THE SIMPLE SHADES OF LIFE

Then there’s this girl,

Built with hypocrisy, made me want to hurl.

She is never tired of copying me.

Things I do, I have, and I see.

The way I dress, lifestyle I chose,

She is like an annoying host.

I let thoughts sink while drinking wine,

Try understanding her, why copy mine.

Then I grasp, what she want.

Desires to be me, still she can’t.

And forever will never be.

Jealousy is her crime, she’ll never be free.

Now, even solo living,

My condo peg she’s trying.

I sometimes disgust it,

But I’ll play along in discreet,

Coz I’m having too much fun.

Living is so tiring.

This world is full of noise, exhausting.

No one truly, genuinely and sincerely there for you.

We tried really hard, but even trying is hard to do.

Our heart aches before sleeping until sun rises.

Do not get me wrong I love being recognised. Seems like sa work na lang ako may nakikitang proud work for me or na-praise. I didn’t know I longed for it but I noticed what or how I felt being compared.

Today i received another monetary award, and mahirap makakuha ng ganitong recognition because these are done through tough deliberations. Of course natuwa ako, ang dark side nun nalungkot ako. Siguro kasi wala akong ibang napagsasabihan kundi jowa ko sa mga ganitong happenings sa buhay ko. Mapa worst or best moments sya yung “family” na nalalapitan ko. Satisfied ako at masaya pero gaya ng sabi ng therapist ko kasama tong feeling na to sa “grieving phase” ko.

Di biro i-disown yung family for your own self peace, kasabay na neto na tanggap ko masama ang tingin matic sa akin pero pagod na ko. Pagod na kong magexplain. Pagod na sarili kong umasa na balang araw makikita din ako. Magiging proud din sakin, mapapasalamatan din ako. Napakadami ko din naman nagawang di kaaya aya at aminado ako, kaso sa oras na kinakailangan ko wala talga akong pamilyang nakakaintindi, nalalapitan at naaakbayan.

Dahil dito samu’t saring trauma na nadevelop ko sa sarili na gusto ko ng matapos. Gusto kong maging purong masaya yung tatalon sa saya at walang ibang emosyon sa tuwing nakaka achieve ako ng something.

Alam kong napagdududahan ko na pati paniniwala sa Diyos. Sana makarating ako ng mabilis sa future na wala na tong poot sa pamilya, wala ng traumas, purong payapa na.

Congrats Lei you did a great job 👏

It’s because It triggered me so easily with “shout”, “violence”, there’s so much hurt in that show that makes me relive the pains I’ve endured for the past years towards my family.

Not being supported, validated. Got judged, verbal, physical and sexual abuse were tolerated, I have so much hate even now. And it keeps me wonder how I endured loving and hating them at the same time.

My ultimate dream when I was teenager was to runaway. Runaway from that house because it didn’t feel safe, I don’t felt understood, I wasn’t heard and to them I was just a simply teenage rebel. It wasn’t my home.

I searched outside the kind of belongingness i longed. I thought it would be in the hands of my past lovers. Only to found out it is my own self. I learned I had no one, and so became contented about it.

But why when my therapist mentioned that “you know sometimes detachment are hardest. We keep expecting from the wrong person.” It still aches me.

And I knew my path was different from what usually is when she said “you can accept to call them biological mother or blood related but not someone you mean to be Mother or Family. It is okay to be different. The soonest you can accept your reality, the easier it is to let go of your ideals, expectations.”

And it is sad, I felt sad because she’s correct.

People never walk in my shoes to judge why I disown my family. People weren’t abuse like I was, they weren’t in this experience , and these family members if they can accept it is what it is, I can’t. No matter how selfish I would look. I chose to rewrite everything in my life going forward. They’ve never been with me.

I watched the “Believe Me” movie. Then I cried after this scene-i knew i just need to release my emotions.

Today napansin ng gym coach ko na introvert ako. Sabi nya nung una pa lang dahil di namamansin o nasa sulok lang ako. Sanay talaga akong mag-isa, simula pagkabata magisa naglalaro, nagaaral. Taong library ako highschool to college, basta iba ang mundo ko. Kaya nakakatuwa din na may ibang tao na nakakapansin pero di ako pinipilit makihalubilo.

It takes time for me to make friends, sa work almost 2 years bago ko naging super close yung mga tinuturing kong bffs na din ngayon. It took me din months para makisabay sa kain sa teammates ko. Kaya kong makisama pero pili lang talaga yung people who I’ll allow in my circle.

Madalas na misconception sa aming introvert is ayaw namin sa labas, or siguro dahil infj ako. I’ve done so many things alone travel, eat out, shopping, movies, etc. but it doesn’t mean I don’t go out, i am just picky what events I’ll join and who I’m with.

Natuwa lang ako na sobra pala talagang obvious ng pagiging introvert ko. As I become older naman lalo na nung nagmove out ako sa bahay ng parents ko, nakita ko yung laki at lawak ng mundo. Natuto na din ako makisama sa ibang tao, yun lang talaga end of the day for us introverts we feel comfortable in our own home. Minsan di na ko lumalabas sa weekend except if maggym lang. so staying at home is not a problem.

When in my head, my past lingers.

I hear my heart cries,

Traumas deepens.

Suddenly, I felt alone again.

Reminding the walls I have built.

I thought I slowly turned them down.

Somehow, I see my eyes in rain.

Part of me betrays happiness I pursuit.

Third Anniversary

Hindi na nga ako pala post o tagasulat gaya ng dati, tuwing nagmumuni muni nakakapawi pa din ang pagbabasa ko dito sa blog ko, marahil dahil wala masyadong may alam. Kaya malaya ko nailalabas lahat.

Marami ng nangyari sa tatlong taon na nakilala ko tong tao to. Marami na agad yung pagsubok, mas kilala ko na din sarili ko, maraming natutunan.

Eto yung unang celebration namin na walang pangamba o duda o takot sa sarili ko. Siguro dahil naabutan din ng pandemic. Yung pagkakataon temporary na nagsama kami daming nadiscover sa isat isa.

Hindi ako yung typical na babae na nagpapaligaw, never ako naniwala dun. Kapag gusto ko at interesado ako sa tao, walang confusion, it’s direct dating or not. Yes or No. May pros at cons yung ganitong style of dating ko pero this what works for me.

Gusto ko kasi onset pa lang malinaw na tayo sa intentions at motive. Napakarami ko ng experience sa flings at love kaya pinakanatutunan ko is be clear, along the way kahit gano pa kayo katagal you’ll deeper get to know each other. Di mawawala yan. Kahit mag asawa na kayo o may anak na. Everyday is a new day to get to know your partner.

This is my second serious relationship, wag na natin isama yung mga fling hahaha Hindi na din tayo pabata, kaya siguro mas alam ko na gusto ko when it comes to dating. Importante din na dapat kilala mo sarili mo, dapat buo ka, dapat handa ka, kahit you’re healing o kaya madaming fears if you really meet someone and it gives you different feeling you’ve never had before, and you want that to stay in your life, be honest about it.

Sobrang bigat na din ng pinagdaanan ko sa pagibig, i longed for someone the belongingness I craved. Masyado akong nasanay magisa na pakiramdam ko wala ng gusto makasama ako. O kaya i feel ashamed sa sarili ko na kuntento na ko na ako lang. Pero kapag nakilala mo pala talaga yung taong mapapa “shit, i think i like him, i want him”. Magiging matapang ka sumubok ulit.

Madami pa kami matutunan pero for now I love the person I am when I am with him.

I haven't lost anyone so close to me not until my grandmother died. I saw myself still grieving at the same time continue living.,

I never knew grief could look beautiful. Like it brings you tears because it allows you to remember moments. That it has warmth as you reminisce what it feels like hugging with them. It is a song we can all get LSS as we hear their voices through our hearts.

I lost my grandmother on this day.

I accepted it already, the moment I was called that they decided to take her home. The doctors believe he will last one more day only but she stayed with us with one more week.

Last Wednesday, I told her it’s okay we’ll understand. She can wait for my auntie from Italy and after that she may rest now. But she couldn’t wait a little bit longer. We will understand, it’s painful but acceptable.

Before this tragedy last February 11th was my last visit with them. It’s a tearful reunion, I hugged her gave her 3,000 pesos that she kept alongside with her savings.

My lola lived 95 great years and loved by so many people. She witnessed every life that has been born in the Hilvano-Cebu clan as well as cried with every death that came before her. We were grateful that she didn’t suffer memory loss and still knew each and everyone’s faces.

I’m grateful that I have witnessed her still able to talk and meet me eye to eye.

I’m grateful for her last days.

When I was a child I was scared of dead people, ghost etc., but when I received the text she passed away I run over to her. When I saw her she’s cold dead already but I didn’t mind it, for me she’s just sleeping. I hugged her and tucked her like I used to when we shared a bedroom.

I’m glad for the people who’ve made a space in their hearts, for my family to look past disagreements and be here in these days to be with her.

She is now reunited with her husband and sons.

I still miss you lola. Thank you for everything. I love you lola, please continue to guide us.

Hahahaha 2 yrs ata expiration lagi ng relationship ni ate girl. 🥲 Palaging mahilig sa overlap.

I suffered so much and I didn’t even know about it. I let it keep on happening to me.

From the generational trauma to cyber bullying to physical abuse to sex abuse to backstabbing, fucking society’s stigma. I’m exhausted explaining myself, defending for myself.

I’ve been countless…countless times and years of my life, I let people hurt me.

Whenever, I was hurt I tried so fucking hard to make them understand me, to make them feel sorry for what they did to me. And then I ended up being the only one sorry for myself, because I tried so fucking hard! I’ve humiliated myself just because I was hurt and no one’s ever sorry for it. I was invalidated. Funny how people twist stories to accuse you of playing victim and gained sympathy. Some of them tried to ruin my life!!! Ruin my life!!!

But I am so fucking done. I am not the person I was 8,5,2 years ago. I stopped myself begging and asking for their acknowledgment. I learned how to become picky with people, I cannot trust not just anyone not even my family, not my partner nor friends, the only person deserve my whole trust right now is me. The only person who would know everything is, Me.

This video says it all. I wanted it too much but I don’t need it at all. Clearly, I only have few chairs on my table.

I may still be in the healing journey, but I’ve come so far to protect the value I have put in myself. It is still a long journey for me to forgiveness.

I’m not closing my heart to it but I am just so tired and fucking done trusting people.