just had my first writing test. It was a paragraph writing in my language, Thai. And I think the teacher wanted something creative and I didn't do it for him. There are some of my friends who are really imaginative with their stories and mine wasn't. I JUST FEEL SO DOWN RIGHT NOW. I just don't want to be the base, I want to be the best.

Arghhhh, it’s going to be midterm soon. (Three more weeks to be exact.) And I’m sitting here worrying like crazy because the competition here is so high, you know. I’ve never met any bunch of people who are this PASSIONATE about studying and making themselves superior. There’s this person, she doesn’t study in my section but my friend studies with her and she’s like overactive and too fluent in English. She got 110 or something on CU-TEP. I got 101 but I think that’s high enough for me. Even though she got that number, she still complains about not getting higher. I am not jealous of her. I can never be jealous at someone in English as I know they have more opportunity than me but I just feel like I have be better, I have to strive, I have to shine and that is such a hard thing to do.

I never knew college was this tiring. There’s so much to be done!

I went to Wanglang with her today. And the trip to Ta Maharaj was okay. I mean, there were almost no awkward silence. The journey was a little bit tricky due to the fact that it was my first time there alone with no one to guide me, I was the one who led and that still feels weird, even saying it. But eventually, we got there. But she was trying to find something chic or cool and the alley where I led her was nothing like that. I can feel that everything was wrong. Nothing was right. I could not truly be myself. I could not be me. So it ended short. We even met our friends back in CHS! Which was awesome as Bangkok is such a big city and it's almost impossible to accidentally meet. Anyway, I and I alone, forgot to tell two of my best friends who lived near there that we were going to Wanglang and they were pissed and probably hurt, a little. I cannot live like this. I'd rather be alone if I have to pretend to like something or pretend to be someone I don't know.

Problem solved! Turns out he is a psycho-maniac and a stalker who wants every update on my friend’s life. Now I feel sorry for her.

Why would I feel jealous of her? We are different. We are all different. I just gotta accept the fact that I'm better off alone and that has always been my motto, right? Being alone makes a lot of things easier. DO NOT CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES. You muted her Twitter already and that is probably the first and foremost way to take a peek at her life. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR YOU. You are going to find someone, if not, find yourself. If you ever feel let down, whether from stress of studying, social life, your fake friends or a boy, please take a look at this note and do this: THINK OF YOUR PARENTS, THEY ARE THE BEST. And dont forget to LOVE YOURSELF,there is no one out there who would know what you feel nd what you want other than yourself and hey, try not to die out there, okay? DON'T LOSE HOPE and most of all, DON'T LOSE YOURSELF.

I think everyone needs a space to call their own. A place where they don't feel left out or misplaced. I also agree with an unpopular opinion that no one is ever going to be in your space forever. You have got to have a space to breath and make room for all the stress and worries of the day. The sad thing is, I am kind of addicted to that space. I am a very private person and I don't let people see some sides of me. And this is probably why I've been alone all this time.

And I get so confused whether I am jealous of her new-found relationship or I am just jealous that I have a non-existant relationship whatsoever.