yourUNIVERSE

I'm 27 and I'm not getting any younger but I still fall for this shit. Do I really crave drama because seriously, I'm so done with that. I'm tired. My heart is tired.

I think after everything, I really deserve a love that is not difficult. A love that is not forced. I deserve that. I crave that. Is that so much to ask?

Hi, it’s me again. After years of not posting I found myself typing for no apparent reason. Did I mention that it’s more than a year now, close to two years since the pandemic started? Yea, my life’s a whack. Well in a sense of how I thought my life would go but compared to many, I live a comfortable life. I’m at home, out of work but still safe from the highest of the risk for this pandemic. Everyday I’m on enhance community quarantine. I don’t usually go outside and I missed several bonding time with my friends. Well mainly because of the anxiety brought upon by the pandemic. I’ll share with you the details, maybe some other time. But you know what really triggers my anxiety? It’s not that I’ll get sick like hell or because I’m immunocompromised because of my shitty asthmatic lungs. It is because I’m afraid to have that burden of being the reason why someone I love or someone I care about get sick (or worse)  because of me. That thought really weighs on me more than anything.

Lately there’s been a lot of pressure at work and it is eating me up alive. And you know what’s the saddest part is? I am pressuring myself a lot more than my boss is doing, hence I’m one fucked up, no chill dipshit who really needs to keep himself composed as fuck and sort things out.

A lot of Projects lined up, deadlines to catch and production line to supervise. A lot of challenges that still gives me the feeling that I am constantly being watched and judged at the same time. And that feeling sucks because.. SHIT! I can’t even describe it. I don’t really know if that’s only a part of my thinking process that is helping me to survive this work-related challenges but damn it’s taking a toll on me... emotionally.

You know whenever you’re inside the plant and you have to act perfectly composed and strong so that no one notices your weak points that will soon be part of my assessment as a leader, every single fucking day. There’s A LOT of invisible metrics to measure my status as an APM that is not included in the training manual/ assignment and that makes it even a lot harder. When in reality, you still have this vulnerable side to life that’s scared as fuck but you still need to, you know hide it in the deepest caves inside your brain because being weak is NEVER an option.

I’m not happy. I feel like i desperately need attention then suddenly I don’t want it.

I want someone to be with but if it’s not you suddenly i don’t want it anymore.

Man i can’t do this shit. It’s just that yes I am really blessed right now and I’m thankful for that but...

Napakatagal rin bago ko naisipang magsulat muli patungkol sa personal kong buhay dito sa aking personal na pahina. Marahil sa sobrang dami ko naring napagdaanan ng mga nakaraang taon lalo na ngayon kung saan nagugol ang karamihan ng aking panahon sa trabaho. “Career Growth” sa ingles, yan ang naging pokus ng taong ito. Isang malaking dagok kung iisipin, napakaraming hirap ang napag daanan simula nang mabigyan ng pagkakataon, mula sa sabi-sabi noong pebrero hanggang sa naupo sa posisyon noong agosto bilang Assistant Manager ng Production sa kumpanyang aking pinapasukan ngayon. 

Mataas ang naging expectation saakin ng aking mga katrabaho dahil nga sa bagong posisyon at mas mataas na responsibilidad na naiatang saakin. Naging mahirap pati ang mga adjustment hindi lang saakin kundi sa aking mga katrabaho. Pero kahit papano ay naging masaya ito, hindi madali pero wala naman tayong magagawa kundi ang tumayo sa sariling mga paa at harapin at panindigan ang mga desisyong ating pinili. 

Bukod sa trabaho ay tumibok din ang aking puso sa taong ito, bagama’t sinusubok ay handa namang harapin at pagiigihan pang pang paunlarin ang sarili sa mga bagay bagay upang maging handa sa buhay na pagsasaluhan ng dalawa. Maitama ang mga pag-kakamali, mapunan ang mga pagkukulang upang mas tumibay pa ang mga susunod na magiging relasyon. 

Biniyayaan din ng masayang paglalakbay mula sa iba’t ibang perlas ng bansa ang aking taon na sinisigurado naman ng aking pamilya taun-taon. Bumalik sa ugat ng pamilyang Real sa probinsya kung saan nanggaling ang historya ng aking ama. Pati narin ang mga nag alaga saakin noong ako’y bata pa, si Mama Mila at si Daddy Pio. Si Mama Mila na kung saan ay matanda na’t matagal man kaming nawalay sa isa’t isa ay kaligtasan at kaunlaran ko parin ang kanyang iniisip. Mahal na mahal kita Mama Mila, pati narin si daddy pio bagama’t nakahimlay na. 

Yes Miss, you. 

I don’t want anything else distracting me from letting you realize how good I am for you. I need you in my life and I think you’re giving me a chance so I’m taking it. Because you know what? One thing I learn from life so far is that when life gives you an opportunity, one must fight for it. I’ve realized that I am not entitled of anything in this world not unless i fought and worked hard for it.