This goes on

Honestly seeing my body just makes me feel miserable because I've lost so much muscle mass (without losing body fat) that some of my skin just looks loose and lumpy. It's been a while since I was actually physically fit and healthy, but I guess I was just ignoring how bad things have actually become. It's not like I'm bedbound (most days) but idk it's been a bit confronting, and I'm not actually sure what to do with it.

Ironically, the more my therapist focuses on my freeze response and how difficult she finds it, the worse it gets. It just makes me feel wrong and broken, but not in a way that's even actually validating to my ~trauma~. I simply do not want to hear that she's waiting to talk to her supervisor about me because she doesn't know what to do, and I especially do not want to hear it 4 or 5 times in a single appointment. I can't have talked for more than 5 minutes total out of the 55 minute appointment, and even what I do say doesn't feel like it's really being heard. Idk. Sunk cost fallacy and inertia and procrastination and general feelings of doom and anxiety are keeping me from looking for another therapist even though I probably should. I really just don't feel like putting myself through the emotional labour of typing up a whole huge email expressing everything that I don't feel like I get the chance/space to say, but I will at least mention something as I need to double check when my next appointment is anyway.