i wish i had the courage to text you. i miss the love of my life. i miss you i miss loving you i miss the way you loved me. i hate that all of these words seems to empty when they are so full in me. i hate im not fucking emily dickinson. i probably dont even know you anymore and you probably dont know me either. but ill never stop loving you. it really was you or no one. and you left some really big shoes to fill. i loved you no matter what. i still lovr you no matter what. i still carry the same passion for you i once had. i still carry the same gentleness, care, rawness and vulnerability. hence i can never sent you this. it was really you or nobody. it hurts so bad that you hate me now. i tried my best. i saw you. i saw how you were suffering and i tried, i really tried to make it better. it hurt in so many ways. it hurt to see you like that. it hurt trying but not making a difference. but what hurt the most was me being the potential catalyst to your suffering. the cause the culprit. me not being strong enough to keep trying. shutting down. exhausted. empty. broken. hopeless. when you were the exact thing that made me have hope for the future. for life, for us, for plans. i wouldve done anything in my power to accompany you. im sorry i wasnt strong enough. im sorry i am so weak. but dont ever ever ever doubt that i loved you or that i was with you BECAUSE I LOVED YOU. you kept repeating zasto si sa mnom and i wanted to tell you because i love you but i was so tired. ive never felt more emotionally exhausted than then and there. ive never felt more weaker than in that moment. it wouldnt come out. nothing would come out. it felt like i died a couple of months ago and was living on a pilot mode. trying to take care of you while i could barely take care of myself. i know i was failing. day in day out. i cried for months to my therapist about how weak i felt in those moments. it didnt matter what i *wanted*, i /couldnt/. so defeated. never in my right mind would i do what i did that night. if i couldve hated myself more, i would. but the failure of not being able to take care of us somehow hurt more. i wanna scream until you hear me I TRIED MY BEST!!!! I. SORRY!!!! im sorry im sorry im sorry im half a person. im sorry i barely wanted to be alive some days and i didnt have the strength to give you what you needed. whether reassurance, affection, safety or a lunch and a clean apartment. im sorry!!! i wish it wasnt like that, i swear. i never loved anyone like i loved you. and for all of that to end up with me being a monster. i dont think i couldve sunk deeper. so ill take nights like these and pretend we talked and i finally *heard* *you* and you finally *heard me*.
and although we will never ever have what once was, ill pretend i feel you. at last, the memory of you is etched in my core being - i will never forget us and the space we once created.
ill remain a monster in your story, and a failure in mine.
maybe id rather you think of me as evil than as weak. somebody rather than nobody. the guilt of it all still cruises through my whole body. i could never ask you for forgiveness. but i cant help but imagine you seeing through to me.
ill never stop loving you.
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