That Was Awkward

What the hell is wrong with me. I’ve experienced many deaths of people, i feel immune to grieving, which obviously I’m not, no one is.

I’ve also experienced death of family members and even then I feel like I didn’t grieve as much as I should have. Like I didn’t have the emotional reaction I should have when someone dies.

My grandma died when I was young, I remember going into her ICU room, they had hung up sheets over all of the machines so they wouldn’t overwhelm me. I wasn’t scared. Or sad. I felt emotionless. I remember a time in elementary school, right after she had passed. A song from The Lion King started playing. I started crying because it reminded me of her. But the sadness didn’t feel authentic. I remember that feeling still to this day.

Every time someone had passed in my life who I was close with, I cried. But it never felt sincere.

But this thing happens, usually years after they’ve passed, where I get this overwhelming sadness of their death. Even then it doesn’t feel authentic. Like I’m faking it. I can’t even put into words what that feeling is like. My brain telling me “you need to be sad over this” and my body reacting to that sadness. But then almost immediately my brain tells me “stop it, you don’t mean it, you’re not actually sad over this” almost as if I should be guilty for grieving or being sad about death.

I don’t know how to explain it.